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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

How do I find out the truth ?

154 replies

AmINeedy · 09/08/2015 18:18

Hi
I've been with my partner for over two years.
We live in separate houses as we both like where we live,we stay at each other's houses and planning to merge into one house together.

Today for the first time in 12 months I thought to look through my other halves phone just as curiosity and not expecting to see anything other than when he's meeting to play golf or meet his mates to go to the pub.
There was a number he'd text,no name ,the text said he'd had to leave to travel to South Wales for work today instead of tomorrow..he asked the recipe ant " when are you back next and do you stay in the same place" followed by a name and 4 digit number.
I googled the name and number and a site called FABGUYS.COM came up associated with the same name and number. I clicked on the same name and the person lived in the same area as my oartner ,similar height( he's exceptionally tall) and age. WHAT ARE THE CHANCES OF THAT.

I am not sure what to do as 1, I shouldn't have looked in his phone and 2, I need more evidence before I confront him without looking like a fool and just incase I am a complete bunny boiler,I don't want to look stupid.
Any advice on how to get concrete evidence or ways to find out properly is really whist I'd like advice on please xx

OP posts:
Bogeyface · 14/08/2015 00:07

Ia m so sorry.

At least now you know and you can move on without any guilt whatsoever xx

Smilingforth · 14/08/2015 05:46

At least you have clarity over what the facts are. It's hard but will slowly get easier over time.

BitOutOfPractice · 14/08/2015 07:13

Oh op! I'm sorry. What a thing to find out.

Try and be kind to yourself. Have you got anyone in rl to talk to. Though I can imagine how hard that will be

Maras I think that's probably the most crass post ever!

ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight · 14/08/2015 07:25

I read maras post as warning her not to let that happen?! Could be wrong though

BitOutOfPractice · 14/08/2015 07:55

That's not how it reads to me but anyway, I hope you're ok op. Do come back if you want support or just a rant Thanks

MrNoseybonk · 14/08/2015 09:15

So he's admitted to oral sex.
There could be more.
Shame you wasted so much time on him.

nearlyhadenough · 14/08/2015 09:17

Needy,

I am sorry that it has turned out this way for you. But, I am glad that you have found the answers that you were looking for (even if not the nicest...) and are now able to make plans for how to move forward.

Please take some time and be kind to yourself. You deserve more than this man was able to give you.

You have a huge amount to give to the right man when he comes into your life.

Smilingforth · 14/08/2015 11:42

Thinking of you todayFlowers

Original poster
AmINeedy · 14/08/2015 22:36

Hi,just finished a 12 hour stint in the hospital, all going through my mind .he met mainly transvestites and some came to his home. He told me openly eventually,I even looked at his verified meetings and saw it all ,what he'd done .

I am in shock ,I feel so stupid,sick inside and totally lost.

Who do you talk to ,to share this.
Not some thing I can talk about .
His reason is that because he was worried his erectile dysfunction wouldn't be rectified by the Viagra that having sex or a Oral by a man was the only way he knew it wouldn't go flat .

The fact it was all premeditated and groomed meetings of sexy chats before hand really doesn't make sense .

I need a few days to think,my mind is blank and my heart beating so fast,another 12 hour shift tomorrow and hopefully I'll stop seeing him in his shower with another man or the graphic photos of him with another women from years back.

Too much for me to take in ,,,,,,there must be something wrong with me,,,he also new my ex husband betrayed me too,that's how we met,I got him to investigate my exes betrayal on line!!

Head and heart,truly battered,I feel so stupid,,,the missing packets of Viagra , never used with me we're used with these people never me.

I don't need an std test ,it never happened xx

OP posts:
Original poster
AmINeedy · 14/08/2015 22:38

It's been going in for over a year, I saw the signs and never believed .
How dumb am I .
Didn't want to lose him I guess xx

OP posts:
Enoughalreadyyou · 14/08/2015 23:09

I am so sorry this has happened to you. You will be in shock at the very least. My advice would be to get rid immediately then you don't get hooked in and start asking why etc. it will seriously mess with your head. You don't have to kind. You don't have to understand. Look after YOU.

Hellionandfriends · 14/08/2015 23:27

I'm so sorry. It's going to be a rough old year ahead for you but you will get through this.

notapizzaeater · 14/08/2015 23:32

You're in shock, you need to take care of yourself. Only he knows the reason why you will just run yourself ragged hunting for a reason. Take care of yourself x

BitOutOfPractice · 14/08/2015 23:35

Oh god it's horrible isn't it when you can no longer deny it. You poor woman. It'll hurt like fuck for a while but you will get over this Flowers

Bogeyface · 15/08/2015 01:53

The excuses he gives to you are the lies he told himself to excuse what he did.

A man with ED doesnt automatically think "Sex with a man will cure this" because it doesnt. He just doesnt want to be gay.

I am so so sorry, and you shouldnt feel that there is anything in any way wrong with you. You are not dumb or stupid or anything else. This was a choice he made, whilst using you for companionship, and to convince himself he is straight, at the same time.

The failing is entirely his.

ladybird69 · 15/08/2015 02:03

AmIneedy I haven't read your whole thread but men can lie. My exoh swore he would never ever cheat and would be 'disgusted' by the other men who had been caught out! Turns out he was a serial cheater who couldn't keep it in his pants!
If you have a feeling or a site he's accessing, then he's doing it and hiding things from you. Sending you strength x

TRexingInAsda · 15/08/2015 07:55

It's NOT you! You're a lovely person, the problem here is entirely him, using you because he can't or won't accept that he is gay. Even in his full confession he's still trying to spin an excuse about his ED, as if he was treating an illness - he wasn't, he was cheating while wasting your life and stringing you along. It must be a big shock and a betrayal but hopefully you can now move on, and at least you didn't end up wasting more time and heartache on such a lying scumbag. x

Notgrumpyjustquiet · 15/08/2015 10:53

BrewCake

Original poster
AmINeedy · 15/08/2015 21:44

Yep,I think he's turning his actions into nothing's and he expects me to not be disgusted by his premeditated liaisons with utter male strangers,some dressed as women,then leaving messages about the actions to verify to other users that they are genuine.
I don't think he can see what he did,does is grossly disgusting if your supposed to be straight and in a so call relationship .
He can't see that to me that him chatting to strangers ,even letting them in his home,in his shower for oral sex,meeting men dressed as women for Oral sex and play isn't disgusting and sick and weird and creepy,then act high and mighty in his professional life and organise my life and withhold sex and being together from me,he doesn't see that as a big major freaky sick situation,that I truly could never have imagined. He thinks I should treat it as a one off impulsive one night stand, really!!!
That I find equally disturbing ,the whole situation is disturbing and mind numbing and I feel physically sick,that I've been the front for his true sexuality and I fell for it and then he used his EDF as the reason he practised on these willing men with fetishes, because he didn't want to let me down because it would break his heart if his thing wouldn't work!

OP posts:
mindyourown15 · 15/08/2015 21:50

Have you dumped him yet?

Original poster
AmINeedy · 15/08/2015 21:58

We spoke today

OP posts:
notapizzaeater · 15/08/2015 22:59

He's not on planet earth where the rest of us live !

Bogeyface · 15/08/2015 23:13

Have you asked him why, after proving that he was more than capable of getting an erection and (presumably) sexual satisfaction in the shower with "sheila", he didnt then bring his fully functioning cock into bed with you?

The mans a maggot, and you have lost nothing.

Enoughalreadyyou · 15/08/2015 23:44

Dump him and go no contact please. He has compartmentalised his hobby and is deluded. Seriously deluded. He really believes this shit. Leave him alone to sort himself out. I have been there and it's not worth it. It's like an addiction. He will justify and minimise and lie and even blame you if you stick around. Don't.

DollyTwat · 16/08/2015 00:11

The thing is, whether you're bi or whatever, the deal is in a relationship that you don't engage in sexual activities with other people.

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