How do I find out the truth ?

[AmINeedy]

Hi
I've been with my partner for over two years.
We live in separate houses as we both like where we live,we stay at each other's houses and planning to merge into one house together.

Today for the first time in 12 months I thought to look through my other halves phone just as curiosity and not expecting to see anything other than when he's meeting to play golf or meet his mates to go to the pub.
There was a number he'd text,no name ,the text said he'd had to leave to travel to South Wales for work today instead of tomorrow..he asked the recipe ant " when are you back next and do you stay in the same place" followed by a name and 4 digit number.
I googled the name and number and a site called FABGUYS.COM came up associated with the same name and number. I clicked on the same name and the person lived in the same area as my oartner ,similar height( he's exceptionally tall) and age. WHAT ARE THE CHANCES OF THAT.

I am not sure what to do as 1, I shouldn't have looked in his phone and 2, I need more evidence before I confront him without looking like a fool and just incase I am a complete bunny boiler,I don't want to look stupid.
Any advice on how to get concrete evidence or ways to find out properly is really whist I'd like advice on please xx

If you're happy in a sexless relationship with a gay boyfriend, then carry on.

I would tell him you know though. Just so he doesn't think you're as thick as he's taken you for.

If you want real, irrefutable, concrete proof, you're going to have to message him on the site and arrange a hook up, then turn up and confront him. (Or pay someone else to do it.)

Catfish him!

It sounds like he would be a great male friend as you say you are so good together. I don't know the background but can you retain the good things in your relationship but firmly move away from any pretense that he is your lover and partner?

If you tell him you really like him but just want to be friends from now on, would you both be able to accept that? If so it gives you and him the freedom to find other partners while still keeping each other in your lives.

OP, I think you have your proof. In your shoes I would not keep looking nor would I confront him. I would have 'the talk' and end it just on what you have in front of you, no more and no less. End it, stay friends, move on.

I'm seeking advice because if I'm wrong I'll wreck what we have together and he won't ever trust me again for being plain old Nosey .
If I'm right then I won't be staying around.

I've come on here because I don't want to discuss any of this with family or friends and hope that as there are lots of other women I could collect views and some help as to how to find out the truth

You are worried he won't trust you - well surely that is bonkers seeing as it is him on an app looking for illicit encounters with men?

The truth is staring you in the face. This man is not your boyfriend or partner. At best he is a friend who cuddles you. But he won't discuss anything with you, drinks too much and makes you feel pretty rubbish about yourself. Plus he is prob in denial about being gay. I cannot see why you would tolerate this? I can only assume you are so damaged from previous relationships that you think, quite wrongly, that this is all you deserve. Clinging onto this man, and being terrified to upset the equilibrium, in the hope he will change will not work.

But how can you be wrong? Really?

Even if you were wrong (you're probably not) I'm honestly astounded you're still with him. Really, you're worried about ruining what you have, but what you have makes you lonely, miserable and feeling shit about yourself.

You didn't look at his phone out of idle curiosity, you did it because deep down you knew there was more to this guy than he was letting on. what you've found must be a shock, but you must have known there was a significant chance you'd find something you didn't like surely?

I think you have enough information to know that this guy is not right for you.

Hi, it's ok I see your points, I'm not afraid of losing the relationship and my past if it affects my future was that of always being in trouble for something I hadn't done and no one believing me it's something I hold in the pit of my stomach and the only reason I needed advice.
To me it does all add up,it can't be a coincidence though the text is vague and could mean anything it's just the name tagged on the end which isn't his name and on,y through putting the name on google it came up with the name linked as a friend to blokes on the site.
Guess I am in shock too as it was all unexpected, in my simple mind I just need one thing to back this up to walk away with no regrets at all .
That's all I want I guess,to justify myself that I'm right,,,,guess I don't trust my own judgement either xx
Sorry I'm making the issue worse aren't i?

You don't need to apologise, this is your life and you've had a shock. You also don't need a reason to end a relationship beyond "you don't make me happy".

Don't apologise to us OP. Just take a step back. Maybe read your other threads? It may help you to see this a bit more objectively. I know it's tough.

I'm seeking advice because if I'm wrong I'll wreck what we have together and he won't ever trust me again for being plain old Nosey

If it would be so easily wrecked, is it worth having?

Surely a mature couple who enjoy a close friendship would have a good laugh together if one of them got it so spectacularly wrong as to accuse the other of having a profile on a hook up site for gay sex?

As this sexless relationship has obviously served some purpose for you, why you would want walk away from it?

Is it because you've accepted his reason for not having sex with you and would feel that your association with him is therefore based on a lie? Do you feel he's used you as a beard to disguise his sexual preferences?

What happens if you put his name in google - does it link him to the site/his profile? If so, he need never know you've accessed his phone.

This is what the text message said to a mobile number,there wasn't a reply ,
This could be misread?

HI,IM HAVING TO GO TO SOUTH WALES IN 30 Mins,MEETING SCHEDULED FOR TOMORROW HAS BEEN BROUGHT FORWARD TO 3PM TODAY.WHEN ARE YOU BACK NEXT AND DO YOU ALWAYS STAY IN THE SAME PLACE ABCDEF1234.(Protecting identity)
I googled the name out of curiosity to see if anything would come up and a site came up with a person with an identical Avatar name and living in the same area and height the same and few years knocked of the age too .

He would laugh if I asked if he was gay

Guess I'm worried it's true and that I've been patient over a sexless relationship. We've got on so well and grown together since I opened up about my worries ,he's been to the pub less and been easy going and it's been great.
I have been happy once I accepted they'd be no normal relationship and I'd probably been harsh on him at the time I sort help too.

I only came here to get your feed back rather than just stew, I always bottle things in and I don't let others know what's going on in my mind about issues hence coming here anonymously ,

Well it could be a massive coincidence, but give the context of everything else it's unlikely. If you really need the proof you could set up a false profile and try to trap him, but really I don't think that's necessary.

Op, in what way is this person your partner? You both live separately and there is no sexual relationship between you, so wouldn't it be more realistic for you and he to be friends, if you must, and for you to bark up the right kind of tree in the future? Right now this person does not offer you very much.

Do you know if the meeting thing was true? I'm wondering if he arranged a hookup and then lost his nerve.

Either way, he's definitely gay. There is no other explanation for that text. Give me one other reason why he'd end a message with a gay hookup website and a profile name?!

I said the text ended with a short name and 4 numbers as though it was an avatar or a name for a forum or site which led me to type it into the google search bar to see if it threw anything up and it did, the text didn't have anything of the way of a site in it.
Yes he did go away with work

Call the number he texted.

op, if you think your relationship is good now, if he's being kind and treating you well, if you don't mind not having sex and you don't mind being a beard for a gay/bi man, living apart, then what's the issue here? Stay with him. But realise that you're just friends. And if you're ok with that, it's fine.
It's up to you.
But there is no explanation for what you've told us here in this thread.

Eurogoose, I think I only explained how things were with us,I wasn't justifying why I should stay , I was just saying we are really getting on and had been for a long time .
If this is him on the website and the text is to meet someone I won't be with this man much longer that I can promise.

HeyDuggee and what do I say to the person I phone,they'll either put the phone down or lie? Xx

Just ask him ?

The most logical way I can put this is that if I ever signed off a text as LosingTheWillToSkate, it would be to someone on mumsnet because that's how they would identify me.

If I send a text to someone I know, who knows me, in real life, I would use my actual name, which wouldn't have 4 numbers after it.

So the name he signed a text off with is a name on a gay hook up site. So there's your link or your proof that the profile on there belongs to your partner.