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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

How do I find out the truth ?

154 replies

AmINeedy · 09/08/2015 18:18

Hi
I've been with my partner for over two years.
We live in separate houses as we both like where we live,we stay at each other's houses and planning to merge into one house together.

Today for the first time in 12 months I thought to look through my other halves phone just as curiosity and not expecting to see anything other than when he's meeting to play golf or meet his mates to go to the pub.
There was a number he'd text,no name ,the text said he'd had to leave to travel to South Wales for work today instead of tomorrow..he asked the recipe ant " when are you back next and do you stay in the same place" followed by a name and 4 digit number.
I googled the name and number and a site called FABGUYS.COM came up associated with the same name and number. I clicked on the same name and the person lived in the same area as my oartner ,similar height( he's exceptionally tall) and age. WHAT ARE THE CHANCES OF THAT.

I am not sure what to do as 1, I shouldn't have looked in his phone and 2, I need more evidence before I confront him without looking like a fool and just incase I am a complete bunny boiler,I don't want to look stupid.
Any advice on how to get concrete evidence or ways to find out properly is really whist I'd like advice on please xx

OP posts:

Report

AmINeedy · 12/08/2015 15:55

I will apologise to you if it's the case and it looks like my only way is to confront him and decide by his denial .
My posts look flippant but by no means are they, guess I'm just saying what's in my head

OP posts:

pocketsaviour · 12/08/2015 16:00

The flipside of this of course is that if he is gay and has been closeted his whole life, it's so so sad that he's felt the need to do that :(

OP I hope you can get a resolution one way or the other.

AmINeedy · 12/08/2015 16:03

I guess there's part of me that feels and thinks the same thoughts.
I'm not angry,I'd feel worse if we had been sleeping together or worse got married .

OP posts:

AmINeedy · 12/08/2015 16:11

I'm confused, he's known in the past while Single for being a ladies man.
He met fell for a woman he was working with while married ,he told his wife and they separated then he was later ditched by the woman he'd left his wife for.
He's quite friendly with everyone and always part of a relationship ,his first married ended 17 years ago , since then my partner has had many relationships and few ended after affairs,he remarried 6 years ago it lasted 2 years,so openly always women in his life and a typical womaniser I'd say in his past

OP posts:

Melonfool · 12/08/2015 16:27

But, surely all this 'ladies man' stuff is just what he has told you?

And....a few ended after affairs, yet he has EDF? Seems unlikely no?

I think it's fairly common for men who are confused over their sexuality to chase women to show how very manly and un-gay they are. So I wouldn't take that as an indicator of sexuality.

It was him on the site. He either realised it was/someone he knew. If the former you'll find out when you see him.
Or he is/has been just testing the water and not got the nerve to actually meet anyone. Try "what happened to you today, I could maybe do another day if you're around" and see what happens?

But even if this all turns out to be a red herring why do you want to be with a 'typical womaniser' who has had numerous affairs anyway? He doesn't sound very pleasant.

nearlyhadenough · 12/08/2015 16:42

I'm sorry you didn't get what you were looking for today. I know how that feels. I am still looking for the very elusive proof that I require.

Where do you go from here, what will you do?

ilovelamp82 · 12/08/2015 16:53

I think at this point you just have to talk to him. It doesn't seem like you're going to find anymore proof anywhere else.

AmINeedy · 12/08/2015 17:41

I'm in limbo as to what to do.
I'll take a break from here,but thank you all.

OP posts:

mindyourown15 · 12/08/2015 17:54

I don't believe all the lady's man stuff at all. Even if you don't have proof - what are you hanging around for? Even if he tells you a pack of lies you will never trust him now. I don't understand why you think you are worth so little.

ABTwife · 12/08/2015 17:58

He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia! Don't stay in there with him.

SugarOnTop · 12/08/2015 17:58

i think the op is so desperate for a man she'll accept whatever scraps she's given and then cling on to him for dear life in the hope that 'one day' he'l realise she's worth more. it's not gonna happen with this one. but hey, if you want to be USED as a smokescreen whilst he gets his kicks elsewhere-that's your life and your choice.

TRexingInAsda · 12/08/2015 18:09

Print out the photos of him, hand them to him and say "can you explain this please?"

I suspect you won't, because actually, you don't want to know, you want to pretend it's not happening, but it is. Obviously.

Notgrumpyjustquiet · 12/08/2015 18:10

Bit harsh sugar? but like many pps I'm left wondering what will constitute 'sufficient proof' for the OP?

TRexingInAsda · 12/08/2015 18:16

Normally when people on here say 'I want proof', they mean the oh has been texting too much or something, or they just have a niggly feeling. You - he won't have sex with you ever, you have a text on his phone rearranging meeting up with someone, signed off with a username from a gay hookup site, The username reveals his profile on the site, which shows actual identifying pictures and also identifying details (job, location, etc).

How much more proof do you want? If he sucks cock in front of your face you'd just say 'oh I'm not sure, I think he was just cleaning it, I might stay with him til there's more proof'.

AnyFucker · 12/08/2015 18:29

the gayest bloke I ever met was a proper skirt chaser

didn't stop him preferring men though

PerpendicularVincenzo · 12/08/2015 20:59

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AmINeedy · 13/08/2015 23:19

I'm in shock .

You were all right, my partner has been having oral sex with Transvestites and men .xx

OP posts:

ICantThinkOfAUsernameH · 13/08/2015 23:22

Oh shit.
Hopefully some closure now even though it'll feel totally shit.
Did he admit it?
Hugs

notapizzaeater · 13/08/2015 23:24

Aww that's horrible, but at least you have know now, no more 2nd guessing.

AmINeedy · 13/08/2015 23:28

Daft but after picking my sin up from getting his A level results I was emotional. I went to see my partner then I slipped in, by the way?....

He denied everything and blamed me for looking at his phone, but I saw the look of shock when I told him I'd seen the pictures on the site of him,,,eventually he told me all.
Feeling very stupid and physically sick, he'd had a man in the house to give him a blow job !,,

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 13/08/2015 23:34

ugh

you best get yourself a sexual health check

I am sorry. What now ?

calzone · 13/08/2015 23:35

You poor thing.

Just read the whole thread.

What a poor excuse for a man.

At least you know the truth now.

What will you do now?

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maras2 · 13/08/2015 23:45

. So sorry,but can he still be your 'Gay bestie'? You sound nice enough to let it happen.

AnyFucker · 13/08/2015 23:48

who would want a "bestie" that was such a deceitful manipulator ?

I rather think op deserves both a better partner and better friends than someone like him

BerylStreep · 14/08/2015 00:02

Ah fuck.

At least you know for certain. Do not dare let him try to maintain the moral high-ground over looking at his phone, when he has been so deceitful towards you for so long.

Flip

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