How do I find out the truth ?

[AmINeedy]

Hi
I've been with my partner for over two years.
We live in separate houses as we both like where we live,we stay at each other's houses and planning to merge into one house together.

Today for the first time in 12 months I thought to look through my other halves phone just as curiosity and not expecting to see anything other than when he's meeting to play golf or meet his mates to go to the pub.
There was a number he'd text,no name ,the text said he'd had to leave to travel to South Wales for work today instead of tomorrow..he asked the recipe ant " when are you back next and do you stay in the same place" followed by a name and 4 digit number.
I googled the name and number and a site called FABGUYS.COM came up associated with the same name and number. I clicked on the same name and the person lived in the same area as my oartner ,similar height( he's exceptionally tall) and age. WHAT ARE THE CHANCES OF THAT.

I am not sure what to do as 1, I shouldn't have looked in his phone and 2, I need more evidence before I confront him without looking like a fool and just incase I am a complete bunny boiler,I don't want to look stupid.
Any advice on how to get concrete evidence or ways to find out properly is really whist I'd like advice on please xx

[GilbertMarkham]

and a good reason nit to throw the towel in until I'm certain it's him on the website.

Why would that message be in his email if he wasn't ??!

[Thingsdogetbetter]

@Underland. The thread is from 2015. It's a zombie and probably resolved one way or another by now.

Zombie

[Underland]

Hello
I'm a gay guy who has used this site. In my profile I ask guus with partners not to contact me.
You can join and then search for a guy by name and age and location (that narrows it down); most people leave photos - some very explicit - and you might recognise his that way.
The other way (which I think is a bit gruesome) would be to fake a photo assuming you have an idea what type of guy might appeal to him, and try to attract him.
When I say "gruesome" it's not as gruesome as having possibly unprotected sex with all the risks for others.
If you want me advice I'd save myself all of these shenanigans and just tell him.
You need to explain why you looked at his phone. Maybe you felt he was hiding things from you. .(I'm sure you'll find a way to justify it).
Please bear in mind he may NOT have contacted anyone or met them. He may just be "curious".
By letting him know you know might have the opppsite effect: he may want to come out completely and end the relationship.
You've not actually said what you want. Maybe it's time to find out?

[Fairenuff]

ZOMBIE THREAD

[BerylStreep]

OP

This has been a horrible, horrible shock to you. This guy knew he was gay. Has known for years. Yet knowing this, he pursued a relationship with you.

He is the dishonest one. I bet you are a perfectly nice person - someone who he met through doing some investigative work for - and you have fitted the profile of what he wanted - Lovely, available, recently out of a long-term relationship so possibly not looking for too much commitment, older child (therefore not too much input from him), and from what I can gather, fairly comfortably off financially. (I wonder has he fleeced other women financially? I think that would have been what would have come next). He abused the relationship of trust there was and exploited your vulnerabilities. He is basically a predator, albeit non sexual.

He has targeted you to provide his cover story of being straight.

This is all down to him, not you.

Yes, there were signs that not all was well. You knew that yourself, otherwise you wouldn't have posted on previous occasions. But what positives can you take away from this? Perhaps a pledge to yourself that when you meet someone in the future that you won't be prepared to bury your wants and needs? Get back in touch with your instincts? Because I know you don't feel it at the moment, but your instincts served you well. You knew something wasn't right, and you looked at his phone. If you hadn't done that you wouldn't have the knowledge and clarity you have now, even though it is painful.

Take care. Soon the rage will come, and you will see him for the lying scheming toad he really is.

[AmINeedy]

I don't feel clever .

Feeling sad and confused,useless,ugly,pathetic,old and very stupid, x

[BitOutOfPractice]

How are you doing OP?

You are not stupid. He is a very clever and manipulative man who set out to use you.

Not as clever as you though eh? Because you rumbled him

It will hurt for a while. But you will be better and stronger for it

[AmINeedy]

He was/is a private investigator BerylStreep.

I'm feeling pretty stupid,now I know why he didn't fancy me or even try to have a normal life with me.

I'd been married for a long time previously and my ex was a really good bloke in every way on the outside and this partner was totally different. I put my lack of experience of men down to my tolerance plus our ages I put down to the EDF.

I really believed I was being too needy and clingy as my previous relationship we did most things together and as a family too, as we didn't have much time alone any spare time was spent together as much as we could I took that to my new relationship thinking it was the norm to find out it wasn't lol .
Now I see my expectations are my expectations and it's a case of finding a like minded person instead of giving up next time lol

At least this makes me a stronger person , more independent too, hey what more can go wrong in my life, a smile is free and makes me feel happy so he I go :) :) :£

[BerylStreep]

Sorry, I didn't mean it in a way that implied I thought you needed to apologIse to posters for not picking up the signals, just to think to yourself.

I can't even start to fathom how you must be feeling. Take care.

[AmINeedy]

If you look back BerylStreep as soon as I found out my partner had met men from a site I apologised for not thinking he could do this.
Lots of reasons It didn't enter my head,even now when he tells me what he did it doesn't sink in that he has this secret life, non of it sinks in...
I know he's met men and TVs,I can read and see that but put the man in front of me and I look at him,I feel sick at the thought of him wanting men and others touching him plus I read what he had saud about what they did to him and how he wanted more,,,,,,I know that's him,til I look at him and I think,No, he can't ,not this man!

He has,he did,he wanted too as soon as my back was torn,,,,,,I know more than you think,there's no future with him,I'm too tired and old for anymore of this,,,,,, but I love him and I need to un love him to get my own self respect back,,,,,I'm saying goodbye to him bit by bit as this sinks in and the horror hits me.

[AmINeedy]

What makes you ask that ? X

[BerylStreep]

IIRC this man was a police officer? IME there are a lot of police officers who are well and truly in the closet - I know several who are / were married with children. Can I ask - what does he do for a living now? Is he a private investigator?

It may not feel like it now, but you have really dodged a bullet. I just hope you find the strength to kick him into touch - forget having any further conversation with him, and just sever all ties. Thank your lucky stars that you didn't join finances and move in together.

I have read your other threads, and the one thing that really jumped out at me is he seems to have an answer for absolutely everything. He twists logic, so it seems you don't know what way is up. (I also know lots of police officers who do this ). I also think he manipulated you in absolutely classic ways - complained that you were demanding & needy, so you would back off. Dressed the EDF as a medical issue, so you would seem mean, selfish and heartless for pushing it.

I also don't mean to raise this in a 'told you so' type of way, but several posters called 'gay' back in January. It might be an idea for you to have a really good think about why you were so willing to believe everything he told you. Even without the gay hook-up issue, he was offering you crumbs, and you were happy to accept them. Why?

[goddessofsmallthings]

Exactly what Bogey said.

This man has no personal integrity whatsoever and you would be incredibly naive to believe that he hasn't engaged in anal sex with these rent boys/men - and he didn't he need Viagra to do so, although it would no doubt take ballthumb screws to get him to admit it.

He's not 'addicted' to gay sex, nor has it been something to 'spice up' his life. He is gay and he uses women to hide the fact that he's homosexual.

It feels worse than if you'd discovered he was having an affair with an ow because his deceit was sustained over two years during which time you compromised and suppressed your own needs in order to continue your relationship with him.

You've had a huge shock - be kind to yourself.

[Bogeyface]

You get over it by doing what trex said


And by realising that there was nothing you could do about this. He is a flawed and vile human being. Not for the homosexuality, it must be hard being gay when you really dont want to be, but for the lies, the cheating, the using of you and his other partners.

He could have lived this life of hookups and casual sex without dragging you and his former wives into this mess. He could have chosen to remain alone if he didnt want to come out, and have liasons on the quiet. No one would have known his secret (and yes, I can understand his reluctance, especially given his age) and more importantly, no one would have got hurt.

Thats what makes him a despicable person and thats why you need to walk away and heal the pain he caused you instead of hanging around for more in the hopes of a relationship that you know, deep down, will never happen.

[Lacoba66]

Trexing ^ everthing!

[TRexingInAsda]

How do you cope with this type of betrayal ?

FGS - you tell him to fuck off, and you move on! You cannot have a relationship with this man - he is gay. He is a homosexual man and you will never ever have a man-and-wife type relationship with him. Stop discussing with him, stop wishing he was what he pretends to be, he's not, he's gay. Leave him and move on and be happy.

[AmINeedy]

This feels worse than someone having an affair with someone , it feels 100 times worse . My ex husband had an affair and visited sex sites but this feels totally different in a sick sense xx

[Lacoba66]

OP, I think one of the worst things in all of this, is he IS obviously trying to live a double life, because he cannot accept who he is- but worse than that is that not only has he dragged you in to it ( by being totally deceitful) but he is now trying to 'normalise'/ 'minimise' the whole situation. He is not thinking about you in any of this!

None if this is any reflection on you. You gave your trust and he shat all over it!

Some of us have been there and seen "the signs" but it takes all of us different timeframes to wake up and smell the roses...

If you take the sexuality out of the equation (or left in and he was a hetrosexual male) then I think he is no different to someone who has an affair with another woman, or cheats with female prostitutes.

He will always justify his actions, to suit his needs...

This is not an addiction, this is who he is, but has never faced it.

He's a fucker, for dragging you in to it though.

[AmINeedy]

I think you are all right.

I'm finding this really weird and hard to understand.my thoughts exactly if he knew things worked with other people then he'd know it would work,he obviously didn't have enough urge or feelings to be with me.
I'm truly ashamed because I altered my ways of how I'd be in a relation ship,I held back all my needs or desires to be with him while he was visiting men to be made a fuss of.
I looked at the site he'd joined the day after I confronted him,I read his comments to arrange a meet with a TV, their conversation was disturbing and knowing my bloke was making all this effort to enjoy sex with someone ekes,while I felt like poo all these months and couple of years.

He appears to think that his pain for hurting me should be enough to get me to accept what he's done. I told him I find what he did/does as sick and disturbing and twisted ( when he's surposed to be in a monogamous relationship)
I can't get the thought out of my mind that I was feeling sorry for my guy and he was happily chatting to other people to let them have sex with him.
I thought I'd been through some things but this is something I really can't get my head round.
Stupidly I'd been away with my other job for 2 weeks,he'd really missed me and while I was away he'd asked me to marry him, I had accepted since I thought he'd changed.
Now I know when I came back he was Aldo arranging to meet other men as soon as I left his house.

Daftly I truly felt so close to this man , to accept the way he was ,now I know his darker side,I feel I must have looked so desperate to him he felt he was invincible, that he even met people in his own home to.
His job is investigating things of a sensitive nature and he had the nerve to disguss and make judgement of people twisted sexual behaviour when he was doing worse.

I can't discuss this with anyone, I'd love the world to know what he's really like as he pretends to be this pillar of the community,not to hurt him but to make him face up to this situation.
Even now he's justifying and even saying to treat this as a minor discretion and put it behind my mind.
This is an addiction ,something to spice up his life.

I was so stupid and gullible, I saw the signs and ignored them because I was in love with him and I wouldn't believe, everyone told me he'd be unfaithful to me and I believed he'd change. He did change from women to men.
How do you cope with this type of betrayal ? Xx

[BitOutOfPractice]

Pocketsaviour I was thinking the same! "I had to get blow jobs off men to prove how straight I am" has to be the most ridiculous load of bullshit I've ever heard!

Op I hope you're ok. You must still be reeling

[pocketsaviour]

OP so sorry for how it's turned out, but at least you know the truth and can start moving on.

There is absolutely NOTHING wrong with you, my love. This man was too scared to face up to his sexuality and the perceived loss of social status that would come with it. He's used his ex-wives, you, and probably many other women as what's called "beard"s - something that gives the outward appearance of being masculine and straight.

BTW if you took a poll of straight male friends and acquaintances and said "So if you were suffering from ED would you try getting a blowjob from another man to see if it made your hard?" you'd get responses like this

This website may help you: Straight Spouse

[paulapompom]

[mindyourown15]

I don't understand why you are even bothering to talk to him. Unless you are somehow thinking you will stay together?