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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

In bits

186 replies

Handywoman · 29/07/2015 23:09

Today I had to let a fantastic man go after 11 months.

It became clear he is a long way from coming to terms with the breakdown of his marriage/living apart from his dd. I've suspected this but it came to a head this weekend. There is also a mismatch in parenting ethos and I'm uncomfortable about it and have been thinking it would always be a sticking point.

Yet I'm losing an incredible friendship, emotional support, some of the best memories of incredible time spent, someone who finally saw me for 'who' I am. And the most incredible sex imaginable - all this in 11 months. Coming after 14yrs of miserable EA marriage.

I'm in so much pain. In between actual crying, tears are constantly streaming down my face. I feel sick.

My friend took me to the pub but now I'm home I feel utterly, horribly broken. Someone tell me I can recover from this.

OP posts:

shaniatwain · 29/07/2015 23:16

Handywoman ah bless you.. Not nice to feel this way. Especially as it gave you so much happiness.. And yes I believe it can hurt just as much after 11 months as 11 years..
So it sounds like the parenting ethos difference was the deciding factor for you.. Was that fully non negotiable ?
Think one day at a time, think you will get through this, think you will feel those feelings again with someone else in time. But treat yourself gently in the next few days .. Sending unmumsnetty hugs

Dowser · 29/07/2015 23:19

Awww. So sorry to hear that. Sometimes it's harder to be the one who breaks things up than be the one that's dumped but something wasn't quite right. Something niggled away at you or you wouldn't have done it.

Better to end now than have things drag on and get progressively worse until the good is completely swallowed by the bad.

Just be kind to yourself. Don't rely on alcohol to take the pain away. Eat as well as you can. Get out into nature. That is so healing.

Well done or having the courage.

Original poster

Handywoman · 29/07/2015 23:30

I think he wanted more from me (as in marriage, make a home in time etc) but it was as much about taking away the pain he is already in for his divorce/separation from his dd (who he is fully involved with and has 50% of the time).

I wanted steady with mainly separate lives. He isn't made for it. Plus there was a slightly mismatched sense of humour.

But my word what an amazing man. I shared more with him in 11 months than with my emotionally-regarded ex. This relationship was my first experience of having my needs met. Now I have to let him recover from everything.

I just want to go there now and hold him.

I've got through a box of tissues already.

This is awful. The pain is horrible.

OP posts:

Original poster

Handywoman · 29/07/2015 23:31

retarded not regarded

OP posts:

sensiblesometimes · 29/07/2015 23:47

He's not a perfect match for you, he is still recovering from his broken marriage ... however he has shown you what a truly loving and generous relationship can be like so you can now be ready, in time, for a new relationship with someone else.
Take all the positives . GOODLUCK

MillieGreenEyes · 30/07/2015 00:10

but would you really break up and put yourself through this because you might want slightly different things and a mismatched SOH?

notrocketscience · 30/07/2015 00:34

Forgive me but I think you may have made a mistake. I think you love him and from what you say I think he loves you too. Just because he is in pain because of his divorce and the agony of losing a former marriage doesn't mean he can't love you equally.
Can you reconsider and talk to him? Parenting differences can be worked through and his pain will not last forever.

all the best x

beaglesaresweet · 30/07/2015 00:46

it didn't sound to me like it was the OP who broke up with him, the other way round i thought - so which is it, OP?
fwiw many people who are recovering from a painful divorce tend to go back and forth emotionally, it doesn't mean it's hopeless. Could you give him time and see if he wants to come back. if he does he's very likely to also compromise more.

Original poster

Handywoman · 30/07/2015 05:25

It was me that finished it, beagles

I do have a tendency to panic and push things away. My psychotherapist is going to have a field day on this when I see her.

I can't sleep or eat.

OP posts:

Original poster

Handywoman · 30/07/2015 05:44

Since my marriage failed I no longer think very much of what love is, nor do I use it as a benchmark because I don't trust that now - because love wasn't enough before. God I'm a mess.

OP posts:

TheStoic · 30/07/2015 06:25

Obviously it's not for anyone else to say, but...could you have been a bit hasty?

I don't believe in borrowing worry from tomorrow. If I'm having a wonderful time with someone I care for, and who cares for me, I'm going to hang on to that for as long as it is a positive experience for both of us. Because...I could be dead tomorrow...

Ouchbloodyouch · 30/07/2015 06:32

I would love to hope that you can resolve this. If resolve is the right word. I agree with stoic

Original poster

Handywoman · 30/07/2015 06:52

I was 100% happy before Sunday.

100%

OP posts:

TheStoic · 30/07/2015 07:24

What happened on Sunday?

antimatter · 30/07/2015 07:26

Did you break because he is too preoccupied with his loss and unable to move on? Meaning that he is blind to the fact that he caused this to upset you?

How long is it since his split and divorce?

Original poster

Handywoman · 30/07/2015 07:33

His split was over 2.5yrs ago. Mine was just over 2yrs.

On Sunday he was coming back from a fab 2 wk holiday with his dd. I was so excited about seeing him. He gets a bit bereft re not bring with her. He knew he was seeing her and taking her out 2 dats later.

When he got here he was not emotionally 'here' at all, he just lay on my bed and got upset about his dd going back of her mums. And it seemed totally out if proportion and suddenly the issues around him/his divorce/dd hit me square on and I felt angry and though 'this is never gonna work'
I think I ended up finishing things because he didn't understand how hurt and angry it made me.

OP posts:

Dowser · 30/07/2015 07:40

Oh dear. This all sounds very sad.

Is he wanting to recreate the past he had while you are panicking at the thought of a future where you feel a bit claustrophobic.

Surely a bit of a good cake is better than none.

Maybe he needs to learn that he can be happy within his independence and cherish the time you have together and you can take your time to learn to trust.

Me and my oh we're separate for 3.5 years but we were very much a couple. Both of us had had 30 year marriages . circumstances brought us to the stage of living together but we knew we would one day and are getting married soon. Seven years after meeting.

What happened to make you throw the baby out with the bath water op?

Dowser · 30/07/2015 07:41

Oh cross post sorry

Original poster

Handywoman · 30/07/2015 07:41

Sunday made me feel like there's too much of an unhealthy dynamic, that I'm a 'distraction' from his very raw emotional feelings of grief. The acuteness of his feelings re his dd really scare me because there doesn't appear to be a sense of balance in his life. Like the only time he's ok is when he is with dd, the rest of the time he's hurting and I'm a 'distraction' and he also longs to be with me more. It's like he's yearning for lots of things rather than coming to terms with events/circumstances. I get scared I represent part if his pain, somehow. He is utterly involved in dd's life. The grief he feels at being apart from her for days seems to me to be unhealthy and makes me feel uncomfortable. I think he might have an unhealthy attachment to her. Because I only met him 11 months ago I have no context to go on there.

God it helps to type it out.

OP posts:

Dowser · 30/07/2015 07:44

Sounds like he was grieving op.

You didn't get your needs met. Maybe he needed time on his own after leaving his daughter then he could build up the anticipation before seeing you.

After my grandson has stayed here for a few days I get a bit down when he goes back.

He sounds like a really caring man. Would you rather he was any other way?

Dowser · 30/07/2015 07:46

I see what you mean.

Original poster

Handywoman · 30/07/2015 07:46

Dowser, yes, I feel he's trying to recreate the past and I'm panicking about feeling claustrophobic.

That's exactly it.

Because of our difficult/long marriages/kids etc. I need to feel a sense of space and balance mirrored in him which isn't there. Because if my marriage where I felt trapped/oppressed/controlled (ex was controlling) I can't cope with the thought of him not being 'ok in himself'

This is helping so much.

OP posts:

Dowser · 30/07/2015 07:47

How old is his daughter?

emotionwreckage · 30/07/2015 07:48

I can see why you were upset about it but he probably just needed a couple of hours to readjust. Two weeks solid with his dd would probably have felt like them living back together again which would then feel painful for a bit afterwards. What a lovely dad! Do you feel a bit jealous of his dd in terms of the emotional investment he has in her? This pain will get easier for him but it's your choice whether you can deal with it right now. It sounds such a shame that something so good has ended over this. However you are of course free to end it for any reason at any time. Take care.

Dowser · 30/07/2015 07:48

So how did you tell him it wasn't working?

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