In bits

[Handywoman]

Today I had to let a fantastic man go after 11 months.

It became clear he is a long way from coming to terms with the breakdown of his marriage/living apart from his dd. I've suspected this but it came to a head this weekend. There is also a mismatch in parenting ethos and I'm uncomfortable about it and have been thinking it would always be a sticking point.

Yet I'm losing an incredible friendship, emotional support, some of the best memories of incredible time spent, someone who finally saw me for 'who' I am. And the most incredible sex imaginable - all this in 11 months. Coming after 14yrs of miserable EA marriage.

I'm in so much pain. In between actual crying, tears are constantly streaming down my face. I feel sick.

My friend took me to the pub but now I'm home I feel utterly, horribly broken. Someone tell me I can recover from this.

Sounds like you're making good progress hw

I've woken up feeling sad and missing the spa and recalling 11 months of him being respectful and warm and, if I'm honest feeling let down that he's gone cold. My abusive EA marriage ended like this and it was very, very hard not having a decent 'ending' (although I appreciate with hindsight just getting away from EAexH was paramount).

Can't work out now if he's just an utter 100%FuckUp of a person, or just hurting/trying to lash out.

All of which means I'm thinking about him - somebody please SLAP ME. HARD ABOUT THE FACE!

I'm not going to slap you in the face - because i do it too! Just think I'm being strong, starting to move on then i have a dream about him, hear a song, see something that reminds me of him & wallop I'm back in the ZONE... Just allow a bit of wallowing, its fine! Then enjoy the rest of your weekend. Know that aren't alone :)

Honestly, HW, you didn't end the relationship in a "respectful, warm" way by kicking him into the tall grass in a fit of anger, so why are you expecting him
to be anything but hurt by your words and actions? A Ziploc bag just means that he is in pain and doesn't want to have anything more to do with you. He doesn't sound like a "100% fuckup." He sounds like a nice human being with some issues who just got shafted...by you. I don't think you can expect him to be all cuddly and understanding when you've been admittedly abrupt in breaking up with him!

Can't work out now if he's just an utter 100%FuckUp of a person, or just hurting/trying to lash out.

I think you set up very strong boundaries in this relationship and when he is following your example - i.e. not overstepping you wish to break up you call him a fuckup?????

don't project your EA experiences of men on this guy
he just happened to be listening to you on this occasion and you expect him to follow pattern you've learned from your exH - punish and tease

I think you just have to stop looking for second meanings - you broke up, he followed up your wishes. He has dignity and self worth you know, don't deny him that!

Breaking of any relationship is hard. MOst of the time follows this pattern www.psychforums.com/relationship/topic84035.html you just have to acknowledge you are going through normal and expected process of grieving and it is going to take time to heal.

Hmmm, kindof, Eden except I messaged the him the following day saying I feel I was also part of the 'problem' and wanted to talk it all through with him. I thought it would be kinder for him to hear from me, face-to-face that actually we were different people who wanted different things. It's possible he just feels more comfortable in the familiarity of feeling like the wounded party (like his response to being divorced and apart from his dd). I think that's entirely possible.

I know all this seeking explanations is me trying to stave off my grief for the spa package.

My inbox is pinging with friends checking on me and the tears are coming so am gonna try and just go with the flow of it........... And lean on my mates instead of focussing on him and the Jiffy bag!!

Try not to over analyse it op while you are in such a raw state. Its like picking at a scab and it will take longer to heal that way.

Whatever didn't work between you didn't work for a reason. Maybe you both just weren't emotionally ready.

Time to let it be and move on upwards. There's nothing to gain from going over and over it again.

Remember feeling follows thought. The more you think about sad things the sadder you will feel.

You were looking forward to doing stuff with your girlfriends so get out and do it ;-)

This is a sad situation, breakups always are, but it was you who dumped him. He is just doing what he should do in the circumstances, it's another loss he has to come to terms with.

if I'm honest feeling let down that he's gone cold.

In all seriousness, how would you have expected him to react?

I probably wouldn't feel very warm towards someone who'd just dumped me. If I was, it would probably be a sign I wasn't that fussed.

Perhaps you labelling him a potential 'fuck up' of a man is a way of convincing yourself you've done the right thing? If so, that's understandable.

PP: He has to find his own support. This thread is for Handywoman.

Handywoman, you can say what you like in private or anonymously. Your feelings are what they are. They don't have to be justified. It's your grieving process.

It won't be one way, it won't be pretty at times, but do what you have to do. It sounds like you're doing really well so far.