In bits

[Handywoman]

Today I had to let a fantastic man go after 11 months.

It became clear he is a long way from coming to terms with the breakdown of his marriage/living apart from his dd. I've suspected this but it came to a head this weekend. There is also a mismatch in parenting ethos and I'm uncomfortable about it and have been thinking it would always be a sticking point.

Yet I'm losing an incredible friendship, emotional support, some of the best memories of incredible time spent, someone who finally saw me for 'who' I am. And the most incredible sex imaginable - all this in 11 months. Coming after 14yrs of miserable EA marriage.

I'm in so much pain. In between actual crying, tears are constantly streaming down my face. I feel sick.

My friend took me to the pub but now I'm home I feel utterly, horribly broken. Someone tell me I can recover from this.

HW, with respect, I think maybe you should stop trying to psychoanalyse it all

sometimes things, and people, just are

it's 11 months out of your life

so he turned out to be a bit of a dick, and you thought he was better than that

just like lots of men

you put him on a massive pedestal, you won't be the first to do that and no way will you be the last

you thought there was something "special" about him...turns out he's just like every other immature bloke who spits the dummy out when he doesn't get the attention he thinks he deserves

so far, so banal

you are making too much of this, IMHO (meant kindly)

Having read the thread l have to agree with antimatter.

Some people take divorce and forced separation from their dc much better than others. I think he sounds like a loving df but not really bf material at the moment which has upset you.

You've done him a favour by breaking up. He can concentrate on his dd if that's what he wants which it clearly looks like.

Try not to overthink it. He's upset, it's only natural.

Neither of you are quite ready for the relationship, that's fine. Doesn't mean either of you are anything other than good people either not ready, or not right for each other.

Doesn't have to be any more complicated than that

I'm with your bestie as all I can see is cause to celebrate your personal growth.

After the long and bleak midwinter of your miserable EA marriage, you stepped into the warmth and sunshine of what a good relationship should be.

Unfortunately, as you created this tropical clime with a deeply flawed man, it was nothing more than an illusion which temporarily hid those fundamental differences which couldn't be overlooked in the long term and which, rightly, have caused you to put an end to it.

The cold Jiffy bag is symbolic of what he is and, had this relationship continued, I suspect you would have discovered that he is not greatly different from your EA ex.

Recycle the bag by putting his house key in it, put a label over your name & address, send it back to him, and look to a future in which you will find a loving and caring man for all seasons whose values are not markedly different from your own.

Handywoman
you were attracted to him because he was the opposite to your ex. I think you did that classic thing of going from one extreme to the other. From a man with no emotions to one over emotional.Perhaps it wasnt meant to last for ever but to show you the two extremes and to prepare you for the next man who might be inthe middle of the two extremes?

Ok.

My goodness, you're all so right.

Time to wise up: he spat the dummy: so what...

If he's that angry and offended the emotional malaise was even worse than I thought.

Reality check complete. Bullet dodged. There's got to be better ones.

I've managed to juggle my work and lighten my day.

Festival ticket: ripped up.
Silly gifts which I never really wanted: binned can't be doing with pointless crap on shelves
Jiffy bag: will make half-hearted effort to reconstruct blue peter style and post later.
Time for a lonnnnng dog walk then curry with friends tonight.
This weekend I'm going to make the most of child-free time and spend it in my garden and with other friends.

Kids with ex for the coming fortnight - I've got stuff in the diary with lovely friends.

rebound complete

Return to Earth enacted.

Maybe I'm not that messed up: my twat radar just needs adjusting in both directions!

Thanks, especially goddess and AF and, well, all of you - you are worth your weight.

Plus I also have ten days with my well adjusted dc to look forward to.

The timing couldn't be better.

to you all.

If he's that angry and offended the emotional malaise was even worse than I thought.

Reality check complete. Bullet dodged. There's got to be better ones.

this ABSOLUTELY!!!

Blue Peter style crafting, a long walk with a faithful companion, and a curry with pals? What more could a gal want?

You have done what is best for you, and for that you deserve respect.

You have also obviously done a lot of work on yourself, with the help of professionals. Again respect. However, I feel that you have applied all that you have discovered and processed about yourself, to your ex. Some of the terminology you use is a bit text book, and you have "diagnosed" him. He is by no means in the same place as you, and may never be. This does not mean that, given time and understanding and some professional help, he would not make a very good partner. I just hope you haven't thrown out the baby with the bath water.

cate I haven't diagnosed him thanks I just put him on a pedestal. I've now taken him off.

And breathe............

Well done you OP.

You sound in a much better place now ;-)

Handy, I hope you keep feeling better soon. The Jiffy bag was pretty tough.

I personally don't think this is all about grief, but something else, which you were already trying to deal with. But it turned out to be a much bigger issue than you hoped. And there was perhaps more to come.

This won't change a thing though. You are where you are. It's your grieving process, and your healing, so do what makes you feel good, and try not to look back. Your ex may have work to do but that isn't your concern or your task, and never could be

^If he's that angry and offended the emotional malaise was even worse than I thought.

Reality check complete. Bullet dodged. There's got to be better ones.^

Oh, excellent

Now take a fecking big axe to that pedestal and burn it in the Chiminea this weekend. Don't give him another thought. I agree that there are blokes out there in the middle of the extremes.

Have a really good think about what you are willing to settle for, HW. The best blokes come with no drama

if drama is what you have come to expect and what you have been trained to attempt to manage because of your disastrous marriage, it's time to re evaluate

As I've yet to see an emotionally mature adult who has long outgrown any need for a dummy languishing in a pool of discarded bathwater, I very much doubt you've junked a good 'un and am more inclined to the view that you've had a lucky escape, HW.

Nevertheless, you had incredible sex some fun times and can chalk it up to something of a spa experience as I have no doubt this particular liaison had a rejuvenating effect on you.

your turn of phrase really reminds me of someone on here

do I "know" you under another name ?

last msg to goddess

at spa experience!!!!!

Yep - that's what it was!!! 11 month spa package!!!

A couple of days of pain discomfort but a helluva of a lot cheaper than nip/tuck and just as effective. What's not to like about that?

I doubt it, AF, as I haven't had a name change yet.

goodluck to you

Hi. I have read with sheer horror and disgust that some posters assumed you were jealous of dd. I spent 2 year relationship with a man who had one ds.. split with ex wife for 6 years. He had had a 4 yr relationship with someone else before me. I have lots of friends with lots of kids around us all the time. Plus a 24 yr old, 21 yr old and a 9 yr old, who is severely autistic in every sense. After 6 yrs alone, which were happy and character building, I met the man of my dreams. It quickly transpired there were major problems in his parenting of his ds. His ds was rude, , exceptionally challenging and every single time he visited (every 2 weekends), he would announce in front of my son, xxx (himself) is the best. In the initial. .. I thought ... even though his parents had been split for 6 yrs.. give the poor wee mite some space. It hurt on account of my home,my son.. as they were same age too. However.. I was the adult in this process. I spoke to my partner many times over this and other rude behaviour. . Which I couldnt get my head around given the length of divorce and intermediate partner who had her own child. We spoke. He agreed it was wrong and better parenting was required from himsef. It happened again and again and again every fortnight. I was talking to him all the time about how it made me feel in front of my child in our home. I also told him my child would feel my toe up his butt if he ever spoke like this about another child in our home. I ended up screaming at him crying at him, and on one occassion had drunk so much wine at the thought of confronting him, I slapped him on the face. I slapped him because I was so upset and gesticulating with my hands.. and he mimicked me..... after months of agreeing bad and quite frankly unnacceptance of others.. appart from his own mom/dad. My partner was to blame,, he had found his hard done by niche to allow his sons behaviour. So, I contacted his ex.. girlfriend of 4 yrs who confirmed my own horrid experience. He was so immersed in guilt his son came first no matter bad behaviour or rudeness. But this was my life too!!! With a severely autistic 9 yr old and a 3 yr old grsndson to think about.my parenting skills were taught with lots of loving, rules and discipline. I hsve 2 grown daughters successful in love and life. They have had many a kick up the backside!! From me! It culminated with me crying to them after many agreeable chats with dp over what was happening. And many fortnightly promises to make it stop.
They suggested as my ds cannot spesk... but understands. . I put a banner up in the sitting room saying my ds is number 1.. is the best. I told him whst they'd suggested snd he burst into tears saying it was incredibly cruel towards his ds. I am still not recovered. I loved him with all my heart. Some men are quite simply. . Entitled. . And your happiness and well being can go to the wall.

chinup

Your story is nothing like the OP. Perhaps put the wine down and step away from the keyboard.

At a loss!!! Seriously op... just think of yourself and happiness of your family. This guy is not for you.

StonedGalah, the block text was indeed eye burning from chinuphigh but I see nothing to suggest her being drunk.
Just her feelings triggered by the thread, so why be so unkind?

Many here are suffering, some fresh today but others from years ago.
I do think that some who accuse others are suffering themselves from the same affliction.

My goodness, chinup how awful. I'm sorry. Yeah it would be pretty sad to be jealous of a 10yo girl. I'm glad I'm not! I ignored those posters. I'm not thinking about them any more though, I don't need to.

Just got back from a fun night out with friends - curry and beer and spontaneous comedy gig. Bumped into a mate I hadn't seen for a while.

Feel like I've been in a whirlwind since Sunday. Ex boyf parephernalia is in the bin. No more looking back (except to remember the spa and the spa alone).

Tomorrow/Sunday/Monday are all about pleasing myself and I've already filled the weekend with good friends who are ready and willing to scoop me up.

Time for some sleep now.