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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

In bits

186 replies

Handywoman · 29/07/2015 23:09

Today I had to let a fantastic man go after 11 months.

It became clear he is a long way from coming to terms with the breakdown of his marriage/living apart from his dd. I've suspected this but it came to a head this weekend. There is also a mismatch in parenting ethos and I'm uncomfortable about it and have been thinking it would always be a sticking point.

Yet I'm losing an incredible friendship, emotional support, some of the best memories of incredible time spent, someone who finally saw me for 'who' I am. And the most incredible sex imaginable - all this in 11 months. Coming after 14yrs of miserable EA marriage.

I'm in so much pain. In between actual crying, tears are constantly streaming down my face. I feel sick.

My friend took me to the pub but now I'm home I feel utterly, horribly broken. Someone tell me I can recover from this.

OP posts:
wannaBe · 30/07/2015 08:18

Do you have dc op? tbh anyone who says something along the lines of "his relationship with his dd is unhealthy" makes me go a bit Hmm

He had a two week holiday away with his child. A child he only gets to see 50% of the time.When you only see your child 50% of the time then an extended period brings the relationship back into perspective ime. After all, he may only see his child 50% of the time but he is still a parent to that child 100% of the time. it's a bit of a comedown when you've spent a long time with your dc and then have to give them back to their other parent, and suddenly there is that void in your life where the child has been for the past two weeks or however long. Of course he was going to be upset. Surely it's far better that he's not the kind of man who can compartmentalise his life to the extent that he can give the dd back to her mum and then happily run into your arms without so much as a thought to his dd?

I agree with a PP that if this was a woman who posted that her partner had dumped her because she was upset over leaving her dc and hadn't been happy enough to see him the responses on here would be vastly different, and not positive towards the man at all.

Tbh you sound jealous of his dd. But his dd will always come before you and that's how it should be. I would say that you probably shouldn't get into a relationship with someone who has kids.

Dowser · 30/07/2015 08:19

Who ended the marriage?

Original poster
Handywoman · 30/07/2015 08:19

Dowser I worry that part of him dies every time he has to say goodbye to her. It can't be right for either of them.

OP posts:
Dowser · 30/07/2015 08:22

But he spent all evening laid out on ops bed wannabe practically numb with grief.

Don't you think it's a bit OTT ?

Original poster
Handywoman · 30/07/2015 08:22

Wanna I am 100% not jealous of his dd. not even slightly. I like her, she is a great kid. This is the sort of anti step mum vibe I was expecting.

I have my own dd x 2 of similar ages. I am the resident parent but I also appreciate and love the adult time I get with him.

OP posts:
ruddygreattiger · 30/07/2015 08:23

Op, think you did the right thing to call it a day. After 11 months it sounds like the neediness and drama are just coming to the surface and a future with a man like that sounds exhausting. Make yourself and your kids your priority.Flowers

AnyFucker · 30/07/2015 08:24

simply put, this bloke has far too much baggage

you have a few suitcases of your own so it is too much to expect you to carry it all

and he is expecting you to make it all OK for him

he is a grown man and should be managing his own feelings, not trying to make you feel like you are part of either the problem or the solution

Dowser · 30/07/2015 08:25

I don't think you do sound jealous of his daughter.

You seemed quite happy for him to have a two week holiday with her. When at this stage in your relationship I would have expected a Week or so with daughter and a week or few days with you.

Finola1step · 30/07/2015 08:26

I do agree that you were right to end this relationship. You are both in very different places and want different things.

Finola1step · 30/07/2015 08:27

But I do still feel a bit sorry for him. Even though I would find it all exhausting.

Dowser · 30/07/2015 08:28

Well a couple of days cooling off might help him to seek help or realise then if he can make some adjustments he can have two sources of happiness in his life.

Dowser · 30/07/2015 08:29

I feel sorry for him too.

Dowser · 30/07/2015 08:31

I feel sorry that he is so consumed with grief ( I don't know how marriage ended so could there be guilt) that it is blind siding him to the fun he could be having on his daughter free day.

wannaBe · 30/07/2015 08:31

But the op also stated that the dd's mum has tried to influence the dd against him etc. It's a massive rollercoster when you have a positive relationship with your child, and that positive relationship is reinforced by a two week holiday, and then you know that you have to give the child back to her other parent who will do all she can to undo that positive relationship. And when the relationships are seprate i.e. the op didn't go away on holiday with them, it can feel a bit like spending a fantastic time with your child and then dropping them off so you can go running back to your partner. It's not how it is but that's how he might see it - as if he couldn't wait to get rid of his dd to be with op - iyswim? It's not always rational but that's how he might see it.

He sounds like a very emotionally intense person, and that's not necessarily a bad thing, but it sounds as if he very much wears his heart on his sleeve and many people find that a difficult trait to live with.

Original poster
Handywoman · 30/07/2015 08:34

Dowser I feel awful and so sorry that I'm even slightly adding to his pain.

He feels things deeply, and cares so much and I admire him enormously. There is something at the core of him that is very 'me' - like a close friend. We have shared some amazing trips away that I will never, ever, forget. The sex was just unbelievable. This is pure torture and tears just keep spilling out of me.

I think I want to keep in touch with him over this period so we can process this split together. Because he is already hurting so much.

I've contacted him this morning but no reply as yet.

OP posts:
Dowser · 30/07/2015 08:37

Op, has he had other losses in his life. When I first became a relationship counsellor I also signed up to become a bereavement counsellor because I knew nothing about bereavement and when I was with clients I often spotted that some clients extreme reactions were linked to much earlier losses in their lives.

I'm wondering if your man has some other unresolved grief issues that are all rolled up like a snowball on to his daughter.

Dowser · 30/07/2015 08:39

Awww!

Original poster
Handywoman · 30/07/2015 08:39

Dowser he lost his dad jut over a year ago. He also took his own parents divorce badly - they split up out of the bus when he was at uni.

OP posts:
Original poster
Handywoman · 30/07/2015 08:40

Blue not bus!

OP posts:
antimatter · 30/07/2015 08:41

I think I would not end relationship over this.

You feel the need of being cherished and appreciated and we all do to some extend.
Emotions he shows are to be worked with, as long as he recognises he needs to do it I would not walk away.

Would you be able to show him this thread?

You both have emotional needs but have to adjust to each other. As long as you can work on it I think you will be happy in long term.

I felt very raw for over 2 years after splitting with my ex and my kids live with me that's why I have my sympathy for him.

Dowser · 30/07/2015 08:44

I really do think it would help him enormously to speak to a counsellor. I would start with a bereavement counsellor.

It's not often you can be so simplistic but I think you have your answer.

I wouldn't bin this man. In fact hard hearted Hannah that I am, I've got a few tears in my eyes !

Dowser · 30/07/2015 08:45

And that doesn't happen very often!

Dowser · 30/07/2015 08:47

I actually think if you'd gone over to the bed, laid beside , cuddled him and said let those tears out, he would have cried a river!

expectantmum79 · 30/07/2015 08:50

You said that he was a wonderful man and your "needs were met" but from what you've described they really aren't. In this honeymoon phase (it's been less than a year) you should be having the best time. Have you had a holiday/ mini break together?

If he's not ready then there's not a great deal you can do. His split was 2.5 years ago, it's not like he's leaving her for the first time at an airport, he'll be seeing her for his 50% contact later in the week? Fair enough it might be hurting him but if he was going to wallow in misery he could have stayed at home for their first night and feigned tiredness so as not to disappoint you.

I don't agree that it's wrong to say the relationship between him and the daughter is unhealthy, you sound like a reasonable and honest person (admitting your own issues). This sounds like OH is damaged, he clearly feels guilt - this is not a great message to send his daughter.

Ask yourself how you'd feel if you had a baby together and he continued to lavish this attention on his daughter at your child's expense. This has been my own experience and it is incredibly painful.

Dowser · 30/07/2015 08:55

Yes, they've had breaks together that have been wonderful with incredible sex.

Op s post did not come across like that with me.