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Original poster

In bits

186 replies

Handywoman · 29/07/2015 23:09

Today I had to let a fantastic man go after 11 months.

It became clear he is a long way from coming to terms with the breakdown of his marriage/living apart from his dd. I've suspected this but it came to a head this weekend. There is also a mismatch in parenting ethos and I'm uncomfortable about it and have been thinking it would always be a sticking point.

Yet I'm losing an incredible friendship, emotional support, some of the best memories of incredible time spent, someone who finally saw me for 'who' I am. And the most incredible sex imaginable - all this in 11 months. Coming after 14yrs of miserable EA marriage.

I'm in so much pain. In between actual crying, tears are constantly streaming down my face. I feel sick.

My friend took me to the pub but now I'm home I feel utterly, horribly broken. Someone tell me I can recover from this.

OP posts:
Original poster
Handywoman · 30/07/2015 07:49

10yo - quite an anxious child - he panders to her emotionally - I think he has an 'anxious' attachment to her maybe. The mum has been pretty immature and bad mouthed her dad to her. It's not hard to see why she's needy and anxious and at times, attention seeking.

OP posts:
TheStoic · 30/07/2015 07:50

So he physically separated from his wife 2.5 years ago. How often does he see his daughter?

Did he ever have counselling?

Dowser · 30/07/2015 07:51

He sounds between a rock and a hard place.

Dowser · 30/07/2015 07:53

Maybe you need to write two lists. Everything that was good in your relationship and everything that wasn't.

It often helps to untangle things in the mind.

Original poster
Handywoman · 30/07/2015 07:54

I told him that evening and the following day. That the more I thought about it the more I couldn't understand what was going on in his head. That I was hurt he couldn't be pleased to see me (he wasn't, really). He said he needed 24hrs to 'adjust' but that makes me feel like everything in his life relates to her. I'm not jealous of their emotional connection. As I said I feel I need 'space/balance' in him. I need him to be able to 'cope' without her for 48hrs.something in his two week stay prevented him building up an anticipation for seeing me. That's not healthy.

OP posts:
Original poster
Handywoman · 30/07/2015 07:55

He sees his dd 50%

They are doing stuff together this week Tues/Wed/thurs with 2 x overnight stays.

After this he says he can see he needs counselling.

OP posts:
Dowser · 30/07/2015 07:56

Has he contacted you since Sunday.

There seems such a lot of raw emotion in all of this.

Him. You. The child. The mother to some extent.

Lots of sadness, tears and anger.

It's almost like a boiling cauldron. No wonder you found it difficult to contain and panicked.

TheStoic · 30/07/2015 07:58

I had exactly the same issues as you, OP. Different parenting styles, what I saw as an unusual level of emotional dependence on his daughters, rushing things with me.

I ended it too. But then I reconsidered, because he was a wonderful man in his own right. I stepped back and thought about exactly the sort of relationship I wanted. I put it to him, and he was more than happy to compromise. Now we don't think years ahead, we enjoy our time together as it happens.

Maybe this relationship could become the one you want, rather than throwing this one away?

Dowser · 30/07/2015 07:58

You seem to have a good grip on it op. very insightful.

Good to see that he thinks counselling might help him.

Ragwort · 30/07/2015 07:59

I think you did the right thing, he is not fully ready (understandably) for a relationship with you ........... and could he be a tiny bit 'needy' - the attachment to his DD sounds incredibly intense and almost a bit unhealthy and the fact that he is talking marriage/living together with you sounds as though he can't bear to be on his own ............. but doesn't quite know how he wants to live.

Original poster
Handywoman · 30/07/2015 08:00

Re contact I pushed him away (feel bad now) and said I didn't want to talk for a couple of days. I feel tearful and hurt that I physically couldn't talk to him. Then yesterday I felt stronger and we spoke on the phone. He said he knew he needed counselling but seemed to think that we could just carry on, but he didn't seem to realise how hurt I was. So I finished it.

Bloody hell.

OP posts:
Dowser · 30/07/2015 08:01

That sounds promising stoic.

I feel your situation op could be worked through if both of you are willing.

How did he react when you said the relationship was over.

Yes, I agree I would have thought he would havebeen more than happy to see you after two weeks away.

Finola1step · 30/07/2015 08:01

I do feel a bit sorry for him. He is struggling to come to terms with the divorce and more specifically, not living with his child full time. He has a lovely holiday with her and then feels really upset when his dd has to go home. He shows you how upset he is and you dump him. When up until that point, you were happy.

If the roles were reversed and it was you who was feeling low after your dc going back to other parent, you seek support from your new partner only to get dumped.... The responses on here would be very different.

I don't mean to be hard or upset you but there are two sides to this relationship. Maybe you're not ready to be in a relationship with him.

Dowser · 30/07/2015 08:03

Have your couple of days cooling off. While he sees his daughter then get back to discuss if the relationship had a future.

Original poster
Handywoman · 30/07/2015 08:05

The attachment to his dd is certainly incredibly intense and I don't feel it's healthy for either of them.

He's a wonderful man. I thought I would just keep all that 'at arms length' but on sun it all hit me square in the face.

Prior to Sun I was in the camp of 'just enjoy the here and now' but then I couldn't see how im not caught up in his weird/mixed up pain.

I was expecting on this thread to be told to step away if you don't like the dd. thank you for these responses they really help.

OP posts:
Dowser · 30/07/2015 08:09

I'm partly with you Finola but also think he's had two years to adjust to his situation.

This didn't just happen last week.

He also had three days of his daughters company to look forward to this week.

It's not like she was put on a plane and shipped off to another country and he wouldn't see her till next year.

Plus he's been with op nearly a year so he's had time to make adjustments too.

It's a bit baffling op. if he really does care about you...I would have expected him to be over the moon to see you knowing that that was your time together in the knowledge that a couple of days later he gets quality time with daughter.

He's not good at separating his feelings out.

Original poster
Handywoman · 30/07/2015 08:10

I accept I have my own issues after my split.

I also totally understand his sadness at saying goodbye to dd after the hol. Of course I can understand that. But it was such that he had no 'emotion' - positive or any chat or greeting for me - after 2 weeks. It made for an uncomfortable evening.

His pain makes me feel claustrophobic. I'm processing that and am in psychotherapy.

OP posts:
Dowser · 30/07/2015 08:11

How did his marriage end op

emotionwreckage · 30/07/2015 08:11

wondering why you thought we would tell you to step away for not liking the dd? Your posts don't say you don't like her. Is this what's behind you breaking up with him?

Dowser · 30/07/2015 08:12

Numb with grief?

Original poster
Handywoman · 30/07/2015 08:12

Thanks Dowser your post at 08:09 is exactly how I feel.

After being together for 11 months he should be happy and relived to have time with me after the hol in the knowledge that he had plenty of quality time with dd booked in this week.

OP posts:
Dowser · 30/07/2015 08:13

Did his wife dump him?

Original poster
Handywoman · 30/07/2015 08:14

emo there is often such an anti-step mum bias on here.

Dowser their marriage was obviously rubbish since the birth if their long awaited dd (lots of fertility treatment) then his ex had an affair.

There then followed am awful 2 years of financial settlement which totally stupidly ended up in court, with dd dragged in to some extent. This had just finished when I met him.

OP posts:
Dowser · 30/07/2015 08:18

I can imagine your evening. He didn't make much of an effort .

He's showing you his true self. Someone who feels deeply. There's nothing wrong in that. It's a good trait to have but as an adult he should have learnt the skill of putting it on a back burner and enjoy the present.

His daughter didn't die . Yet he acts like she did.

emotionwreckage · 30/07/2015 08:18

Poor sod he's been through hell as I'm sure you have too. If you met just after that had finished, he didn't give himself time to heal from it all. How has he taken the split? I would imagine that he's taken it very badly.