In bits

[Handywoman]

Today I had to let a fantastic man go after 11 months.

It became clear he is a long way from coming to terms with the breakdown of his marriage/living apart from his dd. I've suspected this but it came to a head this weekend. There is also a mismatch in parenting ethos and I'm uncomfortable about it and have been thinking it would always be a sticking point.

Yet I'm losing an incredible friendship, emotional support, some of the best memories of incredible time spent, someone who finally saw me for 'who' I am. And the most incredible sex imaginable - all this in 11 months. Coming after 14yrs of miserable EA marriage.

I'm in so much pain. In between actual crying, tears are constantly streaming down my face. I feel sick.

My friend took me to the pub but now I'm home I feel utterly, horribly broken. Someone tell me I can recover from this.

OP, yes there's a way back, if you want it. Emotions are terribly raw at the moment, but give it time and your fundamental feelings for each other will come through.

Btw, your therapist is there to help you, not stake you out on the railway tracks. Devote the session to attachment style or fears of abandonment, for example, it's your call.

Oh dear. I'm so sorry!

I really don't know what else to say.

:-(

Do you know what I think? I think if someone had posted from the OH's perspective, saying she (or he) had just had a lovely holiday with her DC and was now missing them so terribly that she had simply been unable to do more than cry/sit numbly when she went round to see her bf, the majority of responses (after checking the bf hadn't caused the crying!) would be on the lines of her not really being ready to be seeing someone, and that counselling would be a good next step. Let's face it, most of us have been in the position of having to hand over our precious DC for a stretch of time with their other parent, and some cope with it better than others for a whole hatful of reasons. When the grief becomes too overwhelming to function then some help is needed - counselling, medication, lifestyle changes, whatever works for the individual. The Love Of A Good Woman is slightly overrated as a cure-all. If it were enough it would already be working.

Oh sorry, spent a little too long posting and missed your update.

For now, it is probably the best thing. Trying to stay friends would have hurt you both more, particularly if one of you kind of hoped it would get back to how it was while the other one didn't.

Agree with others, I do hope you're being light-hearted about your psychotherapist. If he/she really does seem to be ghoulishly feasting on your pain then they are probably not the most appropriate person for the job.

I've been through something similar recently. Ended a 2 and a half year relationship in what felt like a very abrupt manner, wasn't entirely clear why I did it, felt guilty and angst ridden that I would hate myself in time for doing it, etc etc... everything you describe! I even tried asking for him back but he was too hurt and angry, and we are no contact now.

Ultimately I realised I had to give my gut feeling the benefit of the doubt. Five weeks post break up, after plenty of soul searching and talking (to a therapist but also to friends and family), I see much more clearly why I did it, and I am certain it was the right thing.

Don't let emotions cloud your inner voice. Be kind and patient with yourself and things will become clear in time. For whatever reason, and nobody on this thread can tell you why, you felt unable to cope with this man and this relationship. You have to trust your instinct.

I was being a little tongue in cheek re psychotherapist. She challenges me, we haven't been working long and we haven't discussed this relationship much but she already knows my pattern of pushing things away.

Do you have a habit or pattern of pushing people away who are good, kind, loving and caring, Handy? If so, then perhaps you might want to ask yourself why... and perhaps your psychotherapist could help. I am truly sorry for your upset, but I can totally understand why he doesn't want any more contact with you.

IMO - I think you ARE jealous of his relationship/emotional attachment with his daughter and that is pretty much what all it boils down to. As much as you deny it, that is what I have picked up from your first few posts, I feel you are trying to justify things in your later posts, and put the fault onto him, but I don't think it is unusual to feel the way that you do. You quit the relationship in a jealous rage, and now your emotions have died down you have realised your mistake.

I still think you have probably made the right decision. His daughter isn't going anywhere, and unless you are able to deal with your own feelings and emotions then this will be something that will creep up again and again - as it has, with ever building resentment.

If you want him back, my suggestion would be to work on yourself, give him some space, lots of space and see what happens once the dust has settled.

Just quickly read pg1 &5 of this & wanted to say i know how you feel! I ended a relationship 7 wks ago as my P had become more & more unavailable as he was getting more angry about his marriage breakup (2 yrs ago) & only seeing his kids twice a week, not more settled & content with me. Like you i tried, but in the end his behaviour got weird & i went with my gut. I still cry nearly every was i miss who he USED to be, not what he became. It's shit, but you've done the right thing IMO. X

OP surely you can hardly be surprised, once you've dumped him, that he doesn't want to remain in contact with you. You can hardly have this both ways.

Best to respect his wishes now OP and not contact him again. Tbh you seem to have enough to deal with - why complicate things. I hope you get the help you need from your psychotherapist but, like a PP said, the phrase 'My psychotherapist will feast on all this next week' is something to think about.

HW, are you ok ?

Yes, I was thinking of you too ????

Ah, that's what those marks are. I put the tearful smiley on!

I'm pretty bad.
Feel physically pretty I'll, been swimming with the dc and sobbed into a towel in the changing room. Everything makes me think of things we've done together.
Keep getting overwhelmed by waves of grief and nausea. Only been able to have drinks of coke. Not managed to eat. Got a friend coming round tonite. Am a zombie. Tomorrow at work will be tough. Was meant to be going to a music festival with him this weekend.

I feel like I'm going insane with grief.

Getting rid of a misigynist, controlling, emotional retard was a piece of cake compared to this.

My ASD 10yo dd2 is being very protective of me. She's a bit unsettled by her mum being so on the verge, but we've had a cuddle and a chat about it.

Apologies for sudden multiple posts. Am putting one foot in front of the other.

I keep thinking of things to tell him. Then I remember.

I'll shut up now

I knew you were going to say you were taking this harder than getting shut of your abusive husband

you are not ready for this, love

it shouldn't be this hard, really it shouldn't

you don't need to shut up

Do you have to go to work tomorrow

Yep

Am pleased you have company tonight.

It all helps.

If you get so bad after she's gone you can always call the Samaritans.

Didn't sleep last night so am hoping beer and tramadol will do the trick. Going to try some soup now.

I'm a total rebound Classic