In bits

[Handywoman]

Today I had to let a fantastic man go after 11 months.

It became clear he is a long way from coming to terms with the breakdown of his marriage/living apart from his dd. I've suspected this but it came to a head this weekend. There is also a mismatch in parenting ethos and I'm uncomfortable about it and have been thinking it would always be a sticking point.

Yet I'm losing an incredible friendship, emotional support, some of the best memories of incredible time spent, someone who finally saw me for 'who' I am. And the most incredible sex imaginable - all this in 11 months. Coming after 14yrs of miserable EA marriage.

I'm in so much pain. In between actual crying, tears are constantly streaming down my face. I feel sick.

My friend took me to the pub but now I'm home I feel utterly, horribly broken. Someone tell me I can recover from this.

I reallythink you have done the right thing; i am split with my dc's father, we each do 50/50. It's been 4 years. I've also had a 3 year relationship since then with a man who had 3 dcs with his ex.

I think his reaction is all consuming and unhealthy; yes it is normal to feel sadness and grief for the family unit you had, but you adapt, you learn to balance out your life and fill the child free times, appreciate time on your own and also new relationships. It seems to me, whilst he obviously loves you, that he is also looking to you to be a salve on his pain, and i have experienced similar in my relationship after my marriage. Due to his complicated and distressing marriage breakdown, there are elements of it that he still after several years has not got over, and at times i felt so burdened by it, in that it was like it was on my shoulders too . That regardless of anything we did, how close we were, he had an all encompassing grief that was almost like an obsession.i know the pain of a marriage breakdown and not seeing your children all the time. But this got disturbing, almost as if his own sense of self, and his sense of the children's selves, were an extension of him; he couldn't perceive them as people in their own rights. And althouh there were other issues, it ended because my self esteem and confidence ended up on the floor....it was so unbalanced and really unhealthy.

I see what is happening with you both as eerily similar.

I think OP can't cope with her partner being emotionally involved with his dd the way he is.

In relationships we have to accept the other person as they are and if OP can't then is only right to go separate ways.

I think you should be true to your decision and let him go. On and off at the end of a relationship in awful. I agree with Dowser that if you'd been able to see beyond your own feelings of disappointment and given him a cwtch when he was clearly in need of one, it might have turned out differently. You've both got too much going on. Also agree that he might benefit from counselling and then a fresh start with someone else.

Thanks wallaby, and Dowser I what a mess. I'm in the middle of a run and sti have tears running down my face. I've had to stop running because I've barely slept and the asthma has kicked in.

What would have to change for you to be happy, OP? And is it possible?

I think I would have to work on my aversion to the 'unbalanced-ness' and neediness in him.

He would have to start looking at where his pain comes from and really engage with it.

And I'd have to step away from his family dynamic while that happens.

He would have to fully accept that we aren't going to start sharing family holidays and buying a house together. We have had that conversation and he says he accepts it but I think he still hopes it!'s on the cards, deep down, to soothe his emotional pain.

Yes, you are asking a lot of him He would have to fully accept that we aren't going to start sharing family holidays and buying a house together.

That is something it must be hard for him to come to terms with. This is IMHO deal breaker.

Oh Handywoman - it sounds like you're in that state where you know rationally you've made the right decision, but your emotions (and physical sense of comfort) are just playing catch-up. It's SO painful to go through that.

It sounds as though there is something deeper than his situation at work here: that he deals with things emotionally in a way that you find challenging and needy. I understand that the marital breakdown and coparenting is the trigger for this right now, but through life there are unfortunately a multitude of situations that are emotionally difficult and painful. I think if you aren't emotionally compatible in the way you handle these, it can be a real struggle and lead to a lot of unhappiness. Which is all a long-winded way of saying you sound like you have your head screwed on, and that you've made a very sensible decision, even if it is really tough living with that right now.

Wise words shovetheholly -nepotism on.

Spot on rather

Wow, I have a slightly different perspective... The guy gave his beloved, cherished (IVF baby) non-resident daughter back to her mum after a fabulous 2 week holiday and...because he's not sufficiently excited/over the moon/thrilled to see you, OP, you dump his arse "in anger" as you admit!! Oh yes, "I was expecting to be told on this thread to step away if you don't like the DD." So you admit you don't like her, and you think she is needy and overly attached to her dad (and he, to her)?

This post is all about YOU, OP, and your rather nasty, hasty, knee-jerk response to his open display of grief. I don't hear much (any?) empathy or compassion for either your exDP or his daughter, who was clearly traumatised by her parents' divorce... Being dragged into court at 10!!! Maybe you did exactly the right thing in showing your exDP your true feelings, because you would never make a good stepmother to his DD. Sorry you're feeling rubbish but you did this to yourself... So dry your tears. He is now free to find a partner or future wife who will show him some compassion when he needs it...and provide love and stability for his child. You sound much, much too self-centred to do that, IMO.

Op this sounds just like my situation with DP at the start of the relationship. To cut a long story short, he had no experience of non traditional non biological families and felt that was the gold standard in which to bring up children. He couldn't see another way, despite having spent years in a desperately unhappy relationship with his ex, who was also obviously unhappy as she had cheated multiple times since dc2 was born.
He had no other examples of family set ups to model his new situation on, until he started to seek them out. There are many step children/ parents in my family, I was brought up by aunts and grandparents and had a stepfather and he could see I was (relatively) happy and well adjusted! He met other stepfamilies through catching up with old friends on fb. As he started to chat to other nrp eventually he was able to reconcile the fact that he, his DCs (and ex) could all be much happier in this new set up. He has sorted 50/50 custody and went on anti anxiety medication and is now 99% better, and a wonderful partner and good friend to my older teen DCs. The anxiety about being apart from his DCs is still there but he manages it very well and now, for example, will let his DCs stay with my older DCs so we can go out for a meal etc.
I think a break at least is definitely a good idea and maybe he isn't the one for you. But possibly, if he could seek out the company of other, more contented nrp, or some stepfamilies to model his ideals on, he maybe able to re configure his expectations of his relationship with his dd, and become a stronger, more balanced person generally?

OP, I just saw your comment that he lost his dad a little over a year ago...
News flash: He is still mourning his dad's death!! Separating from his DD after their holiday probably provided just the "gateway" opening necessary to trigger that profound sense of loss. I lost my brother to cancer eight years ago... Trust me, I wasn't over it in a year, and sometimes the most unexpected things would set off a huge upsurge of grief. You're being very hard on him, very soon. He could probably benefit from expert bereavement counselling, as another poster has said... But processing grief just takes time, and if you're impatient with him, or want to rush him through it, he is better off without you... You've just done a tidy job of compounding his pain and sense of loss, anyway!

But the op's partner said his issue was with his dd, not father? The op can't mind read. I lost my stepdad to cancer less than a year ago, and if I was upset about that I would a) say so, and b) be even more pleased to see DP after 2 weeks apart

it isn't OP's job to manage his moods, make constant "allowances" for him to her own emotional detriment, ease his pain and loss etc

she has her own gamut of "pain and loss" to contend with

grown ups have choices...to seek help, to decide they are not ready for a balanced and equal relationship, to not rely on others to rescue them

she owes him nothing, she can walk away any time she likes if it isn't working for her

The man goes to uni and his parents split up out of the blue. We don't know how he processed that or if he ever did.

Could have just shoved it on a back burner.

Then his marriage splits up( we don't why or the effect that's had on him)

He loses his father just a year ago. So more stirring up of his emotions.

He's invested his love in his child and now only gets to be with her part time and the mother poisons her.

It must feel like everything he's ever loved just disintegrates.

He has a chance with a new woman ( op) everything going well . He's hoping to progress it to the next level but OP puts the brakes on. ( I can quite understand that OP a year is nothing)

it sounds like he crashed into a wall the other night OP. I do think it's recoverable from though and it seems like he recognises that .

it isn't OP's job to manage his moods, make constant "allowances" for him to her own emotional detriment, ease his pain and loss etc

This is her reading of his motives. She could be wrong.

I do think it's unrealistic to expect happiness and sunshine from someone who has just dropped their child off after a wonderful holiday. In fact, I'd think it was quite unusual to compartmentalise so easily.

OP, I think if you'd given him a day or two to regroup after his holiday, you would still be together.

op is not his counsellor and there is no imperative that she should put her own emotional stability (hard fought, if I remember previous threads correctly) at risk while he "recovers"

she can understand all that on an intellectual level, but if the relationship is bringing her down she does right to end it

she can understand all that on an intellectual level, but if the relationship is bringing her down she does right to end it

Well, that's the bottom line. If it's not making her happy, it's not working.

But I think she's sending confusing messages: "Focus on me while I'm here and be happy!" As well as "hey, give me space please." Been there, done that too.

He's probably pretty confused himself.

I didn't get the impression from OPs posts that the relationship was bringing her down. Maybe I missed that.

She does have concerns about the relationship which is why she ended it.

I'm picking up that she wonders if she's been a bit hasty .This man isn't an abuser or a murderer . She's spotted no other red flags. They actually have had a great time together.

While I agree shes not there to sort out his emotional problems and yes she has enough of her own which she has sought help for I get the feeling that there might be a possibility of a some kind of future if he too gets help.

Or I'm entirely on the wrong track.

Not necessarily, dowser

Just a different viewpoint. I can see this bloke's plight has tugged your heartstrings a little. I am more of a cynical ole harridan that would be appalled at myself if I put my own emotional safety below that of some bloke.

Set him free and find someone with less baggage or invite him back when he has sorted himself out would be my advice.

OP, I think I would have problems with my SOH if I had been through what your DP has experienced. Why not lose the anxiety and give him a chance? Compassion will be its own reward. And 11 months is nothing, you're still just getting to know each other.

He messaged me back (for the last time it seems) and doesn't want to hear from me any more. He's obviously very very hurt. I feel completely broken tbh. My psychotherapist will feast on all this next week. I feel like I've been hasty and should have had a chat to him rather than push him away and feel angry. I feel sick and cannot eat but there's no way back now.

I do not ever want to go through this again.

I feel like I did when I lost my mum to cancer aged 54.

I feel devastated. I think I will end up hating myself for this.

Just give it some time, Handywoman. There's nothing you can do right now, except respect his wishes.

Perhaps reach out in a week or two. You will both have calmed down and he may be rethinking his decision by then. If not, you'll know you tried.

why ? For refusing to subsume yourself ? Refusing to martyr yourself at the altar of His Terrible Tragedy ?

Give over, HW.

I applaud you. You have weathered worse storms than this. Let him get on with his emotional prostration in his own time

and if your psychotherapist will "feast" on this I think there is a poor trust relationship between you and you should seek a more fitting one