In bits

[Handywoman]

Today I had to let a fantastic man go after 11 months.

It became clear he is a long way from coming to terms with the breakdown of his marriage/living apart from his dd. I've suspected this but it came to a head this weekend. There is also a mismatch in parenting ethos and I'm uncomfortable about it and have been thinking it would always be a sticking point.

Yet I'm losing an incredible friendship, emotional support, some of the best memories of incredible time spent, someone who finally saw me for 'who' I am. And the most incredible sex imaginable - all this in 11 months. Coming after 14yrs of miserable EA marriage.

I'm in so much pain. In between actual crying, tears are constantly streaming down my face. I feel sick.

My friend took me to the pub but now I'm home I feel utterly, horribly broken. Someone tell me I can recover from this.

you will get through it

just like the other stuff

what is the alternative, eh ?

he's just a bloke, remember that

I know. Thanks, AF, Dowser and Sensible it all helps

Forgive me if I'm way off tack, but I have emotionally unstable personality disorder, and how you talk about your emotions and them being all consuming resonates with me.

Have you tried mindfulness with your psychotherapist? I find it incredibly useful when my emotions feel overwhelming.

Seems others know your back story, which I dont, so this post it easy to disregard if not helpful.

I think shovetheholly had it right. You've made the right decision rationally but your emotions have not caught up.

I don't see that you acted hastily, more that you felt clarity at that moment. There is something there he has to deal with. Attachment like that to his child, whom he is seeing constantly, is not really healthy for either of them. And his behaviour suggests he's not in the right place for a relationship with you. This is something you would have had to deal with at some time.

These first few days might feel awful at times, unbearable. But. You will get through.

I'm so sorry OP.

Something somebody said to me on here a few years ago that helped - this is at least a good, clean, pain. It's not murky and messy and confusing like the pain of emotional abuse. It hurts, it really bloody does (and it's physical pain, isn't it? So weird.) but it's supposed to, and there's something almost comforting about that. You will get through it and you will be okay and you can call him a shit (while knowing he is not) and you can and should lean on those around you who love you. And although you never want to date again right now, now you know what your baseline is for a healthy relationship, you will never ever ever fall for an abusive cunt ever again.

lampshady - I don't know if this is the same for OP but for me after leaving an EA relationship emotions were completely all consuming because I had been so numb for so long that I had to learn to feel them again. And I think a break up like this is extraordinarily painful in any situation, but it feels especially raw when you have that contrast.

Bertie yes that is it. That is absolutely it.

I've only had my feelings back for a short while. After I lost my mum then had my dc the abuse kicked in and I spent years in survival mode.

Now I feel as though I'm drowning in pain.

My friend is reading dd2 a bedtime story. I'm downstairs having a beer and another cry.

My totally unhelpful advice is to get into some kind of emotionally devastating TV series which you can unhealthily attach your feelings to and obsess over. I recommend something with an unfathomable amount of seasons. I used to walk with the buggy to Blockbuster twice a week and rent all of the chick flicks and weird indie films I could find and have a DVD binge but you could do it on Netflix or amazon prime now. I mean, if you're going to be up all night anyway, you might as well plough through some box sets!

You're welcome OP and am truly sorry you are going through this pain right now when you thought you had found mr right only for him to be mr not right now.

Op, you feel like you did after losing your mum a few years ago, well he has list his daughter, gf and father.

Be there for him.

He hasn't lost his daughter. Has he? A two week holiday with her and seeing her three days this week is hardly losing her.

That's what all of this has been about, just getting things into perspective. If he'd been just a bit more delighted to see the op after he had dropped his daughter off things would have been different for both of them.

If he'd opened up and said I'm feeling a bit bereft right now. I miss her and I know it's a bit ridiculous as I'm seeing her again in two days time. Come and give me a cuddle. Things might have been different.

Fwiw op I've had two of my gorgeous grandchildren round for tea. It's been a lovely, lovely vist and now I won't see them for 2.5 weeks and I feel very sad. One of them lived with me and I raised him to the age of five. So, yes. It hurts like hell but you just have to keep plodding on, one foot in front of the other. Live in the present . Onwards and upwards.

So last night my bestie came over, she lives up the road and we've seen each other through absolutely everything since aged 18. I see her every week. She's a trained counsellor/psychotherapist and long serving Samaritan.

We discussed everything I've seen between him and his dd that's made me uncomfortable. My friend made it clear to me that his relationship with his dd doesn't have any boundary and they are insecurely attached. Every time his ex is a bit shoddy or forgets something or is inappropriate he can't help but compensate and lose more of himself emotionally in her and the divorce.

My kids and me are very securely attached and independent and non mollycoddled. His dd is anxious and attention seeking (understandably-she is in symbiosis with her dad) and she holds all the power when he is there and he grieves painfully when she is not there. He can't separate himself from her emotionally. In a text to me he described being NRP as 'enforced separation' whereas I see it as quality 50% contact. I now see that my aversion to having shared holidays etc. was about protecting my dc from being confused an unsettled by this weird dynamic. As well as the fact that I can't handle it either. It may be that his dd was like an OW in his marriage - I'll never know.

I think for him I was like a beautiful scenery he was trying to place on top of a murky picture to try and make a perfect hole. It was not going to work. I would always be parked awkwardly within his distress - that's how I felt when he came over.

I've done more sobbing and there's loads more to come. It was a case of 'right relationship, wrong man' he has shown me what a generous, loving relationship can be. I'll have to recover from deciding to let that go and right now it feels like my right arm has been cut off.

I have a difficult day today - I'm a healthcare prof and have needy clients today but have nothing to give to them.

I'm going to write a letter to my ex because the separation is painfully abrupt. I'm going to offer him the chance to communicate with me and express where he is at with all this because, like me, he is expert and hiding all this vulnerability and now needs to break the pattern and sit with it. I'll offer him the opportunity to do that with me as a friend but accept I may never hear from him again.

My bestie said she can't bee too sad for me, because she is very proud of me for making a strong and right decision - I'm holding onto that for today.

Thanks for sticking with on this thread.

Wow. Very insightful. Aside from your acute distress you sound like you are in a good place right now with a good understanding of the dynamics of your relationship.

If your ex had had as much understanding you probably could have made it work.

His phrase of enforced separation sounds like he is still grieving. Rather than seeing the down time he has from his daughter as the opportunity to have more quality time with you and vice versa
. No parent is with their child 100 per cent. They go to school, they ( often) sleep in their own beds, they do activities, they see grandparents, friends and so on. That's an opportunity for parents to work, to have time together, to see other friends, to take up a hobby....not go round in an absolute welter of grief.

Like Diana famously said about Camilla there's three in the marriage. I think you would be right in your speculation re your circumstances. Ok if the two at the top were the partners but not where the two are father and daughter.

Don't feel like you have nothing to give your clients. When our backs are against the wall we pull it out of our boots. I'm sure it will help to keep your mind away from your distress.

Hope you have a better day today ;-)

Well exactly Dowser, you have to wonder how he'll cope with her getting to late teens and having her own life, or will she not have one?

Just popped home for a wee in between visits. On the doormat with the rest of the post was a Jiffy bag containing my front door key, and a post it note with his address and a cold request for his house key back.

Oh my god. As if this isn't already hard enough......

Never has so much been said with a Jiffy bag: so cold. Am so hungry but can't eat. My insides won't relax. Whole body is tense trying to hold it together.

Maybe I deserved the cold Jiffy bag but I don't feel I did.

I think if you told him let's cool it down for a bit until me and you work out how to progress our relationship you would not be going through this break up in such emotional way.

But you said you want out of this relationship - what else was he supposed to do? You made it clear it's over.

Pretty soon you will realise you dodged a bullet here

he was always going to be a one way street....everything going in one direction

any grown man that lies catatonic on someone else's bed they haven't seen for 2 weeks at the prospect of not seeing their daughter for 2 days is never going to be very giving in the emotional dept is he ?

Does he know what you think of his relationship with his daughter?

I know it's over. I understand it can't work. The issues are fundamental and one of them is not very amenable to change (the dynamic with his dd is entrenched - she's 10).

But he has demonstrated to me he's a warm, respectful considerate and sensitive man.

Keys in the post is a hard hitting punch in the gut. I know he knows that.

You delivered massive punch in the gut splitting with him on the first date after his holiday. So I guess is 1 all

X posted.

Stoic re his dd I have told him after she said a few things to push my buttons, he gives her such detailed attention she doesn't have the concept of what is ok and what isn't ok to say to get attention. He seemed to take it on board but that was it.

I didn't tell him I think the relationship between him and his dd is unhealthy. I don't think that's my place. If I did the Jiffy bag would maybe have come quicker!

antimatter yes fair point 1:1

AF what's weird is he was emotionally giving.

Unless it was only as long as I was propping up his life with an illusion that all is functioning as it should.

If that was the dynamic then I've got way more months of psychotherapy ahead than I thought. I really don't want to think of him as a secret Narc. That would devastate me.

I'm sorry but if this situation was reversed people would have told the op to cut contact, consider it a lucky escape and give back his key

Let's look at the issues here. The man had a messy breakup two years ago, lost his father a year ago, and it is likely that the emotional reaction to his giving back his dd to her mum (who isn't overly supportive of their relationship) was just a reminder of how his life has changed in the past two years. Sometimes these things can hit hard and suddenly but the op couldn't deal with the fact he wasn't pleased to see her so she dumped him while saying that he has an unhealthy relationship with his dd.

If a woman had posted here that she'd been through all that in the past two years and that her bf of nine months had dumped her because she didn't show an acceptable level of enthusiasm to see him would people be saying :well op he has a point. It does sound as if you have a very unhealthy relationship with your dd, he is well rid." no didn't think so.

Now it may be that this man has some issues going on which mean he isn't yet ready for a relationship, or it may be that the op isn't the right person to be able to be with him.

But really, having just been dumped by her for being upset over his dd why on earth should this man consider wanting to stay friends?