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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

husband threw a set of car keys in my face...

202 replies

instructionsforaheatwave · 25/07/2015 21:22

...says it all really. In front of our three small kids. Have a mark on my upper lip now...not sure what to do.

Background: our marriage is strong, and good (I thought). We have a very good life - a lovely bunch of close supportive friends, no real money worries compared to most; 3 happy, healthy kids. I feel blessed every day tbh. We are unlucky with our immediate families (mine are dead, his are very very difficult and we are essentially NC with them: this is obviously very difficult for DH).

We have similar interests, laugh a lot and have a good sex life. He does flare up in (our ultimately rare) rows and has a tendency to slam doors or storm off but I've never had something thrown at me before. He also says vile things when angry: any conflict and he becomes a monster: says stuff like 'I don't give a shit what you think', and tells me to shut up.

Today it came out of nowhere - he went to run an errand and seemed in a bad mood when he came back. Snapping at me and the kids...I kept asking him what the matter was just to be brushed off. We had to go off to a friend's birthday picnic - parked in the wrong place and were struggling to find them. He got into a rage and that's when he threw the keys at me and stormed off. The kids were horrified - as was I - but I kind of held it together for their sake. Also held it together for the rest of the afternoon as it was a close friend's big birthday and no way I could miss it.

Home now, and I've essentially told him it was utterly unacceptable and asked what the hell the problem is. His response: you're being a drama queen. shut up.
He storms off and just now said 'I'm sorry, I don't want to fight', and I said 'it's not really a fight is it? It's you throwing something at me..'

So shaken. Don't know what to do.

OP posts:
cozietoesie · 25/07/2015 21:25

Tell him to go.

(What is your financial and practical position with regard to the house, income etc?)

NoahVale · 25/07/2015 21:25

take a rain check, a step back, does he have worries that you dont know about?

NoahVale · 25/07/2015 21:26

sounds like he didnt mean to hurt you. sounds like he isnt a bastard that you should leave though

Lweji · 25/07/2015 21:28

What would you advise your DC to do?

Reading your post, this is him:

He does flare up in (our ultimately rare) rows and has a tendency to slam doors or storm off but I've never had something thrown at me before. He also says vile things when angry: any conflict and he becomes a monster: says stuff like 'I don't give a shit what you think', and tells me to shut up.

So, this is not new, just increasing his abuse.

This is where you stop it.

You have a choice of holding it all together, overlooking it, and telling him and your children that it's fine for him to treat you like this.

Or you tell him and your children that it's not fine, and that you can't live with this abuse.

Lweji · 25/07/2015 21:29

As for the worries, it doesn't bode well either. I'd think debt or woman.

cozietoesie · 25/07/2015 21:29

Would you say the same thing if he had nicked an eyeball and she was in casualty, Noah? He threw a weapon at her without any knowledge of where it would land.

NoahVale · 25/07/2015 21:31

keys arent a weapon

ouryve · 25/07/2015 21:31

And he did this in a public place? Then calls you the drama queen?

Can you honestly say his issues with his family are all on their side?

fusspot66 · 25/07/2015 21:32

He is minimising his actions already and trying to blame you for being a drama queen. Not good.

Lweji · 25/07/2015 21:32

Keys are definitely a weapon.

I used to hold mine in a certain way in case I got ambushed by violent exH, or if I'm feeling uneasy.

How about you get someone to throw a set of keys at your face and then let us know how it feels?

NoahVale · 25/07/2015 21:32

oh, ltb then op

ouryve · 25/07/2015 21:33

Anything can be a weapon, Noah

In face, I used to clutch my keys in my fist s that they were sticking out between my fingers when I walked down a rather scary street on my way home, as a student. Had I reacted and punched someone with that fist, those keys would most definitely have been a weapon.

Gasp0deTheW0nderD0g · 25/07/2015 21:33

My daughter was just reminiscing today that at school they were taught to use keys as a weapon if attacked. So yes, any sharp object thrown at a person could be described as a weapon. Utterly unacceptable behaviour at any time but particularly bad in front of the children.

ouryve · 25/07/2015 21:34

In fact. Not face. Can't even blame autocorrect, as I'm on a laptop.Blush

Lweji · 25/07/2015 21:34

In fact, you should report this to the police. You won't. But you should. You got injured by someone else's actions, not by accident.

ouryve · 25/07/2015 21:38

Is everything black and white in your world, Noah? Hmm You've gone in one post from sounding like a total wet blanket to having a good old stomp.

Oly4 · 25/07/2015 21:38

Ok, what he did was completely unacceptable but I don't think it warrants leaving him for, given the other stuff you said about a good relationship.
I'd tell him it was totally out of order and demand to know what's going on. Have it out with him and tell him you won't accept having things thrown at you.
Hell, I threw a book at an ex once. But I wouldn't exaclty consider myself violent! Me and my current partner don't row much at all but I think I do say shut up and F off on occasion. Don't people do that?
Obviously, if your husvand starts doing this regularly and refuses to explain, it's time to take action

Tequilashotfor1 · 25/07/2015 21:39

Ouch I bet that hurt.

Yes to lwegi . What would you say if it was one of your children and there partner did this?

I think his behavour is ramping up. He hasnt even shown any remorse or acknowledging what he has done. He could have done serious damage to your eye or mouth.

Regardless if he had worries he crossed over the line - big time.

Ive been in a physically abusive relastionship and the lack of acknowledgment on your dh part really reminds me of when my scum bag ex started his shit.

Lweji · 25/07/2015 21:40

've essentially told him it was utterly unacceptable and asked what the hell the problem is. His response: you're being a drama queen. shut up.
He storms off and just now said 'I'm sorry, I don't want to fight', and I said 'it's not really a fight is it? It's you throwing something at me..'

The OP has challenged him and got this response. Now what?

Original poster
instructionsforaheatwave · 25/07/2015 21:41

thanks everyone.

no, generally he's not a bastard...most of the time he treats me very well and this is why I'm so shocked. he walked off straight afterwards (bear in mind we were lost in a park!) and I said to kids 'don't know why daddy is in such a bad mood, let's start walking and go find our friends'...as we were walking I texted him and essentially said 'you just threw keys into my face! wtf?' and he replied 'i didn't think i did and if so i am sorry'...almost as if he didn't think before he did it...

i keep thinking though: what example does this set our kids? if someone did this to our daughter in 20 years time, I'd be livid. and our sons...I don't want them growing up thinking this is ok. because it isn't.

OP posts:
butterflygirl15 · 25/07/2015 21:42

being spoken to in such a hateful way, throwing keys, slamming doors - none of this looks great tbh. Where is your line? You can't stop or change him - you only can decide whether you can live with it, and prob watch is slowly escalating

Do you want to show this to your DC as a blueprint for what they should accept or expect as adults?

I also wonder if there is something or someone else you don't know about and his anger being vented at you is about his own guilt, or wish to leave.

NoahVale · 25/07/2015 21:44
Thanks only you can decide op. i am sure other wise people can give advice
mathanxiety · 25/07/2015 21:48

The bottom line is that in this relationship you are forced to observe his rule about discussions where the two of you may disagree. The bottom line is that depending on his mood there will be no discussion no matter how you may want a discussion. This was illustrated by this interaction:

"I've essentially told him it was utterly unacceptable and asked what the hell the problem is. His response: you're being a drama queen. shut up.
He storms off..."

So you are silenced. Your response is not acceptable to him because it challenges his view of himself and his perception of where he stands in the hierarchy of your family.
He is aggressive enough to strike back when you dare to make this challenge.

"...and just now said 'I'm sorry, I don't want to fight', and I said 'it's not really a fight is it? It's you throwing something at me..'"

And of course you are right. It was not a fight. Please do not lose sight of this.

It was him using you as a punchbag, a receptacle for his anger or frustration or whatever emotion he was feeling. And in the process telling you he feels no respect for you or for your relationship, to the point where he injured you.

He is using you. He is not contributing a 50% share to the health of this relationship. You are giving and he is taking.

Presumably he did not respond?

You should read 'Why Does he Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men' by Lundy Bancroft.

This is a habitual response of his, and though he does not physically strike you every time, what he does is all of a kind. You are required to shut up.

A lot depends on how you are going to respond to that.
You have options.

I sense from your description of the sort of life you have that you know you have choices to make and that you have some fears. It comes down to whether you want to live with the fear you know or the fear you do not know.

At this point in your marriage there is going to be fear either way.

Original poster
instructionsforaheatwave · 25/07/2015 21:49

ps - I'm 99.99 percent sure there's no other woman! certainly no debt worries. like I said earlier, generally I think we're very lucky. his only issue is the situation with his parents (which would take a whole other thread to explain) - but as far as I know this wasn't a factor in anything today.

i just don't know what the fuck to do.

breaks my heart how the kids reacted. I think the younger two were almost a bit oblivious (thanks to me trying to cover it up), but my eldest kept gripping onto me and asking if i was ok, and then constantly glancing up at me as we walked.

OP posts:
Lweji · 25/07/2015 21:52

You can live with an abuser who is nice and great most of the time. Particularly when things are good. We get a measure of them when things are difficult.
Do you find yourself not arguing for a quiet life?
Do you find yourself excusing his behaviour? Blaming yourself for his moods?

In all likelihood you will let this pass somehow. But, if you do, make sure you have a leaving plan and very strict boundaries in place. What will you do if when something similar happens again?

Could you insist that he apologises to you and the children and acknowledges that what he did was very wrong and he will never do anything like that again?

But, it still remains how he talks to you and how he handles frustration and disagreements.

And why he was in a mood in the first place...