husband threw a set of car keys in my face...

[instructionsforaheatwave]

...says it all really. In front of our three small kids. Have a mark on my upper lip now...not sure what to do.

Background: our marriage is strong, and good (I thought). We have a very good life - a lovely bunch of close supportive friends, no real money worries compared to most; 3 happy, healthy kids. I feel blessed every day tbh. We are unlucky with our immediate families (mine are dead, his are very very difficult and we are essentially NC with them: this is obviously very difficult for DH).

We have similar interests, laugh a lot and have a good sex life. He does flare up in (our ultimately rare) rows and has a tendency to slam doors or storm off but I've never had something thrown at me before. He also says vile things when angry: any conflict and he becomes a monster: says stuff like 'I don't give a shit what you think', and tells me to shut up.

Today it came out of nowhere - he went to run an errand and seemed in a bad mood when he came back. Snapping at me and the kids...I kept asking him what the matter was just to be brushed off. We had to go off to a friend's birthday picnic - parked in the wrong place and were struggling to find them. He got into a rage and that's when he threw the keys at me and stormed off. The kids were horrified - as was I - but I kind of held it together for their sake. Also held it together for the rest of the afternoon as it was a close friend's big birthday and no way I could miss it.

Home now, and I've essentially told him it was utterly unacceptable and asked what the hell the problem is. His response: you're being a drama queen. shut up.
He storms off and just now said 'I'm sorry, I don't want to fight', and I said 'it's not really a fight is it? It's you throwing something at me..'

So shaken. Don't know what to do.

[BrowersBlues]

You didn't escalate anything and you need to get this into your head. You are not responsible for what happened. He is. Keep telling yourself this. Get advice from Women's Aid because you are in a serious state of denial.

It is clear to anyone on this thread that you are protecting him and putting yourself last. Stop doing it. I am saying this to you because I have been in your shoes. Please stop treating yourself so badly. You are worth so much more. You need to be brave. Screw lunch tomorrow. Stand up for yourself.

[WorkingBling]

I am almost willing to accept that he didn't mean to get you. But I can't imagine a situation where dh hurts me by mistake and isn't absolutely mortified and apologetic. That's the but that rings huge alarms for me.

Dh has a temper. Before we got married it was escalating. I told him we wouldn't get married if he didn't seek help. He did and it made all the difference. He still has a temper but I no longer worry that he is going to do something horrible or dangerous in an irrational fury. Like, for example, throw keys at me that then hit me in the face...

[instructionsforaheatwave]

i know. don't want to bore people with specifics - he didn't draw his arm back and throw them hard at me, it was more a toss...but still in the direction of my face! i really can't say this is something I would consider reporting to the police but it's certainly making me think very hard about our marriage...

[Blistory]

Do you think he acts like that at work ? Or with his friends ? Because if he can control it with them, then he has serious issues because he is choosing to take it out on you. And in front of his children.

[cozietoesie]

Instructions

What exactly would you have done/do if he had thrown the keys at the face of one of the children?

[instructionsforaheatwave]

WorkingBling - where and how did you get help?

Blistory - I've pointed that out to him in the past over his grumpiness and temper - that there's no way he behaves this way to friends and colleagues...

[instructionsforaheatwave]

Cozie - if he'd done this to one of our kids I would be filing for divorce.

[BrowersBlues]

What will you say when someone asks what happened to your lip? Will you make up some lie to protect him. Don't do this to yourself or your children. When you said earlier that you eldest clung on to you and kept checking to see if you were ok it sent shivers down my spine. Your DC know what he is like already.

He threw those keys at you in a temper and hurt you and then told you you were being a drama queen and he didn't give a shit.

My teenage son hit me and although I didn't want to I called the police. They came and told him categorically that it was an assault. He wasn't charged but the message got through to him that it was not ok to assault anyone and he hasn't done it since.

People posting on here only want to support you and most posters have probably been where you are. This won't get better by doing nothing. You sound like a lovely person and you should not be treated like this.

[MyRightFoot]

he threw them at your face, he knew what he was doing. if you want to work things out, call off tomorrow, sleep in the spare room, make him suffer so that he gets his nose out of the air and gets help. the two of you have an enviable life, what has this twunt got to be so angry about.

[Blistory]

So he can control himself but chooses not to.

It's just so massively disrespectful to you and the children.

[princesspink7404]

It doesn't matter how many times you asked him what was wrong, throwing the keys at you was NOT justified.

He may not apologise because he feels embarrassed - however seeing his DW with a cut lip should send him running to you tail between legs begging forgiveness. If he is not adult enough to apologise, and to your DC too, then perhaps he needs counselling. I do hope the DC are okay now. They are your priority, as well as looking after yourself.

I'm assuming now it has all calmed that you have asked him if he wants to talk about something? Not an excuse I know but perhaps he has work or something else on his mind? Losing his temper is not the way to go admittedly but we can all be guilty of lashing out at times.

Please just be careful. One violent episode - could be a one off, but then again, it might not. By blaming yourself you could be setting yourself up to be hurt again and you certainly don't want that. If he thinks he can get away with it once, he may do again. Not saying he will but you know what I mean I hope.

[goddessofsmallthings]

breaks my heart how the kids reacted. I think the younger two were almost a bit oblivious (thanks to me trying to cover it up), but my eldest kept gripping onto me and asking if i was ok, and then constantly glancing up at me as we walked

Think about your eldest and think about what you're doing by continuing to minimise your h's behaviour and finding reasons why you can't ram home to him that it has to stop. Carry on and you'll end up justifying his behaviour as so many other abused women do.

You've been living in a bubble, honey, and it's time to burst it and smell the coffee of your rancid marriage.

[instructionsforaheatwave]

gah i know this isn't really the issue here but friends for lunch are some we haven't seen for ages, booked in months ago. even if we cancelled due to illness then what? or if I say 'fuck this, I'm off for the day', I'd slightly worry it would disrupt the kids and I'd be off having a miserable day alone somewhere! really, what should i do?

[WorkingBling]

Dh had therapy - cbt I think. He found the therapist through a corporate support service he had at work. So there's no doubt that we were lucky. But you imply that money etc is fine so if your dh was willing, private options are available.

Incidentally, dh' family, while
Lovely, have huge issues. A lot of his therapy was spent talking about them.

[MamaMotherMummy]

I would stop talking to him, cancel lunch, and ignore until he comes to apologize. You've certainly done enough trying to initiate conversation and connection and now it's his turn.

To be honest, this may be wrong/childish, but I would be tempted to find him somewhere away from the children and throw keys in his face. That way he knows exactly what it feels like. I would then call him a drama queen if he complained.

[Lweji]

he threw the keys, but in a kind of 'I can't be bothered with all this' type way, rather than a 'i want to injure you' sort of way.

That could make sense if you were arguing about who'd drive and he tossed the keys at you to give them to you.

But he had no reason to throw you the keys other than as for aggression.

[MyRightFoot]

mama I tried fighting violence with violence and it doesnt work, made it worse because i lost the moral high ground. theres no room for violence in marriage ever.

[instructionsforaheatwave]

my lip isn't cut. it's nothing anyone could see...believe me, this is not me excusing anything AT all but I want to be clear about the facts.

princess pink - we got home and after bedtime I said 'do you want to tell me what the hell is going on with you?' and he said 'nothing, i just want to have a quiet evening and sorry we had a fight'....but still no explanation as to why he got in such a rage.

Browerblues - thank you. Made me want to cry! I think I am quite lovely ;)
Seriously though, you say you've been in my shoes - what happened?

Also to the poster who said wtf has he got to be angry about? I agree. We're very lucky people in so many ways (and I say this as someone who experienced a hell of a lot of family shit and bereavement etc)

[WorkingBling]

Sometimes you need them to work out they are being idiots. Dh once got a telling off from one of his friends for behaving like an ass when we were all out together. We had been dating for a while and he was being silly and unfair. His friend took him aside and had a real go at him. I knew nothing about it at the time but did notice he was different afterwards.

[Lweji]

Your children have also heard your arguments before, haven't they?

They have watched how he reacts to you.

Why don't you tell him to cancel the lunch?

You can see them at other times. Your family is more important.

[Lweji]

And you need to keep pointing out to him that there was no fight. It was all him.

He is not redeeming himself in any way, is he?

[WorkingBling]

Also, my personal pet hate is "sorry we fought". That's not taking any responsibility b

[instructionsforaheatwave]

Yes, Lwej - not frequently, but yes. Sure we can cancel the lunch but then what?

[Lweji]

It is for you to decide.

What do you want to happen?

What do you think should happen?

Ideally?

[Blistory]

Cancel lunch. Take some time to think about what you want and how you want to deal with this.

If he can't accept that there are consequences for hurting his wife and scaring his children, he'll have to process that himself. He doesn't get to pretend through a lovely lunch that all is right in his world. It isn't and you shouldn't reinforce any idea he has that this isn't a big deal.

You cannot walk on eggshells for the rest of your life. I do this with my stepfather who, on the face of it, is a lovely man. He gets his own way so often that he doesn't realise that it's because we're appeasing him to prevent a meltdown. When all is going his way life is wonderful but the undercurrent of shouting and throwing things has led to a culture of fear. Now his grandchildren are learning not to wind up Pappy. If he can't or won't change, you will either have my family life or you will learn to make a better life without him.