husband threw a set of car keys in my face...

[instructionsforaheatwave]

...says it all really. In front of our three small kids. Have a mark on my upper lip now...not sure what to do.

Background: our marriage is strong, and good (I thought). We have a very good life - a lovely bunch of close supportive friends, no real money worries compared to most; 3 happy, healthy kids. I feel blessed every day tbh. We are unlucky with our immediate families (mine are dead, his are very very difficult and we are essentially NC with them: this is obviously very difficult for DH).

We have similar interests, laugh a lot and have a good sex life. He does flare up in (our ultimately rare) rows and has a tendency to slam doors or storm off but I've never had something thrown at me before. He also says vile things when angry: any conflict and he becomes a monster: says stuff like 'I don't give a shit what you think', and tells me to shut up.

Today it came out of nowhere - he went to run an errand and seemed in a bad mood when he came back. Snapping at me and the kids...I kept asking him what the matter was just to be brushed off. We had to go off to a friend's birthday picnic - parked in the wrong place and were struggling to find them. He got into a rage and that's when he threw the keys at me and stormed off. The kids were horrified - as was I - but I kind of held it together for their sake. Also held it together for the rest of the afternoon as it was a close friend's big birthday and no way I could miss it.

Home now, and I've essentially told him it was utterly unacceptable and asked what the hell the problem is. His response: you're being a drama queen. shut up.
He storms off and just now said 'I'm sorry, I don't want to fight', and I said 'it's not really a fight is it? It's you throwing something at me..'

So shaken. Don't know what to do.

Utterly pointless to ask for a post to be removed for being offensive then go on to repeat some or all of the deleted post.

OP - I am concerned your oldest haven affected already by her father so much that she is anxiously looking after you. Do the right thing for your kids if you can't for you. All the best.

Icecream nobody has repeated the offensive part :)

I read a comment alluding to it

Sorry your husband did this to you Whatever action you decide to take, he needs to be left in no doubt that this behaviour is totally unacceptable to you.

Perhaps some of his (nightmare) family traits are coming out. So when he says he doesn't need help, remind him that he did this in front of his precious children and ask if he thinks it's ok they see him behave like this. Is that what he wants for them? Would he be ok if your DCs grew up and their spouse did this to one of them? Ask him if another person did this to you and you were upset, would he say you were being a drama queen. Or would he be angry with that person in your behalf. Perhaps ask him if this behaviour is normal to him, did he see stuff like this growing up. I wouldn't let this go until he has understood. I'd also get my bedroom back - he can sleep in spare room. Tell him if you hear one more 'drama queen' type comment which tries to blame you for his lack of control, you'll be considering his position as your DH.

I think you should not focus on what he needs to do or what is wrong with him at all. You should be focusing on what YOU need to do and what is wrong with you (sorry not meant in an offensive way).
The reason you should have cancelled the lunch today is so that you can begin taking yourself and an assault on yourself seriously. If someone assaulted me yesterday there is no way I would be hosting a lunch with them today. Not to teach them a lesson but because I take value myself, my dignity and my feelings and I don't walk all over myself. Please don't treat yourself as unimportant or others will follow your lead. Don't let your kids see you getting treated like shot and then smiling and passing the food around and pouring your husband some wine. It's very confusing for them. Much clearer to yourself and others to not be fake and squash your very reasonable anger. You are the person establishes in your house how you will be treated. You sound articulate and strong so really why set it so low? I don't get it. Why were you in the spare room? Why wasn't he? You seem to have absorbed a second in importance/subjugated position in your home. Why? Do you feel he is more important than you or your children? Do you feel his moods are more important than yours or your children's? That's certainly how you are behaving. Why? Are you sacred of him? Do you feel financially dependent? Do you feel socially locked in to the happy family myth? You don't have to answer these questions of course but you might ponder them. By moving in to spare room for a night, by co-hosting a civilised Sunday lunch, you are upholding a family dynamic of "let's all be nice and quiet so daddy doesn't get in one of his tempers and throw something at us". Ask yourself why. You may not consider yourself to be downtrodden and frightened but from where I am standing you certainly look it. Any good support outside your immediate family? Anyone who wouldn't be 'shocked' to hear you have marital problems? Sometimes the image of happy family can be a prison which stops you being honest with others and accessing support. Best of luck OP

Going ahead with lunch and normal life miminalises but also gives you time to think. Be careful. Tell anyone who asks - although of course they will be horrified and uncomfortable, just as you would be, if the situations were reversed.

He knows he was wrong but for some reason can't just say so without trying to stick it on you. And he should be in the spare room - not you. I guess there was no way he would without a fight I suppose. So again you backed off. He has the marital bed and you will be the one feeling awkward going back, if you do.

He doesn't think what he did was that bad, so he has a bar for bad. What is that? Blinding you with the keys? Throttling you in a rage? Are you planning to find out what his bar is? Yours seems dangerously high, IMO.

If things have been difficult for a long time, it's time maybe for you both to seek help separately. If he thinks it's all fine, and a moment of madness, well, what about next time? And clearly if things were fine he wouldn't be throwing things at your head. Did he show remorse and horror at the time or storm off? Are your teeth alright, under your lip? Does he ask?

Men like these can be very agreeable. Possibly more in general than most people, because otherwise nobody would put up with the times he is an absolute shit.

People may be in shock if you split up, but so what? You are in shock at his behaviour. And rightly so. So should other people.

He has had no problems in hurting you in front of the children.

If you are having the guests around, tell them what happen and see their reaction.
But you won't, because it will make them see him in a bad light. And so another abuser thrives on secrecy.

Think very carefully, because a life alone is nowhere near scarier than a life with an abuser.
And he is giving all the signs of being one. Not someone who made a mistake.

He is responsible for how he reacts and there's no excusing that. For future reference though, instead of this:-

I HAD been saying over the hour or so leading up to it - 'um, why are you in such a bad mood?,' and 'you're being really grumpy with everyone'

It would be better to say, "I can see you're upset, do you want to talk about it now or take some time out and we can talk it through later as you're being snappy with me and the kids."

Telling someone they are in a bad mood and being grumpy when they are upset isn't going to help matters but even so that's I excuse for how he is with you and he needs to know that.

In future tell him to fuck off with his bad temper.

How have things been today OP?

if you stay, you need to prepare yourself to be hit by him at some point in the future.
he's gearing up to hit you. no doubt about it.
and then after that, maybe a serious hiding.

there's something radically wrong with him.
have you considered the example he's setting your kids?
you're showing your kids that you're ok with violence in the home.
i would kick him out. and file for divorce.
it's going to end badly anyway. at least save yourself the torture and get out now.
contact Women's Aid. they will help you formulate an escape plan.

'I've had more apologies today but with a 'but you were winding me up..' excuse in there.'

So you are left walking on eggshells, hoping you can avoid 'winding him up' in future.
This 'apology' is not just an attempt to blame you.
What this sort of apology really is is a warning.
What he is saying is 'Don't wind me up or I will explode again'. He has put you on notice that this is going to continue.

OP Maths' post of yesterday explained your situation perfectly. I have been out of a violent relationship for over 18 years and never had it explained so well. I will copy it below. What struck me the most was Maths' reference to the elusive formula to try and make your spouse happy. Thanks Math for explaining that to me 18 years after the fact.

Math's post
It's a confusing situation to find yourself in. On the one hand this man told you he loved you, wanted to marry you, wanted to have children, grow old together, and on the other hand he seems to be angry a lot. You remember the 'I love you' bits, and you cherish the good times, and the rest of it seems so inexplicable, because it doesn't fit the picture you have and it contradicts the promises that were made. At first you just block it out and in your head you keep on moving forward in the direction you think both of you are going in, together.

It all becomes more and more undeniable though. You know it happens out of the blue and the rational voice inside tells you 'but we weren't fighting, you just got mad and exploded' but at the same time you are vulnerable to the verbal assault -- 'sorry we had a fight' and doubt your own rationality and blame yourself; certainly many abusers are quick to insinuate or state outright that 'someone else' is to blame.

And you also think it has to be you who can make this right since you love him and he said he loves you -- and there once were happy and seemingly uncomplicated times. When you feel you can make things right you are trying to tell yourself that you can control the situation. It is a comforting thought, that you can have a good effect, save the life you have created for yourself, keep on moving forward with Plan A. There are even times when things seem to go right, and this keeps you vulnerable to toxic optimism and confidence even though there are also episodes of rage that you are less and less able to see as aberrations. You think 'If we were able to have such a good time last Sunday, why not always?' and you try really hard to find the elusive formula that made Sunday special, to find and flip that magic switch this Saturday.

'He's also tried to hug me and say 'I don't want to fight,' to which I said 'it was not a fight. It was you losing your temper.' he's said he's sorry for losing his temper and he was in the wrong...but still says 'oh,
BUT you kept going on at me.''

The hug is for himself, to make himself feel better, reassured that you have got over this and an ace husband and father.

Well done for keeping on reiterating that this was not a fight. Do not give in on this and do not accept excuses. He is still convinced that he has a right to throw keys at you, and all the other gestures he makes when angry that you described upthread. He is not sorry. He is sorry for himself, a bottomless pit of need for reassurance, and he is seeking to make sure his bad behaviour will never be addressed.

Figuring out what it was in his childhood that makes him do this is handing him an excuse on a plate. He can explore this with a therapist when he decides to go and sort himself out. And please remember he is not interested at all in fixing what he is doing to you, or to his own children. He is not a problem you should be thinking of fixing. You have a problem of your own to work on -- where to go from here.

and 'reassured that he is' an ace husband and father.

Similar to my husband and my situation in SO many respects.

I am not the least bit surprised your DH has problems with his family.

If anything like my DH, he never learned that having tantrums is an unacceptable response to situations. So he still has them.

We are trying relationship counselling. It's the last straw though. I'm giving it six months and if there are still tantrums at the end of that period, I will leave him. I would like to be married to a man, not a man child.

OP, I'm going to get blasted for this opinion...but here go's...

Iv just thrown a spoon at my OH head. He put a cup of tea down on the fireplace. Our new fireplace. It left a ringmark. I went mad saying 'Look what you've done you thick bastad, how can you be so thick with only one head! Etc... He then responded 'Yh yh whatever, its just a fireplace' Basically he showed no remorse to the fact that he had marked our brand new fireplace which cost is three hundred quid. I go so annoyed that I threw my spoon at his bleeding head. His response to this was to throw his yoghurt pot at my head and call my a 'Fuckin dick'

I then picked up his yogurt pot and ate the remaining yoghurt using his spoon. 'Ha!' I said, and we both burst out laughing whilst he rubbed his head.

I told him his response was mean that he's marked our fireplace and he agreed and said sorry but there is no need to attack me with a spoon. I told him he was lucky it wasn't the remote

Were best of friends now and have forgotten about it and will go to bed and have a cuddle after.

I shouldn't have used the spoon but he really pissed me off and if he does it again I'll do more then use the spoon. I'll actually shuv it up his arse. I mean it.

Your DH shouldn't have done it in front of the kids, but we all get frustrated and sometimes over nothing. Sometimes my OH can be a right moody git and be damb right mean. If he threw keys at me I'd just throw them back. Hthere.. If he did it in front of the kids I'd be anoyed and he would be in the dog house.

If he does this again, start to become worried, but like I said, we all get there.

OK..ready to be slagged off by every one now...

Everyone just gets on their high horse on mumsnet.

Jo. .. what you decide sounds utterly shite to me.

The fact that it all ends in a bit of giggle and a cuddle somehow makes it even worse. Like the two of you just accept happily that sometimes you treat one another and speak to one another like utter shit.

I guess in a large part it is based on what you grew up with and your expectations. My parents treated one another with respect. They argued but NEVER would have behaved as you and your husband did to one another. Consequently, I know that better is possible. And that is what I strive for and the example that I want to show my children.

The fact that you think those who think this kind of behaviour is poor are getting "on their high horse" makes me wonder what kind of message you are sending your own children.

So Jo, if your daughter came to you and said that her husband had lobbed a pair of keys in her face and marked her face, you'd tell her. ... what exactly?

jo40 you probably have given the worst advice on this thread.

My parents were alot older and never treated each other with nothing other then respect.

Me and my OH can't be doing bad as we met when we were fifteen, have hand a handful of nights away from each other, been very stable and secure in our relationship . We are now 25 have just bought a lovely home. Our two sons are very very confident friendly children who adore their parents. Me and my OH are the best of friends and don't take things to seriously. We are sending no messages to our DS apart from were a team in this house and if you do see mummy or daddy falling out then they love each other that much that they don't really mean it, there just annoyed. (They wouldn't see any violence anyway, that's why I said that he was out of order for doing it in front of kids, but when you see red. Hes only human just because he's a dad. Beam me up!)

He threw some keys at the OP. YEAH its upsetting, yeah its a weapon. Bloodyhell, fall out with him for the night and if he does it again THEN its getting serious. No need to devorce him yet.

Bloody hell jo. ... your standards are low. Really low. But if that is the only relationship you have ever been in, then I guess that explains it to some extent.

If my daughter told me that is be worried and I'd want to know in the future if he had done it again. I'd speak to him myself and give him a sharp warning.

All I'm saying is this is a first offence.

My standards may be low. However me and my OH are very familair with each other. We know each other inside out. Maybe that's the difference with how I would handle this and how the OP handles this.