husband threw a set of car keys in my face...

[instructionsforaheatwave]

...says it all really. In front of our three small kids. Have a mark on my upper lip now...not sure what to do.

Background: our marriage is strong, and good (I thought). We have a very good life - a lovely bunch of close supportive friends, no real money worries compared to most; 3 happy, healthy kids. I feel blessed every day tbh. We are unlucky with our immediate families (mine are dead, his are very very difficult and we are essentially NC with them: this is obviously very difficult for DH).

We have similar interests, laugh a lot and have a good sex life. He does flare up in (our ultimately rare) rows and has a tendency to slam doors or storm off but I've never had something thrown at me before. He also says vile things when angry: any conflict and he becomes a monster: says stuff like 'I don't give a shit what you think', and tells me to shut up.

Today it came out of nowhere - he went to run an errand and seemed in a bad mood when he came back. Snapping at me and the kids...I kept asking him what the matter was just to be brushed off. We had to go off to a friend's birthday picnic - parked in the wrong place and were struggling to find them. He got into a rage and that's when he threw the keys at me and stormed off. The kids were horrified - as was I - but I kind of held it together for their sake. Also held it together for the rest of the afternoon as it was a close friend's big birthday and no way I could miss it.

Home now, and I've essentially told him it was utterly unacceptable and asked what the hell the problem is. His response: you're being a drama queen. shut up.
He storms off and just now said 'I'm sorry, I don't want to fight', and I said 'it's not really a fight is it? It's you throwing something at me..'

So shaken. Don't know what to do.

[Fugghetaboutit]

If he's such a nice person and didn't mean to hit your face with them, why wasn't he sorry when you got back and he'd had time to think and reflect?
Instead he was still nasty? Horrible.

[Morganly]

But to actually aim at your face. With hard, heavy, sharp things. There was no way that wasn't going to hurt like hell and potentially cause serious and permanent damage. He has stepped way over the line here and he needs to recognise that and accept responsibility.

My advice is to leave it for the rest of this evening. Stay out of his way and don't let inadequate half-hearted apologies bring you round. Possibly sleep in a separate room. He needs to understand how serious this is.

Then tomorrow, or soon, you need a serious conversation. Make him understand that he has gone way too far and that he needs to do something about addressing his anger problems. Words are not enough, you need to see actions by which I mean GP, counselling or something.

If he refuses and persists in trying to make out you are over-reacting, this would be very worrying and I think you should think very carefully about how safe it is for you to stay with a potentially violent man.

[Lweji]

Ideally, he should remove himself from the house and get help for his own attitudes, away from you, so that you are safe.

Do you think he'd agree to this?

[instructionsforaheatwave]

Thanks mathanxiety - a lot of wisdom there. You are so right about it not being an argument or fight. I HAD been saying over the hour or so leading up to it - 'um, why are you in such a bad mood?,' and 'you're being really grumpy with everyone'...and I guess if I hadn't been constantly reacting to his shitty mood, this episode wouldn't have happened...

but then, ffs - I get in a bad mood and try not to take it out on everyone else! if he point it out with me I'd say sorry and rein it in. I wouldn't fly into a rage and then throw things!

[cozietoesie]

That's a thoughtful and realistic post,Morganly.

[BrowersBlues]

OP make no mistake he assaulted you. It doesn't matter whether keys are classified as a weapon or not the fact is that he threw them at you in anger and your lip is marked. Knowing what I know now I would telephone the police and report him. You might think that is an over reaction but trust me there should be no blurred lines when someone assaults you.

You didn't deserve it and your children were upset. Fuck him and his moods quite frankly. Send him a very sharp message that this is the first time and the last time. I am not saying leave him but ring the police so that he gets the message that he assaulted you. He thinks you are being a drama queen, let two uniformed police officers tell him otherwise.

[Tequilashotfor1]

Could you insist that he apologises to you and the children and acknowledges that what he did was very wrong and he will never do anything like that again?

This ^^ but I don't think he will. Asking him that would be my yard stick to whether he felt he did anything wrong. What would he do if one of the children threw keys in his face? I bet the would get a bollocking and made to apologise properly.

[instructionsforaheatwave]

Morganly - thanks. I'd like to sleep in the spare room but our youngest still creeps into us each night and would get upset if i wasn't there. I'd really like to prove to him that this isn't another 'fight' and a massive line has been crossed for me...to make matters worse we've got people coming for lunch tomorrow and I can't see how I can do anything other than play happy families for that...

[paulapompom]

OP please dont take the 'if I hadn't kept asking/wound him up/annoyed him' route. Hrs a grown adult. Other people are giving good advice here, better than I could give. But I can say please dont blame yourself

[Tequilashotfor1]

Shit op don't blame yourself!

You didn't cock his arm back and force him to throw them. He did that on his own accord

[cozietoesie]

Tequila

Equally, what would the OP have done if he had thrown a set of keys in anger into one of the children's faces?

[instructionsforaheatwave]

Also - I did say quietly in the car on the way home - 'if you can't see that you've got a problem with your temper then we really need some help.' and he said 'i don't need help.'

[HPsauciness]

I don't understand why he isn't sorry. If I threw something in a fit of temper, and I have, and it accidentally hit the person in the face injuring them, I would be mortified. I may be angry about the scenario, or in the middle of a row, but I genuinely would be sorry. He doesn't sound sorry at all.

I was once accidentally hit by a boyfriend who was grabbing something off me and hit my face. I was absolutely angry and disgusted. It didn't matter it was accidental, if he hadn't been charging around like a bull in a china shop, being aggressive and doing aggressive actions, it wouldn't have happened.

I wouldn't be happy until he was genuinely and incredibly sorry and understood that this was a defining moment in our relationship, the first and very last time he would ever physically hurt me like that. Even that might not be enough to make me feel ok.

[instructionsforaheatwave]

No, no - don't get me wrong. Not blaming myself...at all. But I was challenging him and essentially ticking him off for being such a grumpy bastard several times beforehand - totally bloody justified, but of course escalated matters....

[CatMilkMan]

I'm not a LTB poster but I think an ultimatum is the bare minimum, he needs to actively engage in what happened and his own behaviour. He needs to understand his behaviour is completely unacceptable and if he won't even start to do that then you may need to take action to make sure this doesn't get any worst.....

[goddessofsmallthings]

You may feel blessed but it's clear that your h doesn't, otherwise he'd be able to keep his temper in check when things aren't exactly to his liking.

It's also clear that when he says words such as "I don't give a shit what you think", he means it, because he believes he's superior to everyone else on the planet and this has been evidenced today by his kicking off in a public place where there may have been other dc as well as his own around to witness his violent tantrum.

As for your dc, they'll grow up to either replicate his behaviour in their adult relationships or become as accepting of violent outbursts by their partners as you appear to be,

By throwing the car keys at you he inflicted a visible physical injury to your face, but he has shown no remorse whatsoever. Would he have been sorry if one of the keys had hit you in the eye and caused blindness?

As his unacceptable behaviour will continue escalate, you're best advised to tell him to attend anger management courses and make it a dealbreaker before your dc start treading on eggshells in order appease the angry god that is their df,

Having a self centred twunt as a dh is a curse rather than a blessing, honey, and the sooner you realise this fact the better it will be for you and your dc.









'

[HermioneWeasley]

Agree you need this on record with the police and take a picture of the injury.

You can cancel lunch tomorrow pleading illness in the family

I'm so sorry for what you're going through.

[BrowersBlues]

Ring your guests and cancel lunch saying you have a vomiting bug. You did nothing wrong and why the hell should you pretend that everything is ok. Put yourself and your youngest to bed in the spare room tonight. By behaving like everything is normal you are sending a very clear message to him that you will cover for him and there are no consequences for his behaviour.

Please make yourself a higher priority because if you don't he certainly won't.

[DrElizabethPlimpton]

What would you do if a stranger did that to you? I imagine you would call the police.

So why do you think this is ok for your husband to do this?

[cozietoesie]

Blow playing Happy Families tomorrow lunchtime then. That would just reinforce his seeming belief that he can get away with this sort of behaviour with impunity.

I'd take the kids out for the day on a spontaneous visit to the nearest tourist attraction.

[moopymoodle]

He's violent. This isn't a case of him throwing something and accidently hitting you in the face. He deliberately threw the keys at you and now he's trying to minimise it saying he doesn't want to fight. If it was an accident he would have been mortified the moment he did it and apologies profusely. I would step away now, at least fill you can think things over as if you let it go so easily I've a strong feeling it will become a regular thing, well going by how dismissive he is over what he's done to you . He's assaulted you

[instructionsforaheatwave]

Also, to be clear - he threw the keys, but in a kind of 'I can't be bothered with all this' type way, rather than a 'i want to injure you' sort of way.

still vile and unacceptable, but a slight difference. he wasn't intending to injure me with the keys. but he could have done.

[HPsauciness]

Instructions but then why isn't he sorry? If you threw the keys at someone and it hit them enough to mark them, it must have been with force and at the person. If you did that, and the person cried out as they were hurt, what would you do? Would you say sorry? Would you check they were ok? Would you be very upset you had hurt them, even though you hadn't intended it?

Your husband is being defiant in the face of hurting you, he just doesn't get it and he has to, to prevent him starting to throw things at people when he's angry!

[cozietoesie]

He threw something at your face, instructions. Not on the ground or at your feet - at your face.

[goddessofsmallthings]

If you sleep in the spare room with the door open, your youngest will find you.

As for tomorrow's lunch, either cancel it or take yourself out for the day leaving him to cook/entertain the guests and make excuses for your absence.

If you don't make a stand over this incident, he'll continue to walk all over you and next time he may cause you a more serious injury.