husband threw a set of car keys in my face...

[instructionsforaheatwave]

...says it all really. In front of our three small kids. Have a mark on my upper lip now...not sure what to do.

Background: our marriage is strong, and good (I thought). We have a very good life - a lovely bunch of close supportive friends, no real money worries compared to most; 3 happy, healthy kids. I feel blessed every day tbh. We are unlucky with our immediate families (mine are dead, his are very very difficult and we are essentially NC with them: this is obviously very difficult for DH).

We have similar interests, laugh a lot and have a good sex life. He does flare up in (our ultimately rare) rows and has a tendency to slam doors or storm off but I've never had something thrown at me before. He also says vile things when angry: any conflict and he becomes a monster: says stuff like 'I don't give a shit what you think', and tells me to shut up.

Today it came out of nowhere - he went to run an errand and seemed in a bad mood when he came back. Snapping at me and the kids...I kept asking him what the matter was just to be brushed off. We had to go off to a friend's birthday picnic - parked in the wrong place and were struggling to find them. He got into a rage and that's when he threw the keys at me and stormed off. The kids were horrified - as was I - but I kind of held it together for their sake. Also held it together for the rest of the afternoon as it was a close friend's big birthday and no way I could miss it.

Home now, and I've essentially told him it was utterly unacceptable and asked what the hell the problem is. His response: you're being a drama queen. shut up.
He storms off and just now said 'I'm sorry, I don't want to fight', and I said 'it's not really a fight is it? It's you throwing something at me..'

So shaken. Don't know what to do.

[redshoeblueshoe]

x post

[redshoeblueshoe]

Jo - I think you are helping. You are helping yourself and your family by realising that the way you and your DP go about things is not good. You can go forward from here.
The big problem with abuse is my partner is usually a wonderful person and a great father - then followed by examples of really shitty behaviour.
(sorry OP I hope you're OK today)

[NameChange30]

Don't feel bad Jo, it's sounds like you've reflected on things and have taken back what you said before.
Would you and your partner consider counselling - separately and/or together? It might help you break the unhealthy patterns of behaviour that you seem to have learned from your parents.

[Jo4040]

I know, your all very right. Don't know how thumping each other started. If I take a think it was probably me that threw the very first punch when I was very young.

To say my OH father was so abussive to his wife, my partner has kearnt from that. I think he just retaliates to me alot. I think if I never expressed anything physical onto my OH again then I really don't think any other violence would take place. Ever.

I have had a wake up cakm from thia thread and I was being extreamly cocky and filppent about it last night.

My dad is such a kind and gentle man. Shy, do anything for anyone. But he's a secret drinker and I think this has something to do with how my mum treated him.
I'm not going to turn my OH into to the man she has turned my dad into and I'm definitely not going to damage my kids like iv been damaged. I don't know how my partner isnt like his dad tho. He can be nasty at t UK me but like I said I just laugh this off or thump him.

I feel bad for coming in on this thread like this when last night I thought I was helping

[differentnameforthis]

Jo, you both use 'violence' as a way to communicate, and it isn't hard to see why. In a way, you are quite suited because you both seem to understand what it means for you...it's mutual thing & it has become acceptable. Which I actually find very sad.

I am sad when I think of the process it took within your relationship to get to the point where you both accepted this as part of your life. Someone must have struck out first, so is the other's retaliation just a way of accepting it, and "if you can't beat them, join them?"

Your son will see it, and how would you feel if he struck his partner because you & your oh normalised violence? How would you feel if your son threw something at you because you 'pissed him off' Also, what if this were one sided? And only one of you were throwing/hitting?

I am glad you had a think about it, I deleted the original post I had been writing when I saw your update, because it really did seem like a light bulb moment for you, and didn't think you deserved anything other than support.

You are young, and have known each other for a long time. I met dh at 15 & we are coming up to 22yrs married, and believe me, you can have fun without hurting each other.

[43percentburnt]

Op if your dh came home from work with a mark on his lip, you asked him what happened and he said he had a disagreement with his boss who then threw his keys at him, what would you say? Maybe the boss was having a bad day and had got lost whilst out driving - more acceptable?

Is that assault?

[Ouchbloodyouch]

I hope this thread has given you food for thought Jo

[Tequilashotfor1]

jo you can absolutly turn things around you know, probably best so your kids don't think its normal. How would you feel if one of your kids where kicked so hard up the arse?

The telling your dc that their dad is great after you have faught is really setting them up to accept physical abuse as normal.

My mother was like your too

[Dowser]

Interesting insights Jo. I'm glad you found this thread useful.

[Jo4040]

OK. This is the last you will hear from me.

OP, I'm sorry. I didn't read your post fully and didn't realise that you live on egg shells. That's totally different from how I live. I'm not a onebit nervous about my partners reaction, even if he becomes aggressive. It really cant be nice for you to be living on your nerves like that.

As for someone saying its what we grew up watching. Your bang on. Iv thought about it. When I was younger my mum did occasionally used to lash out at my dad. Examples. Clock him round the ear, throw water in him wbikst he had gout in bed, throw birthday presents at him if he had spent to much in what she thought was tat. She uses to chase me around the house if I left my Barbie's out and back me into corners. I don't remember what happened in them corners apart from one day realising I was taller then her and pushing her back. I used to cry in a Saturday morning when my dad went to work because I was so scared if the Saturday morning cleaning the house rictual. Iv thought of these examples all night. Iv only never realised because on the other hand, she was loving, cuddled me. Used to do this thing where she would lie me across her and okay mousy on my back and make me laugh. Oh yh, she once dragged me out of the shower naked, threw me into the spare room and left me there dripping. Can't remember how long for because next thing I woke up on the Sofa being fed fish fingers and chips.

On to OH. Yea his dad is a wife beater. He put his mum in Hospital when my OH was small. He nearly killed her
She literally lives on her nerves with him now. The things my OH has told me that has happened makes me feel sick. He is nasty, bossy to her and she serves him to this day like she is his slave. On holiday he blasted her because she didn't cut his sandwich in half.

I don't know how in mumsnet people have the knak of hitting the nail on the head. I said a couple of things about my relationship and people instantly saw through it.

My DS has never seen any violence from me and my OH, but I get now what people are saying about it being odd. To me its not odd, I suppose it's tame to what me and my OH witnessed growing up. Maybe it's also abit if immaturity still because we met so young as kids.

I'm sorry for hijacking your thred OP. I Just wanted and needed to explain myself. People on here have given you good advice and take no notice of me. I really did just think I was giving a different perspective. When I lash out I don't think anything if it and it doesn't mean I love my other half any less and I feel that way viseversa with him.

Sorry again OP, I hope your OK

[Threefishys]

Lt utter b. Next.

[Ouchbloodyouch]

The thing is jo is the behaviour and repartee between you and your husband is acceptable to you if you think its ok then so be it.
I am being kind here.. I can sort of understand why you tried to offer a different perspective... but its a completely different situation. OP has been walking on eggshells, physically lashed out at and the DH refuses to acknowledge anything was wrong. Its an awful way to live and in no way comparable to your mutual throwing of kitchen implements. Which I do find rather odd...

[mathanxiety]

Not even first offence though really.

Slamming doors and shouting that he doesn't give a shit how she feels has the effect of intimidating and shutting up. There was a first time he did that too.

[Lweji]

All I'm saying is this is a first offence.

Well, quite. FIRST...

Not one off.

[AlwaysOutnumberedNevrOutgunned]

[red flag] emoticon

[Dowser]

I too was married to the angry , aggressive bully for 30 years

Believe me OP it does not get better.

Mine was never contrite when he hurt me. Usually by his actions. Definitely a man child and his tantrums were something nightmares were made of.

Today your husband should have been on that Internet looking for where he could get help with his angry outbursts and violent tendencies. Saying he would take time out in the spare room while he thought about his behaviour. He hasn't and isn't. He's crossed a line and it was only a matter of time till he got there.

I don't think it's dawned on him exactly what he's done and how he's physically and verbally hurt you. I call it wiping their anger all over you.

When mine got himself into a practically foaming at the mouth rage, Id take myself into another room or a drive in the car. I would tell him that I'd heard enough and if he couldn't control himself then I was off.

He too learnt to go for a walk till he calmed down

I think you cancelled your lunch. Good. It sends a message to him that you will not minimise his behaviour and pretend everything is fine and dandy .

That should start to send shock waves to him. As a pp suggested ramp up your own behaviour and by focusing on yourself and what you are going to do that hopefully will hit him like a ton of bricks.

Even suggest saying to him that you are taking legal advice. He crossed a line and you are not going to put up with another episode of him wiping his anger on you ( the moody man before the incident). You thought you had married an adult not a three year old.

Hopefully your marriage will have a better outcome.

[BrowersBlues]

Jo I get it when you say 'If my OH expressed verbal venom towards me often, I would get fed up and have to reassess the relationship,' This is what the OP has to put up with.

[NameChange30]

This isn't about you Jo4040. Take your weird stories and misguided advice somewhere else.

[paulapompom]

Have you finished your bit of shit stirring then jo?

[Jo4040]

Not childish. Funny. It would make him laugh. It works for us...

I'll leave you all to it now to shit stir in OPs relationship.

[Jo4040]

Were not bucket mouths at all. We don't SHOUT at each other. Actually, on our street were are probably know as the posh ones. Good jobs, beautiful house, we don't drink and have people round alot, I often go for a run, partner takes DH on back of his bike, niceish car. DS very chatty and friendly with naibours and they all treat him hes knky child on the street. Like I said, me and OH are very familair with each other and know our boundaries.

Iv asked him what he thought when I threw the spoon at him and he said he wanted to kill me. So I threw the cushion at him and we have just had a cushion fight.

[SeasideSunshine]

If he was there whilst OH did something to get in my nerves I'd give OH the death stare and put aalt in his tea after

Unfortunately, that's not really helpful for those that are interested in a mature normal relationship. Salt in tea? Childish.

[mindfulandgrateful]

I think jo's experience really is by the by - because at the end of the day it's how OP feels about it that matters.

And OP is upset.

I would be too if my DH had thrown keys at me in front of the children.

I had terrible PND and threw all sorts of things at DH in that time - but I am genuinely so very ashamed of myself. I really was dreadfully unwell but I'm so remorseful and lucky that he is still here.

[Jo4040]

Ahhh

If my OH expressed verbal venom towards me often, I would get fed up and have to reassess the relationship. However I take stuff with a pinch of salt. My OH kicked me up the arse the other week. It really bloody hurt so I tripped him up when he went last me. I can't remember what it was over bcz we both took it as 'ya nobed' do that again and I'll burn your tea.

My kids won't grow up thinking anything, because I always tell my DS that 'Daddy is amazing, what would we do without him, he really smells, but arnt we safe when he's around' etc

When I put him to bed I always tell him how much he is loved and how much I live daddy. Daddy is Beautiful, I lobed it when daddy read you that story before.

DS would never see us giving the other a quick crack. If he was there whilst OH did something to get in my nerves I'd give OH the death stare and put aalt in his tea after .

[mathanxiety]

Are you my neighbour Jo? I often wonder what all the effing and blinding is about next door. Nice to know it's just normal life as far as they're (you're?) concerned.

Actually what you did by way of response to the ring on the fireplace was abusive. He didn't deserve to be called names or to have a spoon thrown at him. None of what you did was ok. Throwing a spoon at someone's head and trying to make the excuse that he had been mean to you, when you yourself had called him a 'thick bastard' after he put his cup down is aggressive and dismissive of the reaction he had.

Hoping your children will understand your intentions and what you consider to be a positive overall context is delusional thinking. If they behave like that with a partner there can be consequences and it won't matter what their intentions were. What will matter is how their partner experienced the throwing of things and the name calling.

How would you have responded if your H for some reason wasn't inclined to see it all as funny or foreplay or whatever way he saw it? What if he had had something heavier and more solid than a yogurt pot in his hand and had thrown that at you?