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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

husband threw a set of car keys in my face...

202 replies

instructionsforaheatwave · 25/07/2015 21:22

...says it all really. In front of our three small kids. Have a mark on my upper lip now...not sure what to do.

Background: our marriage is strong, and good (I thought). We have a very good life - a lovely bunch of close supportive friends, no real money worries compared to most; 3 happy, healthy kids. I feel blessed every day tbh. We are unlucky with our immediate families (mine are dead, his are very very difficult and we are essentially NC with them: this is obviously very difficult for DH).

We have similar interests, laugh a lot and have a good sex life. He does flare up in (our ultimately rare) rows and has a tendency to slam doors or storm off but I've never had something thrown at me before. He also says vile things when angry: any conflict and he becomes a monster: says stuff like 'I don't give a shit what you think', and tells me to shut up.

Today it came out of nowhere - he went to run an errand and seemed in a bad mood when he came back. Snapping at me and the kids...I kept asking him what the matter was just to be brushed off. We had to go off to a friend's birthday picnic - parked in the wrong place and were struggling to find them. He got into a rage and that's when he threw the keys at me and stormed off. The kids were horrified - as was I - but I kind of held it together for their sake. Also held it together for the rest of the afternoon as it was a close friend's big birthday and no way I could miss it.

Home now, and I've essentially told him it was utterly unacceptable and asked what the hell the problem is. His response: you're being a drama queen. shut up.
He storms off and just now said 'I'm sorry, I don't want to fight', and I said 'it's not really a fight is it? It's you throwing something at me..'

So shaken. Don't know what to do.

OP posts:
Lweji · 26/07/2015 10:31

No, not great at all.

You know it will only get worse. :(

Really sorry you are going through this, as I've been there and it's bloody hard to take those first steps.
But I hope you find it in yourself to stop it now. For you and your children.
Your lives can only be better when you don't have to worry if you are going to be talked down to or thrown things at, or worse...

NoahVale · 26/07/2015 10:36

too much Projection from other posters here as per usual

too much I've been here

OP this is your marriage, look after yourself

midnightvelvetPart2 · 26/07/2015 10:38

Hope you're OK this morning instructions how did he react earlier when he saw you?

I know the stress of pretending everything is fine when it isn't & agree that if you do that then you send him a message loud & clear that he can do this shit to you & you won't kick up a fuss, so it doesn't matter. If there are no repercussions for him & you continue with lunch as normal & hiding his behaviour, then every time it happens it will become more normalised & entrenched. He will expect to be able to take out his temper on you whenever he likes once it becomes the norm.

midnightvelvetPart2 · 26/07/2015 10:39

x posted with everyone else :)

YouBastardSockBalls · 26/07/2015 10:41

OP, you know your DH. You say he's not a bastard.
Please don't get caught up with the LEAVE HIM NOW brigade.

That is all.

Lweji · 26/07/2015 10:43

Have you dealt with a violent abuser, Noah?
Have you been in a position of being attacked physically with no warning and no reason?
Or have you done it to someone else?
There is no excuse for violence, and, sadly there are very rarely one times, just first times.

Are you one who will ask battered women why they didn't leave earlier and why they put up with it?

This is the time to stop the abuse. Before it gets worse.
Yes, op, it's your marriage, your life and your children. How do you want those to be?

HuckleberryMishMash · 26/07/2015 10:49

I'm with YouBastard on this one. People just love the opportunity to tell another Mumsnetter to leave their DH!

He definitely needs to get a grip and have a proper conversation with you about the incident and about whatever is going on to make him so uptight that he'd lose his temper like that. He needs to understand that it is completely unacceptable to do such a thing and that his behaviour was a shock for you and the children and then he needs to never do it again. If he can't do all this then, yes, there's a big problem. But if it was an absolute one-off and actually he's ashamed of the way he behaved (which will come out when he stops being defensive about it) then there's something to work with.

frankbough · 26/07/2015 10:52

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Isetan · 26/07/2015 10:53

The reason for cancelling the lunch is so that you aren't forced to pretend, you wouldn't cancel for nothing and this sure as hell ain't nothing. It demonstrates to him that this isn't off the agenda, temporarily or otherwise.

'What the fuck do you do?' Well I can tell what you don't do; you don't pretend, minimise or make excuses and as much as he obviously wants to, he doesn't get to blame, minimise or excuse his behaviour either. He doesn't get to dictate how you feel and he doesn't get to act like the injured party.

What worries me most about your posts is the things you're not saying. Why didn't you ask him to sleep in the spare room? This might be the first time he's been physically aggressive but I bet it isn't the first time he shown you this level of contempt.

You can not force him to acknowledge, change or seek help for his behaviour but you can and should, limit you and your children's exposure to it. My 8 year old daughter starts EDMR therapy next week, to help her address the flashbacks she has as a result of witnessing the second and last act of violence her father committed against me.

cozietoesie · 26/07/2015 11:03

From the OP.

...He also says vile things when angry: any conflict and he becomes a monster: says stuff like 'I don't give a shit what you think', and tells me to shut up...

Gasp0deTheW0nderD0g · 26/07/2015 11:06

I've reported frankbough's post as I think it's extremely offensive to the women who've posted here about their experiences of abuse to describe them as mentally ill.

I am wondering how if the keys simply slipped out of his hand they didn't simply land on the ground. What actually happened was that after leaving his hand they made contact with your face with sufficient force to leave a mark. Did he not study physics at school?

Lweji · 26/07/2015 11:27

I loath abuse excusers.

The poor husband can't be challenged on his mood, although instead of asking for space he is probably dishing it out on his unsuspecting family. The bitch wife should have just put up with it and lie low on her corner till the storm passed and he deemed it fit to be nice to his family.
So, the poor husband had no alternative but to assault the bitch wife.
I have no words to describe what I think of this.

Lweji · 26/07/2015 11:30

He definitely needs to get a grip
Well, yes, but who can make him get one?
You are not talking to him, but to the wife, who can't possibly be responsible for his behaviour or for what be does.
What if he'd rather continue as he is, as he seems to prefer from the updates?

midnightvelvetPart2 · 26/07/2015 11:39

Surely in frankbough's scenario, the dad would just say after coming home 'I'm in a bit of a bad mood love, sorry, can I have some space for a bit?' But no, the wife is deemed to be a mind reader & should realise telepathically that the dad needs his precious space & she shouldn't be showing any concern at all, as its wrong for her to be concerned. Silly woman deserved to have keys thrown at her face when he flipped because of her behaviour! What a charmer you are, frank!

Hope you're OK op Brew

SuburbanRhonda · 26/07/2015 11:40

Have also reported frankbough's post.

Original poster
instructionsforaheatwave · 26/07/2015 11:47

Thanks guys.

Frank - offensive. I'm not a mind reader as another poster pointed out...plus I don't think anyone should be able to stomp around the house snapping at their wife and kids without explanation or apology. I'm in a pretty shit/upset mood right now, and just removed myself from kids because their squabbling was driving me nuts. We are adults and need to clock our own behaviour - something my H clearly struggles with.

OP posts:
Manic3mum · 26/07/2015 11:48

throws keys in direction of wife why though? Why would you do that? There's no need to throw anything at anybody unless you are a 2yo having a paddy. Pathetic.

Original poster
instructionsforaheatwave · 26/07/2015 11:53

Back to me - have had some explaining about why he was in a bad mood but it's really nothing major and not something that should have warranted such extreme behaviour. He's also tried to hug me and say 'I don't want to fight,' to which I said 'it was not a fight. It was you losing your temper.' he's said he's sorry for losing his temper and he was in the wrong...but still says 'oh,
BUT you kept going on at me.'

I'm veering between feeling very angry, but also sad and worried for the future.

OP posts:
Lweji · 26/07/2015 11:53

Does he really struggle to or chooses not to check it at home, because he can?

MaybeDoctor · 26/07/2015 11:56

As my workplace example shows, a good test is 'would this be acceptable in a workplace?'. If not, then why is it acceptable at home?

Lweji · 26/07/2015 11:57

What worries you the most?
A future without him or a future with him?

Original poster
instructionsforaheatwave · 26/07/2015 11:57

I think he does struggle, Lwej - I know he gets wound up at work etc. But he's never been in a fight in his life, or lost his cool in the office so I think it's both really.
Everyone who knows him thinks he's wonderful. He can be. But sometimes he's a shit and I don't know if I can recover from this tbh.

OP posts:
sesamechoc · 26/07/2015 12:00

Are you a SAHM who is financially reliant on him? Could he be a narcissist? just a few clues.... problematic childhood/ lack of empathy/ rages

Original poster
instructionsforaheatwave · 26/07/2015 12:00

Lwej - in all honesty, a future without. Our marriage is good most of the time. Kids would be devastated and everyone we know would be beyond shocked if we split up.
I don't think I'm at the point of rushing to the divorce courts but I'm very very unhappy about this episode.
Need to go but will be back later.

OP posts:
sesamechoc · 26/07/2015 12:01

forgot another one! sense of entitlement