husband threw a set of car keys in my face...

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...says it all really. In front of our three small kids. Have a mark on my upper lip now...not sure what to do.

Background: our marriage is strong, and good (I thought). We have a very good life - a lovely bunch of close supportive friends, no real money worries compared to most; 3 happy, healthy kids. I feel blessed every day tbh. We are unlucky with our immediate families (mine are dead, his are very very difficult and we are essentially NC with them: this is obviously very difficult for DH).

We have similar interests, laugh a lot and have a good sex life. He does flare up in (our ultimately rare) rows and has a tendency to slam doors or storm off but I've never had something thrown at me before. He also says vile things when angry: any conflict and he becomes a monster: says stuff like 'I don't give a shit what you think', and tells me to shut up.

Today it came out of nowhere - he went to run an errand and seemed in a bad mood when he came back. Snapping at me and the kids...I kept asking him what the matter was just to be brushed off. We had to go off to a friend's birthday picnic - parked in the wrong place and were struggling to find them. He got into a rage and that's when he threw the keys at me and stormed off. The kids were horrified - as was I - but I kind of held it together for their sake. Also held it together for the rest of the afternoon as it was a close friend's big birthday and no way I could miss it.

Home now, and I've essentially told him it was utterly unacceptable and asked what the hell the problem is. His response: you're being a drama queen. shut up.
He storms off and just now said 'I'm sorry, I don't want to fight', and I said 'it's not really a fight is it? It's you throwing something at me..'

So shaken. Don't know what to do.

I would cancel the lunch if only to make him understand that this was so serious that there is no way you can continue as usual.

"Sorry we had a fight" is an apology for something that didn't happen. you didn't have a fight. He had an explosion of temper that could have injured you badly. your ds is clearly upset and worried about the whole thing. At the least he needs to sit down with all of you and apologise, not just to you but to your children as well.

After that - I don't know what I would do. I couldn't continue living with a man who was not deeply sorry for losing his temper and potentially hurting me and upsetting my children. I might be able to live with someone who was deeply sorry for an action that while stupid wasn't meant to hurt - but I would want him to do something about the moods and the anger.

At the moment you have a man who doesn't really see anything wrong with what he did.

Bowers makes a lot of sense.

His anger is directed at you because he knows he can get away with it. You are his punchbag. Please don't put up with a bully.
If he thinkx he didn't do anything wrong that id the sign of him thinking is OK to behavd this way.

To me the actual action wouldn't be the red flag, we've all done things we regret in anger, it's the downplaying of it afterwards and the refusal to see he's crossed the line and upset you.

I HAD been saying over the hour or so leading up to it - 'um, why are you in such a bad mood?,' and 'you're being really grumpy with everyone'...and I guess if I hadn't been constantly reacting to his shitty mood, this episode wouldn't have happened...

NO -- none of this was your fault. This had nothing to do with your words or behaviour

The only extent to which you figure in any of this is the extent to which he has decided (for reasons of his own that you do not have to figure out) that you are someone he feels he can vent his rage at and get away with that behaviour. I am guessing nobody at work gets keys or any other projectiles thrown at them when he is in a bad mood?

but then, ffs - I get in a bad mood and try not to take it out on everyone else! if he point it out with me I'd say sorry and rein it in. I wouldn't fly into a rage and then throw things!

You know the difference between you and him, and you also know deep down that what he does is both completely unacceptable and perhaps unstoppable, or at least you have no idea how to make it stop.

Try to put into words in your mind how you are going to explain this incident to your children, as Lweji posts.

I've PMed you instructions

I've experienced something very similar and we have managed to put it behind us, but not without a lot of soul searching and some counselling.

And for anyone reading this worrying about their own situation of domestic violence, the most common, IMHO, is when the abuser shows extreme repentance after an act of violence and I you, like a bloody fool, fall for it.
Somehow it is even more sinister than your husband thinks that he did nothing wrong, OP.

Please be aware that couples counselling is NOT recommended when one of the parties is violent/abusive.

Your soul doesn't need to be searched, but your h will need specialist help to address his demons.

I suggest you tell him that if he doesn't agree to seek help and attend sessions to enable him to curtail his anger your marriage is over because you deserve more and the dc deserve the better life they'll have without a temperamental df living under the same roof as them.

So, this is not new, just increasing his abuse. Exactly. There are no justifications. He threw something at you, with the intent of hitting you...exactly the same as if he had punched you in the face.

It's domestic violence. Don't excuse it.

I kept asking him what the matter was This is you walking on egg shells, needing to placate him in case he flares up.

keys arent a weapon ANYTHING is a weapon when you throw it at someone with intent to hit/hurt them.

almost as if he didn't think before he did it Of course he didn't think...he acted impulsively, which is why he can't be trusted.

I think the younger two were almost a bit oblivious (thanks to me trying to cover it up), but my eldest kept gripping onto me and asking if i was ok, and then constantly glancing up at me as we walked. Your kids saw their father assault you. Two aren't oblivious, you lied in order to make it OK for them (which if a natural reaction, you are trying to protect them) and they believe that hurting mummy is fine, as long as daddy has a good excuse, and the other is already showing signs of being effected by it. This is NOT ok, op.

Morganly I know you mean well with your post, but this isn't a potentially violent man, he HAS been violent. Just because it didn't present as him physically hitting the op with his fists/hands, it doesn't mean it isn't violent. And the op has said repeatedly that he won't discuss his moods, so talking/trying to have a conversation is pointless, because he will shut her down again!

I don't understand why he isn't sorry Because he doesn't think he did anything wrong!

still vile and unacceptable, but a slight difference NO. The difference would be throwing them on the floor. He threw them AT you op, it doesn't matter if it was a throw, or a toss. His target was you. His weapon those keys...

Cozie - if he'd done this to one of our kids I would be filing for divorce. So why is your welfare less important?

Goddess is right.
Please do not let yourself be talked into accepting any responsibility for this. This is your husband's problem -- it does not take two to cause abuse. You would not be candidates for couples counselling.

I had a wrapped up soaked nappy thrown at me once, that I had just taken off DD3. It was just as much a weapon as a brick would have been. So were the keys. As Differentname says, 'The difference would be throwing them on the floor. He threw them AT you op, it doesn't matter if it was a throw, or a toss. His target was you.'

we got home and after bedtime I said 'do you want to tell me what the hell is going on with you?' and he said 'nothing, i just want to have a quiet evening and sorry we had a fight'....but still no explanation as to why he got in such a rage.

You did not have a fight, as so many others have said.
He got enraged and threw keys at you.

Do not bother any more asking him what was wrong with him, what caused this.

You cannot cure what caused him to act like this and please do not kid yourself that it is your job to heal him or get to the bottom of it. You may be completely assured it was nothing you did or said -- because nothing anyone does or says warrants having keys thrown at her, and nothing children do or say warrants seeing that.

All you can do is take it from here, try to work out what exactly you want from here on and how you are going to get it, and trying to figure out how all of this is affecting the children.

I minimised what was going on in my home for a long time, because there was 'never a good time' to follow through on the decision I had made in my heart and also because I thought I was special enough to make exH change. He had loved me enough to marry me so I reasoned I could make him love me enough to stop being so angry...
We are all much happier now.

...and also because I thought I was special enough to make exH change. He had loved me enough to marry me so I reasoned I could make him love me enough to stop being so angry...

That's a bummer right enough. I wonder how many people think along those lines deep down.

It's a confusing situation to find yourself in. On the one hand this man told you he loved you, wanted to marry you, wanted to have children, grow old together, and on the other hand he seems to be angry a lot. You remember the 'I love you' bits, and you cherish the good times, and the rest of it seems so inexplicable, because it doesn't fit the picture you have and it contradicts the promises that were made. At first you just block it out and in your head you keep on moving forward in the direction you think both of you are going in, together.

It all becomes more and more undeniable though. You know it happens out of the blue and the rational voice inside tells you 'but we weren't fighting, you just got mad and exploded' but at the same time you are vulnerable to the verbal assault -- 'sorry we had a fight' and doubt your own rationality and blame yourself; certainly many abusers are quick to insinuate or state outright that 'someone else' is to blame.

And you also think it has to be you who can make this right since you love him and he said he loves you -- and there once were happy and seemingly uncomplicated times. When you feel you can make things right you are trying to tell yourself that you can control the situation. It is a comforting thought, that you can have a good effect, save the life you have created for yourself, keep on moving forward with Plan A. There are even times when things seem to go right, and this keeps you vulnerable to toxic optimism and confidence even though there are also episodes of rage that you are less and less able to see as aberrations. You think 'If we were able to have such a good time last Sunday, why not always?' and you try really hard to find the elusive formula that made Sunday special, to find and flip that magic switch this Saturday.

This is a little jumbled and may not apply to everyone, but as far as I can put myself back there, that was sort of the progression of my instincts for several years.

Yesterday 22:19 instructionsforaheatwave

Cozie - if he'd done this to one of our kids I would be filing for divorce.

But look at the reaction of your dc... He DID do this to them, he did it to you in front of them.

This is an assault, whether with direct intent to harm or not, he threw something he knew would hurt AT you, in front of the children.

A child who lives in a home where a domestic abuse situation occurs is deemed to have suffered the abuse themselves, even when asleep. Unborn children are affected by domestic abuse situations.

I'm not saying that you are a DV victim, but he is treating you badly, the contempt he has shown, the lack of meaningful remorse, and the fact that he seems able to control himself with Luther, but not you... None of this is good, none of it at all.

You should tell HIM to move to the spare room for a while tbh, so your dc can be with you if they wake up.

What he has done is not acceptable, and yes you should cancel the lunch. But I fear that you won't, you'll want to minimise all this and carry on blaming yourself, because it's easier.

Fuck easier, you have a right to be treated with respect. Your children have the right to this too. By being so vile to you in front of them, he's disrespecting you and them. They will also grow up normalising it and very possibly recreating the dynamic in their own relationships. The other risk you run is that they start seeing you as he does, and you end up having your dc continue where he leaves off.

You have a duty to them to show your h and dc that what happened was a watershed and it stops now, profuse apology, seeks help, or leaves.

Anything less and he won't stop. He will only escalate. This is the beginning. Get away with this and what happens next?

Sorry to be the harbinger of doom, but these events are never isolated, not when he feels entitled to treat you badly without repercussion or apology.

You didn't do this, he did. Please stop blaming yourself?

Just for info, when I had a management post I once reprimanded someone for throwing a marker pen very hard at a seated person, in a busy room. Like your case, it wasn't a case of 'here is the pen' it was a 'take this!'. Although the recipient did not want to make a fuss I checked it out with my own line manager and they agreed that a verbal reprimand was entirely appropriate.

Luther - Others

Exh once tipped a cold bowl of soup in my face. I picked up my baby and went to leave - the shock of his audacity was the worst bit. He's not a bad abusive person, he's a normal person who flipped. He was wrong. Its not why I left him and we are still very good mates. He's not a bad bloke. He had a tantrum. It happens. Nobody is completely infallible. But if you've got underlying friction that is causing you to behave like a 'drama queen' and him to throw stuff that needs addressing.

Threefishys Did you read the bit where he was grumpy & wouldn't talk? Or how he minimised it into a 'fight' suggesting it was an even 'battle' when it was no such thing...or how he didn't apologise, or won't talk about it? Or even how is flares up now & then? How he says vile things to the op when angry?

Besides which, 'throwing a tantrum' as a adult & throwing something at someone...since when has that been acceptable to anyone? It isn't, and just like your ex, there is never an excuse to behave violently!

But if you've got underlying friction that is causing you to behave like a 'drama queen' and him to throw stuff that needs addressing

Erm... You are not acting like a drama queen in the slightest here. If anyone, he is.

This should be very clear. There was nothing here that could be pointed at you.

I didn't say there was an excuse. Basically if they are at a point where Op's partner thinks she is acting like a drama queen (let's says we believe him here and she was ) and he had a tantrum (both equally emotionally immature behaviours) then the relationship has problems anyway that are manifesting themselves thus.

Let's say we don't believe the violent man and believe the woman who is tiptoeing round him and trying to protect their children from the affects of his anger. He sure as hell wasn't concerned with how his behaviour had made the children feel.

Thanks everyone. No, I wasn't being a drama queen. I've had more apologies today but with a 'but you were winding me up..' excuse in there. He also says the keys slipped out of his hand. I could almost believe that, but it's how he doesn't actually seem that sorry - and has the gall to throw some blame my way - which hurts the most.

Need to go but will be back later. Things don't look great, do they?

Well I'd say he's apologising now because you slept in another room and are not just taking what he gave out. It means he sees he has to do something but it's not necessarily a genuine apology. I think at this stage actions speak louder than words and that would be seeking counselling.

No love, you're not a drama queen.

You're not actually taking this seriously enough, but it's understandable. It's a lot to take in

His words are worthless, they are excuses. You didn't wind him up, he threw his keys. In your direction. At you.

His apologies are not comprehensive or heartfelt, he's actually feeling justified in what he did

No. He's not sorry.

No advice I'm afraid, other than when my Ex did similar I stayed and things just gradually got worse :(

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That's a fake apology which is being said (with a but - Huh!) just so that he can feel better about his own actions. It's still all about him.

My abusivr ex used to say sorry... But.

I've still it a photo somewhere of the elbow that was 3x it's normal size "because I shouted at him"

I'm so sorry, to have to realise the situation you're in is horrid, but you didn't do this love, he did. The best thing for you and your dc is to stop it now, either his behaviour, or his presence in your home. The stakes for you are that high, you and your children are that important.

I'd say you need to ask him to move out for a while.