husband threw a set of car keys in my face...

[instructionsforaheatwave]

...says it all really. In front of our three small kids. Have a mark on my upper lip now...not sure what to do.

Background: our marriage is strong, and good (I thought). We have a very good life - a lovely bunch of close supportive friends, no real money worries compared to most; 3 happy, healthy kids. I feel blessed every day tbh. We are unlucky with our immediate families (mine are dead, his are very very difficult and we are essentially NC with them: this is obviously very difficult for DH).

We have similar interests, laugh a lot and have a good sex life. He does flare up in (our ultimately rare) rows and has a tendency to slam doors or storm off but I've never had something thrown at me before. He also says vile things when angry: any conflict and he becomes a monster: says stuff like 'I don't give a shit what you think', and tells me to shut up.

Today it came out of nowhere - he went to run an errand and seemed in a bad mood when he came back. Snapping at me and the kids...I kept asking him what the matter was just to be brushed off. We had to go off to a friend's birthday picnic - parked in the wrong place and were struggling to find them. He got into a rage and that's when he threw the keys at me and stormed off. The kids were horrified - as was I - but I kind of held it together for their sake. Also held it together for the rest of the afternoon as it was a close friend's big birthday and no way I could miss it.

Home now, and I've essentially told him it was utterly unacceptable and asked what the hell the problem is. His response: you're being a drama queen. shut up.
He storms off and just now said 'I'm sorry, I don't want to fight', and I said 'it's not really a fight is it? It's you throwing something at me..'

So shaken. Don't know what to do.

[BrowersBlues]

Your kids have already been disrupted - by his behaviour. If you are worrying that you would be having a miserable day on your own you are missing the point.

You ask 'what should I do?' The answer is stand up for yourself, stop trying to minimise his behaviour, focus on your children and tell them that their dad did a very wrong thing, send the message to your husband that you will not tolerate his behaviour and ring the police.

Otherwise this will happen again and why shouldn't it given that there are absolutely no consequences when someone assaults you.

I am being straight with you because you are truly in denial and I am hoping that you realise this. Be kind to yourself x

[instructionsforaheatwave]

Sorry, I know tomorrow isn't the real concern. I know what he needs to do is apologise, promise never to act in such a vile way again - and ideally see someone to untangle the reasons why he behaved like this in the first place and help ensure that it never happens again.

I'm just so shaken and wondering how to get through the next 24 hours or so without affecting the kids but making him see that this is really fucking serious.

[Lweji]

You can't make him do anything. Sadly.
He has to come up with it.

What will you do if he doesn't apologise, or see anyone about his behaviour?

[instructionsforaheatwave]

Thank you Blistory and Browsers - both very wise...

[Dilema76]

I think that would he did was totally unacceptable but I do not agree with phoning the police or leaving him if your relationship is generally ok. I would cancel tomorrow and I would then give him a warning that if he ever does anything like that again then you will leave him immediately. You have to be willing to do that though. He needs to know that you mean it.

[instructionsforaheatwave]

I don't know what I'm going to do Lweji. 24 hours ago I would have said I was lucky to be in a generally happy marriage - but today crossed a big line for me.

[cozietoesie]

The kids might be affected a little by cancelling the lunch, sure, but how much better is that laying down of guidelines for behaviour - for them - than seeing Daddy throw something at Mummy's face and then have Mummy smiling sweetly and pretending the next day that nothing has happened?

[Lweji]

Also, the children have already been affected.
Not only by this, but the previous arguments.

Do you think your parents splitting up will be worse than seeing your dad attack your mother?

[Lweji]

today crossed a big line for me.

Yet for him it's just a little thing on the way he treats you. He's not at all bothered.
Except for a token crap apology.

[instructionsforaheatwave]

True Cozie - but rather hard to say: 'Mummy is really cross with daddy so let's not have our friends over and let daddy think about this..'!

[Blistory]

Sorry, I should add that my stepfather only loses his temper about once every year or two. It doesn't matter. The fear of that happening is enough to keep us all in check. He would be horrified to think that we all feel this way. What underlies it all is something as simple as the fact that he doesn't really consider us equal and he isn't even aware of that that is how he feels deep down.

I wish I had the solution for you but all I can offer is a glimpse of your future if something doesn't change.

[princesspink7404]

Perhaps he will talk to you again in a couple of days...men are funny creatures but at least you acknowledge it is serious and you will not be letting him get away with it. I appreciate the difficulty with the party tomorrow. As the PP say, your priority is keeping DC happy.

Marriage is never easy and it could, I hope so, just be a one for whatever reason. I hope you manage to get it, him, sorted out one way or another.

[Lweji]

Why is that hard to say?

[lavenderhoney]

You notice he is unhappy and he won't talk. He ends up throwing keys at you, and I think this is the thin end of the wedge.

You can either forget about it and muddle along, until another episode, until it gets bad enough for you personally, or you can skip the escalation and pretending everything is ok and go straight in there and say " that's enough now"

I think you need to talk to your eldest DC in a very age appropriate way. Because you wouldn't put up with that kind of shit from them and you would, I think, seek help for them and you with how to manage it.

Also, he should apologise to you and the DC. Properly. Because you all need to face it was AWFUL and not brush it under the carpet. I think it's this - the expectation you put up and shut up- which is bothering you most. What's next? He's not modelling good behaviour. You will have to say to your DC that he's very sorry and it won't happen again- and where are the flowers and love?

So in effect you are lying to your DC to cover up his shit, and they know - the oldest certainly and it destroys slowly how they think of you, IMO.

[goddessofsmallthings]

How much of your reluctance to make a stand is due to your fear of him?

As you're worried about your youngest waking in the night, move your h's stuff into the spare room and either take your dc out for the day tomorrow, or stay and entertain your guests without any overt displays of affection towards your h and baldly state that he threw a set of car keys at you should anyone remark on your lip - there's no need to go into detail and, as that one sentence is likely to prove a conversation stopper, have a change of subject prepared to fill the silence.

Continue to sleep in a separate room until you can be reasonably assured that your h has taken on board the need for him to change his behaviour and is actively seeking help.

If you google search 'anger management for men' you'll find numerous results containing advice and courses your h can attend.

[cozietoesie]

...Perhaps he will talk to you again in a couple of days...

I'm more inclined to think that he'll play the riotous sex card tonight and then assume that everything is 'sorted'.

[Morganly]

"Mummy doesn't feel very well"? They don't need the full story.

[BrowersBlues]

You will get through the next 24 hours standing on your head because you have done nothing wrong. Ignore him competely. Sleep in the spare room and cancel lunch.

You asked me what happened to me. I was in the same situation as you, young kids with an angry husband. The assaults started along the lines of throwing something at me, tea towels etc, whatever was in his hand. Instead of apologising he shouted and dismissed my concerns.

Instead of standing up to him and tell him to fuck off I tried to placate him and minimise things. My DD at the time was one and I knew she already sensed that his behaviour was not acceptable. He smashed something against the wall when I was holding her close by and she was terrified. I got out very shortly after that but not before I was badly injured by him on several occasions when he was in one of his moods. The violence escalated and I now know that that progression is almost textbook. That was over 17 years ago and if anyone on this planet threw something at me I would ring the police. No debate.

The reason your post resonates with me so much is that I used to behave like you are now, trying to keep everyone happy and make sure no one knew. When my family found out I tried to stick up for him and minimise his behaviour. It was only after I left and had counselling that I realised how damaged I was. My behaviour was textbook and so is yours. I look back on myself in those days and I see a very anxious scared young mother. This really is not your fault. By making everything look fine on the surface you are sacrificing yourself and it is really bad for you. I am concerned about you because you are a young mother who needs love and support and it devastates me that you can't see your own worth.

[Lweji]

You have to tell your DC two things:

a) It's ok that your dad talks to your mother like crap and throw hard things at her face

b) It's NOT ok that your dad talks to your mother like crap and throw hard things at her face and things will change (either he will stop it or leave)

Which do you think it's harder?

Because you will be saying one of these, even if you don't say anything (which means you are telling them option a) )

[Lweji]

Sorry, you have to tell your DC one of two things.

[ouryve]

Even if he wasn't aiming at your face, he didn't care if it was in the path of the keys. There's plenty of ways of slamming down some pent up anger without launching something at or near another person.

[instructionsforaheatwave]

Certainly no riotous sex happening anywhere near me, Cozie!

Lavenderhoney - you are right. I feel mortified when I lose my rag with the kids, for example. I lost my cool this morning because they'd managed to turn the front room into a bomb site in the space of two minutes and yet couldn't muster the energy to clean it up when I asked...within seconds I apologised and said 'I'm so sorry I shouted...' - it's not difficult to apologise for one's behaviour, imo.

goddessofsmall things - thank you, and I love your user name btw.

[instructionsforaheatwave]

Bowers - Thank you. Your response means a lot and thank you for sharing your experience...I will learn from this. I hope you are happier now.

[instructionsforaheatwave]

Thank you so much everyone. Your responses have been so helpful and necessarily brutally frank which I really appreciate. My laptop battery is dying and I am about to go to bed (in the spare room!) and will check in tomorrow. You've made me feel a lot stronger - while this is a really shit situation but it's amazing what the wisdom and experience of others can do....thank you again x

[Lweji]

Have a good night.

Keep strong.