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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I cannot believe what has just happened.

219 replies

Sweetsecret · 15/07/2015 17:59

I just had a visit from my mum and step father.
My 2 year old DS, was playing with his trains and my stepdad sat down to play with him, and my DS didnt want him to and he threw some of trains off the track. my step dad then grabbed my DS picked him up and started shouting at him took him out of the house started walking down the street shouting at him telling him he was a naughty boy.
I went to the front door and told him to bring him back and he refused. so I walked down the street to get him.
I went back into the house and my sd started shouting at me telling me I wasn't doing a decent job at raising him, that I didn't know what I was doing. I said I was doing the best that I could (my H left me a few months ago, so it has been an incredibly difficult time for me and both my DC'S. he said I wasn't trying hard enough.
I then told them to leave and they both left.
I called my mum 20 mins later as we are supposed to be all going on holiday on Monday and she blamed me. She aways takes his side on everything anyway.
I am absolutely stunned that this has happened, in front of both of my children.
I don't know what to do I just feel like I have no one now, everyone has just abandoned me.
I just saw red when I saw someone walking off with my son yelling at him.
I don't know what to do. I feel like I have been hanging on by a thread for the last few months as it is, and now the only two people I had have not only called me a bad mother but have yelled at my two year old son in front of his sister who is 5. And it is somehow my fault.

OP posts:

Ohfourfoxache · 22/07/2015 19:00

Fucking hell!
I hope they told her where to go

FantasticButtocks · 22/07/2015 19:02

thegreysheep · 22/07/2015 19:04

That takes the biscuit!! Further proof you've done the right thing, and good your ex and in-laws are supportive and on-side

eminthebigsmoke · 22/07/2015 19:14

Can't believe what you have to put up with from your own mother! Hopefully ex-h has clued his family in. Sorry this is happening :(

WaverleyOwl · 22/07/2015 19:17

What did he say?!

Original poster

Sweetsecret · 22/07/2015 19:26

Yeah my ex just told his parents not to get involved with her games.
And he said hell would freeze over before he took our kids to her house.

OP posts:

Hissy · 22/07/2015 19:36

Wow! Thank god your ex is on board! It could have been a whole other thread!

Original poster

Sweetsecret · 22/07/2015 19:37

it's rattled me a little actually, something very single white female about it.

OP posts:

Original poster

Sweetsecret · 22/07/2015 19:40

it's so wierd that she would call the in laws to say that! why not call my ex? it's almost like she is trying to get them to influence him.
Devious does not even cover it.

OP posts:

ByeByeButterfly · 22/07/2015 19:41

I'm so sorry this happened sweet what a disgusting way to behave to a child.

Have you any good friends you can rely on? Aunts, uncles, siblings or bio dad who are there for you?

If so, I'd seriously consider NC with both of them. He sounds vile and your Mum is an excused - she should support her daughter.

What part of the UK are you in?

Maybe you could make some MN friends.

Original poster

Sweetsecret · 22/07/2015 19:44

thanks butterfly luckily I have a good group of friends, and my ex and I are amicable I have family but they not local but on the end of a phone.
The whole thing is so wrong in so many ways.

OP posts:

DoJo · 22/07/2015 20:56

Wow - just caught up with this thread, and it sounds to me like they know you and your ex get on so they are trying to sabotage that. They know you don't want your kids around them and they know that your ex supports you completely on that, so what better way to completely destroy the trust and understanding that you have with him than by persuading him to take the kids to their house? Then they could tell everyone that ex was on 'their side' and it would add to their delusion that you are the one being irrational.

They sound like truly nasty pieces of work, and I am so happy for you that you are no longer having to deal with them directly (although it sounds like it will be a while before they give up and leave you alone). Stay strong and remember how much you DON'T want another child growing up in the shadow of their pettiness, spite and undermining behaviour - in time, your kids will forget all about them and never know what it's like to be under their black cloud - how cool is that?! What a brilliant gift to be able to give them, and yourself!

(Also, I don't know if this helps, but when you wrote about them always trying to outdo you, I imagined them going home after talking to you and having a tragic little chat about how to outdo your plans. It was like a truly tragic version of The Twits, sitting there, taking nothing positive or good from all the marvellous things about the world, just plotting and planning how to bring you down. What a way to live their lives.)

Original poster

Sweetsecret · 22/07/2015 22:49

Thankyou dojo, I like the thought of it being a gift to my children that they won't have to grow up with that.
I can't believe they have gone behind my back like that.
Thankfully my stbxh and his parents are totally on my side and they always will be, as they know what they are like they have experienced it first hand too. So thankfully they know what I am putting up with.
I called my dad and he just said what you did it is a very sad life for them, I pity them really.

OP posts:

goddessofsmallthings · 22/07/2015 23:05

Pity them by all means, but don't let pity turn to sympathy or they'll see your kindness as being weakness again and will take advantage of it.

Imo you should give further consideration to staying in the same hotel as them next month as births/marriages/deaths tend to bring out the 'let bygones be bygones' in people and you may find yourself subject to pressure to go along with what they want 'just for the day' unless you have someone on board who is firmly in your corner and can repel any advances they may make in no uncertain terms. Can your ex go with you?

Original poster

Sweetsecret · 22/07/2015 23:52

Oh don't worry I have fallen into that trap, she has guilt tripped me all my life. But not this time.
Ex can't come as he is looking after my DS at home ( DS is too young for a wedding i think) so I am taking DD.
But I have a close family member who knows what's happened so will be there for support.
I will use the opportunity to spend time with the rest of my family, spend time with my DD, have a nice evening in the hotel then a day out with DD the next day.
I am taking the stance of, I am not going to be intimidated by them anymore, I am going to enjoy the wedding and not let them get to me.
I will not be leaving my DD'S side for one minute.

OP posts:

PreemptiveSalvageEngineer · 23/07/2015 06:55

Well done, you! I adore your fighting spirit.

I'm ashamed to say, even though I'm well familiar with the antics of the narc parents, that particular stunt was a surprise. They really are shameless, aren't they. And it's proof how utterly self-involved they must be. Think about it: as you imply, your ILs have been on the receiving end of DPs toxicity, yet DM thinks they'd be inclined to do her any favours?

D = Dumbass in this context.

Oooh, I'll bet that's not how she spun it...

Original poster

Sweetsecret · 23/07/2015 10:35

Surprised me too preemptive, but also it didn't.
She has been known to call random people and just turn up their house uninvited to try and gain control over a situation by trying to manipulate people who are not directly involved in the situation.
It is very very wierd.
I have often wondered if it goes further than being a Narc she doesn't have one ounce of empathy at all, startlingly so actually.
I could spill something truly horrendous and she wouldn't bat an eyelid.
My SD has frequently slagged her off to me, trying to get me to engage in it so then he can go back to her and tell her what I have said.
I have fallen for it a few times but have been more wary in recent years.
But I have decided that if you have to be on your guard all the time with people it's too energy zapping to be around them.
We have had good times in the past but it always comes at a price.
I have wanted to cut them off for years, but I have never been strong enough and or felt guilty.
I wouldn't be friends with someone who made me feel so bad so why we feel we have to put up with it from family is beyond me.

OP posts:

Anniegetyourgun · 23/07/2015 11:58

It's because if you have grown up with it you don't know any different, therefore don't learn it's wrong until your ways are fairly well fixed, so after that it's a big adjustment to your world view. That, coupled with the well-meaning opinions of people who have not experienced it and have no idea just how difficult a raging narc of a mother can be. "But, but, it's your mother, she loves you really, can't you be the bigger person" etc...

(There was one just the other day, very long-running thread involving a mother from hell, OP had had massive support and advice in handling her, eventually mother pulled one last stunt and they lost contact. Random poster pops on to say she wished her mother were still alive to talk to. OP not impressed as "one day I'll be dead and you'll be sorry" was one of her mother's favourite guilt trips. There's nearly always one.)

SugarOnTop · 23/07/2015 15:21

narcs have no empathy - they're not capable of it.

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