I cannot believe what has just happened.

[Sweetsecret]

I just had a visit from my mum and step father.
My 2 year old DS, was playing with his trains and my stepdad sat down to play with him, and my DS didnt want him to and he threw some of trains off the track. my step dad then grabbed my DS picked him up and started shouting at him took him out of the house started walking down the street shouting at him telling him he was a naughty boy.
I went to the front door and told him to bring him back and he refused. so I walked down the street to get him.
I went back into the house and my sd started shouting at me telling me I wasn't doing a decent job at raising him, that I didn't know what I was doing. I said I was doing the best that I could (my H left me a few months ago, so it has been an incredibly difficult time for me and both my DC'S. he said I wasn't trying hard enough.
I then told them to leave and they both left.
I called my mum 20 mins later as we are supposed to be all going on holiday on Monday and she blamed me. She aways takes his side on everything anyway.
I am absolutely stunned that this has happened, in front of both of my children.
I don't know what to do I just feel like I have no one now, everyone has just abandoned me.
I just saw red when I saw someone walking off with my son yelling at him.
I don't know what to do. I feel like I have been hanging on by a thread for the last few months as it is, and now the only two people I had have not only called me a bad mother but have yelled at my two year old son in front of his sister who is 5. And it is somehow my fault.

Thanks Hissy, DD is fine. she asked me why Grandad was shouting at me, she just said it isn't kind shouting at people is it?
even she knows how to behave better.
I just said it was wrong of him and he shouldn't have done it. she seemed okay, I just hated that she saw me crying again, I just couldn't stop. my DS kept coming over with wet wipes to wipe my tears with.

Ah bless you Ms adorable that is kind. funnily enough it's Suffolk we were going! Ha!

Hopefully I can find someone to take me.

Do you rent formally? Tenancy agreement? I think you should start registering interest in renting at a few agencies today, just so you are on their radar and will call you if something comes up. Having power over your home sounds like something they might start using if you cause waves, so being prepared is never a bad idea.

What's the situation with the ex? Could he put you up temporarily if needed? I might be getting a bit hysterical, but they seem to have you over a barrel.

oh bless :(

it's OK for the children to see you cry. IMHO anyway. they need to know it's OK to express sadness and emotion. You are entitled to be sad, this stuff is sad.

I had therapy after my (abusive) ex left. My family left me for emotional dead and piled in the hurt at the time. When my M and her H resolved to move hundreds of miles away and NOT tell me anything bar the fact they were moving and when, it hurt. I had more therapy as a result of their treatment of me post split and post her moving away than I did for the DV from the Ex.

this stuff hurts more than anything else on earth. Have a read of Toxic PArents - it is a real comfort to know that it's not YOU, iykwim

magic, great minds think alike I am on it. already started.
My ex hasnt got his own place yet as it's very recent and is staying with relatives.
Hissy, you sound like you know exactly what is it like to have people like this in your life.
I have read about Narcissistic mother syndrome, which sums her up 100%, my SD in the past as sagged her off to me I have never said anything I have never engaged with him with the slanging off as I know he will go straight to her if I did.
the one time I said to her what he had said to me about her (during a row) I was accused of shit storing and he didnt speak to me for six months.
I don't want to see them anymore, if they throw me out then I will have a plan in place.
They absolutely have me over a barrel and I am now realising this hold they have had over me and their ability to push me down and down is probably the reason my marriage has ended, they have bullied me into a depression for years, and they have done the same to H.

sorry about the typos, my battery is going so was typing fast!

'they need to know it's OK to express sadness and emotion'

So very true. They need to see that its ok to be upset because you get through it and feel better afterwards. So, within reason, don't bottle stuff up in front of them.

'this stuff hurts more than anything else on earth'

Just a humungous YES to this. Take care of yourself OP, you're doing just great

As you only recently split with your ex, is there any chance of a reconciliation? You sound on very good terms and the problem makers are out of the picture now.

No circle, no chance of that. We have great love for eachother but he isn't in love with me, unfortunately for me I am not quite there myself, but am moving on.
We get on very well always have, he just doesn't feel "like that" for me anymore.
Considering the crap he has put up with over the years, me being depressed over M, dealing with her directly no wonder.i just wish I had dealt with it sooner

That's a shame about you and ex, oh well good that he has your back and hopefully it will be onwards and upwards for you both from now on.

As for defending your DS, really, really well done and you have really taught your children you have their back and they can count on you. This is great.

As for the rest, the fact your supports (Dad and SM) are so far...you were holidaying with Mum and SD...they own the house you rent from them...their interference with you and ex prior to split and swooping in since the split - from kind people it would be supportive but from controlling people it is creepy, I think your friend had it spot on. The way your SD sees himself as the authority figure when your ex is not around sends shivers down my spine frankly...

But when your child was under threat you stepped up immediately and decisively. See this as the first step to breaking the toxic links, you can work on holiday, housing etc. in a bit, perhaps move closer to your dad later if possible. I know you feel lonely now but it's the first step of breaking free, something your mum is still enmeshed in. And TBH, if you hadn't done this for your kids and yourself I dread to think where it would all have ended, not to be too melodramatic, but this bully thinking he is "in charge" of your family would not end well I think, especially for your children. So, well done you :)

spot on grey. I would love to move closer to my dad but couldn't take the kids away from their dad. which is what my mum did to me.

I knew you probably might be constrained with your kids needing to be near your ex sweet, and he seems a good guy. Maybe when things settle a bit for you and you are able to become more independent from these two you can find ways to reconnect with them more often.

Hope you get a holiday of some sort sorted out for your DD, but the important thing is that you've stepped up. Once you become more used to mum and SD not being around to bully you, you'll find a new lease of life I think, though it won't always be easy, and you and your kids will have many happy memories to make without a bullying overshadowing it. Best of luck you sound great :)

I couldn't agree more Grey, I am already feeling better.
I just want to enjoy the summer hols with my babies. I have told my DD we are not going to CP and she said oh okay, can we have a picnic instead? bless her. obviously not done too bad in raising them.

Ah, children are so lovely sometimes!

Have a chat with your ex about where you might settle. See what he says about being near your dad, he may think it's a jolly good idea. He may even look near there for himself! OK, that's probably a pipe dream, but if you don't ask, you'll never know.

Jux Yeah we did consider it a few years back as his parents are further north too, but the industry he is in is mainly based in the south so it's tricky.
It's difficult as my DD is in a great school and loves it, and she does deal with change well so would be a lot for her to cope with.
My dad has called and we are arranging a caravan hol for Oct half term by the sea. which will be a good laugh, always is with them.

I am now getting a guilt trip from them due to the waste of money.
Well, not my problem.

Perhaps your stepdad overstepping the mark in such a nasty way has been a blessing in a way, as it has highlighted how much damage he and your mum are doing and have done, giving you the perfect opportunity to tell them in no uncertain terms that you will not be putting up with anymore of this.

There is a very good book called something like Where to Draw the Line - Setting healthy boundaries for every day by Anne Katherine. SO useful, I'd definitely recommend it.

will have a look at that FB Thankyou. yes I certainly have some clarity now.

i'd be tempted to reply that they should consider the 'wasted money' as compensation for the emotional harm inflicted on ds!

I don't think one trip to centre parks covers it I would say Yes, that's a pity about the wasted money, but I won't put a price on my DC's welfare. I'm afraid it's your own fault for overstepping the mark and losing control and behaving appallingly, and I WILL NOT ALLOW MY CHILDREN TO BE TREATED THIS WAY. The money is secondary.

FB yes in a round about way that's what I said.

I like that idea too sugar.
I feel sad for my DD that she doesn't get to go, but I have a tonne of stuff planned for her DS and my DD'S best friend, lots or days out. so she is excited. and I feel relieved.

How awful. I'm so glad you're not going to CP with them. How could you possibly enjoy it now? You'd be on tenterhooks the whole time which is probably just what he wants.

My Dad did something similar when my son was 3. He took him out for a walk and DS asked to go to the toy shop and my Dad said no. DS had a bit of a paddy (what with being 3) and so my Dad got angry and then just left him and went back home. He left him right next to a very busy roundabout on a main road. Fortunately DS didn't try to cross the road to go to the toy shop but he was very upset and confused. And guess what? I didn't say a word to my Dad about it because I knew how angry he'd be if I dared to and I didn't want my son to see that. I also knew that he'd take it out on my Mum for ages and that it would be difficult to see her again.

However, something changed for me that day and I've never felt the same about my Dad since. I'm polite to him when I see him but I feel completely cold. He doesn't spend time on his own with my children, not that he'd want to anyway. The only reason he took DS out for a walk that day was because my Mum had a friend round and he wanted to make a show of being a fabulous grandfather ! It's sad for my Mum as I've never allowed them to have a sleepover at their house etc. but that's just the way it is.

Dad was quite a tyrant when we were growing up and my brothers and sister have all suffered for it by trying to win his affection / approval. I've been okay but feel disconnected from the whole family which has bothered me. I've brought my children up to be wary of him and to not try to win his affection / approval. I've told them that he's not possible to please. They pretty much leave him alone and we discuss how odd he is. Fortunately my husband's step Dad (who has never had children of his own) has been a superb grandfather to them even though he lives 150 miles away and we only see them about 4 times a year.

Thank goodness you have your own Dad to show them what a grandfather should be.

Wow Lindt, that is dreadful. my god I know the whole putting on a show to be grandfather of the year thing. They only do things for me so they can tell their friends what a burden I am, (which they have called me before)
yes thankfully my dad is a very sweet calm man, he has put up with his fair amount of digs from my SD over the years. he actually wrote a letter to my dad when I was little saying he would be my dad now. my dad was heartbroken but he never rose to it.
My dad and SM are coming down for a week at the end of Aug so I can't wait. I am glad you had a good SD, it's nice for your kids like you say who have someone kind to call grandad.

Aww, bless you, I'm glad you've still got a holiday to look forward to. Kids are quite resilient, I'm sure they'll be ok.

Hope you're ok. Remember, you're taking positive steps now. They can't get in your head unless you let them.