I cannot believe what has just happened.

[Sweetsecret]

I just had a visit from my mum and step father.
My 2 year old DS, was playing with his trains and my stepdad sat down to play with him, and my DS didnt want him to and he threw some of trains off the track. my step dad then grabbed my DS picked him up and started shouting at him took him out of the house started walking down the street shouting at him telling him he was a naughty boy.
I went to the front door and told him to bring him back and he refused. so I walked down the street to get him.
I went back into the house and my sd started shouting at me telling me I wasn't doing a decent job at raising him, that I didn't know what I was doing. I said I was doing the best that I could (my H left me a few months ago, so it has been an incredibly difficult time for me and both my DC'S. he said I wasn't trying hard enough.
I then told them to leave and they both left.
I called my mum 20 mins later as we are supposed to be all going on holiday on Monday and she blamed me. She aways takes his side on everything anyway.
I am absolutely stunned that this has happened, in front of both of my children.
I don't know what to do I just feel like I have no one now, everyone has just abandoned me.
I just saw red when I saw someone walking off with my son yelling at him.
I don't know what to do. I feel like I have been hanging on by a thread for the last few months as it is, and now the only two people I had have not only called me a bad mother but have yelled at my two year old son in front of his sister who is 5. And it is somehow my fault.

to add to that Hissy, they will now do it to my brother. As they have only just back to talking to him after he cut them out of his life for a few years. Now they have not me to bully they will do it to him, he will cut them off again and the cycle will begin again.
except this time they won't be in my life again. someone needs to put a stop to it.

If anyone should feel guilty it is your mother and stepfather. But they don't, and that is the point.
Instead feel proud, proud that you are a great mum and will continue to be as you have broken the cycle. It's good your brother can see their behaviours are so wrong too, and your DC's also see it, young as they are.

You weren't 'over sensitive', you sensed abusive behaviour...you didn't 'overreact', you reacted to obvious abusive behaviour. I had these accusations from my mother for years, when it was all to keep me in my place and make me doubt myself...she was just in denial and didn't want any challenges to her 'reality', or to face the truth.

You are doing so well, your DC sound so endearing. Look forward to seeing your Dad and have a peaceful summer.

Thankyou regrets, That is bang on. I hope you have a lovely summer too.

sweet enjoy your picnic next week and glad you have something nice to look forward to in August & October. Was thinking of you and glad ye have that.

To give an example, my nephew who is 2 yrs 3 mths scratched his granddad's cornea last week. Although his GD was in pain and shock everyone around assured my DN that GD's eye was sore and would have to be careful for a bit, but that it's ok and was an accident, and GD still wants to play with him.

My niece of same age (twins) was caught a few weeks ago about to hit me on the face with a spade to wake up as I was snoozing on the beach and she wanted me to play! :) Again her dad stopped her gently and we all said that it's ok to want to wake her aunty up to play, but just to do it gently. That's how they should be treated and it's great you've recognised your SD's way of treating kids is bullying, and your DD with positive reinforcement from you, her dad, your dad and others will get over her shock soon .

Thankyou Grey, that is reassuring all my boy did was knock his trains of the track in a very small temper.
It didn't Warrent how he was treated, not that any behaviour would warrent that.
All he was "teaching" him was how to behave in an aggressive manor.
I will never get over that. he is such a good boy and he is so small for his age so it just made it worse for me.
He is having a go on the potty today so we are having lots of fun with that!

It doesnt matter if your DS lit a molotov cocktail and firebombed the SD slippers, the SD had NO right to scream and shout at your DS, had no right to frog march him anywhere and behave in the manner he did. Your SD is the adult here, and YOU are the parent.

My mums H once swore at my DS. I heard him from the kitchen while they were in the garden. I coughed. He swore again 5 minutes later, and I said something. He had a go at me.

These pathetic little men think they have a right to demand you do what they tell you. In fact (and the Stately Homes thread will attest to this, as I live posted from the bedroom waiting for the Police to turn up) I was actually told "Do as you are told"

I told him I was forty fucking five and didn't do what I was told any more, and that he needed to do what I said and LEAVE MY HOME.

they still didn't.

I know you feel in the wrong, this is due to the conditioning you have suffered your entire life, but seriously love, listen to everyone here and think things through, it doesn't make any sense in real life. what he did was wrong, what your mother is doing is wrong. consider this and try to accept it and perhaps you will save yourself the £45/hour it cost me to unravel it :)

Long term though, all jokes aside, you would benefit from some talking therapy.

Im glad you have a normal ExH, and that your dad is there for you. it will help you greatly.

Hissy first of all the first sentence really made me laugh, Thankyou I needed that.
Yes I have often thought of going for counselling about this issue.
I think over the years I have become reside to the fact it isn't me it is them, I know I could be a super brain surgeon, cure cancer become a multi billionaire, prime minister and it still wouldn't be good enough.
My mum always told me I was average, and a few years ago she said maybe I should've pushed you more at school (even though I actually gained a 2:1 degree in my early 20s)
She has kept me down my whole life and between her and SD they have taken or tried to take every bit of value I had in myself, every bit of worth I had.
I was very quiet as a child and got picked on a lot at school when I told my SD I was being picked on he said "if you are being bullied that's your fault" I was 10.
That just about sums it up doesn't it?
His opinion or making me believe that no matter how someone treats me it will always be my fault, was engrained into me and I think that is why I have put up with them for so many years.
Luckily for me my dad and SM were very supportive and if as a child had capped on a plate and presented it as art, they would've framed it and put it on the wall. they still have all the things I made for them in their front room, and I am 34! unfortunately I was moved 200 miles away from them to my SD home town. so my formative years were spent with SD and my mother.
I often think some talking therapy would be good for me, as I know friends who have done for similar mother issues and they found it very helpful in letting go.
They have been a huge dark cloud over me and they have put huge strain on me and my H, (ex) I think if I had cut them off sooner maybe my marriage wouldn't have been so strained to a point where he wanted out.
He was never good enough either, they made him jump through hoops, he was mocked for not having the right car, asked when he was going to start earning "mega bucks" I am so sad I didn't realise how much they were destroying us while they were destroying me too.
Oof sorry that was a long one!

that should say *crapped on a plate!

But Sweet please don't be sad - look at you now. You can see what has happened. You're changing your stance. You're in a position to tell them to fuck right off and mean it.

Sometimes coming out of the fog and into the light can be blinding, to the point of pain. But with the light comes the ability to see clearly into a beautiful future. The pain won't leave you, just as the light won't, but you adapt and learn to live with the brightness

I do hope so. Thankyou.

I have had counselling for similar parental issues. I used to think that everything was my fault and had so little self-esteem that I went from abusive relationship to abusive relationship thinking that was all I deserved and that nothing I did could be a success. The counselling has really helped. I now get where so many of the issues I have had, have come from and I feel much stronger and have better self-esteem. I can even look back at some of the situations in the past with parents and laugh at how ridiculous they were and how brainwashed I must have been to believe them. I definitely recommend the counselling.

will definitely look into that then Anon, I think my self esteem could certainly do with a boost, I actually don't think I have ever had any.

Ha ha, I hoped that would cheer you up

The crapped on a plate business is the same principle as 'We took you to stateley homes' and the thread title... It's all about image/show and what others think. It's not about you, being proud of you, or t make you feel good, it's proof they need to show others that they are good parents

Yep Hissy, they only do "nice" things e.g paying for me and DC to go to centre parcs with them. So they can tell all their friends how they have to take me away otherwise I would never get a holiday there is always a consequence to their "kindness"
It's the basic "if we throw some money at the situation" then they can treat me as they wish, my ex fil said years ago they try and buy people and use money as a weapon against them.
I don't have a great deal of money, especially after exH left and it is going to be a struggle for me financially over the next few years.
So they spend rediculous amounts of money on DC'S on toys when I am struggling to pay my basic bills(and they know this) and they just turn up with bags of toys for them knowing can't do that for them.
I now I realise it's just a way to make me feel inferior and crap about myself.
I am able to provide nice days out for DC'S but I have to save up for it, and quite honestly if I spent the afternoon building a fort with them, then we all ate our lunch inside it they prefer that than going to fancy places any day. But according to my M and SD I am not doing well enough because I don't have a big house with a massive garden for them to play in.
What I realised recently as well, (sorry for banging on) is if I said I wanted to do something like e.g years ago I got a dog and I wanted a pug, ended up with my pug cross, what did they do? bought a pedigree pug.
I wanted to dig up my patio and lay a lawn but would have to save up to do it. what did they do? dug their patio up and put a lawn in within days of me saying this.
I was saving up for a new TV as mine was ancient, the day I mentioned I was doing that, the next day they went out and dropped a couple of thousand on a top of the range ginormous TV.
Those are just three examples but they have done this for a very long time.
so wierd.

Gosh, they really do have Issues, don't they?

If you were a mean person you could have some fun with that, actually. Pretend you're saving up for all sorts of crap you don't really want. They'd end up spending a fortune.

Yes, tell them you're going to save up for your dream of owning a giraffe or going on holiday to North Korea or something! Chin up, you're doing well.

ha Ha! both of those suggestions are golden!

I sense the same jealousy issues with my mother as you have with yours, but yours are way more extreme!

Somehow we are resented. Do you have any brothers or sisters? Were you the first? Or only child? You say you get on with your dad, did your DM see you as taking attention away from her?

Now she has this man she married in her life, who has no feelings for you as he's only a step dad (and a selfish, piss poor one at that) he resents your presence in his wife's life. So they have the perfect storm relationship to ensure you are treated like shit. But they are self aware enough to know that they have to stage the caring shit otherwise people would think they are monsters.

The stories my DM would tell about me and my reality were very different things.

Sounds very similar Hissy, the recollection of events for my mother are very different than actual reality too, she only "remembers" events as she sees fit.
I am the second child, have an older brother.
It's rediculous someone just knocked on my door as I was actually scared incase it was them.

I know love, we were the same. After my ex left it took years for us to feel safe, all undone by a stupid old woman and her vile h.

2 years on I won't let him answer the door without checking with me first, and never if unexpected.

10 years I was with an abusive man. Not once did the police come to my door. Because of them I had a domestic violence incident registered, had to tell the school etc. I'll never forgive them for that. I gave her a chance to make it up. She never mentioned a thing, carried on in her la la la land and then imposed herself on me again. Or tried to. That was it for me.

No more. I'm NC. And i told her to stay away from us too.

Ah, yes, you mentioned a brother.. Interesting that you are the 2nd... But you are the first female that came along ... I think it's that we compete for attention or they perceive we do.

Bloody hell Hissy, our stories sound so similar.
I am sorry you have gone through this its awful, I just dread when my DD goes back to school as they have been known to drive past when I have been walking her and stopped the car, they would just turn up all smiles and la la bullshit, then my DD will be excited to see them and it puts me in an awful position.
It's funny as my DS has never liked my M, he would never go to her, didn't want her ever to talk to him, he's obviously a good judge of character.
Yes, only girl I have two older SB'S too, SD kids and we were always being pitted against eachother.
I haven't seen my B for three years now after he went NC with my M and tarred me with the same brush and stopped speaking to me too.
They made up and he never spoke to me again, which she loved. and took great pleasure in telling me all about him and my nieve who I haven't seen since she was 5 weeks old.
My B has had mental health issues all of his life and I am in no doubt it is down to M.

niece not nieve.

You did the right thing !! Well done for standing up for your son. He has no right to discipline him like that and especially not for just throwing some trains. Toddlers don't always want their personal space invaded and to be played with by someone they don't know that well. Add to that they cannot really empathise with others until they are much much older. He was just showing he didn't want your stepdad near him in the only way he knew how. How dare your SD grab him, shout at him & take him off outside like that. I would have exploded if I'd have seen anyone discipline my DD like that. I'm livid for you even thinking about it. That is insane and abusive, completely out of line what he did ! Cancel the holiday and Show her this thread.... if she thinks what he did was ok she is a terrible Grandma and Mother to you as well.
Don't spend anymore time with him, he needs to have consequences for his actions otherwise he will undermine you as a mother and do something similar again and again. Especially when you are in such a vulnerable position having had your H just leave, how awful of him and your Mum. I'm so sorry you had to go through this horrible situation. But well done for standing up for your son. Lioness Mama !!

Thankyou eepie.

Sorry to disagree eepie but don't show your DM this thread OP - this is your place to get support! You really don't want those two stalking you on MN and posting against you.