I cannot believe what has just happened.

[Sweetsecret]

I just had a visit from my mum and step father.
My 2 year old DS, was playing with his trains and my stepdad sat down to play with him, and my DS didnt want him to and he threw some of trains off the track. my step dad then grabbed my DS picked him up and started shouting at him took him out of the house started walking down the street shouting at him telling him he was a naughty boy.
I went to the front door and told him to bring him back and he refused. so I walked down the street to get him.
I went back into the house and my sd started shouting at me telling me I wasn't doing a decent job at raising him, that I didn't know what I was doing. I said I was doing the best that I could (my H left me a few months ago, so it has been an incredibly difficult time for me and both my DC'S. he said I wasn't trying hard enough.
I then told them to leave and they both left.
I called my mum 20 mins later as we are supposed to be all going on holiday on Monday and she blamed me. She aways takes his side on everything anyway.
I am absolutely stunned that this has happened, in front of both of my children.
I don't know what to do I just feel like I have no one now, everyone has just abandoned me.
I just saw red when I saw someone walking off with my son yelling at him.
I don't know what to do. I feel like I have been hanging on by a thread for the last few months as it is, and now the only two people I had have not only called me a bad mother but have yelled at my two year old son in front of his sister who is 5. And it is somehow my fault.

[Sweetsecret]

Something really upsetting just happened, I told my DD that her dad was taking her to the cinema on sunday, she just came down staires crying saying I don't want daddy to take me cause he is a man, I want you to take me because you are a lady. so that dick head SD has made her frightened of men!
I explained that there are plenty of men who are kind and lovely like her dad and he other grandads and she seemed okay after that. I am fuming that she feels like that.

[Hissy]

I'm so glad you are not going to CP, you'd be utterly vulnerable to them, and again beholden to them.

Normal people would be mortified that they had upset you/your dc.

Normal people would be rushing to ask you what they can do to reassure you.

Normal people would not be harassi you, demanding an apology and guilt tripping you.

It is THEIR fault that you now can't go, they have put you in an impossible situation and are refusing to see this.

You can't win with these people, they don't play by any agreed rules, they win at every cost.

You, your children, your family are collateral damage to them in pursuit of their self reflected brilliance.

I can't believe the h wrote the letter to your dad!

Thank god you have a normal parent to make it up to you somehow.

My dad is as self obsessed as my mother, I have neither of them in my life now.

You have done the right thing by your dc, you are not your mother.

Can you see this? You are a great mum!

I wish you were closer so I could give you a hug!

[Hissy]

Oh love, it's just a reaction to the shock and trauma. It's to be expected. It will pass.

Can your ex help?

Remind your dd how much daddy loves her and how sad he is too about to what has happened.

Reassure her that you kept her safer, and will continue to do so, and so will her dad.

[lem73]

So sorry to read about what happened and I feel terrible that your dcs will miss out on the holiday but you must not go with them. Please stand your ground with these toxic people. You need to focus on building your confidence following your split. They will only sap it because that will keep you feeling dependent on them. Your children are absolutely not safe with him. Personally I would have called the police. He assaulted a child ffs.

[Jux]

Is there any way that your ex can come over tomorrow and take her for an ice cream or something, to ensure that she sees a nice kind man asap to negate the bad image she seems to have right now. Nip it in the bud and don't let it become a generalisation.

Poor little thing, it must be very confusing for her, and as upsetting as it is for you, it must have been just as upsetting for them too. They will be fine, but their world needs to be reset to normal, with just the exception of one set of gps.

[Sweetsecret]

Thankyou so much Hissy your words are such a comfort. I will be better off and so will my DC.

[Sweetsecret]

lem and Jux, you are both right, people have been saying it to me for years but I always felt guilty now I know it's what they did to me.
I don't need them in my life. luckily exH was here when she came downstairs he had come to bring me some flu tablets as I am poorly as hell! blurgh. so he was able to reassure her I will try and convince her to go to the cinema with her dad instead of me. Even though I really want to go, it's the minnion movie for gods sake, it looks brilliant
I spoke to my dad and he said he would call her tomorrow and have a chat with her about her day.

[LondonRocks]

This latest development is a chance to reinforce in your DC that mummy won't stand for shit from nasty men (or anyone), but that she entrusts the right people.

Your SD is an absolute fuckwit.

[Sweetsecret]

Yeah London I was quite frank with her, and said it wasn't kind to upset people and to shout at people and that is why we weren't going with them.
She was so distressed when she saw her baby brother being taken out of the front door while being shouted at.
I don't think she would want to see him again now anyway, she called him a bad man.
and she is right.

[LondonRocks]

It's great that you have reinforced that message. You should be really proud.

Your children will learn all sorts of things from you by the way you'be handled this.

[Whodathink1t]

I know it's not the same thing, but I extricated myself from an abusive relationship only when I saw the effect the ex's behaviour had on a dog we were sitting. I was so used to treading on eggshells, I'd forgotten to warn the dog. It was only when I saw her cowering after an episode that I realised that this was not normal. It seems that the incident with your DS has caused the scales to fall from your eyes. This behaviour was normalised to you from an early age, I'm just heartily glad that you've seen it for what it is. You will probably see the world in a whole different shade of colours from now on - a bit like in the Wizard of Oz, where it goes from black & white to multicolour.

Please keep posting

[LondonRocks]

You've

[peacefuleasyfeeling]

Hurrah for you! You stood up to a bully without missing a beat, without a second's thought of anything other than doing right by your son. Awesome you! I feel sorry for your mum who for some reason is under this twerp's spell.

[goddessofsmallthings]

Both of your dc have been traumatised by your stepfather's abusive behaviour and it will take time for them to recover.

From your dd's reaction it would seem that at least she wasn't subjected to witnessing any such scenes on those occasions where he/your m was caring for them. Neverthless, I would suggest you gently question her as to whether she's seen him behave like that before and contrast his behaviour with that of her daddy who, unlike your sf, is a kind man who would never scare or harm children.

You can also give her reassurance by using dolls to represent the 5 of you and encourage her to tell the story in her own words while you make the appropriate responses and create the happy ending wherein there's nothing to fear because you told the nasty man to leave.

Don't be surprised if she depicts you as Wonderwoman who stepped in and literally kicked the arse of the villain out of your house because it will be therapeutic for her to let her imagination run riot while verbalising her fears.

Although he may not yet have the vocabulary to fully express himself, your little ds can join in too and the 3 of you can do a victory dance at having triumphed over a nasty and unkind man - followed by the customary celebratory treat

While your ds may not recall the event in his later years, I would expect it to stay in your dd's memory and it won't be be necessary for you to explain why she doesn't see her maternal gps when she's older.

Here's to the joy of no contact and the much happier life you're going to have

[Norest]

I am so sorry this happened, but i wanted to echo what others have said here about how you have behaved. It is awful your children were upset, but the way you have dealt with things, by protecting them, showing a reasonable emotional reaction and explaining why you felt that way, as well as ressuring them and getting their dad to come and also be supportive?

You are one kick-ass mother an your chidren are lucky to have you.

They will have learned even more trust in you and resilience from this.

[Sweetsecret]

goddess it is Wierd you say that as just after I threw them out, she went upstairs and came back down dressed in her superwoman costume and said we could both be super hero's!

[Sweetsecret]

And thank you everyone as well, I am struggling to keep up! Ha. what you all say is true, I hate the fact that my DD will remember this episode, I didn't like her seeing me shouting back at SD but I just lost my cool. I went into crazy protective mother mode.
She was okay when I put her to bed, I promised we could have a "midnight" feast next week (well it will probably 9pm, but hey she doesn't know) so she is excited about that.

[Sweetsecret]

I tell you what as well, I need to keep hold of this thread, as if I start to feel guilty or manage to convince myself I overeacted which is something they are great making me feel, I will read it back and remember I did the right thing.

[LondonRocks]

I hate the fact that my DD will remember this episode

She'll remember it for the right reasons.

Superwoman and supergirl

[goddessofsmallthings]

Aw that is so cute! Your dd is in the years of magical thinking where all things are possible - including midnight striking at 9pm. It's such a shame we grow out it because imagination is the mother of invention.

Encourage your dd to give full rein to her imagination and she'll be able to process this event quickly and will learn the valuable lesson that females can be strong and resolute and don't have to tolerate unacceptable behaviour from men, or women for that matter.

I hope you realise that if you don't learn your lesson from this thread, you'll be required to embroider every word of it on a succession of cushions while the imps of hell prod you with short sharp sticks.

[Sweetsecret]

ha ha Goddess! read through it all again this morning as woke up feeling guilty. It's how it always goes with me.
But I just need to keep reminding myself that it was so wrong.

[Anniegetyourgun]

Just think of your little boy's terrified face and ask yourself how could you be expected to have done any different. Then think of your little girl... and then yourself as a little girl. These are people who should not have a hand in the upbringing of children.

[Sweetsecret]

Thankyou Annie, I needed that. One of my main problems is that I doubt myself constantly, and that's no doubt their doing.

[Hissy]

I'll never forget the colour of my ds face, he went yellow with fear.

The issue with these people is that they only ever expect you to just put up with it, and by demanding an apology and guilt tripping you, carrying on as normal, bombarding you with la la la lovely calls, completely ignoring the enormous elephant tap dancing in the middle of the room, the expectation is that you "get over yourself" , "suck it up", and allow them back in your life. TO DO IT ALL AGAIN AT SOME POINT.

The only way to stay strong is to remind ourselves of the absurd actions they've chosen to make. It's like peeling your own skin off, again, again and again. There isn't another way sadly

Eventually it stops hurting so much, but what happened this week, and to me, is unacceptable.

If a friend did, even half of it, that's it game over.

Family need to treat us better than friends somehow. In my experience though... Friends (both known and unknown) are what saves us.

The other thing I struggle with is that everyone else in the family carry on as normal, no one pulls them up or asks them wtf?

[Sweetsecret]

hit the nail on the head again Hissy. Most of my friends are more like family these days.