Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I cannot believe what has just happened.

219 replies

Sweetsecret · 15/07/2015 17:59

I just had a visit from my mum and step father.
My 2 year old DS, was playing with his trains and my stepdad sat down to play with him, and my DS didnt want him to and he threw some of trains off the track. my step dad then grabbed my DS picked him up and started shouting at him took him out of the house started walking down the street shouting at him telling him he was a naughty boy.
I went to the front door and told him to bring him back and he refused. so I walked down the street to get him.
I went back into the house and my sd started shouting at me telling me I wasn't doing a decent job at raising him, that I didn't know what I was doing. I said I was doing the best that I could (my H left me a few months ago, so it has been an incredibly difficult time for me and both my DC'S. he said I wasn't trying hard enough.
I then told them to leave and they both left.
I called my mum 20 mins later as we are supposed to be all going on holiday on Monday and she blamed me. She aways takes his side on everything anyway.
I am absolutely stunned that this has happened, in front of both of my children.
I don't know what to do I just feel like I have no one now, everyone has just abandoned me.
I just saw red when I saw someone walking off with my son yelling at him.
I don't know what to do. I feel like I have been hanging on by a thread for the last few months as it is, and now the only two people I had have not only called me a bad mother but have yelled at my two year old son in front of his sister who is 5. And it is somehow my fault.

OP posts:
Hissy · 15/07/2015 19:40

Makes you wonder what this man has said during those cold down walks out of your earshot.

Hepzibar · 15/07/2015 19:40

He's a bully. He clearly thinks he's now in charge of you and the DC's.

He would not come within a mile of my DC's ever again.

You have done the right thing OP - protect your family from this arse.

Original poster
Sweetsecret · 15/07/2015 19:50

Yeah makes me wonder now Hissy. Sad

OP posts:
DoJo · 15/07/2015 19:52

He sounds like a complete twat, and the fact that he thinks its his place to comment on your parenting when he can't control his own temper suggests that he is completely delusional about his 'parenting' abilities as well. Your kids will be better off without him in their lives, as will you - you are obviously doing a great job of keeping things amicable with your ex and transitioning to single-parent-dom, so don't let him ruin your hard work by bringing his dickishness into your house.

Original poster
Sweetsecret · 15/07/2015 19:54

Yes hep, he is very overbearing when we see them, as is my M, I am basically frozen out they undermine me all the time, in front of the children. so much so I don't invite them over for birthdays Xmas etc, as I would never get a look in with my own children.

OP posts:
Original poster
Sweetsecret · 15/07/2015 19:56

Thankyou dojo.

OP posts:
sensiblesometimes · 15/07/2015 19:59

You can't go on holiday with them ...your children are disciplined by you because you are their mum..anyone else has to respect that and that includes your parents or sd . They have no right to undermine you....and to treat a two yr old in such a physical way is very shocking and frightening for you and your children.

WandaFuca · 15/07/2015 21:00

I started to RTFT carefully, to see if anyone else picked up the vibe I immediately got from your op - and hiding said it better. I detest these supremely self-confident men who think that "the little woman" needs a man to tell her what to do.

Your mother sounds equally dysfunctional, and selfish.

But you only need one person in real life to support you in standing up for your children. You don't have to say why your ex is an ex, but if he's willing to step up to the mark in protecting his children then he's the man that your children need.

You also have the army of MN vipers to support you in cutting out your mother and stepfather from your children's lives. Your SD's behaviour was horrendous, and it won't get any better if you allow further contact, because he'll assume that you've accepted his "superiority".

My DGS is a little bit younger than your DS, and if anyone behaved that way to DGS I'd be hounding them into an early grave. Good grief, your DS is a 2 year old, not a performing monkey.

Original poster
Sweetsecret · 15/07/2015 21:08

You're right Wanda, My ex is here at the moment and backs me 100%, the way he behaved and the way my M behaved afterwards just shows what terrible people they are.
we have had our Fallings out over the years, one I remember when I was 12 when he told me my mother didn't love me and she didnt correct him.
It always happens, he does something horrendous then is fine for sometimes for a few years, then it happens again.
it's only now I realise how much I have put up with from the both of them.

OP posts:
coconutpie · 15/07/2015 21:19

Wow, I am gobsmacked. Your stepfather sounds like a nasty piece of crap and your mother is no better for standing by him. I would never allow your DC alone in their care from now on and I would be freezing them out of your lives tbh - that is unforgiveabke what he did. Your DS is only 2, he's still a BABY!!!! That is just awful what he did.

Jux · 15/07/2015 21:38

Is your mother standing by him, or is she completely cowed by him? Does he beat her to shit in between them seeing you?

It wouldn't surprise me, he's a bully and he won't be satisfied by bullying you once in a while and your children from time to time.

Sorry to add to your upset, but I doubt that he's nice to your mum.

Jen1610 · 15/07/2015 21:56

My step dad has been an absolute arse to me over the years. Lots of really bad stuff. My mum's still with him. He's a jekyll and Hyde and it's ended up I'm now basically nc with him and only see my mum on the very rare occasion she pops in here for ten mins on way home from work.

I just wasn't willing to put my children at risk of seeing or putting up with some of the things he had done previously.

You did the right thing. Your ex supporting you is also great.

Where are you meant to be going Monday and for how long?

Thisismyfirsttime · 15/07/2015 22:02

It really struck me that in one sentence you said that you feel like everyone's abandoned you and in the next you said that you saw red at sd treating your son like that.
I can't articulate it very well but bloody well done, your son will not feel abandoned because he has YOU standing up for him and means so much more than some horrible bastard being nasty to him and your own mother (which must hurt you) not standing up for him/ taking your side.
Well done that mum! Thanks

ducksong · 15/07/2015 22:08

That is a disgusting way to treat a young child. You protected your child like any good mum would have. If I was in that situation, there would be no way I would let them have any further contact with my child.

Original poster
Sweetsecret · 15/07/2015 22:11

I don't think he beats her or anything, but she has never stood up for me against him. he treats her like a queen, sickingly actually, and she has become accustomed to the lifestyle they have, so would never leave him.
We were due to go to centre parcs for four days, my DD has been counting the days down she is devastated, I bought her a new swimming cotume to go with etc. it's so sad. we have been on holiday before and had a great time with them, then I realised that when my ex H was with us, he wouldn't dare pull that in front of him.
My mum offered to take me and I could go alone with the kids (as I don't drive), but I am not sure I even want to see her when she can't even see how horrendous that behaviour was.

OP posts:
SirNiallDementia · 15/07/2015 22:23

I highly recommend going no contact with these sorts of people.

Although it seems terrifying, it is the only way to remove this sort of damaging influence from your children's lives.

I've done the same with my parents. I put up with their crap for years but it was only when I realised they were treating my kids the same way that I knew I had to cut them off.

Hissy · 15/07/2015 22:40

No, no centre parks , no contact with your mum either

Shrivelleddate · 15/07/2015 22:43

Vile bully.
Exactly he wouldn't have behaved like that if your ex was present so why is it ok to undermine your discipline approach with a massive overreaction. Misogynous twat.
Well done for tackling him. Keep these people at arms length away from you and your children.

Shrivelleddate · 15/07/2015 22:44

Do something nice with kids instead. Plenty of day trips that are cheap x

TendonQueen · 15/07/2015 22:46

Is there any other way you could get there, if you went alone with the kids? Train, then taxi? Would your ex or a friend drive you for petrol money?

Original poster
Sweetsecret · 15/07/2015 23:03

I don't think I could get there under my own steam.
I can't afford it for one. no one to drive me either. what a Fucking mess. I am so mad for my DD she has been through so damn much and now this. she has looked forward to this break for months, counting down and everything.
I am sick of other people's actions affecting my children so much.

OP posts:
LindyHemming · 15/07/2015 23:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Notgrumpyjustquiet · 15/07/2015 23:09

OP you say you feel abandoned NOW because of this 'episode' from your SF today but reading through your posts I can't help thinking you were abandoned by your mother and him a LONG TIME AGO except they were still in your life undermining you. I'd go for a period of NC until such time as you feel you have the relationship with them back on your terms (i.e. they offer moral support at the very least and any practical support you wish to accept). That might be for a few weeks or forever but at least you won't have all the self doubt. Forget the holiday. Don't even answer your phone if your mother rings. Brush the incident under the carpet for the sake of your older child (Grandad must have been feeling cross because he had a headache or something) and if funds allow, get them to the seaside for a few days and buy them all the ice cream and rides that they want. Regroup with them, you're doing great by the sound if it. Flowers

goddessofsmallthings · 15/07/2015 23:09

Your sf and dm are clearly not trustworthy and if they suggested that you could holiday alone with your dc and you were able to find someone to drive you both ways, I suspect you'd be on tenterhooks in case they turned up.

In addition, if they've paid for this break you may feel obligated to them - which would be exactly what they want.

Original poster
Sweetsecret · 15/07/2015 23:34

Yeah that's a good point didn't think of them turning up. I just asked exH if he wanted to come as we are on good terms but he can have the time off as someone else is already on holiday. So, don't know what to do. I think I might see if I can go get there somehow. I don't think they would dare turn up.
I am done now with contact, I am going to a family wedding in Aug which they will be at, so not looking forward to that now. but I am not going to let them intimidate me anymore. you are all so bang on with what you all say. She abandoned me a long time ago, thankgod I have my dad and sm, unfortunately they live hundreds of miles away.

OP posts: