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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

porn and our future

460 replies

myluckystars · 09/07/2015 19:37

I have been married to dh for 4 years and we have a toddler. Before we got engaged I came home to my flat which we were sharing at the time to find him watching porn on the computer. He wasn't expecting me home for another few hours so was doing this in secret. I have strong feelings about porn and don't like it for a multitude of reasons. I was very upset at the time and told him if it happened again the relationship was over, he seemed very upset by my being upset and that was it (we had a very good sex life btw). We carried on together and got engaged, then married, I trusted him. When out baby was 6 months I caught him again and literally an hour before I caught him I had asked him if he ever did it and he looked me in eye and promised no but then I caught him practically straight after. I realised that probably all the times he had been up late at night while I was going to bed early to get up with baby, he had probably been watching porn and then getting up early and moaning about being tired. Anyway, I was furious and said if it happened again it would be divorce. So 3 years on so far so good although can I ever trust him again on it is my thought. We barely ever have sex because it has been a huge turn-off for me and I have trouble respecting him after him lying to my face.

Fast forward to now and there is a man at work who I have developed feelings for who I am sure feels the same. Nothing has ever happened and I have been very careful to not let my feelings slip out and I feel guilty because I am married. Part of me feels it is not a marriage anymore anyway and surely I deserve to be happy.

OP posts:
AuntyMag10 · 09/07/2015 19:39

You are pathetically trying to blame your dh for you wanting to cheat. Hmm

AnyoneForTennis · 09/07/2015 19:41

Chances are this new man also enjoys porn. Many do!

Janette123 · 09/07/2015 19:48

"We barely ever have sex because it has been a huge turn-off for me and I have trouble respecting him after him lying to my face."

So why aren't you either trying to fix this by using a medium called communication, or pulling the plug on this marriage?

Starting an affair to solve marriage problems, is like firebombing your house because the kitchen tap is leaking.

Please come back into the real world and start taking responsibility.

Original poster
myluckystars · 09/07/2015 19:48

No not at all, I would never have an affair. It has made me realise I could be happy again in a relationship, I have a very unusual job and meeting this man feels like a one-off. I don't think all men watch porn and I certainly don't think all men lie.

OP posts:
nequidnimis · 09/07/2015 20:25

You don't respect your DH, impose rules he is expected to adhere to without discussion or compromise, and now find yourself attracted to someone else.

If you can't be arsed communicating with your DH, or agreeing steps to improve your relationship, then leave him so that you're both free to find someone who makes you happy.

I think you'll be hard pressed to find a guy who never uses porn tbh, but maybe you'll strike lucky.

chocfireguard · 09/07/2015 20:26

Men are men. They watch porn. Your expectations of him are unrealistic, such that he cannot possibly meet them. You are cutting off your nose to spite your face.

chocfireguard · 09/07/2015 20:28

Can you just ask him to be truthful, rather than ban him outright? Porn is never a slur on the woman, or an indication that they are not satisfied. It is just part of male sexual lust. No matter how great, varied and frequent the sex life, they will watch it for other reasons.

AnyFucker · 09/07/2015 20:30

wow, this thread is a great juxtaposition of "men! horrid porn watchers!" and "come help me excuse my cheating"

it could run to double the amount of goady fuckers rocking up Smile

PeppermintPasty · 09/07/2015 20:32

Did you mean to word your second paragraph that way op? I was with you up til then Grin

Joysmum · 09/07/2015 20:35

If porn is a deal breaker for you then break the deal.

He's clearly wanting porn more than he wants to meet your boundaries as you've made it clear but just issued idle threats.

Don't end your marriage because you seek happiness false where, end your marriage because it's not meeting your needs. Everything else should come way down the line.

Fearless91 · 09/07/2015 20:38

Hold on - you say you disagree with porn and would divorce your H if you caught him watching it again but here you are having feelings for someone else? Hmm shouldn't it be your H threatening to divorce you?!

Fair enough you disagree with porn - that's fine. Everyone is different.

You say you aren't sleeping with your H - why not? I think you both need to communicate.

But honestly, if you don't want to sleep with your H for whatever reason I don't think you can complain when he turns to porn...

And I especially don't think you can moan about him watching porn when you're falling for somebody else! (and when you don't have sex with him)

Sighing · 09/07/2015 20:38

Has your DH looked for some of the modern 'ethical' porn where wages are fair, consent is key?
You cannot lay all blame with your DH for your collapsed marriage & trust. You don't match on values which you knew prior to your engagement. Not a deal breaker for him but one you've kept as an ace up your sleeve?
If you can't deal with the porn you need to leave for that reason.

FuckYouChrisAndThatHorse · 09/07/2015 20:40

AF :o

Yes, men have to have porn or they explode because they have sexual desire even though porn wasn't really available to the masses pre-modernity . Women don't have sexual desire in the same way so they somehow manage not to spontaneously combust.

Or maybe, some men and women like porn, some men and women don't like porn, some men and women regardless of preference don't use porn due to their issues with its making.

Phew!

But in response to the op, leave him. You're not happy, you don't trust him. Once trust is gone the relationship is over. You're not compatible. I wouldn't be with a man who watched porn. That's my line in the sand. It's ok to decide that. Find someone who thinks the same way, or enjoy being single without that worry.

WhySoAngry · 09/07/2015 20:48

Men. Watch. Porn. Not all. But most. Men. Lie. Not all. But most.

When you give a man who likes porn an ultimatum he won't stop watching it.
He'll just try harder not to get caught.

Your DH will continue watching porn, OP, and you can either accept that or move on - in the hope of finding one of the few men who don't enjoy porn.

Sleepsoftly · 09/07/2015 20:50

There's something not right about this OP. It feels contrived.

AnyFucker · 09/07/2015 20:57

no....shooly not ?

DorisDazzler · 09/07/2015 21:00

There's been 2 incidents of porn viewing in your entire time together. If the porn was that big of a problem you would have left the second time. You say three years on and so far so good. It now seems to be justification for you to indulge your feelings for someone else. If your certain he feels the same way then something HAS happened despite your statement that it hasn't.

Trade in the man who's watched porn twice for the letch sniffing around a married women. That will solve your trust problems.

Lagoonablue · 09/07/2015 21:03

Porn has so much to answer for! So many threads on MN about it. I don't like it. Î think DH has watched it but not recently. It's not a deal breaker but don't want that stuff on the computer my kids do their homework on!

I think though that men just like it. Would say all the single men I know use it because they can. The ones in relationships use it less but just because their partners don't like it.

It is a messy business.

Offred · 10/07/2015 03:45

Ok so the first time you caught him watching porn you became aware that he was someone who watches porn. You said if you would leave him if it happened again then got engaged and married, caught him again and then said again if it happened again you would divorce him?

There is nothing at all crazy about being strongly against porn but really you just handled this whole things badly. He is someone who likes porn, that is who he is. You very strongly disagree with porn - you just can't keep throwing ultimatums at him and then not carrying them out.

You should have talked it over and explained your feelings, listened to his and then decided whether you wanted to continue the relationship the first time it happened.

It's not surprising it has come to this point now really.

textfan · 10/07/2015 03:54

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

daisychain01 · 10/07/2015 04:11

I struggle with the Most men watch porn generalisation because it is just that, a generalisation. Impossible to validate so unhelpful.

The point is that your DH does habitually watch porn and it affects your life together. If it were me he would never have got past 1st base even if everything else about him was great. That's my deal breaker. But you did so you " cant take the milk out of the cappuccino" But you can change the next stage of your life by not compromising on your hate of porn and taking steps to split with him.

The other bloke you have picked up on is a distraction. Don't change your life for someone else, change it for you, because you want to live without the compromise of catching your DH at his computer staring at someone else's tits when he should be in bed with you.

dangerrabbit · 10/07/2015 04:18

Welcome to MN, OP.

Seriouslyffs · 10/07/2015 04:33

Well, that last paragraph was a surprise.

HidingFromDD · 10/07/2015 06:44

You're following the script...

Original poster
myluckystars · 10/07/2015 08:12

In what way can I be more flexible? I disagree with porn and find its use a turn off, that is a fundamental to me. I think when we were dating I believed him when he said it was something he could take or leave and everything else was fantastic so the relationship continued. Do people think it's a high expectation that your husband doesn't lie to your face?

I have stayed and tried to keep working on it and have grown tired of not much sex and my feelings about him lying but have stayed because we took vows. However, in marriage vows it says to foresake all others, how does looking at women's bits online keep to that vow? Out of nowhere I have these feelings for this other man and have no intention on acting on them because I am married but aren't I a deluded fool for being so loyal to someone who watches porn and lies. Perhaps I could be happier elsewhere and that is what this man has reminded me of.

BTW I am an old mumsnetter, I just namechanged.

OP posts: