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Original poster

porn and our future

460 replies

myluckystars · 09/07/2015 19:37

I have been married to dh for 4 years and we have a toddler. Before we got engaged I came home to my flat which we were sharing at the time to find him watching porn on the computer. He wasn't expecting me home for another few hours so was doing this in secret. I have strong feelings about porn and don't like it for a multitude of reasons. I was very upset at the time and told him if it happened again the relationship was over, he seemed very upset by my being upset and that was it (we had a very good sex life btw). We carried on together and got engaged, then married, I trusted him. When out baby was 6 months I caught him again and literally an hour before I caught him I had asked him if he ever did it and he looked me in eye and promised no but then I caught him practically straight after. I realised that probably all the times he had been up late at night while I was going to bed early to get up with baby, he had probably been watching porn and then getting up early and moaning about being tired. Anyway, I was furious and said if it happened again it would be divorce. So 3 years on so far so good although can I ever trust him again on it is my thought. We barely ever have sex because it has been a huge turn-off for me and I have trouble respecting him after him lying to my face.

Fast forward to now and there is a man at work who I have developed feelings for who I am sure feels the same. Nothing has ever happened and I have been very careful to not let my feelings slip out and I feel guilty because I am married. Part of me feels it is not a marriage anymore anyway and surely I deserve to be happy.

OP posts:
Jan45 · 10/07/2015 10:36

I get what you mean Lucky, it's like, you'd rather put that crap before my feelings about it, says it all really, and yes, when you get to be a grown man surely the real deal is better than watching what is effectively the porn industry's fake view of what having sex is all about.

I would also say, youngsters watching porn has been proven to be very damaging for their mental well being, it's not needed, it's not helpful, and it distorts their view of what a proper, healthy sex life entails.

StaircaseAtTheUniversity · 10/07/2015 10:40

I know a lot of people on here hugely disagree- and yes, I agree that ethically porn isn't great- BUT it's just videos. It's not him having an affair or cheating on you at all.

If your marriage is over then split up but it seems silly that it's over what are essentially just some videos.

PeppermintPasty · 10/07/2015 10:43

But the op's view on porn is clear! No amount of telling her how silly she is is going to change that!!

OooMatron · 10/07/2015 10:46

Ah so he watches porn - so you should definitely have an affair to even things up Hmm

nequidnimis · 10/07/2015 10:48

Offred, you're putting words in my mouth and have no idea what my views are.

In any disagreement, particularly one with the potential to end a marriage, I would always try to understand the other person's point of view, if only to make the process more amicable.

I don't understand what point you're trying to make with the reference to footballers and plastered girls.

ofshoes · 10/07/2015 10:51

If the main problem with pornography is that it exploits those involved does this mean that dodgy anime cartoon porn is ethically ok? I'd be infinitely more disturbed about finding someone watching that to be honest.

Jan45 · 10/07/2015 10:52

Mmm, wouldn't it be interesting if women were using porn regularly (yes I know some do), you never hear a man complaining, funny how we can manage a good sex life without that on the side, why can't they - I don't believe it's because of their in built need to see or have sex, I think it's basically years of men having their own way with women coming second best.

Original poster
myluckystars · 10/07/2015 10:55

Thing is I couldn't care less about his point of view, I said never again and he agreed, then lied, twice. He didn't have to agree he could have said he wanted to keep watching porn and we could have ended it there and then. The shame is otherwise he is a wonderful husband and father, supportive, kind, generous, works hard, would never have an actual affair (ironic!), makes good money, responsible.... the list goes on. Other man to be fair is of questionable morals by trying to carve out time alone with me as a married woman, I have so far rebuffed all his attempts, but am tempted after feeling disillusioned by this marriage. What a mess Sad

OP posts:
Offred · 10/07/2015 10:58

Ofshoes - No because it still leads to exploitation of women by promoting porn's generally very objectifying view of women.

Nequidnimis - if someone has crossed a boundary that is relationship ending what is the point in trying to understand their side of things? You only need to understand their side of things if you are considering compromise and reconciliation.

Offred · 10/07/2015 11:02

And it's not a disagreement. He has never had the balls to have the disagreement. Instead he has just decided he is more important than the op and he can do what he wants. And you are minimising this behaviour, calling it a disagreement and saying she should try and understand that he thinks it's normal. I think she does understand that he thinks that.

The point about footballers was that thinking something is normal doesn't mean it is ok.

nequidnimis · 10/07/2015 11:33

OP, I think it's interesting that you have such a low opinion of your DH because he secretly watches porn (despite his other rather good qualities) yet find yourself tempted by someone who is pursuing a married woman and has, as you say, questionable morality.

I think you need to separate the two issues : end your marriage before considering any other relationship.

Threefishys · 10/07/2015 11:38

OP, you said never again...then carried on. So yeh, if you've got a basically perfect bloke (congrats) but you can't accept he sometimes watches porn then by all means swap him in for an unknown quantity (who probably watches it too). Or be on your own until Mr absolutely perfect for Lucky in all ways turns up.

Threefishys · 10/07/2015 11:38

Very informative Offred cheers.

Jan45 · 10/07/2015 11:40

I'd be there are more problems in the marriage than just his porn use - to develop feelings for another man would indicate to me that you are very unhappy with your partner, you either sit down and try and fix the problems together or you call it a day, don't fall into the trap of using another man as your get out clause.

Offred · 10/07/2015 11:41

Oh the "you'll be without a man if you don't put up with this shit" threat!!

Novel... Hmm

Even if it were true, women are still valid members of society without being in a relationship with a man... 'T ain't the 1950s anymore....

Threefishys · 10/07/2015 11:43

And Lucky , perhaps your DH thinks you're the perfect wife too, the shame being you want him to live by your rules or else threats to terminate relationship. In which case definitely you're better off separate.

WhySoAngry · 10/07/2015 11:43

Sorted, then. OP LTB because he's crossed a line. Catches next DP watching porn. He says he'll stop. But doesn't. Eventually gets caught again. OP LTB because he's crossed a line. And so the world turns.

Offred · 10/07/2015 11:44

Oh and the man-disrespects-woman-and-imposes-his-choices-on-her-with-lies-reversal-by-poster one!

Threefishys · 10/07/2015 11:45

whysoangry has it on the nose. Such Is life.

Offred · 10/07/2015 11:46

And I expect any attempts to argue that other posters are in happy relationships with non-porn watchers will be met with the "all men watch porn, yours does too, he just lies about it cos you are so unreasonable about his normal man needs"....

Jan45 · 10/07/2015 11:46

I'd suspect the porn use is just the tip of the iceberg, there's more going on here.

Threefishys · 10/07/2015 11:47

Why should there be more going on? He sounds lovely. And normal.

Jan45 · 10/07/2015 11:52

To develop feelings for another man when in a marriage or a committed relationship would indicate to me that there's more wrong in the marriage than just his porn use, that's why I think there's more going on.

He sounds lovely and normal, yeah he probably is, doesn't mean there isn't other issues/problems in the marriage.

nequidnimis · 10/07/2015 11:57

Why is anyone suggesting 'there's more going on here' and 'porn is just the tip of the iceberg'?

OP doesn't sound like his biggest fan but even she describes him as 'a wonderful husband and father', followed by a list of his good qualities.

If a man posted that he was disgusted by one aspect of his (otherwise wonderful) wife, to the point of feeling tempted by a woman at work, I think he'd have been given a rougher ride than OP has been given here.

Threefishys · 10/07/2015 11:59

Fair point. I actually take an opposing view insofar as OP seems to have nothing but glowing platitudes about her DH, her one sticking point is her dislike of porn and DH's 'disobedience' in the face of her ultimatum. I think to be attracted to other people is normal. I think OP imagines that if DH steps out of line she's entitled to punish him thus - leaving for the other guy or whatever. At the end of the day I think her DH by her own admission is pretty lovely.