porn and our future

[myluckystars]

I have been married to dh for 4 years and we have a toddler. Before we got engaged I came home to my flat which we were sharing at the time to find him watching porn on the computer. He wasn't expecting me home for another few hours so was doing this in secret. I have strong feelings about porn and don't like it for a multitude of reasons. I was very upset at the time and told him if it happened again the relationship was over, he seemed very upset by my being upset and that was it (we had a very good sex life btw). We carried on together and got engaged, then married, I trusted him. When out baby was 6 months I caught him again and literally an hour before I caught him I had asked him if he ever did it and he looked me in eye and promised no but then I caught him practically straight after. I realised that probably all the times he had been up late at night while I was going to bed early to get up with baby, he had probably been watching porn and then getting up early and moaning about being tired. Anyway, I was furious and said if it happened again it would be divorce. So 3 years on so far so good although can I ever trust him again on it is my thought. We barely ever have sex because it has been a huge turn-off for me and I have trouble respecting him after him lying to my face.

Fast forward to now and there is a man at work who I have developed feelings for who I am sure feels the same. Nothing has ever happened and I have been very careful to not let my feelings slip out and I feel guilty because I am married. Part of me feels it is not a marriage anymore anyway and surely I deserve to be happy.

Hang on Offred, so suggesting she leaves is ignorant and stupid but suggesting she stays is telling her she's not allowed to feel how she feels?

Why is it always the woman who has to examine their views and compromise?

Where did I say that? Please stop triangulating, Offred. If it was her husband posting here, the same advice would apply to him.

I actually think they'd both do well to examine their own thoughts, feelings and behaviours. I do think her husband should also ask himself why he lied.... but it would be even better if they could work through these things together, as a team.

If the OP feels she's done enough analysing, that she/they have explored and examined the issue to the extent that there is nowhere left to go in that regard, or she doesn't feel her husband is worthy of her putting an effort into trying to save their marriage, or that their differences will always be too great to overcome... then yes, I suppose the only remaining option is to leave.

Personally, I feel the OP is struggling to reconcile the conflicting 'truths' that she perceives. And for me, that suggests there are some questions still to explore.

Perhaps I'm wrong, though.

I appreciate all the view and opinions, thank you everyone. Even I suggest you either shit or get off the pot which is one of the funniest expressions I've ever heard.

I suggest you either shit or get off the pot

Maybe you're constipated OP… what is your 'gut' telling you?

If he's not doing it now I could maybe move on, the problem is trust, will I ever know for sure he's not looking at porn?

will I ever know for sure he's not looking at porn?

Well we never really know for sure whether people lie to us. But have you had non-angry discussions about why you think it is so damaging? (sorry I can't remember if you already said this). Do you feel that he really 'gets' it or is saying he won't use porn again just because you think it's damaging and it upsets you but he thinks it's fine?

Say there was a way to guarantee he would never use porn again. Would that spark your sexual desire for him again? Would you then respect him again? You have to be honest with him about where you are with this, and about developing feelings for someone else I think

He hadn't thought about the exploitation inherent in it or that many people in the sex industry are or have been abused, he hadn't considered the wider ethical implications. This was a calm discussion over several days and when i reminded him these women were someones daughter and what about if our daughter did it, how would he feel about the men watching he was really struck and cried actually. He knows how it has affected our life together and how serious I am about it. I told him about man at work and he said he was glad we could talk about it and he trusts me.

Do you just not fancy him anymore?

Why is it always the woman who has to examine their views and compromise?

it's not always the woman who should have to compromise or examine her views. It's this particular case that some are suggesting the woman do so.

Leaving is really difficult but even more so when the whole world is eager to jump on you and tell you you aren't allowed to feel the way you do, want to leave or in fact leave as has happened on this thread.

do you think the hardest part of splitting is reconciling her views with the expectations of society that she's "not allowed to feel the way she does"? I doubt that. that's going to be the least of the problems.

If he's not doing it now I could maybe move on, the problem is trust, will I ever know for sure he's not looking at porn?

no, you won't. it's too easily accessible.

it's like with cheating. you basically have to trust someone not to do it.