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Original poster

porn and our future

460 replies

myluckystars · 09/07/2015 19:37

I have been married to dh for 4 years and we have a toddler. Before we got engaged I came home to my flat which we were sharing at the time to find him watching porn on the computer. He wasn't expecting me home for another few hours so was doing this in secret. I have strong feelings about porn and don't like it for a multitude of reasons. I was very upset at the time and told him if it happened again the relationship was over, he seemed very upset by my being upset and that was it (we had a very good sex life btw). We carried on together and got engaged, then married, I trusted him. When out baby was 6 months I caught him again and literally an hour before I caught him I had asked him if he ever did it and he looked me in eye and promised no but then I caught him practically straight after. I realised that probably all the times he had been up late at night while I was going to bed early to get up with baby, he had probably been watching porn and then getting up early and moaning about being tired. Anyway, I was furious and said if it happened again it would be divorce. So 3 years on so far so good although can I ever trust him again on it is my thought. We barely ever have sex because it has been a huge turn-off for me and I have trouble respecting him after him lying to my face.

Fast forward to now and there is a man at work who I have developed feelings for who I am sure feels the same. Nothing has ever happened and I have been very careful to not let my feelings slip out and I feel guilty because I am married. Part of me feels it is not a marriage anymore anyway and surely I deserve to be happy.

OP posts:
Jo4040 · 10/07/2015 15:08

Yeah I know they are different, but just ask your OH to sort them out, and if she's not in the mood then he should sort himself out and think about his OTHER half, and if he wants to think about someone else then that's really up to him. There is nothing you can do about that and you wouldnt know anyway.But to actually go and look blatently at other women is cheating. But that's just my opinion it is.

Branleuse · 10/07/2015 15:08

youve stopped sleeping with him because you caught him watching porn once or twice. Hes still not allowed to watch it, and not have sex either obviously, and now youre interested in a different man at work?

Ok.

PushingThru · 10/07/2015 15:10

You know nothing about women!
Not all men watch porn!
Some women do!

PushingThru · 10/07/2015 15:12

That was to Angry, obviously!

Jo4040 · 10/07/2015 15:12

Yh its fine to watch porn when your in a relationship and your BOTH into it or the other person has said they don't mind. That's fine, each to their own.

Branleuse · 10/07/2015 15:15

id be interested to know how long it lasts with new guy at work whos into married women. He almost certainly sounds like a much better catch than your husband.

He would definitely be trustworthy

DorisDazzler · 10/07/2015 15:21

Look Op , all this talk about morals and lies are a bit much coming from someone who's developed feelings for someone else . Have you spoken to your husband about these feelings and the fact your sure this man feels the same ? Does he know you feel it's not a marriage anymore ? Does he know your tempted ? You compare your husband to a teenage boy , he has no respect for himself , he's pathetic ect. Some people might say getting involved with someone else whilst married is pathetic and indicates a lack of self respect.

You cannot clutch your pearls about your husband lying to your face on ONE past occasion if you are lying about your relationship with another man. The talk about ethics and morals is so hypocritical it's unbelievable. The porn is probably the only thing you can use to justify what your doing, and you know it causes a strong reaction on here. I think you've been quite manipulative actually.

This is exactly what cheaters do. They find an excuse to justify what they're doing. They then seek out support from others who agree that the spouse is a piece of shit . The fact they are involved with someone else is somehow overlooked.

Nequidnimis nailed it earlier when she said the monstrification has begun.

Offred · 10/07/2015 15:55

Yeah, yeah, men are not like women blah blah blah. Being a man is about needing to abuse women blah blah. Women don't like sex blah blah. Men need to wank blah blah. If men don't have porn it's hard to wank blah blah. Some women I know like working in porn because they get paid blah blah blah... Always the same...

SleepShake · 10/07/2015 16:05

It's very sad that we've come to a point where society has accepted that it is OK for men that are in a relationship to watch other women and men having sex, and take pleasure from it.

ofshoes · 10/07/2015 16:05

To be fair Offred lots of men probably do need to wank occasionally, swollen, tender testicles can be more than a bit uncomfortable. I don't believe they need pornography to do it though, especially if it's reached that stage!

nequidnimis · 10/07/2015 16:11

I've got to give it to the OP, by choosing such a contentious issue to demonise him with it looks like many have overlooked the fact she's trying to justify an extra-marital relationship, so outraged are they by his looking at porn once during the marriage, three years ago, and being nothing except a wonderful husband and father ever since.

Fearless91 · 10/07/2015 16:12

very sad that we've come to a point where society has accepted that it is OK for men that are in a relationship to watch other women and men having sex, and take pleasure from it

You do realise that some women also watch porn right?
I think it's very sad that in 2015 some people can't get their head around the fact a lot of people like porn. Sex is a natural thing but heaven forbid someone wants to watch it Shock

OP if I was your H, after being with you for so long and you refusing to have sex with me and then threatened divorce when I turned to porn, I would have left you long before now (and that's without knowing about this other man!)

The poor man doesn't get sex, he's not allowed to watch porn but he's allowed to masturbate?
You do realise when he's masturbating without porn he's probably fantasising about someone much closer to home?

At least with porn it's just the hot woman on his phone screen that he knows nothing about and who he'll never meet.

Offred · 10/07/2015 16:18

No-one needs to wank. People like to wank.

People like sex yes but liking to watch sex doesn't justify abusing other people.

Keepithidden · 10/07/2015 16:27

It does come out in other ways if I stop wanking, messy sheets etc... I've experimented with abstinence!

No excuse for abuse though.

ofshoes · 10/07/2015 16:27

Well the fact that people who don't wank eventually ejaculate involuntarily kind of suggest to me that it is a legitimate bodily function that occasionally needs a release. But that's only my opinion of course

Keepithidden · 10/07/2015 16:29

Interestingly I never had the swollen balls thing. Not sure I believe it...

Fearless91 · 10/07/2015 16:29

Oh seriously offred?

i can't believe you think men in porn are abusing the women - you know those women have minds and free will which means they choose to take part. They are consenting. So please explain how they're abused?

And if that is the case - what about lesbian porn? How do you decide which woman is being abused then? And gay porn - are the men being abused too?

women have brains - they can enjoy the same thing that a man enjoys and yes that includes being paid to have sex in porn Smile

Offred · 10/07/2015 16:33

Blah blah blah... Empowering to women...

yes that sometimes happens but it is exceedingly rare and the whole industry is an abuse of women because it perpetuates misogynistic views and objectification of women... women are not sex objects for the use of anyone...

Keepithidden · 10/07/2015 16:34

Read up on the industry fearless, it's nasty, not all granted, but I reckon the majority.

Offred · 10/07/2015 16:34

I think the men using porn have abusive attitudes btw. Male porn stars are often being abused by porn too.

Original poster
myluckystars · 10/07/2015 16:37

And this is the same mindset that thinks rape is about sex.

OP posts:
UncertainSmile · 10/07/2015 16:42

Jesus, Offred, you don't half talk rubbish sometimes.

Fearless91 · 10/07/2015 16:45

I think the men using porn have abusive attitudes btw. Male porn stars are often being abused by porn too

Are you for real?? Shock

Seriously. I know MANY guys who watch porn. Some more than others and none of them have ever been known to show abusive traits. My own boyfriend watches it on the rare occasion, he used to often watch it when he was single but he loves, values and respects me. Good lord. I don't know how old you are but your views make you seem as if you're quite older.. So quite understandable why you'd have they opinion really.

Read up on the industry fearless, it's nasty, not all granted, but I reckon the majority

Why? you can bet your life 99% of the articles you've read about porn being nasty are written by women who don't want their husbands watching it.

I don't know what rubbish you've read about porn, but I've met people who work in that industry mainly women and they love it - as I previously said one claimed it was the only job she's had where she hasn't dealt with sexism and that she feels safe and respected etc.
I agree a lot of the older porn is very sexist and made for the mans pleasure - but nowadays no.

Offred · 10/07/2015 16:50

he was single but he loves, values and respects me.

Ok so if porn is all fine and dandy why has he stopped/reduced out of respect for you.

I'm 31 FFS.

If you want to shut your eyes to the porn industry and convince yourself that it's all about empowering women and anyone who doesn't think so is a bitter wife who feels jealous that's your prerogative.

Offred · 10/07/2015 16:52

"The only job she's had where she hasn't dealt with sexism and that she feels safe and respected"

You don't think that's sad?

Some individuals have good experiences of working in porn. That really has nothing to do with anything.