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Original poster

porn and our future

460 replies

myluckystars · 09/07/2015 19:37

I have been married to dh for 4 years and we have a toddler. Before we got engaged I came home to my flat which we were sharing at the time to find him watching porn on the computer. He wasn't expecting me home for another few hours so was doing this in secret. I have strong feelings about porn and don't like it for a multitude of reasons. I was very upset at the time and told him if it happened again the relationship was over, he seemed very upset by my being upset and that was it (we had a very good sex life btw). We carried on together and got engaged, then married, I trusted him. When out baby was 6 months I caught him again and literally an hour before I caught him I had asked him if he ever did it and he looked me in eye and promised no but then I caught him practically straight after. I realised that probably all the times he had been up late at night while I was going to bed early to get up with baby, he had probably been watching porn and then getting up early and moaning about being tired. Anyway, I was furious and said if it happened again it would be divorce. So 3 years on so far so good although can I ever trust him again on it is my thought. We barely ever have sex because it has been a huge turn-off for me and I have trouble respecting him after him lying to my face.

Fast forward to now and there is a man at work who I have developed feelings for who I am sure feels the same. Nothing has ever happened and I have been very careful to not let my feelings slip out and I feel guilty because I am married. Part of me feels it is not a marriage anymore anyway and surely I deserve to be happy.

OP posts:
Scoobydoo8 · 10/07/2015 08:23

All men watch porn.

Hmmm, don't think I agree but will be painted as naïve but think it paints a pic of the men in your life if that's what you believe.

So girls, you just have to accept it it seems - MN says so.

Offred · 10/07/2015 08:27

I don't think you should be more flexible.

I don't think you should accept the lying.

You can't change what has happened.

You can change what will happen so leave him. He's lied to you about something important to you and you no longer find him attractive.

Rockluvvindad · 10/07/2015 08:31

Men have always masturbated. Back when was a teen, we counted ourselves lucky if we found a magazine in a hedgerow to "inspire" us ( yes gross, but anyone with a teenage son will know where all the tissues go... ). The shocking thing is that we continue to do it when wet grow up. Even if we're in a sexually fulfilling relationship, we will still do it sometimes because of a variety of reasons ( feel horny right now and you're not there, you're tired and we don't want to bother you, we have a spare five minutes, etc... ). Always this would be based on the content of our spank bank. Spank banks have become more graphic with the easy availability of porn. In fact, now we don't even need to maintain one these days because of the internet.

So I guess the question is, do you feel he is committing infidelity by using it ( see above... He's always going to masterbate, and this might just be a helping hand so to speak ), or is the objection on moral grounds.

I admit, I do feel more and more uneasy about it these days. It does have a lot to answer for.

As some of the poster have said above, communication is the key. You might be setting a hard limit for him on what is a normal healthy behaviour and pushing it into something illicit. If your objection to porn is ethical, discuss it with him ffs. Help him understand why you don't like it. Maybe discuss acceptable alternatives ?

Offred · 10/07/2015 08:36

FFS this post is all the porn thread bingo now!

Wanking is not the same thing as porn... You can wank without a 'spank bank' urgh... jeez... Have a little respect for the people you are using for your grubby little habit...

Senada · 10/07/2015 09:04

Wow, Rockluvvindad I'd like to ignore your first paragraph, but I can't, so thank you so much for educating us about men! I'm sure we're all so grateful for your knowledge.
Here's a huge shock for you. Women too have always masturbated. Women too still do it when they "grown up". Even when they're in a relationship with great sex.
Are you one of those men who thinks that once a woman has access to the mighty cock she has no further "need" for masturbation?

Many women have easier and better orgasms when they masturbate rather than when they're bestowed with the gift of the mighty cock.

Many find it a better stress reliever than yoga.
blah blah

Rockluvvindad · 10/07/2015 09:23

I do love the assumptions that get jumped to on mn... No wonder I've become an addict. I totally accept that women masturbate too. It's normal, healthy behaviour. Shockingly I've even know women that use porn while they do. ( /end irony )

In general though, if men have access to porn they will probably use it for inspiration...

Offer, porn isn't the same as wanking, but one is often used when doing the other. Calling it a grubby little habit makes me think you probably don't really understand what is normal and healthy.

Porn is a problem in a relationship when it becomes an addiction, or like for the OP she has a serious problem with her other half using it.

Either way, setting an ultimatum that is never really going to be adhered too without discussing it is not a good way to resolve the OP's situation.

Offred · 10/07/2015 09:24

Calling it a grubby little habit makes me think you probably don't really understand what is normal and healthy

Porn is not "normal" or "healthy" to me.

Offred · 10/07/2015 09:25

Porn is a problem for society.

Offred · 10/07/2015 09:25

But go ahead wank over your spank bank and try not to think too much about the real people involved.

Only1scoop · 10/07/2015 09:31

The porn has most likely been pushed under stones where your DH is concerned.

The man in the wings possibly watches even more.

Or stars in them.

nequidnimis · 10/07/2015 09:48

OP, you obviously feel strongly about your DH using porn and made it clear at the beginning of your relationship that it was a deal breaker and would lead to divorce.

He is still using it, so follow through and end your relationship as promised.

The wider debate about porn is irrelevant really, it's a deal breaker for you and he won't stop using it.

It's difficult to know whether he is using it because of your poor sex life, or whether your poor sex life is because he's using it. But sorting all that out, and discussing acceptable compromises and alternatives, would only be worth doing if you wanted to save the relationship and it doesn't sound like you do.

FWIW I don't think you should be too upset that he lied about it. He knew it was something you'd disparage, shame and divorce him for, so the benefits of lying outweighed the benefits of being honest by a long way. I expect he thought that, unlike an affair, you wouldn't be hurt by it if you didn't know about it.

Senada · 10/07/2015 09:48

I do love the assumptions that get jumped to on mn... No wonder I've become an addict. I totally accept that women masturbate too. It's normal, healthy behaviour. Shockingly I've even know women that use porn while they do. ( /end irony )

Read that first paragraph of yours again. No "assumption" was necessary, your mansplaining rendered assumption redundant.

Fearless91 · 10/07/2015 09:55

I have stayed and tried to keep working on it and have grown tired of not much sex and my feelings about him lying but have stayed because we took vows. However, in marriage vows it says to foresake all others, how does looking at women's bits online keep to that vow? Out of nowhere I have these feelings for this other man and have no intention on acting on them because I am married but aren't I a deluded fool for being so loyal to someone who watches porn and lies. Perhaps I could be happier elsewhere and that is what this man has reminded me of.

I'm sorry, but you can't talk about vows when you're the one who's allowed yourself to develop feelings for somebody else. Feelings don't develop for no reason, you allowed yourself to get close enough to this man for you to start having feelings for him.
That to me is far worse than your H watching porn. I don't think you're in any position to talk about vows.

You clearly do have intention of acting on your feelings because you asked whether you should leave your H because you deserve to be happy - meaning with this man.

But go ahead wank over your spank bank and try not to think too much about the real people involved.

Porn isn't like that. Everyone involved consents 100%. They want to do it. They're real people and they're choosing to do it. I don't see the problem?
Sure, there's going to be a small minority that have been pressured into it and that's absolutely awful and I hope that side to it is stopped - but why should we stop watching porn full stop because of that small minority?
What about when you buy cheaper clothing - generally speaking it's made ethically but a small minority of people who make those clothes are exploited but we still buy them. It's the same principle.

your grubby little habit...

Really? I think you have very a outdated view towards porn.
Masturbating over porn where those involved are 100% consenting adults enjoying what they do is healthy. As long as it doesn't become an addiction I don't see any issue - it isn't 'grubby'.

OP I'm sorry but I think this is one of the most hypocritcal threads I've read on MN.
You're thinking of divorcing your H because he watches porn yet here you are with feelings towards another man after you've allowed yourself to get that close to him. Hmm

Offred · 10/07/2015 10:02

I think your attitude to porn is delusional.

molyholy · 10/07/2015 10:09

I agree Offred

Fearless you are absolutely deluded if you think this about porn

They want to do it.

Yes - every girls dream innit Hmm

PeppermintPasty · 10/07/2015 10:16

I can't believe people still go on about consenting adults being involved in making porn. They may well be, but your problem is you don't know that.

Jan45 · 10/07/2015 10:16

Men masturbate - yes and guess what, so do women!

I'm afraid when porn is eroding the relationship you are with someone to the extent your partner is thinking about leaving you then you really do have a problem.

Yes, some men watch it, now and again, some every month, some every week.......fact is, if my partner felt so strongly about it I'd give it a bloody miss, I mean, is it all that great anyway, it usually looks completely hilarious with freaky women with balloon inflated tits and a man that seems to go forever and ever, give me the read deal any day.

nequidnimis · 10/07/2015 10:18

OP, here are some statistics about porn use in the US.

I'm definitely not trying to change your opinion of porn, but maybe come to understand why this might seem harmless and normal to your DH.

The survey claims that the most common age for exposure is 12, and that 90% of boys are using it by the time they're 18 (and 60% of girls) so this is a hard habit to break by the time they meet their partner.

There are loads of surveys out there with similar results. One I looked at said that visits to porn sites outnumber visits to Netflix, Amazon and Twitter combined.

Obviously you have every right to end the marriage if you're unhappy, but you sound so disgusted by him I thought it might help to understand that he is far from alone.

Offred · 10/07/2015 10:20

I'm not sure how that helps really. The OP is opposed to porn. It's her boundary to have. Why would the fact a huge number of people are exposed to porn mean she would change her boundary?

Original poster
myluckystars · 10/07/2015 10:22

I think porn and masturbation are 2 different things. I couldn't care less how much/often dh may wank. However, I don't want other womens vaginas and women sucking cocks all over our computers. To me this is something teenage boys do not full grown men, I find it pathetic in the extreme. Yes other man may well use porn too but as I'm not about to have a relationship with him I couldn't care less. I think I would go so far as to say that if all men use porn then I'd be happy enough without. It demonstrates to me a man with no respect for himself or the woman he is with and yes that doesn't bode well for our future. He insists he doesn't do it, has put parental controls on all computers, still if he can lie once.....

OP posts:
Offred · 10/07/2015 10:24

I mean I understand why loads of footballers think having sex with plastered women is harmless, it's quite normal you see and loads of them are exposed to it socially and culturally... I still think it's wrong.

Additionally, I'm not sure it ever helps to get involved in the whole 'trying to understand why he lied' game, it's just a way to blame yourself for his failure to be an adult IMO.

nequidnimis · 10/07/2015 10:24

I already said, more than once, that she should leave.

No harm in understanding the other person's perspective though.

Or considering that the new guy might watch it too.

Offred · 10/07/2015 10:27

Yes there is. What is the point of it? Why would you?

I'm sure given her feelings on porn she doesn't need you to tell her the other guy may watch it either Hmm

Your posts are just a passive aggressive version of "all men do it, porn is normal, you make him lie with your unreasonable demands, good luck finding a man who isn't wanking himself stupid to porn!"

Threefishys · 10/07/2015 10:29

So a man having a wank using his imagination/memory = cool. But actually watching other women = bad. Is that the gist?

Offred · 10/07/2015 10:36

Exploiting women for sexual kicks = twat. Treating women as equals = not twat. HTH