porn and our future

[myluckystars]

I have been married to dh for 4 years and we have a toddler. Before we got engaged I came home to my flat which we were sharing at the time to find him watching porn on the computer. He wasn't expecting me home for another few hours so was doing this in secret. I have strong feelings about porn and don't like it for a multitude of reasons. I was very upset at the time and told him if it happened again the relationship was over, he seemed very upset by my being upset and that was it (we had a very good sex life btw). We carried on together and got engaged, then married, I trusted him. When out baby was 6 months I caught him again and literally an hour before I caught him I had asked him if he ever did it and he looked me in eye and promised no but then I caught him practically straight after. I realised that probably all the times he had been up late at night while I was going to bed early to get up with baby, he had probably been watching porn and then getting up early and moaning about being tired. Anyway, I was furious and said if it happened again it would be divorce. So 3 years on so far so good although can I ever trust him again on it is my thought. We barely ever have sex because it has been a huge turn-off for me and I have trouble respecting him after him lying to my face.

Fast forward to now and there is a man at work who I have developed feelings for who I am sure feels the same. Nothing has ever happened and I have been very careful to not let my feelings slip out and I feel guilty because I am married. Part of me feels it is not a marriage anymore anyway and surely I deserve to be happy.

FGS, I never said he wasn't the most perfect, fantastic man, I said to develop feelings for another man when you are meant to be in a committed relationship with a person you love would indicate to ME that there was/is more wrong with the marriage than porn use, maybe read what I have written before jumping on the I hate men bandwagon.

*you are absolutely deluded if you think this about porn

They want to do it.

Yes - every girls dream innit hmm*

Oh please. I think you are deluded not me. I know somebody who works in the adult industry and she loves it. She loves having sex so she thought she may as well make money from it! She doesn't feel exploited or disrespected. She's paid far more than the men. She feels safe. She never has to do anything she feels uncomfortable with. She said she had dealt with far more sexism when she worked in a bank in Manchester and in a bar whilst at uni.

As for the "every girls dream" comment - you do realise every female is different? And also it's 2015 - the majority of women enjoy sex. Just because you wouldn't enjoy doing porn it doesn't mean every woman feels the same. I feel sorry for you if you struggle to get your head around the fact some women enjoy having sex and being paid for it. At the end of the day the male and female are doing the exact same thing. Do you really believe women who do that sort of job are timid naive little princesses that need saved because they can't possibly understand that by being paid to do the same thing as the man means they're being used and abused? And that never in this universe would a woman possibly want to take part in porn! if that's what you think then your attitude towards women are very outdated.

I can't believe people still go on about consenting adults being involved in making porn. They may well be, but your problem is you don't know that.

And when you go out buying clothes you don't know that the people making your clothes aren't 9 year old kids being exploited working 15 hours a day for 10p but hey - you still buy the clothes!

The OP has the right to disagree with porn. But she doesn't have the right to threaten her poor H with divorce for watching it when she's having an emotional affair by developing feelings for another man that she's allowed herself to get so close to. It's laughable really

I said 'fair point' we just have opposing views Jan .... Relax its Friday have a pimms!

There is a difference between been attracted to someone/have a crush (which I thik is pretty common) and actually acting on it and have an affair.

Sometimes, being attracted like this is the thing that makes one open their eyes to the state of their relationship and realise that not everything is right.

LuckyStars, from what you are saying, you have just two options
1- either leave the relationship and start afresh (NOT with that guy. A married man wouldn't be the 'right' person anyway)
2- try and sort things out, talk with your DH, communicate better and see if it can be slavaged.

I'm in two minds with option 2 because basically either he has decided that lying is the easy way out of a conflict/he has no respect for you and then what else he is lying about? Or he doesn't have the gut to have a frank discussion about porn with you whatever the reason he is too weak, you are too overbearing whatever).
In either case, trying to keep the communication channels open will be hard.

That was not in reply to you Three and yes don't worry, alcohol shall be consumed later!

Yeah what's wrong is OP has met someone she's interested in so the monstrification has begun.

A girl after my own heart Jan

How about if we move away from the porn argument and replace it with, say, I dunno, cherry drops.

OP doesn't like her DH eating cherry drops, so he says he won't but then does. She finds out and asks him not to, he agrees but then does again.

The 'thing' itself is irrelevant isn't it? It's about respect for the other person's views and preferences and being decent enough not to lie.

But I think this is a totally separate issue to the OP's newfound emotional connection to a love rat guy at work.

If OP really cannot stomach the cherry drops/porn, she should end the marriage for that reason. If she does not want to end the marriage she needs to address the respect issues and the sex issue, maybe through counselling.

If, after that is all tidied away, she feels she wants to start a new relationship then she can. If she chooses a guy who felt it was OK to pursue a married woman, well so be it (assuming he is still interested once she is single, he may not be of course).

Maybe the OP needs to respect her DH wish to make adult choices. If they go against her own beliefs (not wishes - after all her DH has free will as does she) then yes absolutely she needs to end the relationship. But what she can't /shouldn't do is stay in the relationship ,try to control her DH's choices through threats and ultimatums, whilst secretly lusting after work bloke.

Fearless, I had a look at porn not that long ago. I had never watched porn but as my dcs are heading to teenage years I thought I had to see for myself what actually 'watching porn' means nowdays.

I will say what I actually have seen (not what xx, aka just ONE person, told me) is that:
1- most of the time, women are at best looking bored. They certainly aren't enjoying it
2- In some cases, it is clear that the woman actually does NOT want to do xxx. It is also clear that she is in pain. Granted, it's probably more true with 'overseas' videos but really can one watch that sort of stuff wo blinking?

There is a lot more all linked with how women are portrayed, what it teaches men and teenagers about what sex is, what sort of impact it has in RL relationships but I don't think you will want to hear those.

For me, it IS staggering that the videos I felt the most confortable with with one about BDSM... At least on that one, it didn't feel like the woman was treated like a piece of meat.

Do you not think though Fishy that his lying about it makes it feel a lot worse for her?

Also, in a relationship do we not compromise with each other, I mean, is porn that important to him that he is willing to upset her?

As for the other man and feelings, that's a whole other thread.

Fearless, equating how porn is made with how say, clothes are made will only get you so far up a dead end street. Firstly, you know naff all about me and what I wear or choose to wear, and secondly, if I were of a mind to research the world rag trade, I would have far greater success in establishing the truth of something than I would if I researched the porn industry. What am I basing that on? Common sense.

You can stretch your argument until it creaks and cracks. The fact is, we are talking about porn and not whether my shirt was made by slave labour. Spurious comparison, but utterly predictable on these sort of threads.

No there is nothing else going on. I lost hope for our future the last time and we had a very small baby at the time so we didn't focus on it, I just felt inevitably it would end, it eroded my trust in the relationship. He is otherwise great, never hurt me in any other way, a good straightforward guy but I haven't made peace with the porn and the 2 lies. And whysoangry this is what my friends say.

Sorry if this is a silly question, but what does DH stand for?

Well at the end of the day if you can't get past the lying and you feel that strongly then it is a dealbreaker. I think that sometimes in relationships there are sticking points which neither will budge on.

Porn is the one in your relationship. I think that he should be able to watch porn if he wants to and have control over his own sexual fantasies and masturbating etc. But equally if you cannot tolerate that he does it and see it as not living up to wedding vows then you are equally entititled to your views.

It sounds in this case no compromise can be reached and it also sounds as though you have already checked out of the marriage, which this attraction to the colleague shows.

I suggest you sit down with your husband and have a read of this together: www.covenanteyes.com/2009/07/27/is-porn-the-same-as-adultery/. Talk to your husband.

It's sad to see a marriage end over something that seems almost trivial to me.

Are you certain you're not using it to excuse your feelings for the other man?

If not then you're right to end it, it'll free both of you to find someone better suited.

On porn in general. I know 3 female sex workers and they speak positively about their experiences. It is not a choice I would make, but they like the hours, the money and what they see as freedom to have sex they want to. One in particular describes herself as an exhibtionist who 'gets off' on it.

That is what they say and they seem happy. You can argue they are just lying to themselves and are deeply unhappy really, but they don't seem to show any signs of it.

Me? I would hate to be a sex worker. i would feel used and horrible and like something which is sacred to me has been debased for money. However i respect those other women's choices, as they say they do not feel this way. Who am I to shame them and tell them they are being exploited and must hate themselves really, just because I would feel that way?

Thing is I couldn't care less about his point of view

Well there you go, your marriage is over.

You may wish to ruminate on this saying before seeking your next partner:
Men pretend not to watch porn. Women pretend to believe them.

I like watching porn. Any partner who tried to police my sexual expression would be out on their ear.

Good lord but the Covenant Eyes website is truly frightening, do they actually believe that stuff or is it just propoganda to sell their (frankly strange) product?

Is it not bad enough that god is watching you masturbate without having some peculiar christian lads getting in on the act?

Sorry OP, I got that wrong then. It does seem a shame to end a marriage over this without at least trying to come to some kind of compromise/agreement.

Just because some folk watch porn doesn't mean we all do and I include men in that too, each to their own, sick of hearing the same old: all men pretend to not watch but indeed they do, yeah ok then.....

The OP clearly has a very strong revulsion to porn, she's entitled to feel that way, who knows why she has her beliefs, who cares, she's entitled to have them too, if he can't take that into consideration then it's clearly a deal breaker for her.

He lied so he wouldn't hurt her/cause her to threaten his marriage. Wrong to lie yes but we've all done it to save someone who we care about upset. Look the bottom line is the bottom line. She doesn't like porn. He does. They are both willing to ruin an near perfect happily life together over it, him by obeying the conditions set by OP for the relationship, her by not being able to accept he will occasionally look at porn. It is what it is.

It is a messy business

I needed that laugh so thanks!

As I always say on the threads I can be bothered to comment on before it turns into a bun fight about porn, this is purely a case about what is and is not acceptable to those within the marriage.

It's completely inappropriate for those on either side of the debate on porn to try to change the OP's mind about what's right for her. She should just know it's ok to have boundaries and be supported in that.

OP If he knows of your boundaries and has chosen not to accept them, you have the choice whether to accept that and change your boundaries. You'll also need to accept that you are married to a liar who wasn't capable of telling you that your boundaries were not acceptable and would rather deceive you.

So the decision is yours. Do you continue with this liar and change your boundaries or do you stick to your original assertion it's a deal breaker for you?

We are all different and have different levels of what we find acceptable or not, especially if we have children.

Personally if I told my partner that his watching of porn upset me to the point that it was putting me off him, I'd expect him to be quite happy to refrain from it, I mean, I would actually wonder if he had a problem if he couldn't stop, but maybe that's just me.