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Original poster

porn and our future

460 replies

myluckystars · 09/07/2015 19:37

I have been married to dh for 4 years and we have a toddler. Before we got engaged I came home to my flat which we were sharing at the time to find him watching porn on the computer. He wasn't expecting me home for another few hours so was doing this in secret. I have strong feelings about porn and don't like it for a multitude of reasons. I was very upset at the time and told him if it happened again the relationship was over, he seemed very upset by my being upset and that was it (we had a very good sex life btw). We carried on together and got engaged, then married, I trusted him. When out baby was 6 months I caught him again and literally an hour before I caught him I had asked him if he ever did it and he looked me in eye and promised no but then I caught him practically straight after. I realised that probably all the times he had been up late at night while I was going to bed early to get up with baby, he had probably been watching porn and then getting up early and moaning about being tired. Anyway, I was furious and said if it happened again it would be divorce. So 3 years on so far so good although can I ever trust him again on it is my thought. We barely ever have sex because it has been a huge turn-off for me and I have trouble respecting him after him lying to my face.

Fast forward to now and there is a man at work who I have developed feelings for who I am sure feels the same. Nothing has ever happened and I have been very careful to not let my feelings slip out and I feel guilty because I am married. Part of me feels it is not a marriage anymore anyway and surely I deserve to be happy.

OP posts:
DorisDazzler · 10/07/2015 13:05

I really don't think this is about porn.

Fearless91 · 10/07/2015 13:13

Why is it all about the man respecting the woman and how if he respected the OP he would stop watching porn.

Why not - the OP needs to realise her H is a grown adult man who has needs. She isn't having sex with him. She should respect the fact he should make his own choices.

Peppermint - you're right I don't know anything about the clothes you wear and I have no interest in finding out but I used that argument as it's the same principe - people look at porn knowing there's a chance the woman/man may be being exploited. You buy you clothes knowing there's a chance the kids making them may be exploited. Other than the principle I couldn't care less about your clothes.

maman - I can understand your curiosity and why you would want to check out porn and what it involves nowadays.

But you can't really argue that porn teaches men/teens how to treat women. It is your job to teach your sons how to treat women.
My boyfriend on the rare occasions watches porn, before we got together he often watched it as he was single and I'm sure at some point he has most likely come across some 'hardcore' stuff but it's never changed the way he treats me - I always feel loved, valued and respected by him. In and out of the bedroom.

Maybe I'm wrong and your sons will never look at porn but chances are out of curiosity they're going to. It is your job to teach them how to treat a woman, not the porn star on the screen. In no way am I suggesting you're a bad parent, this isn't aimed at you personally, but if a young guy grows up treating his girlfriend like a bit of meat purely because of what he's seen in porn then clearly he was never shown/taught what a true loving relationship really is.

Again there are going to be videos where the women aren't enjoying it. But there's also going to be videos where the man isn't enjoying it. Porn made nowadays is rarely like that.

What about gay porn - I'm sure there's porn out there with 2 guys where one is looking bored. But no one argues that young gay guys who watch that will grow up thinking he'll treat all future boyfriends disrespectfully.

fiddlefingers · 10/07/2015 13:16

ofshoes I didn't read ANY of the rest of the site, just that one piece. It was solely with the intention of helping the OP try and explain how she feels so that she could have a calm discussion with her husband. Blush

PushingThru · 10/07/2015 13:19

It's truly incredible that some people are suggesting the OP has counselling or is at fault somehow for having boundaries that were agreed to, then lied about & ignored. It's really sad that other women are attempting to persuade her to compromise her standards & expectations of others 'because men'. Baffling.

PushingThru · 10/07/2015 13:21

The OP is a grown woman who has needs. Needs to be respected, listened to & told the truth for a start.

WhySoAngry · 10/07/2015 13:23

I was just in Starbucks and the guy serving me seemed really unhappy and probably wasn't being paid that much. Not sure if he was being exploited or not. Hard to tell....

Jan45 · 10/07/2015 13:25

So true Pushing, I mean, men need to have it right, utter BS, men do it because they want and can, nobody needs to watch porn, it's the same as drinking and smoking, you are choosing it.

As for young boys watching porn and the effect it has on their view of women and relationships, yes it does have a negative effect, how can it not. Most porn is objectifying the woman, it's bloody hard to actually find porn that involves two consenting adults making love, it's usually forced and all about the man's pleasure, again, no man will die from not watching porn, it's all about the man having more entitlement than a woman.

I'm out of this as it's just going to get upsetting.

Spell99 · 10/07/2015 13:26

Boys don't learn about how to treat partners from Porn they learn it from parents. Unless of course they have a propensity to run screaming out of the Cinema screaming "the terminators are coming the terminators are coming."

In regard to ultimatums and lies, its not hard to see the connection from
"I want you to stop"
"No that's unreasonable"
"stop or ill leave you"
"ok ill stop"

Lies are what happen when there are serious consequences for telling the truth.

PushingThru · 10/07/2015 13:26

And people who seem to think that the nuances of exploitation are all silenced by saying "yes, ok, I'll do that" are foolish.

ofshoes · 10/07/2015 13:28

Fiddlefingers I'm actually with you on the anti porn perspective, I don't think it does the people who make it or those who consume it any good at all. Pornography is generally all sorts of fucked up. I just think that site in particular has a really peculiar skewed perspective on things because they have a product to push.

Original poster
myluckystars · 10/07/2015 13:33

CBT? Are you having a laugh? I don't have to justify why, suffice to say I am fairly hot myself and confident in that (hence other offers!!). Issue is political, feminist, moral and ethical.

OP posts:
Norest · 10/07/2015 13:36

They both have needs. The needs are not meshing and no compromise is possible. It doesn't make one need more important or valid than the other.

What it does mean is the relationship seems pretty much at the dealbreaker stage.

nequidnimis · 10/07/2015 13:39

Pushing, OP is absolutely allowed to have non negotiable boundaries and doesn't need to justify them to anyone.

But one issue in an otherwise wonderful marriage, it seems a shame that a compromise can't be reached.

And I think OP's interest in another man has muddied the water and knocked her off the moral high ground a bit.

PushingThru · 10/07/2015 13:44

The Starbucks analogy is way off, too. We have a national minimum wage, health & safety legislation, working hours directives etc. all of which are designed to prevent Starbucks from exploitation of its staff. Of course, these may be imperfect measures, but the law is dynamic & we obviously need to keep asking whether it is saying the right things & press for change where it's found lacking. The porn industry has a very murky track record on all the above & for those films created outside countries with well developed employment legislation possibly completely lacking. Oh and we need to wear clothes, we don't need to watch porn, so people's imperfect choices there are, at least, more justified.

Meerka · 10/07/2015 13:47

Other man to be fair is of questionable morals by trying to carve out time alone with me as a married woman

Whatever happens between you and your husband, this one's a badun if he really is trying to home in on you.

Use what's happened as a focus on the state of your marriage; either for fixing it or leaving him.

Jo4040 · 10/07/2015 13:52

My fella doesn't watch porn. We are both twenty five, been together since we were both fifteen and have two DS. We don't have the internet because we can't afford it (im on my mums WIFI) he has a old phone bcz he's not really bothered. We only have free view and we go to bed every night at the same time, and if one of us does stay up later then the other its normally me. There is no way he could access porn and he says he wouldn't be interested anyway. ( don't get me wrong if we went together I think he would, but I think he means he's not interested whilst he's with me). I think if you are in a loving, happy relationship then porn isn't needed. He doesn't even rally watch telly or films to fancy anyone on it haha. His job is working in a plant nursery so he doesn't come into contact with any other females. He absolutely lives for his two boys and myself and that us enough for him I guess.

nequidnimis · 10/07/2015 13:56

It's really hard not to see the porn issue as an excuse for some sort of improper relationship.

She's caught him looking at porn twice - once before they were even engaged, and once three years ago.

If a guy posted that he hated his wife, say, smoking, but that she lied about a sneaky fag some three years ago and he couldn't get past it and surely he deserved some happiness with a woman at work, I think he'd get a far harsher response than OP's had here.

PushingThru · 10/07/2015 13:58

"Lies are what happen when there are serious consequences to telling the truth"...Or just don't do the thing you agreed not to do in the first place.

Jo4040 · 10/07/2015 13:59

'A lie is sweet in the beginning, but bitter in the end '. And that applies to everything

WhySoAngry · 10/07/2015 14:10

Jo4040: I think if you are in a loving, happy relationship then porn isn't needed. He doesn't even rally watch telly or films to fancy anyone on it haha. His job is working in a plant nursery so he doesn't come into contact with any other females. He absolutely lives for his two boys and myself and that is enough for him I guess

Only a tiny percentage of men are like this. 5%? 10%?

Maybe porn isn't needed by men but it is wanted. Most men masturbate every day and sometimes several times. Porn makes it quicker and easier for them to 'empty the pipes'. It doesn't mean they don't love their OH.

nequidnimis · 10/07/2015 14:22

If the lie was the problem, why has it taken three years to confront that?

Because like every unfaithful man ever, OP was 'happy enough' with her wonderful DH until someone else caught her eye.

It's entirely possible that he hasn't looked at porn for three years, and has spent those years tolerating a virtually sexless marriage and OP's contempt and unbending lack of forgiveness.

If it was unforgivable why let him waste three years of his life thinking he was forgiven?

Original poster
myluckystars · 10/07/2015 14:26

fags and porn are not the same.

OP posts:
nequidnimis · 10/07/2015 14:38

If you really have spent the past three years simmering with resentment about this transgression, then why not just cut him lose now, before you both waste any more years of your lives?

You clearly can't forgive him, and there's nothing he can do to make up for something he did three years ago.

Jo4040 · 10/07/2015 14:40

Nope..if your in a relationship that your truly happy in then porn shouldn't even come into it. They might want it. But I want stuff that I don't do. Why would a man want to watch that kinda stuff when he's with someone. It's pure cheating to me.

WhySoAngry · 10/07/2015 14:51

Why would a man want to watch that kinda stuff when he's with someone?

Because that's what men are like! They're not like women when it comes to sex! Every day they need to scratch that itch!