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Original poster

Husband's affair - Tom is moving on

910 replies

tomatoplantproject · 30/06/2015 22:14

I took a break from mumsnet for a little while. It has been an eventful little while. Mumsnet keeps breaking and I'm sorry but I can't link my previous threads.

My husband had an affair with an Italian, I found out over 2 months ago. I kicked him out and since then have been trying to rebuild my life whilst keeping things stable for my little girl. I have an amazing family and friends who have been looking out for me.

We have had various discussions since I found out and have been seeing a Relate counsellor. Various posters have been warning me to be wary given how he has been behaving.

He was due to go to Spain last week on his own for a holiday - he cancelled at the very last minute after I asked him not to go and has been spending time with dd and I. Things were starting to thaw between us and we were building at least a friendship.

I had a job interview this evening and he did dd's bedtime routine for me. When I came home he sat me down and told me he was going to be honest with me. He has been in touch with the Italian Job since I found out, and they were due to go to Spain to see if they had a long term future. He pulled out on the Sunday after I asked him not to go.

I won't ever trust him ever again, and he hasn't put me first or respected my wishes that he is not in touch with her. So I am done. Once and for all. I can now move on.

You were all right. I just wasn't ready to believe you.

OP posts:
andthenagain · 30/06/2015 22:21

Oh Tom l wondered how you were. Now perhaps after these relevatins you can start to move on with your DD.
What was he expecting with his confession? for you to forgive and forget? Or is he really wanting to make a go of it with the Italian ?? Am l wrong in thinking he wanted you to go away with him on holiday?? WTF was he thinking.

Whatever it doesn't really matter. You have seen him no totally for what he really is--a liar as well as a cheat.

Good luck Flowers

JohnFarleysRuskin · 30/06/2015 22:23

Oh tom.

God. What an utter lying cunt he has been.

So now you know. I'm sorryFlowers

IfYoureHappyAndYouKnowIt · 30/06/2015 22:23

Very sad to hear that Hmm.

I remember your thread and have been thinking about you.

But I'm glad that perhaps now you have the info you need to move forward, even if the outcome is sad.

JohnFarleysRuskin · 30/06/2015 22:25

I have to say, utter respect to those posters especially blood, who said he was doing this.
I thought he had been in touch but not to that extent.

You will go so far without him tom.

Original poster
tomatoplantproject · 30/06/2015 22:27

It was just a muddle. Back when I found out I asked him out of respect for me not to ever get in contact with her again and to give me the space to work through my feelings.

I have been working through my feelings but he has stayed in touch with her. He clearly doesn't respect me. And he cheats and lies and spins. So I am done.

OP posts:
DrMorbius · 30/06/2015 22:28

Devil's advocate Tom, you did say if he came clean, then there was a chance to work through your troubles. At last he seems to have come clean.

Does not going to Spain at your request mean he wants the future to be with you and DD?

Original poster
tomatoplantproject · 30/06/2015 22:28

I'm sorry blood. I was so cross with you. You were right.

OP posts:
Original poster
tomatoplantproject · 30/06/2015 22:31

DrM - I have been asking him to come clean since I found out. It's too late.

He does want to rebuild. I don't see how we can though since he has been lying for 10 months now. I don't have the energy any more.

OP posts:
Jackw · 30/06/2015 22:36

Ah, sweetheart, I'm so sorry. What on earth did he think he was playing at all this time? Moron. Duplicitous, selfish, self-entitled moron.

I know this is hard and horrible right now but I think you will emerge from the wreckage a truer version of yourself than you have been in the latter years of your marriage.

I read an article in a newspaper recently about research on how to recover from a broken heart and it talked about how healthy and productive it is to review the relationship and the compromises you had to make in the relationship and I think you started that process quite a while back. You are one of the most emotionally intelligent posters I have read on here.

magoria · 30/06/2015 22:43

Wow bastard.

He sat in your counselling session knowing he was going off on holiday with OW and asked you if it was OK to go!

Putting you on the spot knowing you would find it hard to say no and going through the session knowing he was going to OW.

And bollocks would they not have had sex that week.

Now you know why he had principals that you couldn't see his phone there and then when you asked but could later. He needed time to clear the incriminating evidence and turned it on you as a matte of principal!

Lying cheating wank stain.

You deserve so much better Flowers

Why has he come clean now? Has she threatened to tell or does he want you to end it?

Original poster
tomatoplantproject · 30/06/2015 22:46

Thank you jackw.

I'm going to just keep on. Day at a time. Things are progressing on the job front and I was really excited this evening about 2 separate interviews I had today.

This bombshell has put things into very clear perspective and if I am lucky enough to get offered both jobs I don't think I have too much of a dilemma.

OP posts:
avrilinca · 30/06/2015 22:47

I've been thinking and worrying about you. I feel like the gate into your pastures new is wide open now (and look at the sun!). He will spend years regretting this (and you won't give a shit). I occasionally check the wrists of cool-looking brunettes I see around London for blue feathers! Hope you can feel some of the optimism emerging from the cooling ashes of disappointment and resignation.

Original poster
tomatoplantproject · 30/06/2015 22:49

He came clean because he saw the counsellor yesterday, told her the truth and she told him he had to start being honest.

No wonder he never looked me in the eye. No wonder I was constantly wondering. Because he was still wandering.

OP posts:
Original poster
tomatoplantproject · 30/06/2015 22:54

How funny avril!

I hope I can start moving on and I don't look back.

He said as he left "so much for being honest". I said if he hadn't been honest I would have pushed and pushed for evidence. He said he would have deleted it all. I said I would have phoned her in front of him. He was dumbstruck. I would have found out the truth somehow.

OP posts:
magoria · 30/06/2015 22:57

1 hours honesty doesn't in any way shape or form make up for what he has done.

He is trying to make you the bad guy again.

Here he is doing the decent thing and being all honest (finally) and you have decided to boot him in the arse for it.

Original poster
tomatoplantproject · 30/06/2015 23:06

Being the bad guy is not the role I'm going to take on. Cold, detached, angry I accept.

I didn't break it and I have done more than I ever needed to laying the groundwork to fix things between us. I want to think about other things, focus my energy on nice stuff.

OP posts:
magoria · 30/06/2015 23:38

Good for you.

How did the interview go?

saffronwblue · 01/07/2015 00:16

God Tom, he really is as bad as the worst possible hypotheses on your previous threads. I guess he has given you the gift of certainty that he is a despicable cheat and liar. I hope this is the rock bottom now and you can start to get excited about your new life.

Original poster
tomatoplantproject · 01/07/2015 00:36

Ok I think. Will hear later this week.

The begging and pleading has started. Oh joy.

OP posts:
CateCadiz · 01/07/2015 00:39

I think deep down somewhere you knew he hadn't finished it Tom. You never got the actions to go with the words. For a supposedly intelligent man, he sure has made a right balls up of dealing with this whole affair. You pleaded with him for weeks for full disclosure, if there was to be any hope of moving on. He chooses to continue to lie, but then a counsellor says he must tell you the truth. He does that, presumably thinking you are going to say OK darling, that's fine now you've finally been honest. We'll just forget all the pain you've caused. Deluded idiot.

You are going to be alright Tom. You now know all you need to know about the man you're married to. A woman like you deserves much much better.x.

Original poster
tomatoplantproject · 01/07/2015 00:39

This affair is the gift which keeps on giving. That's for sure.

I just want to have some peace.

OP posts:
Original poster
tomatoplantproject · 01/07/2015 00:41

Cate you are spot on. He expects me to forgive and forget now I know. Nuts.

OP posts:
BloodontheTracks · 01/07/2015 00:49

Hi Tom

I apologise for being too brutal before. But I'm really very sorry things came out this way.

I think what my pushing was about was a feeling that the boil needed to be lanced. There was no way the truth was out. And no one is allowed to move on or understand their life when the facts are hidden from them like that.

This is the first time I have had even the teeniest bit of time for your DH. It is in character and almost grimly funny that after seeing the consequences of HIS CHOICES, he then argued with you about how it would have been better if he hadn't been honest. And tried to press home how you would never have discovered. Particularly interesting is his shock at your assertion you would have spoken to OW. I feel like he hasn't seen this Tom. And isn't able to imagine his carefully compartmentalised life being truly exposed.

What the honesty does is save everyone time. This could have dragged on YEARS. I'm not exaggerating. We see it on here all the time, and I've seen it with people in real life. Years and years of 'managing' people and lying and a heart split in two and one person destroyed by a sense they can't put their finger on that though the cheater stayed, some part of them has never returned. The most important and impressive thing about this truth is how much of everyone's time is saves. I am glad he was (finally) honest.

I am also impressed and moved that you are sticking to your bottom line which you set for yourself previously. You said that if you discovered he was going with her then you were done. And it has been shown that during that period he was still in touch with her, and planning to go away with her. When we deliver on our own bottom lines we remind ourselves that we matter, and that we exist and have standards for ourselves. It is like treating yourself as a good friend, not allowing your future self to put up with shit you would never allow someone else you cared about to go through.

Although I am sure that the counsellor was a factor, I also think that his cancelling the holiday will have had a big impact on the situation with OW (who he was still seriously involved with and considering being with). I think he would have found it difficult to keep being in this limbo period for much longer as he was at risk of losing both women, and quite possibly told the truth in order to force the situation with tom. This is very common in cheaters and is a way of making the betrayed choose to either commit (out of fear of genuinely losing the partner) or reject ( allowing them to be free to be with the other person and not have to skulk around anymore). Either way, at least this means the cheater doesn't lose EVERYTHING.

You are absolutely not the bad guy. Absolutely the opposite. All that has happened is you have the real information now, and you can finally make a decision rather than second guess and fret. You will probably feel emotionally exhausted for the next little while as adrenaline wears off. Please make sure you have some real life support and write down things you feel right now so you don't begin to rationalise or forget. We are here for you whenever you need us. Anger can be your friend. You are free.

Original poster
tomatoplantproject · 01/07/2015 01:02

Blood you are amazing.

I have been waiting and waiting for the truth from him. I keep going back to a letter I wrote when I first found out saying he had to cut all contact out of respect for me. He didn't, so he doesn't respect me.

I don't see how I can spend 30 more years with someone who can lie and compartmentalise like this. I would never know.

OP posts:
whitsernam · 01/07/2015 03:13

This sounds like devastating news, but really, it just shows you once again who he really is. You've given him such a beautiful chance to do the right thing and now you find out he wasn't even trying to be honest with you, so now you can feel you've done your best. He'll twist things around, but you know for sure now. Game over.