Husband's affair - Tom is moving on

[tomatoplantproject]

I took a break from mumsnet for a little while. It has been an eventful little while. Mumsnet keeps breaking and I'm sorry but I can't link my previous threads.

My husband had an affair with an Italian, I found out over 2 months ago. I kicked him out and since then have been trying to rebuild my life whilst keeping things stable for my little girl. I have an amazing family and friends who have been looking out for me.

We have had various discussions since I found out and have been seeing a Relate counsellor. Various posters have been warning me to be wary given how he has been behaving.

He was due to go to Spain last week on his own for a holiday - he cancelled at the very last minute after I asked him not to go and has been spending time with dd and I. Things were starting to thaw between us and we were building at least a friendship.

I had a job interview this evening and he did dd's bedtime routine for me. When I came home he sat me down and told me he was going to be honest with me. He has been in touch with the Italian Job since I found out, and they were due to go to Spain to see if they had a long term future. He pulled out on the Sunday after I asked him not to go.

I won't ever trust him ever again, and he hasn't put me first or respected my wishes that he is not in touch with her. So I am done. Once and for all. I can now move on.

You were all right. I just wasn't ready to believe you.

Have lurked on your thread from the start Tom and have to say how I admire you and how you have coped. Just de lurking this evening to say 'don't rise to it' . He is a needy self indulgent twunt and cannot abide being not the centre of your attention. So he contacts you with stuff that's annoying, just because he's a fucking two-year old who has to do something, anything, to get a response from you. If I were you I would send back a message agreeing to the stuff you are happy to give him and just tell him factually that you don't agree to the chairs and that if he wants to dispute this he must include his request to his solicitor and it can be decided by the judge once you have had your opportunity to explain why you don't agree. Keep it factual, succinct, cold, clinical and to the point. You need to add that you are not prepared to get into an email exchange about it, he either accepts your decision or gets the judge to decide it.

Thank you.

I've well and truly messed that one up - I properly rose and we've had a storming row over email.

Lesson learned.

It's inevitable.

You're both angry - you entirely justifiably, he entirely unjustifiably.

So you had a row over chairs.

It's fine. And now it's over.

So he has decided to throw his dummy and stamp his feet...not entirely unexpected. I can totally understand your response but this is the time to reall gather your strength and stop yourself from going there, especially by email

Play the game, reel him in,you need to be cool, calm, collected and distant. He will get increasingly desperate and come a cropper, you meanwhile will be beyond approach, and then kick him in the balls when it really matters

Pick your battles my love, and let this twat wonder what the fuck is going on

You've just made me smile - thanks twinkle.

Xpost Christina. I need to have that stuck on my wall somewhere!

This anger I've been living with is such a new emotion - I'm not normally angry at all. I just saw red earlier.

Anger is perfectly normal, your a better woman than me...I woul have given him his chairs.... Piece by piece ;-)

I want to keep them. They keep being sat on by people I love and I want to keep seating the people I love on them.

I would happily hand everything else over in pieces though

Are you happy being back at work or are you finding everything a bit much?

So keep all 8. They are a set and shouldn't be split up. He can buy some new ones. (Realise I am massively missing the emotional aspect here). Won't do him any harm to realise he can't have everything he wants (again).

Its good to be back at work and mostly coping. Have had some little wins recently which has helped. Glad to have wednesdays off and have a quiet day though so I'm still quite fresh by the end of the week.

Dd's tantrums getting less frequent but when she has one she goes for it, normally brought on by tiredness, and those really take it out of me. Last night it was about half an hour, ending only when I gave her some really wrapped up tight cuddles like she was a baby. And then today she has been good as gold all day.

Counting down to leaving for my folks and christmas. Have got framed photos of dd for her to give everyone so that duty is done.

So I'm ok. Surviving. Through the worst of the storm but not out yet.

Tom, your wee girl liking a 'tight hug'. I think you've said in the past she'd not such a great sleeper, or she takes a while to fall asleep, is that correct?

If so Im wondering if you have a look at 'proprioception' relating to the sensory world of children to see if it 'fits' so to speak. If so you could then work out a wee sensory diet for her that might make all the difference to her tantrums. Its just a thought Ive had about her for a wee while now and your mention of what sound like a form of 'burrito roll' prompted me to bring it up.

Re the chairs? I haven't had to face this problem but my daughter did and she just let him have what he wanted. In fact she even let him have what he didn't want. I dont know how you feel about that but - are chairs worth aggro?

You'll be going to see your mum and dad soon and you're going to get spoilt rotten. You're going to be their child and you can stop being an adult for quite a few days. No wonder you're looking forward to it xxxxxx

So it's ok for him to rip your marriage away from you - something with much more sentimental value than chairs - yet he throws a hissy fit at how unreasonable you're being for wanting to keep hold of at least something with some happy associations for you.

That man has no self awareness whatsoever. Tosser.

Keep the chairs - KEEP THE MELONFARMING CHAIRS! You have agreed to everything on his petty list bar this - and so that makes you unreasonable? Nopey no no no. Keep. The. Chairs.

The devil in me suggests you buy him a lovely set of 8 doll's house chairs and tell him he can have all 8 of them for his new, smaller, residence...

Hi Tom, I only post on your threads infrequently, but I watch to see how you are doing. So I want to comment on #chairgate

They keep being sat on by people I love and I want to keep seating the people I love on them

That resonates with me so much. For reasons too long to go into, I ended up with a 3-seater sofa and THREE armchairs. DM, DF and DH elected to have an armchair each - all in their preferred positions in the lounge. When we moved house, the entire suite went with us and DF, DM (live at a distance but with us for holidays every 2-3 months) decided where THEIR chairs would go and DH put his chair in his chosen position.

Now this is the interesting bit:

When DF died, my DH still continued to pass the Guardian crossword over to DF's empty chair - as if he would get inspiration! Nobody sat in DF's chair other than my DM who would sometimes say, "I'll just sit in your Dad's chair for a bit" . All visitors had to have my 3-seater sofa option. We eventually had to buy a new suite and I panicked when I had to choose a 3-seater/2 arm chair. I actually broke down in tears in the shop and said to DH, "I can't do it". My DH knew how important DF's chair was to me, so we had an extra DF chair made for an extortionate amount of money!

When DH died, nobody could sit in his armchair either - I would move DM's chair to any position in the lounge as long as they didn't sit in DF's or DH's armchair. My memories of special moments are linked to where we were sitting at that time.

So I am totally 'getting' #chairgate!

I am sending my usual thoughts/prayers to you. You are doing so well. Stay strong my lovely!

Thank you all. Sadwidow thats such a lovely post.

I'm keeping the chairs. I let rip with both barrels and told him if he wanted to not get into a fight to leave me alone and not rile me.

He's such an arrogant scumbag. I've changed his name in my phone to Scum which makes me smile. How he thinks we can be amicable is beyond me. I certainly don't want to be friends or be polite because we still "respect" each other (which is what he seems to think will happen).

San - I think she's just a normal 3 year old. I met a friend on the bus who is having similar tantrum issues with her 3 year old too. I have got myself into a routine of reading a book and then cuddling her to sleep but 9 times out of 10 she is gone before 7.30. He seems to have a problem with my methods but they work fine for me . She is a bit fussy about food and has a little appetite but she eats lots more at nursery when there is peer pressure and has energy, is growing etc.

I am so looking forward to the day I don't have to deal with him and everything is split and sorted.

Tom, you are going to be so proud of me next year when I do my own
tomatoplantproject.

You inspired me last year and I am planning to learn how to grow tomatoes ...... DH was the gardener in our family and I used to push him in his wheelchair to nip out those extra shoots.

I think I have worked out what I need: Alicante and Moneymaker - good compost and lots of attention! If they try to 'leg it' I have cut the tops off, shout loudly and tell them to behave!

I then have to shoot all squirrels, rabbits and Magpies with a water pistol but I introduce slugs to beer.

Is that right? Any more tips for my tomatoplantproject

San - I think she's just a normal 3 year old.

I know. But I think people would be surprised at how we all incorporate a sensory work out into our daily life without even knowing we're doing it.

xxx

Sadwidow, that made me laugh

I currently have 40 Tomato plants in the back garden just waiting to be potted on. They're my favourite veg for growing.

Sadwidow - I'm not sure I have the greenest fingers, but if they are in pots make sure they are in really big pots so the roots have some space, lots of water, lots of sunlight and stake them when they start to grow. Mum has much more success growing them in her warm and sun filled greenhouse than I do on my shady little patio.

San - I will have another look later at sensory things.

Another day. Am back to myself again.

So he's hired one of the top divorce lawyers. Represents some of the wealthiest men in their big high profile divorces. I need to hear back from shl but hoping I can fox that little relationship.

I don't know whether to laugh or cry. He's using a sledgehammer to crack a nut and will spending an absolute fortune in fees. I feel like the little nut!

But really? What was he thinking? Is it his ego talking? Is this just the escalation I knew would happen once he got properly angry?

Tom, its both his ego and the escalation that you knew was coming.

And whilst nothing can make this any better you've seen it as a sledgehammer to crack and nut and so will those around him. They will see him for what he is - a complete and utter wanker. And I would put money on a judge seeing this and thinking WTF is going on here?

Please take a deep breath and do not let him see how scared etc you are.

xxxx

An expensive lawyer makes no difference to the law.

The XH of a friend of mine hired a top divorce lawyer and it
made no difference to the outcome whatsoever. It just cost him a lot more money.

Could also be privately viewed by the judge in the same way you see it Tom, which could work very well for you as well as costing him a heap