Husband's affair - Tom is moving on

[tomatoplantproject]

I took a break from mumsnet for a little while. It has been an eventful little while. Mumsnet keeps breaking and I'm sorry but I can't link my previous threads.

My husband had an affair with an Italian, I found out over 2 months ago. I kicked him out and since then have been trying to rebuild my life whilst keeping things stable for my little girl. I have an amazing family and friends who have been looking out for me.

We have had various discussions since I found out and have been seeing a Relate counsellor. Various posters have been warning me to be wary given how he has been behaving.

He was due to go to Spain last week on his own for a holiday - he cancelled at the very last minute after I asked him not to go and has been spending time with dd and I. Things were starting to thaw between us and we were building at least a friendship.

I had a job interview this evening and he did dd's bedtime routine for me. When I came home he sat me down and told me he was going to be honest with me. He has been in touch with the Italian Job since I found out, and they were due to go to Spain to see if they had a long term future. He pulled out on the Sunday after I asked him not to go.

I won't ever trust him ever again, and he hasn't put me first or respected my wishes that he is not in touch with her. So I am done. Once and for all. I can now move on.

You were all right. I just wasn't ready to believe you.

Damn right, good for you. You're the mistress of your own destiny and I'm so glad you're not saddled to him and can flourish for yourself.

If nothing else Tom, it shows what and where his concerns are for DD. I know you said he loves her to bits, but he is still putting himself first, by the action he has taken!

This big wide world appears to revolve around him and his needs only.

I imagine he's now preparing the big gesture to win the Italian back. Lucky lady.

Wanker. Didn't take him long to get vindictive. Shows how right you were to decide to dump his cheating arse.

The best thing you can do as well as getting your ducks in a very neat row is to disengage - no texts, emails etc unless its about your DC. The more detached you are, the less impact he will have on you and you will have more headspace to focus on your new life.

I'm tempted to get in touch with her but won't. If it means he is off my hands she is welcome to him.

I reckon he is going to fly over to Italy next friday for a long romantic weekend, present a beautiful piece of jewellery, charm charm charm.

Dd and I meanwhile will be off caravanning with my parents and getting up to mischief on the beach. And celebrating my birthday.

I haven't even dumped him yet!! He said don't make any rash decisions so I said I would think about it.

"Don't make any rash decisions"?!?

He is an almighty chump.

Tom if you think he's gonna be be having a "romantic weekend" with the numb skull, why ( if I can ask) have you not dumped him yet?

He has shown his thoughts on you and DD by emptying the joint account..

In your own time, but "reins by the horn" sounds appropriate!

He will do what he wants regardless anyway (and justify it to fit).

By doing that, he has just confirmed that you are doing exactly the right thing by ending this (not that it needed confirming) I'm sure his sister must be ashamed of him and I hope she tells him so.

I'm nervous. Procrastinating. Haven't picked up the phone. Don't know what to say. Am putting off the avalanche of emotion from him that is likely to come my way. Want my ducks in a row in case he does something silly - like move back in when we are away.

Understandably so.

It sounds like,if he's drained the account, that you've decided anyway. Might he have deduced that from what you told his Dsis?

Oops. I mean that he thinks you've already decided.

So why, if he is under the impression that you still haven't made a final decision, has he done such a nasty thing regarding money?

He may well have thought I have made my decision. I made it very clear that I was less than impressed and he had crossed a line when he told me.

Well on a practical view, keep the key in the door (no unwanted appearances)

Procastination is fine Tom- in your time frame-=your control!

Lucky escape.

For you obviously!

Tom. I knew this would happen but I didn't bring it up because I wanted you to have a few more hours peace.

Please from now on do what is the best for you because of you go along with him he will scree you over and if you fight him he will do the same. You are damned if you do and dammed if you don't so please accept this and be damned because you are thinking of you and how you go in to the future with your daughter.

Hic!

Xxxx

Attempting to control you by withdrawing funds is reason enough to end it, never mind all that has gone before. Thinking of you.

He's taken the money because he knows it's over.

I don't think you need to tell him.

"also have to finally let go of my dreams for a big, noisy, happy home filled with my children and their friends, and instead it's going to be just me and dd."

Hey, really, it is not that bad here, on the other side. it is not exactly easy to be a lone parent but you can have an amazing life. I have problems with my exh from time to time, but in general, the days I have spent as a divorced woman have been very empowering and very gratifying. It gas been the happiest period in my life.

If it helps, keep this in mind: It is far more difficult to take the decission to split than dealing with the consequences of that decision.

Good luck! :-)

Thank you for the warning. Unfortunately I already know he will do whatever he can to screw me over. Hence I need to start my own preparations.

My "prize" if I can make it happen is a nice little 2-3 bed place locally with dd in a good school. I need to talk to the estate agent and a lawyer now to start working through the detail of how I can make it happen because I'm going to have to be super smart and maybe a bit creative to get there.

Agree twinkle

And I think he is saying - I've been really good to you til now (ha fucking ha) now see what happens when I'm not...

Me too, mother. I mean - I'm happily remarried and all but those single years were great. Such freedom! Such little cooking ;)

And I've xposted - I have a basic optimism that I will land sunny side up, and I am sure I can create a happy future. It's just not the future I had planned. I need to let go of those dreams and create some new ones.

I am incredibly fortunate that I have dd. She is a true delight. I have single friends who are coming to terms of not meeting someone in time to have children. We will be a little team and I will be her rock.