Husband's affair - Tom is moving on

[tomatoplantproject]

I took a break from mumsnet for a little while. It has been an eventful little while. Mumsnet keeps breaking and I'm sorry but I can't link my previous threads.

My husband had an affair with an Italian, I found out over 2 months ago. I kicked him out and since then have been trying to rebuild my life whilst keeping things stable for my little girl. I have an amazing family and friends who have been looking out for me.

We have had various discussions since I found out and have been seeing a Relate counsellor. Various posters have been warning me to be wary given how he has been behaving.

He was due to go to Spain last week on his own for a holiday - he cancelled at the very last minute after I asked him not to go and has been spending time with dd and I. Things were starting to thaw between us and we were building at least a friendship.

I had a job interview this evening and he did dd's bedtime routine for me. When I came home he sat me down and told me he was going to be honest with me. He has been in touch with the Italian Job since I found out, and they were due to go to Spain to see if they had a long term future. He pulled out on the Sunday after I asked him not to go.

I won't ever trust him ever again, and he hasn't put me first or respected my wishes that he is not in touch with her. So I am done. Once and for all. I can now move on.

You were all right. I just wasn't ready to believe you.

I'm astonished more than anything. He did say that it would have been better if he hadn't been honest, hence me saying I would have pushed and pushed to get the evidence of what really happened.

I'm seeing the counsellor on Monday on my own. My priority now is to sort out me and dd and to maintain the minimum cordial contact necessary for dd. I have said we need to work out a fixed schedule.

It beggars belief that I showed him what life would be like on his own without dd and I and rather than doing everything he needed to repair his wrongs he went running back to her. I spelled out what he needed to do time and again and he just ignored it. Fucking idiot. He threw dd and I away because he was feeling sorry for himself and a bit lonely.

Tom, please dont judge him by the standards of an ordinary person because he's not. He's a very damaged soul and everything he does is borne out of that damaged soul. He just wont 'get it', ever!

X-post. Blood you hit the nail. He actually said "why didn't you fight for me". Dur.......

that's exactly right, tom, i think. he chose to put his short-term needs and feeling ahead of anyone else, even his wife and child, and he chose to do that AGAIN even after he'd been discovered. That is more than a mistake, that is a trait, towards cowardice and self-soothing and deceit. And I'm sorry to say I suspect that as a trait that's not something that will change, and probably something that has been there in the background before.

Weebirdie - even if he does get it, I cannot face living with someone who lies so easily, puts themselves first, and escapes by running off to someone else when life gets tricky. I would rather be on my own.

He has proven time and again he doesn't have the ability or desire to put me first.

Tom,

I have to say, I really admire you, I read your threads and I use to think to myself, she is going round in circles.
You really did try very hard and gave him a huge chance, but I think you knew at the back of it all, he still wasn't honest with you ( withholding the phone) and will never really have the full ability to do so.
Not now, but one say you will look in the mirror and you will be so proud of yourself, I really wish you the very best of luck with the new job, whichever one you go for. He will still continue to play the "poor me" card.

You can tell him he can go now and continue with his lies to the OW and tell her he picked her, but you'll always know the truth, this will really hit home to him what a despicable liar he is

ugh. another quite sad thing about the 'why didn't you fight for me' cheater is that underlying that is quite an unpleasant assumption about worth in the relationship. Cheaters normally say that when they feel that they are worth more as a partner than the betrayed. That they are somewhat in demand, as a prize, and that this is quietly obvious.

It doesn't occur that the very nature of their infidelitous actions makes them a broken prospect that needs to change before any relationship can really be considered. This is why so many OW actually leave at the point of affair discovery, because they were getting some need satisfied by an occasional, exciting fling, they don't actually want to take on someone so flawed as a life partner.

Tom, I think I didnt make my point very clearly.

So, on a personal level I only found myself being able to move on after I could well and truly say with confidence - he's a sociopath. It was killing me trying get over everything that was going on whilst I approaching it as 'my husband is an ordinary joe bloggs type of bastard'. And it was only when I thought to myself this is very different, that I was able to stop hurting so much, and all I can say is that just as I don't take my sons actions personally, I no longer take my husbands action personally either. Yes, at times I have my thoughts on things but if I believed his behaviour really was a reflection on me I'd have flung myself off the roof by now. So no matter what my husband does I bounce it right back to him and make it about him and nothing about me.

I hope that's a better explanation.

Oh and I did the pick me dance, it was the most miserable dance of all and after it he said to me, 'you won'. To this day I can recall lying in bed that night thinking - yep, you won, you won the bloody booby prize.

oh wee that's heartbreaking. i'm so sorry for your pain.

I cross posted with Blood and Im laughing at her mention of a prize and me saying I won the booby prize.

I told him that he wasn't a prize that I was going to compete for. I told him that it was the other way round and that he needed to be fighting for me and that by him not fighting I knew everything I needed to know.

She is welcome to him.

I am worried about the dance that is to come. I need to be strong to keep him at arm's length and I know he is going to use dd to get in.

Hmmm I wonder if when he told the Italian he wasn't going to Spain she either dumped him or threatened to tell you the plan unless he confessed.

I'm wondering if he is back in touch with her now.

There is actually no point in having any dialogue with him.

The trust and respect are gone. They won't return and he is out for himself and does what suits him as and when.

Xpost wee. I don't think I'm ready to move on in the way you have described. I just need to move away from him now.

I feel such sorrow that someone as warm and giving could end up in such a position as you.

Quite - apparently she went ballistic at him when he called off the holiday. As if I care.

post wee. I don't think I'm ready to move on in the way you have described. I just need to move away from him now.

I takes time Tom, a very long time, but really the only point Im trying to make is that nothing he says about you is a reflection on you. Its all a reflection on him.

And Blood, its ok, really. Im fine.

It's hard. I know I'm not cold and ruthless. Or vindictive. Or any of the other things he has said. I know I kept engaging in conversations with him long after I should have stopped. But there's a little voice questioning that.

I also have to finally let go of my dreams for a big, noisy, happy home filled with my children and their friends, and instead it's going to be just me and dd.

He's so arrogant - he really did hope he'd keep the door open. I am relieved that you told him that you are not doing the pick me! dance.

I know that posters occasionally say our default response is LTB. I often read threads and hold a view about something but if the OP is still holding out hope, amidst all the evidence to the contrary, now and then I can't be the only one thinking, you know what - I would rather be proved wrong than right.

I am sadly not surprised that H was planning yet another rendezvous. He and characters like him do love to think they are fought over. Irian is spot on. There can be a kick out of (apparently) baring all in the new found honesty after the initial revelations which sees them centre stage. It's almost a god complex.

Ah well. You all told me so! I don't mind admitting I was wrong. I should have called it a day there and then but if I had I don't think I would have seen the depths of his deception. I would have been left wondering whether we could rebuild.

I had refused to talk about us having a future until he was honest. I can be pretty stubborn and he knew he wasn't getting anywhere. He took me out on a date and tried his very hardest but I wasn't playing. Hence me being cold.

I didn't have a timeframe on the waiting for him to be honest. I thought I would sort out job and keep going and at some point in the future something would happen. I knew the truth would be something I didn't like because he had said I would leave him. If he gave me a "truth" which was palatable I would have looked for evidence and/or called her.

I have just busted him to his sister. Oops.

So glad you know now.

What did his sister say?

Disappointed. He lied to his family too.

Full disclosure was last night, I wouldn't be in a place to make definite long-term decisions just yet.

Do you think the affair has now finished?

He loved that Italian woman you know, a lot. But he loves you more.

Tom,

Hope you're OK, I would imagine your H will really start to change tactics when he realizes you are not going to have him back.
You said he didn't fight for you before, this will now be a big challenge to him and he will pull out all the stops to get you back, purely to inflate his own massive ego. He won't want the OW now when he sees he has little choice and is no longer the "prize".
Also, if you do file for Divorce, I am pretty sure he will get very nasty, based on the type of personality you described from your previous threads.
I wouldn't be surprised if he returns back home, as he will see it, he's played your game long enough, and its his house he can come home if he wants.
Hope you are strong for the next few months, its going to be tough.

He saw how devastated I was when I found out. He said he was shocked at how hurt and devastated I was. He said that the strength of my reaction meant he would never cheat again.

And yet he was in touch with her and planned a holiday with her.

So he lied and cheated, saw the impact of his lies and then decided to lie again. If full disclosure had happened when I asked for it and if he had bent over backwards at the time I think we may have had a chance.

It's been 10 months of lies now.

Dd is 2.8. If we split now and manage it well she is less likely to be devastated. If I give him another chance I would in time make having another child a condition of us staying together (which may be warped, I don't know). If it were to fall apart in the future 2 children would be affected, and dd would be old enough to be more damaged.

I reckon I will be able to afford a little 2-3 bedroom flat for us, and will be able to create a lovely little home with enough space for us and my parents to visit. I will have enough money not to be extravagant but to be able to afford to live comfortably and have the odd holiday. But add another child?

The decision is so obvious it is staring me in the face. Making the decision means my head is still. I just won't broadcast it to the world yet - I'm not strong enough to.

You absolutely do NOT need to let go of your dream of a big, happy family home filled with your daughter's friends and yours. In fact I would say now it is even MORE likely. Especially given the health and safety consequences for small children and fucking stone fucking floors.

Truly though, you will find you can create a more extended, bohemian, familial situation with friends and family and maybe more children, with or of someone else down the line. See towards the end of this

Have you seen Choco's recent repost? Choco was in a terrible position three years ago. Her husband had an affair and left for the OW while she was pregnant. We went through a time of supporting her on here. She even started a blog (one I hope she wouldn't mind me linking to... bearhuntsandnewbeginnings.blogspot.co.uk/search?updated-min=2015-01-01T00:00:00Z&updated-max=2016-01-01T00:00:00Z&max-results=10)

She is genuinely very happy now. At the time it seemed dark and unimaginable.

Yes, your DH will alternate between neediness, sorrow and flashes of rage and strength intended to scare you. The aim should be to disengage to the point where neither affects you any more, just as with a child, as I think a poster above mentioned.