Husband's affair - Tom is moving on

[tomatoplantproject]

I took a break from mumsnet for a little while. It has been an eventful little while. Mumsnet keeps breaking and I'm sorry but I can't link my previous threads.

My husband had an affair with an Italian, I found out over 2 months ago. I kicked him out and since then have been trying to rebuild my life whilst keeping things stable for my little girl. I have an amazing family and friends who have been looking out for me.

We have had various discussions since I found out and have been seeing a Relate counsellor. Various posters have been warning me to be wary given how he has been behaving.

He was due to go to Spain last week on his own for a holiday - he cancelled at the very last minute after I asked him not to go and has been spending time with dd and I. Things were starting to thaw between us and we were building at least a friendship.

I had a job interview this evening and he did dd's bedtime routine for me. When I came home he sat me down and told me he was going to be honest with me. He has been in touch with the Italian Job since I found out, and they were due to go to Spain to see if they had a long term future. He pulled out on the Sunday after I asked him not to go.

I won't ever trust him ever again, and he hasn't put me first or respected my wishes that he is not in touch with her. So I am done. Once and for all. I can now move on.

You were all right. I just wasn't ready to believe you.

What you got last night wasn't honesty.

It was yet another gambit, another strategy in his long-running game of getting his own way.

You can tell, because he was angry when it didn't play out as he had anticipated.

His open admission that he may as well not have told you, given your reaction, shows that the counsellor convinced him that telling you about the affair was important to his end goal.

But he did not tell you out of any respect, or love, for you. He didn't finally realise that he owed you the truth about your marriage.

This wasn't a much delayed act of decency and honesty.

It was just his latest move in a game he is still playing with the intention of winning, regardless of what is best for you.

You still don't have any kind of truth from him.

Just more selfishness and game playing.

Bjrce - thank you for the warning. Yes he will start fighting.

I am determined to keep home life stable for dd, and my priority is staying here to get her into school. I will use whatever tactics I can deploy to secure her future, and whatever he has done to me he adores her.

I will need to play my hand carefully.

listen to yourself, tom. You are trying to tell yourself what to do. You have been since the beginning. Like a good friend. You already know.
peacefulrivers.homestead.com/maryoliver.html

Blood thank you. I keep getting distracted by dd so need to look again later but that poem has just made me cry.

Bathtime - you are right. He didn't tell me for me, but because the counsellor had convinced him he had to tell me if we had a chance of staying together.

Right I have to pay dd some attention. I am being a neglectful mummy today and she deserves a bit of me at least.

So it took all these months for him to be honest. And he only did that to get what he wanted. He wasn't honest for your sake at all. And he's openly admitted to those motives by saying 'so much for honesty'. He doesn't think you as his wife deserved his honesty. What a complete shit.

is true. he wasn't honest because of a realisation they had to go from what is actually TRUE the Tom deserved to know what he was and how he felt, but as a tactic, which he then resented not 'working'

it's not the frame of mind of someone solid and healthy to be with

Ah tom it had to happen, you were on an emotional roller coaster

The decision is made so you can move on now. I know that it was important for you to try and you did but a marriage takes two

Right girl, time to get your light x

He is just a shit. I don't have the energy to think of anything more apt. He saw what I was going through and everything I said and thought it would be a good idea to carry on with his carrying ons. And somehow it becomes my fault because I'm coming to terms with the fallout from his fucking around.

I've been in a right old slump all day. I'm knackered from bad sleep and my head is a muddle from it all. Poor little dd hasn't had the best of me today but seems fine.

I didn't get one of the jobs. That is fine, I said I wouldn't for the exact reason they gave. Tomorrow I hear about the other one. I also have another interview tomorrow afternoon.

So I reckon today is a write off to wallow and tomorrow I have to dust myself off and start trundling forwards again. At least dd will have nursery so a bit more stimulation than she has had today.

Tom, so sorry. I was also very suspect at the not showing phone thing.

Genuinely wish you well

good idea, tom. allow yourself some wimbledon and some rest. Queen Serena just took to the courts, be fearsomely inspired!

Sorry to hear all this, but glad you are closer to being rid of him. have always viewed him as an arsehole, none of his actions have shown respect or any genuine desire to show you he could make amends.

Agree with Pps that he is still being dishonest. I think there will be more you don't know about, and don't need to know now you've decided to move on.

You might well have or live with more children in the future, but even if not you and DD can be happy.

Well bloody done for pursuing work opportunities amidst all this, you are due some luck, hope something great comes along very soon!

I missed queen serena unfortunately. She is magnificent though.

I don't know what else there is out there that he hasn't told me. Its unlikely he will tell the whole truth now and I don't think it makes any difference to the outcome. I will never ever be able to trust him again.

I am super ready for a change of luck. This is how its going to be.

Tomorrow I get offered a shiny new job with amazing people. 4 days a week. I then phone nursery and childcare is covered.

I then find a lovely SHL who sorts out divorce, finances and access to dd. In super quick time.

And then and only once finances are sorted do I win the lottery. I then have the wonderful problem of securing our future financially and then spreading the goodwill to worthy causes.

And because of all the yoga I have been doing I wake up one day with a washboard stomach. I meet some yummy yoga instructor/tree surgeon/ paediatrician. We go on to make more babies together and dd is the most fantastic big sister.

And live happily ever after. Or something.

All of that sounds eminently achievable, Tomato. Don't be afraid to set your sights high.

Like I said I am due a change of luck

I have started reading Choco's blog. She is amazing. Thank you blood for linking it xx

no problem and i totally buy that new life, no reason why not at all!

Lots of luck for that job tomorrow

I've had a decent nights sleep and shockingly dd has too despite the heat. Which is a good thing since today is the first day of the next phase.

I've woken up thinking that although he won't see it in this way, the truth has been a gift. I no longer doubt myself. My instincts are not telling me one thing and him another and my head trying to reconcile the two whilst yearning for our planned future. I feel free from that turmoil.

I can't remember who said the counsellor had an agenda to keep us together. I'm not sure she did. She will have known - or strongly suspected - that when I heard the truth that would be it. Nevertheless she pushed him to tell the truth. When I met her last week and after I told her what I had been up to she kept telling me how strong I am - she was like a cheerleader for me striking out on my own.

I don't understand why posters are saying he is damaged and that is why he is a cheating lying twat. I know I have been damaged but have managed to be a half decent person. Isn't it him making a choice because he wants too and because he loves himself more than his wife and child?

Hey Tom, onwards and upwards, today is the first day of the rest of your life

I don't understand why posters are saying he is damaged and that is why he is a cheating lying twat

There is damaged and there is damaged and no one is saying excuse him for what he did because he is damaged. They are saying this guy really is damaged as in there is a lot more to him than being an average cheater so get out when you can.

You said because he loves himself more and that is it in a nutshell. He is very narcissistic and that takes his cheating to a whole different level.

Isn't it him making a choice because he wants too and because he loves himself more than his wife and child?

Yes.

Can you be "damaged" by your own self-regard?

I think that's just called being an irredeemable twat.

Tomato, you sound much better today even though you must still be reeling.

Our weekend starts today so Im off to Dubai with my youngest daughter to rig out my bedroom. Its taken me till now to do it, 2.5 years after separating, but I was determined I was going to do it when I felt ready and I knew what the 'new' me would like in terms of design etc and much to my amazement Im going feminine. Whereas in the past we both liked the boutique hotel look. Im thinking of this for my new bed, what do you all think of it?

www.ethanallen.com/en_US/shop-furniture-bedroom-beds/elise-bed/375620.html#start=19&sz=18

I wont make up my mind though till I see it and I'll need help sorting out the style of curtain to go for so maybe we can all occupy ourselves with doing a bit of interior design.

Im really looking forward to going off with my wee girl, she's married, a newly wed so to speak, and between that and my other children all having children who take up so much of my time its safe to say that me and my wee one hardly get any extended time together. All the others are away for the summer so its just been me and her and its been great. She's no longer a 'big girl', she's a young woman, and she's our wee munchkin because she's only 5'3" tall whilst the rest of us are very tall. So its really funny to be looking down at this wee thing from my lofty height and for her to come out with her wisdom when we're having a chat. I think hang on a minute you just left school, then I remember no actually Birdie, she's 25 and a teacher now! Its been a really good few weeks with her and I'll tell you funny story about when she was getting married.

We were all at dinner one night, the whole family was here and she was being teased that her boyfriend had asked her to marry him and his family were coming to do the official proposal. Part of the legal/official process is whats called a Maher which is like a dowry without actually being one. And unlike a dowry it goes to the bride and is hers and hers only. Anyway we were teasing her about the Maher when one of my son started piling her plate high with food, he was also telling us the desserts were for the Munchkin - because if we sell her by the inch we'll not get much, so we have to fatten her up and sell her by the pound instead.

I always think of that and the evening she was getting married and when at the last minute her nerves failed her and she wouldn't come into the wedding venue where 400 women were waiting for her. Her husband was in the Mosque doing the actual ceremony and we had it beamed from there to the hall so we could watch it and it was planned that just as they were married the doors would open and she'd walk in. Only she didn't and she refused to move till me and her sister went out and walked in with her! So we did, and it was funny, she was crying and we had to lead her in with her bridesmaids coming in behind us. Anyway half way in she suddenly said - ok, Im ok now, I can do this, and off she went down to where she was to sit on the decorated stage the brides and groom have here.

Then there was the men in the family escorted the groom in and when a traditional wedding dance was being done the music suddenly changed to Gangham style and all the men who were there, all dressed up in their national dress, started doing a Gangham dance and after a few minutes my daughter was taken into the circle as well. It was really funny and so unexpected.

Anyway this weekend away with her has made me think of so many things and I just wanted to share in the hope it cheers you up even for a few minutes.

xxxxx

There is a backstory to him which for me helps explain why he is damaged and it goes back to his mother and some really shit stuff she went through during her teenage years which has impacted her whole adulthood. This has impacted on her own parenting ability I think. In some way this has meant he fundamentally sees the world in a different way because of the lessons he did or didn't learn when he was growing up. Added to this he has a talent and has a charm which have brought him success and professional respect.

The damage is not the whole issue though, because he could have behaved very differently, even since I found out.

I asked him to stop all contact with her. Which he ignored.

I have been asking for total honesty since I found out and it took 2 months to get it.

He has seen the hurt and devastation but never took the actions he needed to start repairing.

I gave him a book telling him what to do. He ignored it.

There is a whole wealth of support on the tinternet if you look. He ignored it.

I even spelled out to him in one of our meets what he needed to do. He ignored it.

He was only "honest" once he was so backed into a corner he had no other option.

During this whole time he has been doing the one thing he knew would make me end it, and he was sufficiently arrogant to think he would get away with it.

He has professed to love me and to want us to be a proper family unit but there is nothing in his actions which suggests he is able to ever put anyone ahead of himself, including me and including a very adorable, adoring and defenceless little girl.

I don't actually think he has a soul. I can't live a soulless life.

I am not a psychologist and I am not distanced enough to recognise some of the labels that have been attributed to him, but that is my take.

Thats a lovely story Weebirdie. Did the ladies do that very load la-la-la-la chanting at the wedding? Many years ago I spent almost a year in the Radison in Kuwait and in the summer they had a lot of weddings. The womens section was near the Dow restaurant and they did this chanting. Very hipnotic in a confined space.

Wee - that's a beautiful story. You sound like you have such a loving a close family. I am going to have to rethink my image of you because I've always imagined you being under 5'!!

The bed is lovely. I imagine it covered in beautiful linens, pillows and cushions in lots of soft colours. If you don't already you should get yourself a pinterest habit - I have lost myself for hours and hours on there and my own style is now very clear.