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Original poster

Husband's affair - Tom is moving on

910 replies

tomatoplantproject · 30/06/2015 22:14

I took a break from mumsnet for a little while. It has been an eventful little while. Mumsnet keeps breaking and I'm sorry but I can't link my previous threads.

My husband had an affair with an Italian, I found out over 2 months ago. I kicked him out and since then have been trying to rebuild my life whilst keeping things stable for my little girl. I have an amazing family and friends who have been looking out for me.

We have had various discussions since I found out and have been seeing a Relate counsellor. Various posters have been warning me to be wary given how he has been behaving.

He was due to go to Spain last week on his own for a holiday - he cancelled at the very last minute after I asked him not to go and has been spending time with dd and I. Things were starting to thaw between us and we were building at least a friendship.

I had a job interview this evening and he did dd's bedtime routine for me. When I came home he sat me down and told me he was going to be honest with me. He has been in touch with the Italian Job since I found out, and they were due to go to Spain to see if they had a long term future. He pulled out on the Sunday after I asked him not to go.

I won't ever trust him ever again, and he hasn't put me first or respected my wishes that he is not in touch with her. So I am done. Once and for all. I can now move on.

You were all right. I just wasn't ready to believe you.

OP posts:
Hussarsataparty · 02/07/2015 09:14

Morning, Tom - like others here, I've wondered how you've been. I think you sound very measured - you handled this in your own way, at your own pace, and you've made your own decision. Onwards and upwards, as others have said.

One thing occured to me - he was still hanging around, hoping you'd reconsider and that he could just come back. If he was truly into his Italian Job, he'd surely have jumped at the chance to walk away from you and DD to be with her. He didn't. It says quite a lot about him, doesn't it.

As an aside, I'm an only child, and for 5 years my dad was involved with someone else, when I was a teenager. My mum just kinda despaired of him more and more, and in the end just wouldn't engage with him. I was desperate for her to move on and leave him. Living on a knife edge where I wasn't sure if his OW would turn up drunk, or other disruptive things is no way to live, especially as neither parent would deal with this OW, and I felt like someone should, which left me to the task. DM didn't leave him, they are still together, but living like that sure doesn't make for a happy childhood. I'm glad your DD won't have to live like this.

Hugs to you, you lovely, brave, strong lady.

DrMorbius · 02/07/2015 09:15

My take on this (and I am no psychologist, but have a number of friends having affairs), is that he was choosing. For wahtever reason his future wasn't clear to him, until recently

I asked him to stop all contact with her. Which he ignored because he hadn't made his mind up which way to go. Stay or go with OW.

I have been asking for total honesty since I found out and it took 2 months to get it, caught cheaters never tell the truth, why would they. There is no benefit in it for them, Only a down side.

He has seen the hurt and devastation but never took the actions he needed to start repairing as above thats was becuase he hadn't made his mind up ..

I gave him a book telling him what to do. He ignored it (as above).

There is a whole wealth of support on the tinternet if you look. He ignored it (as above).

I even spelled out to him in one of our meets what he needed to do. He ignored it (as above).

He was only "honest" once he was so backed into a corner he had no other option. He had other options, but he had probably made his mind up to try and save his marriage.

I think he followed a fairly standard path of someone caught in two minds. Sorry to be so frank Tom.

Weebirdie · 02/07/2015 09:17

I don't actually think he has a soul.

Thats what I googled one night when I was in the depth of despair. Or to be more precise is was 'born without a sole'. When the links to certain references came up it was then very easy to understand what was going on with my husband and anything I needed explained a bit more I discussed with my sons psychiatrist who explained then things to me in layman's terms.

I really only started on then road to getting better when my therapist then 'treated' me as someone getting over being married to someone with a major personality disorder and I can recall leaving her office after the first visit thinking - yes, this is it, she got "it", she got me, I, going to be Ok.

Weebirdie · 02/07/2015 09:19

Dr Moribus, yes they did. Sadly its not something Ive ever mastered but maybe its not a case of 'sadly' - maybe its a good thing with my very scottish accent. :D

Weebirdie · 02/07/2015 09:21

Im glad you like the bed Tom, and if its ok I might ask you over the coming weeks for a bit of help.

And as for 5' Grin That would actually be the length of one of my feet!!!!

BathtimeFunkster · 02/07/2015 09:42

For wahtever reason his future wasn't clear to him, until recently

I suspect it still isn't.

In a way, you're back (yet again) to where you started - him claiming to want to work on the marriage, that the affair has been called off, lots of navel gazing holidays planned/suggested/cancelled.

Nothing has really changed. He decided for his own reasons to tell you his affair was still going on.

It seems to me that he has been enjoying this whole drama far too much. He saw no reason to choose while he could look devastated every time he saw you and then go home and organise holidays with his girlfriend.

You have no reason to believe he has "finally" made up his mind, or chosen you, or ended things permanently with her, or stopped lying.

The situation hasn't changed. But you have.

beachyhead · 02/07/2015 09:43

Just de-lurking to offer my support, Tom. I agree with other posters on the 'hedging his bets' statement. I think, at each stage, he was calculating the risk of you finding out and calculating the reward of keeping both of you hanging on.

When you told him not to go on holiday, he saw that as being a green light to come home, a green light to come clean with you (which bizarrely he sees as 'rewarding you with his honesty') and risk annoying the OW by cancelling the holiday as she was being cast aside.

He probably feels tricked into losing both of you and I'm sure that will make him feel angry. Even if he does go back to the Italian Job, she's under no illusion that she was ever first choice.

Good luck with the job search, the lottery and the tree surgeon search.

Weebirdie · 02/07/2015 09:46

The situation hasn't changed. But you have.

Yes. Yes. Yes.

Original poster
tomatoplantproject · 02/07/2015 10:59

Thanks everyone. What you have said has clicked again.

Whilst I was giving him the opportunity to commit to our marriage and our family together, his agenda was very different.

I choose not to live with the turmoil and the head fuckery any longer. It's not the way I want to spend my energy. I want to think about planning nice things, fun activities, having new adventures rather than hanging around wondering what he is up to.

Weebirdie - I would love to help. You might not like my style. Why don't we get a board going on pinterest. I will pm you my name on there when you are ready xx

OP posts:
Twinklestein · 02/07/2015 11:19

Hi Tom, I'm really sorry to hear the latest. But also relieved too. You can get finally get away from him, knowing who he truly is.

Duckdeamon · 02/07/2015 11:25

Your vision for the future sounds pretty good!

Weebirdie · 02/07/2015 11:31

Tom, am looking forward to doing the board.

Thank you Smile

CateCadiz · 02/07/2015 11:50

It appears that he took you asking him not to go on holiday, followed by the counsellor advising honesty, as a green light to believe he would be quids in again if he did. Hence his childish mardy response when you didn't fall at his feet. I really do question his self awareness - well, total lack of it.

Out of curiosity - OK nosiness - why did you ask him not to go Tom? Did you have suspicions that he was meeting the poor mans Sophia Loren?

Original poster
tomatoplantproject · 02/07/2015 12:25

I suspected he was going to meet her. I had thought about hiring a private detective and thought that was the way that madness lay. Christina had suggested I ask him not to go.

He had also spent some time with his family which seemed to have softened him.

So I did as Christina suggested and asked him not to go and to spend some time with dd and I, and it would give us a real opportunity to talk.

The week started off well and we were having some productive conversations but I was holding back until he told me the truth, and he got grumpier and grumpier as the week went on. It ended with him taking me to a fancy pants restaurant on a date. We ended up arguing about something silly.

OP posts:
Joysmum · 02/07/2015 14:57

Your post at 8:58 is spot on Tom

You may want to print that in case you ever get doubts Wink

Original poster
tomatoplantproject · 02/07/2015 16:01

Ah bugger. He's just emptied what was left in the joint accounts. I guess this means the gloves are starting to come off. I need to get myself legalised. I'll get my people onto it right away.

OP posts:
Duckdeamon · 02/07/2015 16:03

Oh no. Yes, get onto all the financial and legal stuff, he doesn't seem like the type to "play nice".

Original poster
tomatoplantproject · 02/07/2015 16:11

Finances I did straight away, but I no need a proper lawyer. A shit hot one in fact.

OP posts:
BloodontheTracks · 02/07/2015 16:18

ugh yeah he really sounds like he's a driven type. As soon as he has the opportunity to frame himself as the victim in this (i.e. I was honest with her and she STILL wouldn't take me back! rather than I was honest with her and when she heard the truth, she understandably couldn't ever trust me again) he will use all the arrogance, money and self-entitlement you have talked about disliking against you.

Well it will certainly make detaching easier.

stay strong, mate. And yes, get the practicals in order. You can do this.

Joysmum · 02/07/2015 16:19

He's proved himself selfish by his treatment of you post affair, then having an affair and trying to string the both of you along post revelations, I guess it wasn't too great leap for a selfish man to be selfish financially too.

As you say, gloves off Sad

SylvaniansAtEase · 02/07/2015 16:26

Call him and tell him he either puts the money in the joint account back or you will tell his entire family that he has taken the joint money from you and your daughter.

JohnFarleysRuskin · 02/07/2015 16:31

I wouldn't contact him- just make sure it's all part of the tally with the solicitors.

He is such a cunt. I can't believe he sat with you in front of the counsellor saying he needed a break and no emails etc and he was actually arranging a holiday with his gf. It's so staggeringly arrogant.

Lacoba66 · 02/07/2015 16:33

I agree with Sylvan's post mostly, but if you can survive without, then that is the path I would choose.

He's trying to manipulate you in to contacting him- on his conditions again...

I also think you are doing great and am in the virtual world cheering you on! [big grin]

Original poster
tomatoplantproject · 02/07/2015 16:34

I find it all highly distasteful.

Fortunately I am not without friends with strong legal networks. I have a free day tomorrow and also Monday to start making calls and visiting people. I just need to put my little ducks into a neat row.

OP posts:
Original poster
tomatoplantproject · 02/07/2015 16:43

I can do without. Its the principle. Fuck. I found out because I tried to buy milk for dd.

I'm not going to say a word to him. Let him stew in his own rancid juices.

I've told his sister, my mum knows. Life is going to get extraordinarily uncomfortable for him back at home. He won't actually be able to play the victim card.

I need to go and visit my estate agent friend too I think. Get a handle on house prices in the area. Schools too.

Work out my bargaining chips.

And get a job. Apparently I won't hear today about the job because my potential boss is sick.

Once I get a job I won't be reliant on him for money.

OP posts: