Husband's affair - Tom is moving on

[tomatoplantproject]

I took a break from mumsnet for a little while. It has been an eventful little while. Mumsnet keeps breaking and I'm sorry but I can't link my previous threads.

My husband had an affair with an Italian, I found out over 2 months ago. I kicked him out and since then have been trying to rebuild my life whilst keeping things stable for my little girl. I have an amazing family and friends who have been looking out for me.

We have had various discussions since I found out and have been seeing a Relate counsellor. Various posters have been warning me to be wary given how he has been behaving.

He was due to go to Spain last week on his own for a holiday - he cancelled at the very last minute after I asked him not to go and has been spending time with dd and I. Things were starting to thaw between us and we were building at least a friendship.

I had a job interview this evening and he did dd's bedtime routine for me. When I came home he sat me down and told me he was going to be honest with me. He has been in touch with the Italian Job since I found out, and they were due to go to Spain to see if they had a long term future. He pulled out on the Sunday after I asked him not to go.

I won't ever trust him ever again, and he hasn't put me first or respected my wishes that he is not in touch with her. So I am done. Once and for all. I can now move on.

You were all right. I just wasn't ready to believe you.

He's angry you've got the gall to divorce him for adultery when in his words 'if you'd played your cards right you could have had him back'.

Why wouldn't you want him? He cheats, he lies, he likes concrete floors...

He can hire Ally McBeal, Pertrocelli and Harvey Spectre he still put his feckin dick in someone else....

I just need not to panic or get intimidated. He told me the other day he didn't want to fight but he's chosen a highly battley lawyer. He said a while ago he didn't want to get lawyers involved because we would just give a ton of money to them - well no wonder if he has chosen the most expensive one out there!!

And actually his "not wanting to fight" means "give in to exactly what I want and then I won't fight you".

Dd and I have got the tiniest christmas tree and decorated it. I am not in the mood at all but feel I have to at least go through some of the motions this year. Bah humbug and all that!

I am channeling Alicia Florrick Christina! I also trust my own lawyer.

I think the hiring of that lawyer gives you a pretty good indication of how he is feeling... He created this situation and it has also started dawning in him that you are not going to be a pushover

recovers from shock of his actions being different from his words

Sorry, tom. I'm sure the lawyer hire is meant to intimidate you but it's also as you say classic ego/him. It's the equivalent of concrete floors. It looks good, makes him feel important, reflects his status back to him - only the best for the best! Same old same old. But you seem to absolutely have his number now. Yes, the no lawyers idea was based on you being his divorce assistant. If you are actually a real person who exists with fight and needs and principles then he needs to outsource his dominance and cruelty to someone who does that for a living. Someone he can blame when horrible behaviour takes place. So he can still keep his hands clean, watch out for that one down the line. Unfortunately yes he will probably try to make some of those fees back on stiffing you. He really thinks he's a hotshot doesn't he. Ugh.

December hugs

The outsourcing the horribleness sounds about right. I've also worked with enough lawyers to know that they won't actually do anything on your behalf without their consent. Urgh indeed.

I am not without a plan though, however vulnerable I feel right now.

An expensive lawyer makes no difference to the law

This ^ Although I'm sure it will give him something to brag about when he has nothing else left: "Look at meeee, I've got the best and even they^ agree with me"

Maybe the only benefit is that, in doing this, he seems to have realised there's no way back?

Sorry - bold mess-up Hopefully you get the gist, though ...

How are you doing Mrs?