Husband's affair - Tom is moving on

[tomatoplantproject]

I took a break from mumsnet for a little while. It has been an eventful little while. Mumsnet keeps breaking and I'm sorry but I can't link my previous threads.

My husband had an affair with an Italian, I found out over 2 months ago. I kicked him out and since then have been trying to rebuild my life whilst keeping things stable for my little girl. I have an amazing family and friends who have been looking out for me.

We have had various discussions since I found out and have been seeing a Relate counsellor. Various posters have been warning me to be wary given how he has been behaving.

He was due to go to Spain last week on his own for a holiday - he cancelled at the very last minute after I asked him not to go and has been spending time with dd and I. Things were starting to thaw between us and we were building at least a friendship.

I had a job interview this evening and he did dd's bedtime routine for me. When I came home he sat me down and told me he was going to be honest with me. He has been in touch with the Italian Job since I found out, and they were due to go to Spain to see if they had a long term future. He pulled out on the Sunday after I asked him not to go.

I won't ever trust him ever again, and he hasn't put me first or respected my wishes that he is not in touch with her. So I am done. Once and for all. I can now move on.

You were all right. I just wasn't ready to believe you.

Tom, you've been on my mind and though I wouldn't wish any pain on you whatsoever Im glad its all over now and that you at last have the truth.

A big hug to you from across the miles.

xxxxxxxx

Blood, Ive said this before and I will say it again, " I so wish I'd had the benefit of your experience and wisdom when I was on my knees with heartbreak and confusion. But please know that even though Im a few years down the line you're helping me so much when you help others. That post of yours of 00.49.24 helped a few things fall into place for me personally, you managed to articulate my thoughts and help me to understand things still going round in my heart and my head. I really cant thank you enough.

Am l wrong in thinking he wanted you to go away with him on holiday?? WTF was he thinking.

its very easy to ask someone to go away with you if they know you wont because its asking too much of them at that time, but more so if they know you cant because you have responsibilities and you cant just get up and go.

Hi tom, you won't remember me but I was on your original threads. I'm honestly so shocked that your H couldn't even give you the basic decency of not being in touch with her. And the fact that he was thinking about their long term future, and actually travelling to a different bloody country to meet her, is beyond awful. When you were meant to be repairing your marriage. It's an utter disgrace.

I totally see how there's no coming back from this. I'm so sorry about it all, but think you're handling it wonderfully and very strongly. Despite your H's woe is me attitude, you really have given him many chances to get his old life back. You've given him more chances than some would and he should have been profoundly grateful you have him any chances at all. I'm sure he will regret his behaviour for the rest of his life. He has behaved utterly immorally. Apart from doing this to you - how could he prolong this shit for your dd?

Best wishes for the interviews, hope you get some good news soon.

Weebirdie - you've been such a tower of strength yourself.

Dd woke at 6 so I haven't had much sleep so we are going to have a slow day. Strangely I feel a massive sense of relief not having to worry any more about this.

It had always bothered me that, for someone who fights hard for what he wants, he didn't fight for me. Now I know why - he was keeping his options open. He told me that I was very hard to love right now because I have been so cold but I was waiting for him to be honest suspecting the truth would break what little there was between us.

He asked me to go on holiday knowing I would say no. I've been doing interviews.

Hoggle - thank you so much for your support. Mumsnet has been amazing with the amount and level of support from all corners.

Brief delurk just to say I'm glad to see you back here Tom. At least now you know for sure, your decision is made and you can start to rebuild for you and dd. Keep posting :)

The begging and pleading has started. Oh joy.

It help to change it to this - The mind games are continuing

The phrase, "too little, too late" comes to mind.

The fact that he refused you to look at his phone told us everything we needed to know about this lying, cheating deceitful bastard - he was hedging his bets and you have shown him and DC that you are not to be messed around with.

There is no way he could repair the marriage and broken trust so you have done the right thing in cutting your losses.

Best of luck with the job hunt and rebuilding of your life.

And Tom, he didnt fight for you because what he wanted to win back was the Old Tom and his Old Life. He couldn't have coped living with the new you in a month of Sundays and in time this will be a comfort to you. You're too hard to love right now? Well that will be because you've had a growth spurt and he now isn't tall enough to reach you!

Please dont take any of the horrible things he says personally, they say more about him than they do about you, and in time you will celebrate your womanhood.

xxxx

Tom I am so very sorry. I hadn't posted on your threads for a while as you had plenty of people posting with a similar view to mine who probably articulated it a lot better than I would have done. Sadly your situation reminded me quite a lot of my own where I didn't immediately end my marriage after discovering an affair but thought, despite what most people were telling me about him, that I knew my husband better than they did and he wasn't quite the total bastard that they thought he was. Like you I wasn't ready to believe it until I found out for myself that cheating wasn't as out of character for him as I had thought it was.

I'm sure you are devastated right now and I know it won't feel like it but he has done you a huge favour by finally being honest and giving you the chance to see what he is really like. You have been saved months of agonising over whether you could give him another chance or not. You now have certainty whereas before you had doubt. Although it's extremely painful realising the man you married isn't worthy of your love it does bring a sort of peace knowing without any doubt you have made the right decision.

This is very much about him Tom , the man he is. His indignation that his honesty caused you to end it once and for all says everything about him. He couldn't show you his phone before because he clearly was still involved with OW. While trying to persuade you to give him another chance he had arranged to go away with OW to see about their future. These are not the actions of a man showing genuine remorse and regret for cheating, he is just sorry he got caught.

There is nothing you could have done differently that would have made your husband behave in the way that you wanted him to. All of his actions have been about him and nothing has been about what you needed and wanted. He is selfish and puts himself first and always will do.

I'm nearly seven months on from ending my marriage and it's still bloody hard but nowhere near as hard as it would have been if I had still been trying to make my marriage work with a man whose biggest crime, in his eyes, was getting caught and not the actually cheating, lying and selfish entitled behaviour.

Please believe that it won't always feel as painful as it does right now. You are a lovely, strong, intelligent woman with a lovely DD with your whole life in front of you. One day you will know that your husband is not worth your tears and regrets and you will feel relieved you didn't waste any more of your life on him.

You're being too nice and making me cry. I have to be strong for dd today.

It does feel like the mind games are still continuing. But I keep thinking that he knew everything was at risk and yet he still carried on with her. I accused him of telling her that he said to her "I love you and I want to start building a future with you" and he couldn't deny it. We were having counselling at the time.

I can't live with this headfuckery any longer. I can't rebuild with someone who will run off to someone else when life gets tricky.

He called me cold and ruthless. That doesn't actually hurt because I know I'm not.

I too stopped posting on your earlier thread as you seemed to be getting more comfort from the save-your-marriage supporters and I felt that my contributions weren't very supportive.

This He told me that I was very hard to love right now and this, He called me cold and ruthless. absolutely beggar belief. Can he not hear himself?

Yes, calling you cold and ruthless is remarkable. He has been carrying on his affair, still lying to you, still crying at you, even going to counseling with you, again, and YOU are cold and ruthless! Astounding.

He has treated you like shit - and he has been treating the OW like shit. She must be very emotionally fucked up to accept this - or else he must be very very persuasive. Or both. Who cares?

I hope things start looking brighter for you now.

I think you are now at the stage where he has done so much wrong, and is so irredeemable, that you can just shrug at further ridiculous comments like these. Right now, certainly, they're just designed to inflame, to get you to respond, ANYTHING to keep dialogue going as he's panicking.

'You are so cold and ruthless'

(stare) 'Anything which allows you to justify it all to yourself is now fine by me, I think you'll need all the self-convincing you can get, so if it helps, fine. Stay away from me now.'

Etc.

He knows you aren't any of these things. He knows. You only have to stare back and shrug. What else is there to say?

But you see Tom, you are cold and ruthless. You are cold and ruthless in his eyes because you didn't go along with his plan. And Im glad it doesn't bother you because it really is quite the compliment and a sign of your considerable growth.

Yes he desperately wants to keep the dialogue going, to the extent he wants to move back home. I laughed at that one.

I've been thinking about the jobs I interviewed for yesterday and before he told me I was so excited. Both amazing, both in organisations at the top of their game, both working under inspirational women. Knowing I will be on my own actually makes the decision, if I end up having to choose, much easier.

He basically asked me why I didn't do the pick me dance. I told him that I wasn't the one who had done wrong.

I have a theory about some people in affairs. When the shit first hits the fan they say what they have to to make it stop with the BS, and THEN they do whatever they have to do to reassure the AP. Because reality hasn't really intruded enough (at that point) and they still think they can manage the situation. And when they finally make a decision to do the BS the HUGE honour of coming 100% clean they think they will get brownie points for honesty. Stupid! You don't get a chance to reconcile at your convenience. If you are lucky enough to be given the chance you do it then and there and do what your BS needs, no ifs or buts.

Good luck tomato. Sorry it turned out this way but I am glad to see you are forging ahead xx

What an arrogant self entitled twunt your husband is, he beggars belief. But compare that to what a warm, strong, dignified woman you are. You gave him every opportunity to repair your marriage but he could still only think about what would be the best option 'for him'. This will still be so hard, but at least you know that you have done everything you possibly could and now have just one path to think about. And best of luck for you wonderful new life.

Yes he was honest. He told you that he'd rather have a relationship with his mistress (if that was an option) but would consider keeping you as a fallback option if it wasn't.

And he is surprised at your reaction?! He has no shame. Good luck with this new chapter of your life.

Interesting how unabashed he is about declaring (to you!) the honesty a 'failure' because it didn't instantly achieve the result he wanted. (If I've understood that 'so much for honesty' correctly.)

In a strange way Tom, these last weeks have given you the time and opportunity to process things in a way that you probably wouldn't have, had he come clean right away. This was never a case of a man who bitterly regretted his actions, and was begging for forgiveness. I think of all the words you have used to describe why this has to be the end, respect - or the complete lack of it - is the one that matters most......and I feel very proud of you for realising that, and your own self worth.x.

Oh goodness. His level of blindness and narcissism is really high. What entitled people tend to do, particularly narcissistic ones, is to project a lot. This is when you see in others, or accuse others of being the thing you yourself have been because you cannot find the empathy to step outside yourself and see something from someone else's point of view. If Dh was a model husband who had been faithful and then Tom asked him to leave the house, not go on holiday and then said she didn't want to be with him anymore, it might be understandable for him to describe her as 'cold and ruthless'.

But it is obvious to everyone sane that Tom is not that. He is. What better description of someone plotting a romantic holiday with a lover he has already been discovered of and trying to fool his betrayed, trusting partner to let him go off to a lovely beach with her for sex and secrets whilst recently traumatised wife cares for shared child at home. That is cold and ruthless.

And as for him being surprised you didn't do the dance, dear lord, he may as well be saying, 'why didn't you FIGHT for me?' which other than being grossly offensive as it considers him some grand prize that he absolutely is not, it is total projection. What he means is WHY DIDN'T I FIGHT FOR YOU? Why didn't he tell you the truth from the beginning, apologise and try to repair, do what you asked how you asked in order for you to recover and put you first in all things as he fought for your marriage by challenging his own dishonesty and permissions. Instead he ran to OW to hedge his bets and waited to see if you would run after him and beg and make it worth his while.

It's like kneecapping someone emotionally then being shocked they didn't run after you.
His whole agenda from this point on will be to maintain contact and dialogue with you. This will be attempts to wear you down, make you feel guilty, and convince you things can be different. These are all different tactics to get what he wants. (Let's remember he's recently let the OW down by cancelling their romantic getaway, probably by telling her that tom wouldn't let him go. She will be waiting for news.)

You have the information you need now, tom. You need to fully embrace the end of your marriage and detaching now if that is what you choose to. And that means stepping out of the dance with him. Each different tactic is like a different dance, his anger at you is a tango, his begging and pleading a salsa, eventually he'll go to a polite, kind sadness (a waltz?!) to try and make you remember his decency. Although it is hard because they all feel different, it is the same thing, a dialogue and dance encouraging emotional investment between you that maintains the relationship in some way and keeps an open door. You must decide that you are ready to close it. To stop him being your partner.

And thanks, wee, you're very kind.

good luck with the jobs!