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Original poster

Don't care about DH's discreet affairs. Am I the only one?

461 replies

melusina32 · 15/06/2015 22:38

DH and I both in our 30s. We have been together a long time, 3 young DC

DH has been having affairs for some time now. We have a don't ask don't tell policy. It is all very unspoken. As long as he doesn't bring it to my door, I don't care.

We love each other very much, and sex still happens, but we are very much "best friends" now. DH has always had a much higher sex drive. I am pretty sure it is just about sex with him

A friend of mine found out about it last weekend and she was horrified. She thinks it is abnormal not to care.

We enjoy each other's company, we have a good life, small children to think of. As long as DHs affairs do not disrupt that, it is out of sight out of mind

the first time I found out, I was shocked and confronted him, but it started up again, and I chose to ignore it. I didn't seem to feel that sexual jealousy, and day to day our lives are very good

i just wondered if there was anybody else in this situation, or am I an anomaly, as my friend seems to think?

OP posts:
Destinysdaughter · 15/06/2015 22:41

Well it's your choice but am curious to know if you really don't care, genuinely or are you just resigned to it? Is this what you really want for yourself, a faithless, selfish man who doesn't care about your feelings...?

Justmuddlingalong · 15/06/2015 22:42

As long as you are both truly happy and having safe sex, then that's your business. I can see why you friend was shocked, I personally find it a bit odd, but each to their own.

BuildYourOwnSnowman · 15/06/2015 22:45

The people I know who turned a blind eye to husbands affair were all left for another woman eventually. Normally just as the nest was emptying and the husband made an emotional attachment with a younger woman.

That's the risk you run. You can't guarantee he won't fall for someone else.

Also, do you have daughters? I know two (separate families) who discovered texts on their dads phone. Lost respect for both parents and became very troubled.

EmilyMaitliss · 15/06/2015 22:46

I think your friend has a fucking cheek to tell you what she thinks you should be feeling.
I'm sure there are many marriages that have lasted a lifetime and in which this was the arrangement. Sadly there might also have been some in which the DH decided he wanted to live with his current 'girlfriend'.
How and where does he find these women, mel? It's not ideal, I suppose.
I would make sure I'd made plans to protect myself and my children, in case a time comes when one or both of you decides to call it a day.

cowbag1 · 15/06/2015 22:46

I would be worried about my DH focusing so much emotional energy outside of our marriage and what would then be left for me/us. What happens if he meets someone and falls so completely in love that he wants to leave the marriage? That is always going to be a risk. I'd be worried about safe sex too and wouldn't feel comfortable not using condoms with him.

Thenapoleonofcrime · 15/06/2015 22:48

This is not for me, but I know a few couples for whom infidelity hasn't been the end, although this tends to be because both have had affairs over the years rather than just one of them.

Justmuddlingalong · 15/06/2015 22:49

Are his other sexual partners male or female?

AlpacaMyBags · 15/06/2015 22:50

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ashtrayheart · 15/06/2015 22:51

What would happen if you had an affair?

crazyhead · 15/06/2015 22:53

Allegedly it's the done thing in france... (Cultural cliche, only joking). It is up to you. I do wonder a bit of the sexual/romantic side of you is repressed at the moment by your 3dc and whether this will be harder to cope with later. I also wonder how you feel it is 'fair'? You may hAve good answers to both questions

FixItUpChappie · 15/06/2015 22:55

I can understanding keeping a marriage together for financial stability, raising children, enjoying each other's companionship and company - yes, I can understand that.

However, I think that you are taking on all of the sexual risk of his infidelities but getting none of the fun and freedom. That would bother me. Also, he took it upon himself to decide it was an open relationship - it wasn't a joint decision. He is sneaking around behind your back and hoping you wont notice. That would bother me too. If your going to do things that way than call a spade a spade IMO.

ChablisTyrant · 15/06/2015 22:59

I don't think my DH has had an affair. But if he had I wouldn't want to know about it. And it probably wouldn't be a deal breaker if I found out. I also have very young kids and care a lot about keeping the family together.

cowbag1 · 15/06/2015 23:01

Yes what happens when your DC are adults and it's just the 2 of you again? Will you still be happy with this open arrangement? Will your DH be happy to give up his extramarital affairs after so long?

It's definitely not for me but each to their own. I think open relationships only really work though when they've been entered into by mutual agreement first.

AnyFucker · 15/06/2015 23:02

do you get to have fun with others too, or are you the designated babysitter ?

blueshoes · 15/06/2015 23:04

Are you just relieved that your dh has found another outlet for sex so that he does not pester you as much?

Where does your dh find these women and how do you know he won't inadvertently choose a bunny boiler who will try to disrupt your marriage?

longlistofexlovers · 15/06/2015 23:06

I think you are an anomaly. I'd believe that it was fine, and worked for you, if you hadn't posted this thread.

The fact that it is on your mind makes me think something is bothering you. Are you on some level concerned that you are not enough, when so many of your friends seem to be more than enough for their partners? Does it make you feel less valuable?

Twinklestein · 15/06/2015 23:07

It's a very French attitude, and it works for some people.

There's always the danger though a la liaisons dangereuses that he might fall for one of his amants.

Do you want to have your own affairs?

ImperialBlether · 15/06/2015 23:08

You don't actually have a policy, though, do you? He has been carrying on behind your back. You confronted him and then he did it again. You've actually never spoken about it since, have you? (According to your OP.) That's not having a policy!

If he's as nice as you think he is it won't be long before a woman he's having an affair with wants him permanently. Will you play the Pick Me dance? What will he do if she gets pregnant? Will you invite her round with her baby to meet your children?

I really think you are sleepwalking here, OP.

Stubbleandbubble · 15/06/2015 23:12

Worked for Claire and Frank Underwood.

ImperialBlether · 15/06/2015 23:17

But, Stubble, they were both at it and had no children.

pocketsaviour · 15/06/2015 23:17

If it works for you, it's fine. I don't think it's as uncommon as people think.

Make sure you are protected financially though, in case he does end up moving on with one of them. But then that risk is there in any marriage, isn't it?

cowbag1 · 15/06/2015 23:34

Thing is, you're only OK with this situation as it stands right here and now but there's a huge potential for it to change at any time. Do you have any deal breakers and does you're DH know them?

Stubbleandbubble · 15/06/2015 23:34

True, Imperial. And were also made up.

ImperialBlether · 15/06/2015 23:38

Stubble, you say that as though I introduced them into this debate!

And up here in the NW, 'made up' means happy with something - mind you, they both were, weren't they?

PoppyBlossom · 15/06/2015 23:44

I don't think there's anything wrong if it's something you both choose. But you can't be surprised when he leaves you, because he will fall for one of them, most likely when the kids are mid/late teens and child maintenance would be close to zero.

Do you consider yourself independent?