Don't care about DH's discreet affairs. Am I the only one?

[melusina32]

DH and I both in our 30s. We have been together a long time, 3 young DC

DH has been having affairs for some time now. We have a don't ask don't tell policy. It is all very unspoken. As long as he doesn't bring it to my door, I don't care.

We love each other very much, and sex still happens, but we are very much "best friends" now. DH has always had a much higher sex drive. I am pretty sure it is just about sex with him

A friend of mine found out about it last weekend and she was horrified. She thinks it is abnormal not to care.

We enjoy each other's company, we have a good life, small children to think of. As long as DHs affairs do not disrupt that, it is out of sight out of mind

the first time I found out, I was shocked and confronted him, but it started up again, and I chose to ignore it. I didn't seem to feel that sexual jealousy, and day to day our lives are very good

i just wondered if there was anybody else in this situation, or am I an anomaly, as my friend seems to think?

longlist lots of things harm children, shouty rows, emotional repression, divorce if not handled well which most aren't from what I can see. Why is your dad having discreet affairs incredibly damaging beyond divorce, for example, which would be most people's preferred option in this situation?

I don't think my husband would be better off had his parents divorced 30 years ago, with the new families and arrangements that this would entail.

I do believe in monogamy for my own relationship, having considered it carefully and knowing there are other forms of relationship. But the knee-jerk on here is incredible- you are nothing to him, you are a housekeeper, you are damaging the children, you'll get an STD. It's a very moralizing response that doesn't allow for any real discussion.

Sorry, it's just not that bad. It sounds like the Op has discussed it with him and found her compromise which allows her the relationship she wants (emotional, financial) but not the one she doesn't (sexual). He may run off with someone else, he may not. But insisting on monogamy from day one even if you don't want to have sex with your husband may end in the same result (as indeed it can any permutation of relationship and despite all promises).

This is a marriage of convenience, where husband and wife agree to this. Both know that it is happening and both are letting it happen. They do not love each other, would you be happy sharing someone you love? I wouldn't, but then if that is what you choose then that is the way.
The people I feel sorry for here are the children, whose morality and future actions will reflect on their parents beliefs, and the other women. Some "other women" are maybe happy to "have affairs", but others may not. "Other women" come in all shapes and sizes. Yes plenty of damage to other people not to themselves at "the moment".

She discussed it with him after she was forced to accept the situation after repeated infidelities. If this is such a sensible, well-thought out compromise, why didn't he raise it before the first infidelity?

The marriage was rocky to begin with (for illicit affairs to have taken place) and not what I would call a good starting place for an open arrangement. Basically her hand has been forced and her only other option is divorce.

But why would divorce be less damaging to the children?

When people divorce, there's less money, not so much time with each parent, the parent often goes off into a new and exciting relationship and spends even less time with the original family. Just over 50% of men don't see their children regularly (evenings, weekends) after divorce.

Now if the OP had come on here, said I've found my husband is having some discreet affairs, I've gone off sex, but I'm disgusted and leaving the bastard, there would be cheers and endless support. I'm intrigued to why- I don't see this always as a better option for the children, if there is no real upset/distress/arguments at home and a good emotional bond between the parents.

It's the 'think of the children' argument. Children have to grow up and realise their parents are real people, and real people don't have textbook perfect marriages, or about 10% do have that loved up feeling all the time, research shows, everyone else has to just crack on and make the best of it.

Our lives does not happen in a vacuum. Whatever we do has an effect on others, like the pebble in a pond. Think of the amount of people in psychotherapy because of how their parents brought them up. You notice how "discreet" was used here, why? Is it not better to be honest and open in your life? I am just pointing out the damage this can cause to others, so that we are aware of the choices we make.

I think if he had come to you and said 'Look, you have no sex drive, I need sex, what do you think about an open marriage?' I would maybe buy into this more as a way forward.

Its the fact that he has made this choice for you, and lied about it, and continues to lie through omission that is worrying, really.

In other cultures men can have two, three or more wives. Even this though with in some countries is during out and frowned upon by younger people.

What's to say any faithful husband doesn't wait till the children leave and then have an affair and leave? I can't see that just because this dh is dhagging about he is going to leave - in fact I think he is less likely to as he knows he can have his cakr and eat it so why disturb the situayion.

well the most successful marriage I know (fifty years and still going) was based on this, plus separate houses.
Whatever works for you OP!

The choice is not to be perfect though, so pebbles will always be thrown and the ripples always having their effect. I'm questioning why divorce would be preferable here for the children than the ongoing situation in which they live with both parents, given an accommodation of sorts has been reached. It might be divorce might be preferable than finding out your dad/mum had affairs- that's what I'm asking. But divorce is one huge pebble in the pond too- and it affects you every time you have a big event, or a graduation especially if your parents then go on to form new relationships and families, sometimes more than one!

I don't believe that divorce is always better for the children. I do if the marriage is very unhappy, bitter, arguments, abuse, emotional destruction or just coldness, but this is not what the OP describes. I think in these other situations, it is debatable what is best for the children- and I am not convinced by people declaring it's a bad thing for the children per se.

It goes on more than people think - or like to think - but it's kept quiet because semi-open marriages are seen viscerally as a real threat by many.

If she's genuinely (genuinely) not bothered then it's no one's business but hers and his and whoever they are seeing outside of the marriage.

of course, what goes for him should go for her too.

I wonder if your sex drive would be better if your husband was at home, having sex with you/doing stuff with you & not with someone else.

My husband seeking sex elsewhere on a somewhat regular basis, with several different people would kill my libido too.

As a child would you prefer to see your father go out and have his affairs from your home, as a regular thing, or live in your home and not be aware of this regular activity?
As a son/daughter of this, would you like hearing that your parents marriage wasnt all it "appeared". How would this affect your future relationships and view of your parents?

Why is your dad having discreet affairs incredibly damaging beyond divorce, for example, which would be most people's preferred option in this situation?

Have you ever been in a relationship with a man whose father cheated on his mother? I have twice. Neither man respected women very much - in part because they saw their Dads use women like objects - but mostly because they saw their meek and mild mothers sit back and take it like good women should.

Getting divorced would be preferable as it teaches that you cannot treat human beings so poorly without consequences.

I am all for doing what makes you happy...open marriages, multiple partners etc, as long as it is mutual & agreed upon, but this is so one sided OP & you don't actually sound happy at all!

And the fact that - despite him having had a vasectomy - you use condoms, says to me that he doesn't use them with his 'friends'.

Odd....why use them with you & not them...that makes me wonder all the more to be honest. You are the wife, the long term partner, the mother of his children, he has has a vasectomy, by now, both of you should be enjoying not having to use protections, the spontaneity of (almost, because nothing is 100% effective) completely safe sex! Yet, here you are, years down the line using condoms, after you both took the step to prevent pregnancy. Which just tells me that he doesn't use them for fucking around.

Unless, he has his vasectomy in order to screw around?

And he only chooses like minded women...which means they also are probably sleeping with others, unprotected. And if he isn't using condoms for one, he probably isn't for all...which means he could easily infect others.

STD aren't only transmitted by PIV

He seems to like using women.

You seem to think you are the lucky one because he is coming home. But I don't see why you think you are lucky.

You are right though, it isn't OK to let someone live within a sexless (although yours isn't, is it) marriage, but I really don't think this is the answer. You haven't agreed to it, you have just accepted it. I think you know you will lose him if you push, and you don't want to be without him.

You could find someone who makes you feel totally different, who cares for you & takes the time to work on the issues at hand, instead of making sure he is 'looked after' ... a sexless marriage is not a good enough reason to cheat on your partner.

I now have no idea who the other women are or when he sees them, I don't want to know. Like I said, as long as it doesn't come to my door. That includes stds and bunny boilers

(BTW I hate the term bunny boilers which is just a nasty way of saying a woman's appropriate emotional response to an intimate relationship is to be dismissed because she is a woman and should simply accept that a man will use her for sex and leave her and she has no right to be upset or complain)

However, the main point here is that you can't control that at all. You can't control whether a woman/women he is sleeping with either fall for him and demand more to a point that it intrudes on your life or that he decides he wants out with another woman.

It sounds totally as if the driving force for you in all this is financial (comfortable life) and wanting the family status of having a husband at home - but the chances of your children never finding out about this are low I'd say. Of course it's possible, but low.

And whatever you say, it has to be like a slow drip on your self-esteem however much you pretend otherwise. He doesn't think enough of you to discuss it with you openly or for you to be the sole focus of his attention.

I agree that this isn't uncommon. I'd go so far as to say it is probably very common in high income households where the wife (typically) is so paranoid of losing the comfortable lifestyle, social circle and social status of the family that she'll turn a blind eye to anything.

Think about this - at what point would you say, this hurts me and I can't take it

• you see him out and about with a woman kissing her deeply, treating her to expensive gifts and romantic meals, his hands over her body.
• he comes home and tells you what amazing sex he's just had in detail.
• he comes home and tells you his current partner is better in bed than you've ever been, pays him more attention and has a better body.
• he comes home and tells you he wants you to watch him having sex with another woman.
• he comes home and tells you that he wants to notionally stay married but buy a house next door/round the corner with his mistress (this actually happened to someone I know - except it happened without him telling his wife).

Would any of that bother you? If so why? Do you even like this man? Really?

At the risk of derailing...whaaaaat?Thenapoleonofcrime
I expect the Queen has had a similar arrangement, judging by all the heavily hinting articles in the Mail and elsewhere
What have I missed?

OP it's your life to do with as you please and if you're truly happy, then fair enough. I would pay heed tolonglistofexlovers comment: "Have you ever been in a relationship with a man whose father cheated on his mother? I have twice. Neither man respected women very much - in part because they saw their Dads use women like objects - but mostly because they saw their meek and mild mothers sit back and take it like good women should."

Children know. I know all kinds of things that my parents think I don't.

I'd also echo Fenella's comment about it being lose/lose as I couldn't respect a man who treated women as disposable receptacles.

But not about me. Yes it us unusual but if it works for you who am I to judge?

"Have you ever been in a relationship with a man whose father cheated on his mother? I have twice. Neither man respected women very much - in part because they saw their Dads use women like objects - but mostly because they saw their meek and mild mothers sit back and take it like good women should.

Getting divorced would be preferable as it teaches that you cannot treat human beings so poorly without consequences."

My father cheated on my mother and as children me and my siblings all knew about it. My brother is a successful and kind man who married a lovely lady. He is a gentleman who does not follow in his father's footsteps. It is not an inevitability that the sons will cheat in their father's image.

My parents' marriage was unhappy (but not toxic or abusive, just shimmering discontent) when we were growing up and towards the later part of my childhood I was aware of it. However, I still prefer that they were not divorced. As a child, the most important thing was for my family to be intact.

There is a mumsnet mindset that it is better to get divorced than to stay in a "loveless" marriage for the children because it will irrevocably damage the children's image of a happy relationship. I disagree. I learnt lots from my parents' marriage how to avoid rushing into an incompatible permanent relationship and spot red flags right away.

If you're both happy then fine
But don't kid yourself that he's in love with you. He may love you, he probably does. However, being in love means wanting intimacy with that person both emotionally and physically and almost always exclusively.
Secondly, do you not worry what role model either of you are for your young children. How would you feel if your daughters were in a sexless marriage? How would feel if your son told you his wife was sleeping with other men, albeit discreetly.

Napolean: "I don't believe that divorce is always better for the children. I do if the marriage is very unhappy, bitter, arguments, abuse, emotional destruction or just coldness, but this is not what the OP describes. I think in these other situations, it is debatable what is best for the children- and I am not convinced by people declaring it's a bad thing for the children per se."

This

There is also the fallacy that a man who has extra marital affairs cannot love his wife. Ridiculous and naïve.

I learnt lots from my parents' marriage how to avoid rushing into an incompatible permanent relationship and spot red flags right away.

I fear you are the minority.

I don't want to run the risk with my children, nor do I want that life for myself.

longlist, it is just a risk not a certainty. Balanced against the almost inevitable damage that a marriage causes to children.

that a divorce ...

I didn't say he didn't love her. I said he isn't in love with her. When you're in love with someone you want to make love to them and only them. You want that emotional intimacy that goes hand in hand with an exclusive emotional intimacy. If my DH wasn't in love with me then I'd want us to separate. That doesn't mean the op and her DH should separate. It's just not for me.

Longlist, of course you don't want that life for yourself. Who would ... but what about what your children want? The parents' marriage to break up or to live within an intact family though their parents are not particularly happy? It is not a given that the children will not prefer the latter.