Don't care about DH's discreet affairs. Am I the only one?

[melusina32]

DH and I both in our 30s. We have been together a long time, 3 young DC

DH has been having affairs for some time now. We have a don't ask don't tell policy. It is all very unspoken. As long as he doesn't bring it to my door, I don't care.

We love each other very much, and sex still happens, but we are very much "best friends" now. DH has always had a much higher sex drive. I am pretty sure it is just about sex with him

A friend of mine found out about it last weekend and she was horrified. She thinks it is abnormal not to care.

We enjoy each other's company, we have a good life, small children to think of. As long as DHs affairs do not disrupt that, it is out of sight out of mind

the first time I found out, I was shocked and confronted him, but it started up again, and I chose to ignore it. I didn't seem to feel that sexual jealousy, and day to day our lives are very good

i just wondered if there was anybody else in this situation, or am I an anomaly, as my friend seems to think?

It's not unheard of but it tends to end badly. Normally for the wife.

Your friend is telling you what your kids are going to feel when they find out. And they will. Teenagers are pretty good at stuff like that.

And people at his work will know. And it will affect their opinion of him.

He's not only spending family money but he is spending family time dating other women.

It's interesting that you say you are financially independent, I assumed you would be, and probably upper (middle) class at least...This seems to be a common arrangement in the upper classes, where having a wife is more about stability and building a family than an intimate pairing. Often both or one (the man) has had a private single sex education and his expectations with regard to the depth of involvement with a woman are limited. There's an unspoken agreeement that affairs are acceptable, provided they are discreet and the family unit (and appearances) is maintained.

It's not for me, my DH is my closest friend and ally. But marriages of convenience, of which I think this is a variant, have been around a lot longer than the current modern ideal of love and marriage.

You seem so confident that he's "in love" with you. Why? His actions don't suggest that to most people. He may view your marriage as convenient and comfortable and chooses to stay for those reasons, he might even "love" you like you love a close relative but none of that is the same as being "in love" with someone.

I think you're quite deluded personally as it seems to have come about because you have a low sex drive rather than being a mutual decision (as in couples who have agreed a mutually open relationship or who choose to swing etc).

By turning a blind eye, you are giving him a window through which he could bring risk into your marriage, whether it is an STD, bunny boiler, paternity claims. But heck, women take that risk anyway because they cannot control their partners going off and having reckless affairs behind their back.

Your extra card in you can actually agree some ground rules with your husband. You say he knows your 'rules'. Does he because it does not sound like you discussed it that much. When you first discovered it and was upset, I presume that the discussion did not actually extend to setting out the ground rules for him to do it again and again?

Does your household have a lot of money (for him to spend it on his OWs, hotels etc). I see you are financially independent, which is good because you never know his OWs might make a play for child support. There is also the issue of whether he is using barrier protection when he has sex.

Are you even the slightest bit curious about how he finds these women and how often he has sex with the same one? This goes to the issue of whether they are just one night stands or does it have the potential for him to get emotionally involved?

It sounds like he is generally discreet. But does he understand that your friends and circle should not find out and most importantly the children? Where is he taking the OWs?

I am just thinking of the worst case scenario. But otherwise, if the risks can be managed, I don't see a problem with it.

You need to protect yourself, your marriage and ultimately your children. If that means having a talk with him and ironing out the rules and taking the thrill of sneaking around behind your back out of his fun, you are entitled to that. After all, what's in it for you?

Not sure he's 'in love' with you.

My question is how does this end?

I cannot see it ending well. You might be content with the set up but there is a huge risk that he will run off at some point but you must know this?

In that case hopefully you won't be too upset? You won't resent him?

Good luck with it all.

Personally I don't think these things ever end well and if he is staying for the children (such a kind soul) what happens when they leave? Happily ever after?

Have a word with yourself.

It seems to me that you are his house keeper and nanny. You provide the home comforts, while his girlfriends get the time and fun.

Ok, it is working for you and you are happy with the set up, but given that you have not even discussed why he continues to have affairs, how are you so sure that he is also happy in the marriage and not having all these affairs because he is bored and unsatisfied with the current state of your relationship? you may think you are both happy in an open marriage, he may be looking for the "one".

So... Why just not talk to him to find out where both of you are, in reality?

I think it's very very easy to get emotionally entangled with someone you're sleeping with.

I think as long as you are financially and emotionally protected, why should it bother anyone else. There are plenty of non-bunny boiling women out there who also want the excitement of an affair without too much emotional attachment.

There is a myth that everyone is built for monogamy and it causes a lot of problems. I would rather live in an honest relationship where such things are discussed than live in a web of lies. For some reason it is more acceptable to have an illicit and secret affair than to be in an open relationship.

OP, if I was you I'd concentrate on having fun with or without your husband. Build a network of friends of your own, male and female. Only you know what you truly want from life. And given the high number of men and women having affairs, who is to say that your friend isn't unwittingly in a similar situation? There's (at least) a 1 in 4 chance!

I'm hoping that your husband respects you enough to wear condoms when he is with his mistresses. In your shoes, I'd also insist he wore them at home too.

I have a friend who isn't that bothered by her partner's affairs. She also puts it down to sex drive, and rationalises that he keeps coming back to her so she must be the best.

I worry for her, because while he is predatory and goes after women who are significantly troubled in various ways with whom there can be no future, I can see the possibility that he might well meet someone one day and genuinely fall in love. Particularly when their child is a bit older.

I also think his behaviour is part and parcel of other selfishness he demonstrates towards her. Such as monopolising money for faddish leisure pursuits that could be spent on a lovely family holiday!

However, I am in no position to tell her what to do. All I can do is to support her as best I can.

I think it's absolutely fine OP. If my husband did it, i wouldn't mind either. I like him a lot but don;t love him immeasurably. Once my children came along, that all changed. We have a really good friendship, a lovely home and happy children. And financial security. That is all much more important to me than sexual fidelity. We both work and we are very balanced, in my view.

If i could bear to bare myself to someone else or had the energy I might do it too, one day.

I know a few marriages like this. I believe there are as many different versions of marriage as there are people in them probably.
I would say pay attention to the model of relationships you are giving to your children though, in one of the above marriages none of the four adult children can hold down a relationship and there are many drunken accusations of their current spouse cheating.

I don't know, it's not something I would choose. I think sexual intimacy and faithfulness is part of a marriage and I'm not sure that there is such a thing as 'just sex', particulalry when you are in a LTR or marriage.

We do know a couple who have a similar set-up - in that he has sex on the side and she turns a blind eye. I also know several people who strongly suspect their husband (or wife, in one case) is having sex outside of the marriage but don't want to confront or investigate further for the fear that the relationship would end. None of them seem particularly happy and in one case, it seems that the man in question is deliberately trying to see how much he can get away with.

In one case, the DS found out and that's pretty much torn the family apart.

The crux of the matter for me is, would he carry on doing it if it did hurt you? You talked about being shocked and upset when you found out, and he must have known that to do it again would mean risking your relationship?

Are you truly happy with the situation? If so, then fair enough, we're all different and if it works for you, that's great. I would urge an open and honest conversation with your DH though, in order to minimise the risks.

The whole point though is that this situation doesn't appear to be "honestly discussed and out in the open"

the H seems to still think he is having illicit affairs which is probably part of the attraction of them

it all sounds rather sad and grubby and not remotely modern or progressive at all

more like back to the 1950's where men did what they liked and women kept their trap shut for fear of being cast out into singledom

You think he won't fall for someOne else because he loves you but that is very naive. One day he will fall for hard for one of his other women, sex, passion, connection, it will all come along together and you will pale in comparison. Sneaking around to see the love of his life while he comes home to his best mate will not be good enough.
I agree, imposing a sexless marriage on a person is unfair but this doesn't seem the answer. Why do you think you don't want sex with him? Is it him you don't fancy or do you genuinely have a low sex dive?

Would you be able to turn a blind eye if a half sibling came on the scene your 3 children would have a sister or brother could you ignore that your husband is not fully comitted to you or your children I dont think i could turn the other cheek not because of sexual jealousy but not knowing when he will leave for an OW it is the uncertainty i couldnt live eith.

What Any fucker said he has the wife looking after the kids and whatnot not grumbling not causing a fuss while he shags whoever he likes he must feel like a dog with 2 dicks

I agree with Ehric above.

I don't think this is that unusual or shocking and I don't think you are 'wrong' to feel he way you do, OP...but the inevitability of him developing feelings for one of his flings eventually seems pretty strong.

Lets face it - he has licence to fuck who he wants. If he meets someone that he connects with on more than just a sexual/fun level...AND they're having passionate sex...well, thats the danger. And as the children grow older, you grow older, the sexual issues in your marriage are ignored because he is getting his fun elsewhere...what will bond you?

Small children grow up in the blink of an eye. Will he want to stay with his 'best friend' beyond those dependent years? Will you want to grow old with a man who fucks about? Are you absolutely sure that your casual attitude towards his infidelity isn't just a convenient way for you to ignore the fact that there are problems in your relationship?

How can he be in love with you if he sleeps with other women? Am I being really naïve here? I know when I'm in love with a man I have eyes for no one else. At all. He may love you but it doesn't sound to me like he's in love with you. Sorry.

He had a vasectomy after our last child, so no danger of a pregnancy. We use condoms when we do have sex

He travels for business, I imagine that is when most of it happens. But I travel for my hobby, and of course he is at home with the children then. It isn't as though I am at home ironing his socks. We have a good balance. If he chooses to fit in sex somewhere within his leisure time, I am ok with that

We talked about the emotional aspect and both agreed that it would make more sense for him to choose different partners, women who are looking for similar. Because it is only about sex. We have known each other all our lives, we love each other dearly, but I am simply not interested in sex. I used to be a bit sad about it, but the lack of sex in itself does not make me unhappy. It is who I am

The thing is- noone's marriage is immune from 'what if's?' In the cases I've known of the couple, mainly the man, having affairs, they are together in old age, no half-siblings ever popped out, do have an enduring love into old age (I know two marriages like this). I expect the Queen has had a similar arrangement, judging by all the heavily hinting articles in the Mail and elsewhere. Who is to say her life would have been better had she got divorced?

I think not all people equate marital fidelity with love and I don't understand why everyone is so keen that they do.

The Op is in a better financial position than 90% of the women who come on these boards, who believed their partners would be faithful and they are not. If you have financial independence, then at least you can up and leave if you don't like the situation.

I don't know, if you are that much in love then why is he keeping such big secrets? Shagging other women is quite a big thing to omit from the 'what did you do on your week away from work' chat.

It wouldn't be the lifestyle I would choose (and I still think the risk of the children finding out is too high, believe me- it's a huge head fuck when you find out a parent is shagging around) but If I did choose to live like this I would need honesty. I wouldn't want to shag him if he'd been fucking someone else that lunchtime.

Allyjay, I think your are being naive. Men particularly seem to be able to do this. My exp had a group of friends who were all at it, escorts, flings on lads holidays, affairs. All were with their wives still and all had children.