Don't care about DH's discreet affairs. Am I the only one?

[melusina32]

DH and I both in our 30s. We have been together a long time, 3 young DC

DH has been having affairs for some time now. We have a don't ask don't tell policy. It is all very unspoken. As long as he doesn't bring it to my door, I don't care.

We love each other very much, and sex still happens, but we are very much "best friends" now. DH has always had a much higher sex drive. I am pretty sure it is just about sex with him

A friend of mine found out about it last weekend and she was horrified. She thinks it is abnormal not to care.

We enjoy each other's company, we have a good life, small children to think of. As long as DHs affairs do not disrupt that, it is out of sight out of mind

the first time I found out, I was shocked and confronted him, but it started up again, and I chose to ignore it. I didn't seem to feel that sexual jealousy, and day to day our lives are very good

i just wondered if there was anybody else in this situation, or am I an anomaly, as my friend seems to think?

Well, that horse has well and truly bolted. The OP has seemingly come to terms with it.

But I fail to see what the issue is with pointing out that it isn't acceptable behaviour and she doesn't have to put up with it if she doesn't like it and that she should think about her sexual health as well in this. You don't have to put up with something forever just because initially you did.

It's moot really because the op dropped a bomb then left. I don't see anything wrong with posters questioning whether she jumped or was pushed given how this started.

I'm not aware, though maybe have missed, people other than the friend getting squawky about monogamy. It's late here though and I'm tired.

I mean lots of people decided that anyone who didn't unquestioningly support everything were being squawky about monogamy but that's certainly not the case from my POV or joysmum's.

I agree with sgb that it is hard to bring up unconventional relationships issues (though increasingly less so) but think it doesn't help to promote a view that having an unconventional relationship means doing whatever you want no matter how your partner feels and not even needing to communicate your feelings to them. That's just betrayal and yes betrayal happens in relationships that are non-monogamous too.

But I fail to see what the issue is with pointing out that it isn't acceptable behaviour and she doesn't have to put up with it if she doesn't like it

It's not acceptable to you. But the OP is accepting it. I'm sure she's aware she doesn't have to accept it forever, should she change her mind.

She hasn't commented on whether she accepts or doesn't accept the way this was introduced. She's said she turns a blind eye to what her husband is doing. She hasn't even said she accepts it, just that as long as she doesn't know about it she is happy with their life.

What is your definition of 'acceptance'?

Good thread in that it expressed many different views, hope the poster and others in the same/similar situation, make the best choice for them.

Oh my dear God, what is wrong with you, do you have no self respect?

I don't read that the op is accepting it, but is resigned to it...very different

It does, sometimes, come up on threads where an OP has discovered that her H/P is not inclined to remain monogamous. I've suggested it myself as one possible option for an OP to take - given that there is never an 'option C, where the man decides to remain monogamous in future just because the OP asks. I wouldn't say I recommend it, just suggest OPs remember it exists.