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Original poster

Don't care about DH's discreet affairs. Am I the only one?

461 replies

melusina32 · 15/06/2015 22:38

DH and I both in our 30s. We have been together a long time, 3 young DC

DH has been having affairs for some time now. We have a don't ask don't tell policy. It is all very unspoken. As long as he doesn't bring it to my door, I don't care.

We love each other very much, and sex still happens, but we are very much "best friends" now. DH has always had a much higher sex drive. I am pretty sure it is just about sex with him

A friend of mine found out about it last weekend and she was horrified. She thinks it is abnormal not to care.

We enjoy each other's company, we have a good life, small children to think of. As long as DHs affairs do not disrupt that, it is out of sight out of mind

the first time I found out, I was shocked and confronted him, but it started up again, and I chose to ignore it. I didn't seem to feel that sexual jealousy, and day to day our lives are very good

i just wondered if there was anybody else in this situation, or am I an anomaly, as my friend seems to think?

OP posts:
ThinkIveBeenHacked · 15/06/2015 23:45

Call me old fashioned but I think marriage is about making a legal, emotional and moral declaration to that one person that they are your only "one person".

I am curious as to whether it genuinely doesnt bother you or if it just doesnt bother you "enough" to handle the disruption a divorce would bring.

It absoloutley is not a life I would want for myself, but then I also dont need my husband. I want him, dont get me wrong, but I wouldnt ever overlook a discretion because I needed him (financially or otherwise).

PurpleSwift · 15/06/2015 23:45

None of your friends business but perhaps she is just concerned for you. I'd also suggest you always use condoms when you do have sex as you have absolutely no idea who he is sleeping with, their sexual history or if they're using protection. What if he gave you an sti? What if he got someone pregnant? Falls in love? Is this all ok? He doesn't respect your feelings, is this ok?

Stubbleandbubble · 15/06/2015 23:45

Ha! I'm NW too and can only hear Made Up in a Scouse accent! And that's spoiling House of Cards now! Oh no! Scouse Frank! Boss!

[sorry OP, I'll put a sock in it now!]

camaleon · 16/06/2015 00:00

I would wonder about the 'discreet' part of it if my friends know about it.

Fairylea · 16/06/2015 00:06

I find it more odd that you almost seem to consider yourself old at mid 30s. Surely there has to be more passion and fun in life than being stuck in such a marriage?

I'm 35 this year and I'm in my second marriage, third long term relationship. For me being married is about being that one and only special person to the other person, to want to be passionate and intimate with that one person and no one else. For me if that feeling fades (apart from in cases of illness etc) then it's game over. Life is too short to put up with such nonsense.

But I guess if you're happy. ... truly, honestly happy with the set up its for no one else to judge.

I wouldn't be too sure he wouldn't fall in love with someone else and leave though. I think once you get to the stage of "checking out" of the marriage emotionally and intimately you are opening yourself up to meeting a new love, it's difficult to keep it just sex.

Latika123 · 16/06/2015 00:08

I have a friend in a marriage like this, looking in they have a seemingly perfect marriage. Two gorgeous kids, they spend a lot of family time together and also spend time together as a couple. He however has one night stands regularly - at least 1 every two months. Sometimes with women he's been with before, sometimes with girls he picks up in a club.

He is a really attractive guy and has no issues picking up girls, she has a low sex drive and doesn't want to have sex with him. He often strolls in at 6am and she doesn't question him - they never discuss where he has been or what he has been doing.

CycleChic · 16/06/2015 00:16

Have you ever thought about polyamory?

MegMurry · 16/06/2015 00:17

Well if it works for you...

I would be shocked too if a friend confessed to this arrangement. I'd feel sorry for her, tbh.

TheMotherOfAllDilemmas · 16/06/2015 00:23

The day that I realised I didn't care, was the day I realised my marriage was over. BUT, as other people have mentioned, if you both are ok with it then it is not anyone else's business.

Having said that, I would make it my business to insist in wearing condoms if I were in that position. And would try to remember that the fact he is just having "sex" at this time, doesn't mean that he cannot fall in love and leave in the future, if he comes across the wrong person.

Luckyfellow · 16/06/2015 00:30

It doesn't sound ideal. I think you should aim higher. You only get one life.

TheCraicDealer · 16/06/2015 00:34

I thought I'd have some idea of where you were coming from here- I've always said that if DP has an affair, ONS, flirtation, whatever, I don't want to hear about it. However, that's so long as I didn't suspect anything and he regretted it/wasn't in a hurry to do it again. Once you find out, that's it. Cat's out of the bag and the fucker won't get back in. I'd rather live in blissful ignorance. But you don't have that even. The trust is gone and it's different again if there's no remorse, no desire to change to make you happy. The fact he got caught repeatedly in the first place makes it worse- either he thinks you're an idiot or he's willing to take his chances that you'll shut up and put up. I'm sorry, but it's true.

As someone else said it's only a matter of time before he finds someone who ticks all the (young, nubile, flexible) boxes, just as his main reasons for staying are flying the nest. You think it's hard starting again at 35? Wait until you're 50, bitter and exhausted because you've wasted the best years of your life on someone who didn't see you as worth keeping his cock in his pants for.

53Dragon · 16/06/2015 00:42

Once upon a time when the 'little woman' didn't work and stayed at home to suckle the children and put her husband's dinner on the table at 6 this sort of thing was probably common.
Your 'd' h isn't having 'discreet' affairs because you're finding out about them. He's rubbing your nose in it and that makes me think that you have no self respect.

mrstweefromtweesville · 16/06/2015 01:10

Some people have open marriages. Wouldn't work for me but it works for some.
Are you protected against disease? That would be a major concern, I should think.
Are your ducks in a row ready for when he meets a woman he wants to be faithful to, and therefore he has to ditch you and the kids? Prepare for that as it might well happen.

NerrSnerr · 16/06/2015 02:23

It wouldn't work for me. I would also worry about stds. I your friends know will he be so indiscreet that your children find out? (My dad was obviously having an affair, we knew from about age 12)

Eekaman · 16/06/2015 02:39

Good old MN, always supportive eh?

:/

OP, good on you for having a position and the strength to cope with it. My wife and I were in an open relationship, then we closed it over a decade ago. I have vague suspicion that she might have strayed more recently, but I have no proof and I'm not looking for proof. We have a family, a lot of history and happy lives together - why pull that apart because of a fuck or two?

BitOutOfPractice · 16/06/2015 02:42

I think the oddest (and potentially most dangerous) part of this is that you have come to this arrangement entirely without discussion so you actually have no idea if he has the same impression of what's going on as you. I think it will end in tears. Probably yours.

BitOfFun · 16/06/2015 02:49

If you don't mind, why do you need to ask other people? They aren't living your life.

Offred · 16/06/2015 03:47

I agree with BOF. This is not an arrangement. It is something he has decided to do on his own with no discussion with you or consideration for your feelings. Further, your true boundary on it was dissatisfaction which he ignored and continued to do what he wanted. Now you are ignoring it and I suspect ignoring how you really feel (and originally felt) about it. It smacks of feeling worn down and powerless not being ok.

I also agree that it is not discreet and if you have found out it is highly likely your DC will and given you and your h have not discussed it and decided together about it this will add to the shit storm for them when they do find out.

NoArmaniNoPunani · 16/06/2015 04:07

My parents were in a marriage like this. It was horrendous for me as a child. I now have no contact with my dad and minimal with my mum.

038THETA · 16/06/2015 06:27

the OP seems to be AWOLHmm

FenellaFellorick · 16/06/2015 06:48

Well, if you're happy then fair enough. It wouldn't work for most people but you have the right to live how you want.

Can I ask though. If you had to choose - would you choose a faithful husband or an unfaithful one?

I wonder if you are happy about it, or if you accept it because you choose to keep the home and the comforts and familiarity and convenience of the marriage and all that it provides and you choose to pay the price that your husband has sex with other women.

That's not a price a lot of women would choose to pay, but it is your choice and you have the right to make it. Do take a moment though to think about how your and your husband's choices impact on your children. If it was just the two of you that's one thing. But you are modelling life and relationships to children. If you close your eyes and think of their future love lives - do you want them to use your model?

I know you think you have an unspoken don't ask don't tell policy. But do you have a meeting of the minds on that, or does he think that he is successfully deceiving you? I think that if you said to him that you know about the affairs and you don't care, just never shove them in my face - that would be an interesting conversation. I think that you really should let him know that he is fooling nobody. That you know and that you are in control of your choice to stay. At the moment, in his mind, he is making a fool of you isn't he? His intent is to deceive you? At the very least, you should let him know that you know and you don't care. I suspect he wouldn't like that. It would make things very different.

Also, they aren't that discreet if you know about them, are they? Or is it discreet as in nobody else finding out?

When he isn't at home, when he's with these other women - do you sit there happily? Thinking ah, when he's finished having sex with her, he'll come home and we can watch tv and settle down for the night.

Or do you feel somehow that sex has been sub contracted and you're ok with that?

I would advise though that you look after your sexual health. You are after all, having sex with everyone your husband is having sex with. Get tested, ensure you are protected.

And since you never know if he might actually fall in love with one of these women and choose to leave you, you really ought to begin now to protect yourself financially.

TheMasterNotMargarita · 16/06/2015 06:53

Exactly Eekamen.
Why pull it apart over a fuck or two when you could have a wank/buy a vibrator or shock horror..fuck your partner.
Is it really worth it for a bit of friction?

MilesHuntsWig · 16/06/2015 06:59

Does this unspoken arrangement work both ways?

FeijoaSundae · 16/06/2015 07:18

Gosh. Where is the OP...

ScrambledEggAndToast · 16/06/2015 07:22

You're kidding OP??!! Are you a troll because if not I think you are nuts. Why are you letting this man basically have his cake and eat it. I am currently single and often think I would like to have the family life (I have a son, just no husband). However, when I hear stories like yours I feel that I'm better off single. Get rid of that loser and find someone who deserves you. Good luck.