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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Don't care about DH's discreet affairs. Am I the only one?

461 replies

melusina32 · 15/06/2015 22:38

DH and I both in our 30s. We have been together a long time, 3 young DC

DH has been having affairs for some time now. We have a don't ask don't tell policy. It is all very unspoken. As long as he doesn't bring it to my door, I don't care.

We love each other very much, and sex still happens, but we are very much "best friends" now. DH has always had a much higher sex drive. I am pretty sure it is just about sex with him

A friend of mine found out about it last weekend and she was horrified. She thinks it is abnormal not to care.

We enjoy each other's company, we have a good life, small children to think of. As long as DHs affairs do not disrupt that, it is out of sight out of mind

the first time I found out, I was shocked and confronted him, but it started up again, and I chose to ignore it. I didn't seem to feel that sexual jealousy, and day to day our lives are very good

i just wondered if there was anybody else in this situation, or am I an anomaly, as my friend seems to think?

OP posts:
viridus · 22/06/2015 17:56

"someone with a higher sex drive can go and have a wank . . else" reminds me of the fact that there are a lot of married men who use other women do so because they use them for their own sexual gratification. There iis no onus on them to " give and take" as happens in a committed relationship. They view themselves as able to satisfy their needs first and foremost. They also think that they are more manly because they count how many shags they have, - the more the better (in their eyes).
The other women is often just one more piece of meat to be used and abused. Maybe they might fall in love, and meet someone like themselves.
Does this make him a better lover, I don't think so.
Whereas the poster may have in fact a far higher sex drive than her husband. She could try some other men to see, after all what's sauce for the goose and all that. . .

Offred · 22/06/2015 22:09

That's a completely silly argument. At the worst secret affairs can lead to health problems and even death for a woman. What's the worst thing that happens if you don't communicate your feelings? It's uncomfortable and you are both unhappy? Hardly comparable is it!

blueshoes · 22/06/2015 22:25

Offred, calm down.

Offred · 22/06/2015 22:28

Hmm ? Apologies if you weren't aware of the very real link between male promiscuity in heterosexual relationships, where the woman has only her husband as her partner and is still having sex with him, and death from cervical cancer.

viridus · 22/06/2015 22:42

He doesn't care about her physical health - STD, nor her emotional health - stress of lack of communication in the marriage.

blueshoes · 22/06/2015 23:03

Offred, as I said earlier, OP is using condoms. Yes, they are not 100% effective against STIs. That is a risk all women take with sexual partners they don't know particularly well anyway. OP is doing well on this front in using condoms, but of course that it is not good enough for you because you are determined to paint OP as being forced to take inordinate risks in her uninformed downtrodden way. She is taking some marginal risk but I be willing to bet she is not gong to die from cervical cancer.

I think you need to get a grip.

viridus · 22/06/2015 23:19

Its difficult to get a grip with a condom they feel all plasticy and slippery, lol!

Offred · 23/06/2015 00:01

I've said over and over it is rare to actually die from cervical cancer. You are aware I was bringing that up as a reason why cheating is worse that not communicating. Hmm

noddyholder · 23/06/2015 07:42

Ridiculous.

viridus · 23/06/2015 08:24

"The marriage contract" seems to be:-

"How dare you lie about not wanting to give me more sex"

"I have a right to have more sex outside marriage"

"Because you are not like me, it's ok that I can shag anyone when I want whenever I want"

"Because you won't talk about it I won't it's ok not to talk about it"

Hmm I thought marriage was about loving each other, but then no wonder one in three divorce now.

TheoriginalLEM · 23/06/2015 08:29

are you free to do the same?

CateCadiz · 23/06/2015 11:11

The OP - who's continued absence speaks volumes - asked only if anyone thought she was an anomaly, making it quite clear that she had the marriage she was happy with, so didn't really care what others thought. The way the thread has developed, it has become a master class in personal opinion on how others should live their lives, speculation and projection. Not surprising the OP has stayed away.

viridus · 23/06/2015 13:42

It is always important to see many different views and advice when you query anything, even something as serious as marriage.
Maybe people have expressed much personal opinion, but this can help to make one's next decision. It can get quite passionate at times I agree, because one in four relationships are abusive, and many people still don't realise this.
Because the poster has not written extensively about her relationship, the reader can assume that she could be in an unhappy or abusive situation.
As this is a public on line comment site people are free to give their views/opinion.

Offred · 23/06/2015 15:46

Plenty of people say they are happy with their marriages when they are putting up with unreasonable or abusive behaviour.

viridus · 23/06/2015 16:16

Regarding abusive behaviour/characteristics one of the most things Abusers insist on is lack of communication, and they try to limit the extent of discussion about relationships. Therefore there should be a general aim that everyones opinion/view will be welcome, especially now that we know about the full extent of abuse in society.

blueshoes · 23/06/2015 19:38

Offred: "I've said over and over it is rare to actually die from cervical cancer. You are aware I was bringing that up as a reason why cheating is worse that not communicating."

Oh, I see. You do realise you still continue to sound like you need to get a sense of perspective.

noddyholder · 23/06/2015 20:28

Offred how do you know the ins and outs of so many relationships? Do you see no room for live and let live. The OP wasn't bemoaning her situation just commenting that her friend was surprised and that surprised her She wants to stay as is and seems to have no desire for change

SolidGoldBrass · 23/06/2015 22:50

If it wasn't for the fact that there is so much continuing cultural pressure for people to worship and pursue longterm monogamy, the OP probably wouldn't have ended up in such a situation in the first place. People who reject monogamy honestly ie remain single and have casual relationships, or negotiate open ones from the beginning, still end up having to fend off either bigoted condemnation or tedious clammy-handed concern - this is one of the reasons why so many people agree to a monogamous relationship and then breach the agreement: they are trying to be 'good' and 'normal'.

And relationships change even when both participants are well-intentioned people who respect and care for their partners. People can discover a passion of some kind (not necessarily for anything to do with sex or romance) after marriage, which will take up time and resources - a partner may choose to leave or may decide that on balance there are more advantages to staying in the marriage than leaving. To some people, financial stability and another pair of hands for parenting are worth much more than monogamy. Marriage is, at bottom, an economic contract, after all.

And the problem the OP posted was that her friend's squawky outrage had distressed her, not her actual situation.

viridus · 24/06/2015 00:08

The new excuse for promiscuity - "cultural pressure", dear oh dear, the poor things, being forced into relationships they have no control over.

Offred · 24/06/2015 02:19

So blue shoes you don't think sexual health is something that should concern people? Hmm

And noddy - it's nothing to do with knowing other people's relationships, it is what is posted here by the op that concerns me and not non-monogamy I might add - secrets and lies and lack of respect for your partner.

Find it strange that anyone would think lack of respect and quite major dishonesty should not be questioned/highlighted because of 'live and let live'.

If people get squawky about non-monogamy in this I think they are missing the point really. Whatever two people of equal bargaining power decide together is great - monogamy or not. This is not that.

Offred · 24/06/2015 02:24

If it was the dh posting I'd have the same view btw. Non-monogamy fine, imposing non-monogamy on your partner by having secret affairs not fine.

GrumpleMe · 24/06/2015 04:51

She doesn't need to stick around. The OP can't control anyone but herself. All those telling her she hasn't thought things through well enough, or trying to tell her that she's being abused, are selling her way short.

She's not an idiot. She's living with this every day. Right now, the 'arrangement' is working for her. One day, it may not. Until then, let's not assume she's a downtrodden victim who is having the wool pulled over her eyes.

OP's Plan A (probably) was to have a monogamous marriage. When the other party scuppers that plan, she needs to think of Plan B. She can't force him to be monogamous if he does not want to be.

And Plan B, for her, DOES NOT happen to be divorcing, splitting up the household, and completely changing her and her children's lifestyle.

I think people trying to force their own values on to someone else's relationship is very, very odd. No wonder people are hesitant to admit to this kind of set up.

Offred · 24/06/2015 05:38
GrumpleMe · 24/06/2015 05:43

I'm sure if the OP posted at the point she first found out about her husband's infidelity, was upset and not knowing what she wanted to do next - the responses would not have been to ignore it.

But she's further down the line, done her own thinking, and come to her own conclusions - at least for now. I, for one, am not going to tell her that her thinking is wrong or misguided. Being that she is an adult, and has her own brain and all.

Offred · 24/06/2015 07:21

I've never said that either. I've simply said how this was introduced into the relationship was not acceptable.