Don't care about DH's discreet affairs. Am I the only one?

[melusina32]

DH and I both in our 30s. We have been together a long time, 3 young DC

DH has been having affairs for some time now. We have a don't ask don't tell policy. It is all very unspoken. As long as he doesn't bring it to my door, I don't care.

We love each other very much, and sex still happens, but we are very much "best friends" now. DH has always had a much higher sex drive. I am pretty sure it is just about sex with him

A friend of mine found out about it last weekend and she was horrified. She thinks it is abnormal not to care.

We enjoy each other's company, we have a good life, small children to think of. As long as DHs affairs do not disrupt that, it is out of sight out of mind

the first time I found out, I was shocked and confronted him, but it started up again, and I chose to ignore it. I didn't seem to feel that sexual jealousy, and day to day our lives are very good

i just wondered if there was anybody else in this situation, or am I an anomaly, as my friend seems to think?

How old were you when you first got together?.

I think the reason people equate marital fidelity with love is because that's exactly what you promise to each other on your wedding day, and tend to mean it, at least when you say it.

I know that sounds really pious/naive, but I do think it's a bit disingenuous to wonder how the two are linked.

I think you are setting yourself up to be left for a younger model when the kids don't need you anymore.

Can I ask though - are you happy teaching your children that this is what they can expect from a relationship?

But Sickof - your ex-partner's group of rather delightful sounding friends is not necessarily the correct benchmark to be extrapolating the rest of humanity's behaviour, either.

As almost everyone else has said if you are ok with the situation then there is no problem.
However, you should expect that if you do confide in someone in RL the majority will react as the majority of people have here.
You do not have an equal relationship, you are brushing the fact that he plays around under the carpet.
Would you advise your daughters to stay with a man who treated them this way? It is blatantly disrespectful and he is NOT discreet if you know about it. Whether you realise it or not your children will model their future relationships on yours and they pick up far more than you give them credit for.
And as many other people have asked, how do you think he would react if you were doing the same thing? An open relationship is one thing but if you cannot discuss it with him you are deluding yourself. From your last post you seem ok with that but to answer your original question I think that it is unusual.

Best of luck....

Ok so some men can shag whomever they want but still be deeply in love with their partners? Nah not buying it. They may love their partners after a fashion but they have no respect for them and are definitely not 'in love'.

So he is taking his girlfriend on trips do you honestly think it is just sex they will be spending tme together having drinks dinner etc etc if it was really about just sex he would go to a prostitute imo. If you are happy to live like you do then fair enough I couldn't

Men particularly seem to be able to do this. My exp had a group of friends who were all at it, escorts, flings on lads holidays, affairs. All were with their wives still and all had children.

The fact that there are nasty, sleazy men who are incapable of respecting, let alone loving, women, and who like to keep a pet wife at home while shagging around, is hardly proof that men can be genuinely in love with one woman and enjoy sneaking around wooing and sleeping with others.

its entirely up to you how you choose to live your life, and if something doesnt bother you, then thats the way it is

I don''t know anyone who has this relationship. The closest I have as an example is a couple who married for convenience - she for his money, him for a trophy wife to have children with. I guess she was ok for him to have affairs because they didn't love each other and I think they only really procreated. They didn't have the emotional bond you describe. And another has sprung to mind where the husband had a high sex drive and she didn't like the constant pestering, so she felt a mixture of relief when he had affairs but sadness that they weren't that well matched. They did love each other, but hated each other at times too.

It's unusual, but not unheard of then, I guess. If it works for you then so be it. But you can't really expect your friend to understand it as most people these days look for relationships based on equality and trust. I personally respect a man who can keep it in his pants. But then I wouldn't want to say he had to go without sex for long periods of time because I had a low sex drive either. I think the trick is to find someone who matches you sexually.

I suppose it really is just me then- ah well!

I am not saying our marriage will always work, but I wouldn't say that even if DH was faithful and we were having amazing sex daily. It suits us for now

I was wondering also what you learnt about relationships when growing up; did your own father cheat on your mother?.

What do you think your children are learning here about relationships. They are perceptive and will pick up on your (as well as their dad's) emotions far more than either of you perhaps care to realise. You both are acting really in your own self interest.

One day your DH will retire and then he will lose a lot of power and not just earning power. You will have then by that time been in an emotional void of a marriage for x number of years. Your children would have left home (and probably as soon as they are able) and it will be just you and he. What then for you both?. You may well become his carer.

"I suppose it really is just me then- ah well!"

And there's a reason for that; its because it really does not work as a model. You're both kidding yourselves hugely if you think this is at all working.

As long as both you and he are "happy" that is all that really matters isn't it.

it probably wouldnt bother me either if I had no children and it didnt affect our homelife or sex life.

It would bother me if i was sat at home babysitting, or lonely while he was out fucking someone else, but I dont have much sexual jealousy. I do get emotional jealousy though. I dont think your set up is particularly unusual. Lots of people have affairs, but I feel a bit sorry for you stuck in a marriage where you are not even seuxally attracted to someone, and instead of wondering why or working on it, youre just ignoring it instead. You could be sexually fulfilled too

Feioja It's not naive at all, there are many historical books on marriage which show that love was not at all important in marital decision making until very recently, and still isn't around the world:

www.amazon.co.uk/Marriage-History-How-Love-Conquered/dp/014303667X

People find it hard to live together for 50 years. Just under half just get divorced, and the rest find their own way through.

I tie fidelity in with marriage in my own relationship because I've been brought up to think that's what marriage is, and don't find it that hard to be faithful. I think my husband might have preferred a different option had it been on the table, but it wasn't with me, so he chose me and that option.

Mn is an incredibly conventional place in relation to marriage, everyone has to marry (gives you rights) and then the marriage has to be happy, not too much arguing/disagreement, everyone feels valued and their sex lives are brilliant for ever into old age. Back in the real world people do things differently and with compromises. I think it is incredibly rude of people to say the OP's husband doesn't love her and she's just a housekeeper, they may have like my in-laws an incredible emotional bond which is seeing them into old age, but doesn't dwell on his or her stupidity a few decades ago.

This won't necessarily have a happy ending, but that's the OP's risk to take and if she is financially cushioned, it'll end a bit better than many people I see on here who have gambled it all on the love/faithfulness combo and, having lost, can't leave because they are not financially independent.

Ok OP, you seem, at least superficially, to be happy with your set-up but have you had any help for your lack of sex drive? What if it returns one day but he can't give up his affairs. And as I said before, condoms don't protect against HPV.

It just seems so sad that you are settling for this when you're so young, with the risk of him jacking your relationship in when the kids have grown up, he's fallen for one of these women and you've wasted years on him.

I find the description of some of the hollow marriages on here so depressing.

You are in effect saying, "As long as he still comes home to me".

Well it is not what I personally would choose* but it is your life.

Your friend is entitled to her opinion.

I hope your DH practises safe sex. You say he knows what your "rules" are but the first time you confronted him he took not a blind bit of notice so I don't see why you trust him to stick to your rules now.

*Not that you chose it so much as, had it foisted on you.

I think that this is a really sad situation. Are you sure you are happy, OP? Or have you convinced yourself that you are happy because the alternative isn't something you want to think about?

This would be more normal in France. Or at least it purports to be - the 5-7 hour I think. As long as he still treats you with respect (though some would argue this isn't respectful) then it's up to you.

I don't think you have a marriage. I think he treats you as a convenience and if he meets someone he prefers, or once the dc are older, he will be off. I wonder why you put up with this half life - seems sad that you put so little value on yourself. Plus you are showing your children a blueprint for their own future relationships.

I also think you know it is not good - otherwise you wouldn't have started a thread about it.

A very misleading title.

You care he's having affairs, you just chose not to end your marriage over it and try not to think about it.

Big difference to your title.

melusina32 can you answer questions about what this arrangement is doing to your children please?

Or how you intend to negate the negative effects?

You sound like housemates who share the bills and kids you both seem to lead seperate lives him with his girl friend you with your hobby

Agree with everything Napolean said.

This is a culture that fetishises marriage and monogamy. What are the chances that one person will be the end all and be all and bells and whistles for another person throughout their entire lives from the time they made their wedding vows.

The OP's and her DH's sex drive have currently gone out of sync but there is still a strong emotional bond. She allows him to seek satisfaction elsewhere discreetly.

When her dh is older and less driven by his sex needs, they will still have their strong emotional bond to fall back on and can continue their journey together into old age. Sounds great to me.

Of course there are risks. But this is a pragmatic solution and does not force divorce or chastity on the marriage to preserve the conventional ideal of a monogamous marriage.

I would feel more sorry for women who insist their dhs love them and would never stray only to find out it happened behind their backs anyway.