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Original poster

Don't care about DH's discreet affairs. Am I the only one?

461 replies

melusina32 · 15/06/2015 22:38

DH and I both in our 30s. We have been together a long time, 3 young DC

DH has been having affairs for some time now. We have a don't ask don't tell policy. It is all very unspoken. As long as he doesn't bring it to my door, I don't care.

We love each other very much, and sex still happens, but we are very much "best friends" now. DH has always had a much higher sex drive. I am pretty sure it is just about sex with him

A friend of mine found out about it last weekend and she was horrified. She thinks it is abnormal not to care.

We enjoy each other's company, we have a good life, small children to think of. As long as DHs affairs do not disrupt that, it is out of sight out of mind

the first time I found out, I was shocked and confronted him, but it started up again, and I chose to ignore it. I didn't seem to feel that sexual jealousy, and day to day our lives are very good

i just wondered if there was anybody else in this situation, or am I an anomaly, as my friend seems to think?

OP posts:
Shitmyhairdressersays · 16/06/2015 07:22

It's not a 'very French thing' at all!

I'm French and I'd divorce my husband if he had an affair. How ridiculous.

Sleepybeanbump · 16/06/2015 07:31

I think your rather fooling yourself op that you have a 'policy'. It's not really that honest and fair and dignified is it? I've known couples who do genuinely have an open relationship and it worked for them. What you actually have is a bog standard situation of a cheating husband.

If I were you I'd be questioning your dh's mindset very seriously. As far as he's aware, you are unhappy about this and he's chosen to do it again and again. He doesn't know that you know, or of he thinks you do, he doesn't know your reasons for not talking about it. For all he knows, you could be wretchedly unhappy about it and terrified of losing him. That would be the aspect about this that would bother me the most. I don't think it shows your dh to be a nice person.

On that note, I wonder how he'd feel of you did the same thing? It's very one sided at the moment.

Sorry, that sounds rather harsh. And I'm glad if you do feel happy about it, but I would be worried. I also second the other comments re condoms, the risk of him falling in love etc.

AnyFucker · 16/06/2015 07:47

We just need Golferman and his multi orgasmic wife, Jacqueline, to rock up now

038THETA · 16/06/2015 07:51

OP is clearly just trying to get a rise out of MNersWink

FuckYouChrisAndThatHorse · 16/06/2015 07:56

I suppose what you're talking about it having an open marriage. An open marriage means both partners can have agreed liaisons with other people. It would usually involve a discussion about boundaries and what is and isn't acceptable. It's an honest relationship.

What you have is a dishonest relationship with a man who has been told how hurt you were, and continued anyway. He's not your best friend if he chooses to put his sexual wants before your happiness. What you have there is just your classic cheater and a wife who doesn't want to leave.

Why not make it honest? Sit him down. Say, "look, I'm not an idiot, I know you've been lying about X, Y and Z for years. I don't care about it. But if you're going to do it I want to know that it is safe, my sexual Health is safe, my marriage is safe, and that you are happy for me to indulge as and when I meet people I desire, so long as I retain discretion."

But I suspect you would be too worried he would leave. I suspect your apathy is masking your fear of losing him. Which if true is really sad.

I couldn't do what you're doing and I couldn't have an open relationship. But they work for some if they're honest and fair. What you have at the moment is neither of those things.

magoria · 16/06/2015 08:01

Open relationships are great.

This is not one.

This is one where one party is putting up with the selfish behaviour of the other.

Original poster
melusina32 · 16/06/2015 08:04

The first time, when I found out,I was shocked and angry. But the more I thought about it, the more I realised that I was annoyed because I had found out, not because he was having sex with someone else

I now have no idea who the other women are or when he sees them, I don't want to know. Like I said, as long as it doesn't come to my door. That includes stds and bunny boilers

apart from the first time, we haven't discussed it. There is no need

I suppose a lot of it is down to my sex drive. Sex for me is like strawberry ice cream. I enjoy it when I get it, but I wouldn't be devestated if I never had it again. And emotionally it doesn't mean that much to me. I value other things in a relationship much much more

Financially, yes I am independent, though ofc our children have a much better quality of life with their parents together

I have lots of time to myself. I have a close group of friends and we holiday minus husbands and children, I do quite a big hobby. I am happy. There is no resentment over money or personal time or childcare. We have always been a really good team

I suppose I am posting because I was taken aback by how disgusted my friend was. Obviously I know our set up is unusual, but I don't think it is that awful

OP posts:
StaircaseAtTheUniversity · 16/06/2015 08:09

I agree that if you want an open relationship then you need an open conversation. Until then he's just a faithless cheat who can't keep it in his trousers.

Aridane · 16/06/2015 08:10

Melusina - I suspect you 'arrangement' is not as unusual as people (would like to) think

If it works for you, it works for you - and I sense that the real issue May be your candour in this regard...

cowbag1 · 16/06/2015 08:11

But if you haven't discussed it, how does he know you draw the line at "stds and bunny boilers"? If he doesn't know these are your boundaries, how can you be sure he'll stick to them?

So in his mind, he's just screwing around behind your back, despite being caught once and dealing with the repercussions then?

He sounds like a nasty, selfish twat, not someone to hold on to. What a horrible example of a marriage to display to your children.

Original poster
melusina32 · 16/06/2015 08:12

I didn't think it was that unusual either...uncommon maybe, but not unheard of.

OP posts:
Only1scoop · 16/06/2015 08:14

But his 'affairs' are hardly 'discreet' If your friend found out.

Do you have affairs also?

Original poster
melusina32 · 16/06/2015 08:16

We have discussed it. We discussed it the first time. We just haven't discussed it since, because I don't feel the need. He knows what my "rules" are.

He could go months without-maybe he does- but I don't know because as I said he is discreet.

OP posts:
cowbag1 · 16/06/2015 08:17

And this isn't an open relationship, not even close. I'm sure these are more common than you would think and many people can understand why they work for some. Open relationships are normally characterised by lots of communication, openness and honesty. This is certainly nit the case here?

Are you sure it's not sex you don't want, but sex with him? (As I imagine infidelity can be a pretty big turn off.) If so, it's really sad that you're willing to settle for this shitty situation.

Only1scoop · 16/06/2015 08:18

Strange you put your health at risk by sleeping with him.

Will you still not care that much if he leaves you for one of them?

Original poster
melusina32 · 16/06/2015 08:18

I told my friend. We were talking about her DM who had gone back to her dad after an affair and I thought I was being helpful by telling her about my set up.

No,I don't have affairs, I barely want sex with my own husband.

OP posts:
cowbag1 · 16/06/2015 08:19

Ok, so you've set some ground rules. But what about the risk of him falling in love with one of these women?

Original poster
melusina32 · 16/06/2015 08:25

Of course I would care if he left me. But relationships break up all the time for all sorts of reasons.

I doubt he would though. He would be a fool if he did.

We are very close emotionally, just not sexually. It wouldn't be fair to expect my husband to be in a sexless marriage, but why break up an otherwise happy home and marriage?

OP posts:
Original poster
melusina32 · 16/06/2015 08:28

You can fall in love with someone without having sex with them. I suppose he could, but he is in love with me. I would imagine that the fact I am ok with his affairs takes away some of the thril of the illicit chase, I don't know.

OP posts:
Only1scoop · 16/06/2015 08:30

So you Always use protection?

antimatter · 16/06/2015 08:34

What would you do if one of his lovers gets pregnant and decides to keep that baby?

BathtimeFunkster · 16/06/2015 08:37

It'll be so great for your children to have one of those exciting "complicated" families" when one of these women gets pregnant.

There is literally no downside to having a sleazy philanderer as a father.

redshoeblueshoe · 16/06/2015 08:38

So your rules are no std's no bunny boilers.

Does he know how to tell at a glance - that's amazing.

What about getting someone pregnant ?

I think what is puzzling people is that you are calling this an open relationship, and this is not how other people would define it. From here it looks like you are clinging on to a lying cheat. Do you not object to family money going on these women ? He never discussed having an open relationship, he just got caught with his pants down, you forgave him, he carried on. I had a colleague who continually cheated on his wife, I asked him what would he do if she had an affair - he said he'd leave her. What would he do if he got someone else pregnant ? Would he want to bring baby round to meet your DC ?

FenellaFellorick · 16/06/2015 08:38

Look, at the end of the day, it's your life and if it is the life that makes you happy and you know for sure that it isn't damaging your children, then really whose business is it but yours?

You don't need third party validation if you're truly happy with your choices.

Yes, a lot of people will be surprised because it isn't a very common set up (well, unless you're aristocracy...) a lot of people (I admit, myself included) will probably find it difficult to fully believe that you are genuinely happy with it and that's because it's hard to not imagine yourself having that life. I know if it was me it would destroy me. Not because of the sex but because it would feel like an emotional betrayal. And if I knew it wasn't and he was simply using these women as a warm body to stick his dick into, I would think less of him as a human being for using women that way. So it would be lose/lose for me.

It's hard sometimes to be truly neutral and not put your own feelings onto someone else's situation but if I do that then I have to conclude that it's ok if all parties involved are happy and it doesn't matter what other people would or would not do in their own relationships.

cowbag1 · 16/06/2015 08:42

Of course you can fall in love with someone else any time but this is raising the risk significantly, surely?

Yes maybe you condoning it removes the "naughty" element that can be appealing but doesn't it also seem to him like you don't give a shit enough about him to care that he's cheating and going back on his marriage vows?

I'm sorry, I just cant get my head around this. What about the practicalities? Does he spend any money with these women? Do you know how long he'll be out for when he's gone? Is he contactable in case of emeregency with your DC? You know condoms don't protect against all STDs.

Also, Have you sought any help for your low sex drive? You're quite young to write off a satisfying sexual relationship without investigating all avenues first.