I feel trapped by my in laws...help?!

[Chuckitinthefuckitbucket]

I really don't know where to start, it's a very long and boring story so I'll try and be brief.
My dp (fiancé) is an only child, I mention this as I feel it's relevant to my pil's behaviour.
He's 27 and I'm 21, we have a daughter (their only granddaughter, alspo relevant). I fell pregnant unexpectadly and pil were very unhappy, I won't go into details but it resulted in my mil dragging me into a field whilst I balled my eyes out and she cried and begged me to abort my child whilst fil grilled DP at home. Previous to this dp's relationship was strained with his parents, apparently ever since he left home they had been a total mess, very controlling and manipulative, the first time I met them dps mother cried and screamed at him (for not seeing her in a month) accusing him of changing, not caring and being a failure (so odd) she cried and stormed up and down the stairs whilst dps dad shouted at him for upsetting his mother.
I should've run for the hills.
They have continued to try (I must admit due to my naivety and perhaps me being a bit immature and trying to please mil, they have succeeded) at manipulating dp and I to "do as we are told" and we have spent 3 years walking on egg shells around them.
I'm exhausted by it all and right now just want to run away.
I came across a load of emails from fil (to do) who basically accused me of depriving our child of being spoilt by her grandparents and of a normal life by asking them to stop buying her gifts every week, to keep gifts to trips out, quality time with them and obviously presents from birthday and Xmas and Easter if they wish (they can shower her in as much love and attention as they wish but I don't want to bring up a child spoiled by materialistic things) I always thought they liked me (they've always expressed that dp grates on them but never me) but they accused me of "despising the way they lived because they have money" etc (they think everyone who isn't as rich as them is jealous of them) mil constantly bangs on about it and told dp I need to "man up and put ss first".
Now, I'm furious, because all this was hidden from me, they really layed into Me and my family basically saying they want "access" to dd etc and that my own mother has no problems with "acsess" but she sees dd the same amount, if not less than them.
They constantly put dp down, he shrinks into a scares child around them and it's depressing to watch, all they do is tell him he's a failure, that he's fat, that ime fat and nag and nag about our parenting ect (I think we are pretty amazing parents, we make some mistakes with not sticking to our guns with dd when she throws paddys but not bad parents)
I'm ranting now, there's just so much to this I feel I can't write it all down. Mil has now started coming over uninvited so I can't even hide from them anymore and I'm just devastated ive got this for the rest of their lives.
What an earth do I do?

[rumbleinthrjungle]

Poor little dd! Hope you and she don't have too awful an evening as a result OP.

Not surprised dh doesn't want to go NC - he's quite successfully gone LC by handing his parents over to you to deal with, it's got them out of his hair without any nasty scenes and he's quite happy with how things are. If you stop doing that on his behalf he will have to handle them and he doesn't want to!

[MsAdorabelleDearheartVonLipwig]

Poor little dd, she must be exhausted.

Please tell us you've changed the locks or at least bolted the door.

[mojo17]

Hope you've managed to get your point across to dh

[Chuckitinthefuckitbucket]

Help me.
Dp has finally come to the end of his patience with his parents.
I'm sad, for him but relieved in a way.
I need hand holding.
He wants to cut contact.
How do we do this? How do I support him? And do they have rights to dd? They are monied and I'm petrified they'll seek legal advise.
Why do I feel guilty? Like I've ruined the relationship DP had with his parents? (Even though it was awful) he does love them "because they are his parents" but hates them as people. This is going to be horrendous

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

Support him fully in cutting contact, he needs you now more than ever.

I would suggest you read this link re cutting contact:-

www.lightshouse.org/how-to-go-no-contact.html#axzz3cxhTsRjw

Grandparents in this country have no automatic rights of access to see their grandchildren so you do not have to worry unduly about that issue.

You have NOTHING to feel guilty for so put those thoughts to bed right now. His parents have caused all this to arise by their actions towards you. It is not your fault or his that his parents are the ways they are, you did not cause that to happen.

Would suggest you read "Toxic Inlaws" written by Susan Forward to further understand the dynamics of his family of origin.

[Chuckitinthefuckitbucket]

I just read that link-
How do write a letter stating you no longer wish to see people like this who feel they have and can do no wrong?
Surely it's pointless. What an earth do you write?
They haven't done anything horrendous recently, so they're going to go mental.
God I'm shaking.
Just want to move away.

[Chuckitinthefuckitbucket]

What if they turn up to our wedding...oh god

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

You do not have to write anything to them, you both maintain radio silence and ignore any communications from them. They may well enlist the help of wider family members to bring you back into line; they will need to be ignored too. If they persist in contacting you in any forms then I would involve the police.

Is there an option to move house?. That process may be worth looking into now as well.

This is not going to be at all easy but you both need to be free of their toxic influences.

[Melonfool]

When is the wedding?
Make sure they know they are not invited.

I wrote to my father "if you can't treat me like an adult, don't speak tome at all" and that was that. He obviously couldn't because be never spoke to me again.

[Chuckitinthefuckitbucket]

Can't really move house, we've only just moved. dp could get relocated with work and we could rent this place out but it would mean moving away from friends and family and my entire support network

[Chuckitinthefuckitbucket]

Wedding is end of November.
That's a great easy response, I will suggest that to do next time they send abuse.
Although they probably would continue to harras him.

[Chuckitinthefuckitbucket]

Currently reading toxic in laws and dp is reason toxic parents but we both work and have dd so never have time to properly get through any book!

[Vivacia]

How does your DH propose you go about this? I suggest you support him in his wishes. (What has actually happened?).

Do you need to make a big gesture of going NC? Why not just slowly drift apart?

[Chuckitinthefuckitbucket]

He doesn't know how to do it, just knows it's for the best.
They made comments regarding our parenting, our relationship and his career (again) just the general bullying.
I don't think his parents will let us drift apart although I would rather no drama (obviously) just not sure the best way

[LazyLouLou]

Simply stop contacting them. Don't answer the phone or emails.

If they knock on the door, be busy. If they send in friends and relatives to persuade you that you are evil DO NOT EXPLAIN, simply say "You have no idea what is going on here. Please stop doing this" Oh, these are what are called 'flying monkeys' and you cannot reason with them. By the time they get to you they have usually be wholly brainwashed into believing in your utter guilt.

The good news is that they have no grandparents rights to your kids, or any other part of your life. You can simply stop acknowledging them. No court would grant them anything. If you get a solicitors letter do not respond. Or contact CAB to put together a stock response it you feel better that way.

As for your wedding, if you are still worried closer to the time, just tell the venue that they are not welcome and ask them to keep them out.

All the above means is that you put your own family first. The thoughts, feelings and emotional outbursts of anyone else are entirely irrelevant.

Good luck.

[MooseBeTimeForSummer]

Keep a diary of events. Try and remember recent incidents. If they do make a court application you'll need evidence of why they can't be relied on.

[Chuckitinthefuckitbucket]

Well, Ive blocked their emails and phone numbers.
So that's that bit sorted.
Court orders? Could we actually be taken to court over this?
I feel sick..

[LazyLouLou]

Well, they can try. But they won't get anywhere.

Think about it, what would they be suing you for?

"Dear judge, I want to sue the arse of my darling son for not talking to me"

Not likely is it? And, however they choose to word it that is what they would be doing. They have no right to access to your kids, your home or any other part of your life.

They may be mad enough to try... but they won't get anywhere. Stay calm and practise saying no, like you really mean it

[DisgraceToTheYChromosome]

Hi OP. This is the start of you and your DP's happy ending.

First thing he does is block their number on his phone. Then set their emails to bounce. After that, you would be doing him a big favour if you could filter his letters. Handwritten ones are easy enough, but official looking hatemail needs opening. The idea is give no clue at all. If they come to the house, ignore the door. If they start serious harassment such as threatening behaviour, repeated calls, attempts to gain entry etc. PM me and I'll walk you through a Section 2 injunction.

Flying monkeys: your first post gives the remedy. All he has to say is "they wanted our child aborted". That's it. The normal people will be , the scum can be filtered.

Oh, they'll try to accuse you of defamation. Let them. If they have £20k in front money to start an action, they can piss it up the wall. I'm guessing you have bugger all cash; telling their solicitors that they're not getting paid is a good way to fend them off.

Safety for DC: make sure that every babysitter, childminder and nursery has strict instructions that they are kept away.

Picture them as a wasp in a jam jar. Eventually the buzzing will die away.

Good luck and courage.

[BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted]

They can instruct all the expensive and impressive solicitors they like and can afford. Many solicitors will compose whatever letters their clients ask them to. At a hundred quid a pop, why wouldn't they? But they carry no more weight than a letter from me would do.

They could choose to apply to the court for access but they won't get it. Not if you don't want it.

Now that you and your OH are on the same page things should be easier to deal with because YOU ARE UNITED. Of the same mind. Together.

Watch out for the Flying Monkeys! As they will come as sure as eggs is eggs.

Please come back and let us know how you are getting on.

[Chuckitinthefuckitbucket]

I've got to contact the nursery- mil dropped dd off a few times so they need to know not to let her take ?dd, ever.
thank you disgrace for pointing that out, I wouldn't have thought
I feel sooooo sorry for DP, the poor man. I do hope he's doing it because he wants to and not because I can't stand his parents. I've told him 10000 times it's totally his choice but I'm keeping out of their reach from now on.
I feel guilty because I know that with out me about, with out a family to consider dp would continue a very shit relationship with them. Which I know wouldn't be for the best, I'm very confused about how I feel but I can't even begin to imagine how he must feel.

[Chuckitinthefuckitbucket]

disgrace thanks, I'll have to keep you in mind should I need help- they'd happily piss 20k away to try and get access to dd.
I've noticed that as dd has become more challanging they've asked less for her, they've always telling me she's so naughty etc etc commenting on everything she does- just like they do with dp. I knew they'd start flaking when she didn't fit into their perfect little bubble but I didn't think it'd be too soon.
dd also didn't want to see pil the other day, really really didn't. They turned up and she just kept saying "no nana, no grandad, no no bye bye" trying to shov them out the door- so I'm not sure she enjoys their company anymore either.

[LazyLouLou]

Keep that in mind when the guilt tripping starts.

And come back and swear, shout, rant and rave whenever you feel the need.

It took DH the best part of 15 years to NC his sibs. It took a patience I did not know existed. It can be done, it is a wonderfully lightening experience once it is done.

Good luck getting there.

[Melonfool]

My dp's family are generally really nice, but they've not really shown him the attention and consideration they should have done - and he's noticed it since he's been with me and now he has distanced himself a bit to the extent we've not seen them this year. I feel guilty. Quite rightly (and have booked us a holiday near them in the summer to make it up). You have nothing to feel guilty for!!!

[Chuckitinthefuckitbucket]

I think they'd have a genuine melt down if we didn't see them for s month so dread to think what'll happen now. It's going to be horrendous but I just can't deal with them anymore and dp is fed up of their Shit, he's dealt with it his whole life but just finds it too much now he can't be there 24/7 for them being the model son.
They hate the fact he has his own life and feel hurt when he makes decision with out them, they are very "needy" if that's the right word. The neediness would be manageable if it didn't come with guilt trips and manipulation.
I feel so sorry for him, I really do.