I feel trapped by my in laws...help?!

[Chuckitinthefuckitbucket]

I really don't know where to start, it's a very long and boring story so I'll try and be brief.
My dp (fiancé) is an only child, I mention this as I feel it's relevant to my pil's behaviour.
He's 27 and I'm 21, we have a daughter (their only granddaughter, alspo relevant). I fell pregnant unexpectadly and pil were very unhappy, I won't go into details but it resulted in my mil dragging me into a field whilst I balled my eyes out and she cried and begged me to abort my child whilst fil grilled DP at home. Previous to this dp's relationship was strained with his parents, apparently ever since he left home they had been a total mess, very controlling and manipulative, the first time I met them dps mother cried and screamed at him (for not seeing her in a month) accusing him of changing, not caring and being a failure (so odd) she cried and stormed up and down the stairs whilst dps dad shouted at him for upsetting his mother.
I should've run for the hills.
They have continued to try (I must admit due to my naivety and perhaps me being a bit immature and trying to please mil, they have succeeded) at manipulating dp and I to "do as we are told" and we have spent 3 years walking on egg shells around them.
I'm exhausted by it all and right now just want to run away.
I came across a load of emails from fil (to do) who basically accused me of depriving our child of being spoilt by her grandparents and of a normal life by asking them to stop buying her gifts every week, to keep gifts to trips out, quality time with them and obviously presents from birthday and Xmas and Easter if they wish (they can shower her in as much love and attention as they wish but I don't want to bring up a child spoiled by materialistic things) I always thought they liked me (they've always expressed that dp grates on them but never me) but they accused me of "despising the way they lived because they have money" etc (they think everyone who isn't as rich as them is jealous of them) mil constantly bangs on about it and told dp I need to "man up and put ss first".
Now, I'm furious, because all this was hidden from me, they really layed into Me and my family basically saying they want "access" to dd etc and that my own mother has no problems with "acsess" but she sees dd the same amount, if not less than them.
They constantly put dp down, he shrinks into a scares child around them and it's depressing to watch, all they do is tell him he's a failure, that he's fat, that ime fat and nag and nag about our parenting ect (I think we are pretty amazing parents, we make some mistakes with not sticking to our guns with dd when she throws paddys but not bad parents)
I'm ranting now, there's just so much to this I feel I can't write it all down. Mil has now started coming over uninvited so I can't even hide from them anymore and I'm just devastated ive got this for the rest of their lives.
What an earth do I do?

[Jux]

Whatever you decide to do, longer term, you do need to send an email saying her plans for Thursday simply don't work for you.

Your plan for Thursday doesn't work for me.

That's it. You don't owe her an explanation, she's not your teacher asking why you haven't done your homework.

If (when) she phones, don't answer. Turn the volume right down, put the phone down and boil the kettle for a cuppa. Play woth dd, read a book, do other stuff.

Glad to hear she can't get in when you're out. Make sure dh doesn't give her a key either.

[Melonfool]

Pushy?? They are bonkers.

Redo the garden with a lovely patio. Bury them under it.

(I am NC with my parents, ten years now, such a relief!)

[PeppermintCrayon]

I also said what I said because I'm doing some work in my supervision of seeing the whole person, acknowledging the good as well as the bad

You probably shouldn't be advising people with toxic families on how to cope with them, then.

OP, I think your DP needs to accept that while he can't control how he's been conditioned, he does need to take responsibility for things now. Some good advice from PPs.

[mummytime]

You do need to stop giving excuses - just say "No".
Tell your DP this is what you are going to do. He needs to get some help to learn to stand up to them, but for you "No" is enough.

[IggyStrop]

Bloody hell, what pushy ILs. A lot of people on this thread have already told you this, but assertiveness is key. MIL might have a fit the first few times you put your foot down but she will soon learn the lay of the land - ie, that you're in charge. It's a lot like having a toddler. They need firm boundaries.

I had a similar - but waaay watered down - situation with my ILs when my first baby was born. We put our collective foot down, never had another problem. But your ILs are a different kettle of fish, they see you as little children who need "telling".

[darkness]

I think...., given the very pushy nature of these people that it might be better to avoid conversation. If they email or text I would use that as a medium to communicate . It would stop them being able to overide you or using "But"....
also you would be able to fail to respond to things which they wanted to do which were contrary to your needs.
So if you texted. "Thanks for all your offers for Thursday - but somethings come up so I'll have to cancel."
and then leave them dead - all phonecalls screened by going straight to the answer machine.
thus bringing it all back onto your terms.
also never ever give wiggle room - never say "another time" ot "later" so they get a choice.
and as others have said
Put your coat on before answering door.....

[BerylStreep]

Well OP, it's Thursday. I hope you are out enjoying yourself and your PILs aren't interfering in your garden.

What are you going to do if they have been anyway despite you asking them not to? Might be an idea to prepare a response or two, such as 'I asked you not to do that, please don't ignore my wishes again.'

Hopefully you won't need it but I somehow doubt it

[Chuckitinthefuckitbucket]

Mil isn't doing the garden, but she has taken dd swimming today. She had a good moan about do not replying to her and her husbands emails and texts to me, makes me feel so uncomfortable. "Why won't OUR son help us choose a hotel for our trip to new york" blah blah blah. Maybe because he's only been once, doesn't ccsre about your holiday and thinks your old enough to book your own hotel, don't email at 11 at night asking for help choosing bloody hotels.
He doesn't reply because he doesn't care about that.
Im in such a sticky situation with them because dp doesn't want too NC (he's not ready) and because of dd I kind of have to keep contact. She does love them but I don't know if they're good for her long term :/

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

"Im in such a sticky situation with them because dp doesn't want too NC (he's not ready) and because of dd I kind of have to keep contact. She does love them but I don't know if they're good for her long term :/"

Your DD is not old enough or emotionally mature enough to decide who is and who is not good for her to be around. You are though and your reasoning i.e. because of DD I kind of have to keep contact is just plain and simply wrong. No you do not have to subject your child to them at all. There is NO good reason here for doing so and it is something that you could bitterly go onto ever regret doing; allowing them any sort of relationship with your most precious of resources, your child.

Do you think it will do your child any favours at all to see her parents so disrespected over the forthcoming years; no it will not. Toxic parents like his more often than not simply become toxic grandparents; they are

Your DP may not be ready to go NC but that does not follow that either you or your DD should have any sort of relationship with these people. Neither you or your DD should have any form of contact with these people. His mother has gone swimming with your DD today; that was an error of judgment on your part frankly given her behaviours towards you.

The children’s parents may allow the grandparents to begin a relationship with their children, hoping that things will be different this time, that their parents have really changed, and that their children will be emotionally and physically safer than they themselves were.

Unfortunately, this is rarely the case, because most abusive people have mental disorders of one kind or another, and many of these disorders are lifelong and not highly treatable. (Others are lifelong and treatable; however, many people never seek the necessary help.)

The well-intentioned parent ends up feeling mortified for having done more harm than good by hoping things would somehow be different — instead of having a child who simply never knew their grandparents and who was never mistreated, they have an abused child who is now also being torn apart by the grief involved in having to sever a lifelong relationship with the unhealthy people they are very attached to. Do not be that well intentioned parent.

Your sentence here is correct; they will certainly not be good for her long term. They will behave similarly to your DD as they have done to your man especially when she is older and has a mind and opinions of their own. Look properly at how damaged their influence has been on him; it colours his very being.

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

Some grandparents really shouldn’t be allowed access to their grandchildren.

His parents are a case in point.

[Chuckitinthefuckitbucket]

Oh god I just don't know what to do.
Sometimes I feel I'm being over the top.
Sometimes I feel it's too late to suddenly turn around and say "you can't see dd anymore, you will damage her like you have your own child" (because ive already allowed them to be part of their lives, it wouldn't make sense)
I feel trapped I don't want dp to "blame me"
I don't want dd to blame me when she's older.
What if she chooses to see them when she's a grown up and they convince her I was irrational and snatched her away unnecessarily.
How do I actually go about this? Ignore ignore ignore all of a sudden and just leave dp to deal with the fall out? Literally say nothing?
Uninvite them to the wedding?
Dp would be devestated.
Basically I can't see a way of doing this without sabotaging my relationship with dp who seems to think he can "manage them"

[JessiePinkman]

I agree with pp saying best thing is nc but unless your dp comes to that conclusion himself there's nothing you can do. You can't change mile or talk her round.
I 'manage' my narc dm by being v careful about what I tell her (eg nothing about where we're going what we're doing) just keep it all v light.
It is starts to effect my 10yo ds though she is starting to treat him like she did me: over bearing love one minute , hysterical crap the next but I'm explaining everything to him & hoping he can still have a relationship with her by being mindful of 'nana's nutty ways'!

[averythinline]

start slowly I think could be a strategy ...I don't understand why she's taken dd swimming...because your dp doesn't respond to her emails?
dd should not be a sop for her tantrums...

sounds like dp is managing if he ignores the emails/texts - why are you bothered about it?

if she moans to you that he doesn't respond say I don't know/no idea ... and repeat...

you sound like you need to build some space for your self - I realised I could not take responsibility for dh and mil relationship- and life is a lot easier for everyone now I dont get involved...

if she phones I say hi and pass it to him if he's not here I say he's not here I'll tell him you called... bye....I don't get into conversations with her.....

don't worry at the moment what dd will think in years to come - deal with the here and now...what makes you feel better - happy mummy is the most important thing

[Vivacia]

How has she taken your DD swimming when you had plans and couldn't see her today?

[Melonfool]

Yes, I think drip feed 'rules' with dp - once he agrees to one, leave it a while, then drip in another. If he doesn't agree with one, leave it longer, they'll do something annoying and you can go back to that rule.

So:

emails don't get responded to for two days
you don't answer the phone if you're doing anything else
they don't get to spend time alone with dd
they don't have a key and may not come to your house when you are not there
you don't let them in if they drop round unannounced
you will not see them more than twice a week (you can gradually reduce this)

Gradually build up the rules you both agree on so you each get some space from this.

I can see how hard it would be for you to go to nc, but maybe you can just gradually withdraw?

I fear the wedding planning will be impossible for you.

We stayed at Row NYC, it was lovely, right by Times Square :) Don't tell them though, they'll think you care!

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

You are not being OTT to protect your child from his parents who have behaved and continue to behave abysmally to you and their son as well.
Are these the sort of people you really want around your child?

You would not have tolerated ANY of this at all from a friend, these people are no different.

Your task here (and his) amongst many is to protect your child from such malign influences; she will not blame you for doing that. You cannot afford to risk your child being emotionally damaged by them because of some wish of yours to maintain a form of contact. Your man may want to continue some form of relationship with them (though goodness knows why in any event) but you and your child do not have to go down this road.

Re this comment:-
"I don't want dd to blame me when she's older".

She won't if you protect her from them. The only person you will blame is your own self for not acting decisively re them years earlier. Someone has to stand up here and be counted and its not going to be your man (perhaps ever) because he is too cowed and conditioned to do so.

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

Did she demand to take your DD swimming?.

[namechange0dq8]

Hotel Metro on West 33rd street is really nice, you can walk to Penn, Grand Central, the Empire State and Macys, handy for subway lines, really nice people, roof bar terrace has great views.

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

Why would he be devastated if they were to be uninvited to your wedding. Infact why were his awful parents ever invited to your wedding at all given their intrusive and overbearing behaviours?. They will take over and ruin your special day; you'll be lucky to even be in any of the photos with your man.

Put some small but significant boundaries in place for you; you do not have to listen to his mother spout on and moan at you for her son not replying to her missives. You do not have to hand your child over to her either.

You have spent three years walking on eggshells around them due in part to your own naivity and its time now for you to make a definite stand for your life. They will continue to run and ruin your lives.

Your man cannot manage them at all and is not strong enough to stand up for himself. He has no boundaries re them at all, they have really damaged him. He certainly needs to see a therapist.

[Chuckitinthefuckitbucket]

I had plans for today, yes. Because I knew the weather was going to be beautiful, me and dd went out but mil asked when I told her I was out of she could take her swimming, I agreed as it would only be an hour...it's turned into 5, still waiting for her to be dropped home.
Lesson learned.
I'm going to slowly withdraw, I like the idea of not replying for a few days, being busy etc and can just slowly ween her out.
I always feel backed into a corner, she takes all my excuses away "sorry I have plans Thursday, I will be out with dd"
"Oh well, I can meet you out, let me take dd swimming just an hour whilst you do your shopping"
All that's left there is "no, I don't want you to, I've got plans" but I just don't have the courage to say it- it's so direct but that's what mil needs to listen, just straight up "no" which I'm shit at saying!

[rumbleinthrjungle]

Your dd won't believe unfamiliar people over her mother as an adult. You sound a very sane person with a good relationship with your dd, of course she'll trust you before strangers! And by then you'll have been able to talk to her about why you made those decisions and what really happened. My df went nc with gps (what a sentence) for ten years when they got really unbearable and a) they weren't much missed since they weren't nice to kids really - not below the surface and b) hell hath no fury like a kid seeing their parent being upset and attacked. None of us ever forgave her for that even after contact was re established, I was surprised at how angry I still was about it having seen df made to cry at least once I remember.

Your dd may though come to blame you for not protecting her from abuse from gps. Even well intentioned abuse still feels like abuse and does damage as your df can bear witness to, and you sdepend on your parents to save you from people hurting you. As a PP said, once your dd starts developing a mind of her own they will start work on her too, just the way they did with their own child.

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

Never release your child into her care ever again because she cannot be at all trusted.

Lesson indeed learnt as you say. Learn from it. Are you going to tell your man that his mother kept his child today for several more hours than you expected?.

You and your man both need to find your spine here because by being walked over as you are you are allowing them to further hurt you. Its no relationship lesson to teach your child. He is hurting his family unit i.e. you guys by being spineless and weak willed.

His mother and father know that you and her son cannot stand up for yourselves and sees you both as being incapable (hence her also buying clothes for him); this is also why they do this. Such behaviour of theirs is abusive. They want power and control; they want absolute over you, him and your child. They do not care about any of you at all.

[darkness]

Short term pain for long term gain here I'm afraid.
They will be difficult - briefly - when you assert yourself, but once you get over that hump you will have much less stress.
You have your boundries ( which they are currently dancing about all over ) so you are understandably uneasy.
For instance when MIl gets back with DD - you could stop the whole thing right there
" This afternoon hasnt worked for me - we agreed and hour, this has been very disruptive - I am dissapointed in your presumptions"....and stop...no further conversation - no listening to excuses - no filling in long pauses..offer the palm of your hand to any conversation - take dd inside - shut door.

[Chuckitinthefuckitbucket]

Yes, I will tell him. She knows I don't have plans this afternoon so will play the "I was giving chuckit a break" card or the "she fell asleep" card.

[mojo17]

She kept her for five
Have you phone or texted her her to ask where she is
Why don't you ask if there is a problem, tell her you are worried that she said she was only going to be an hour and it's now five
Get you dh to phone to see what the problem is as she's four hours late and you both are worried.turn it back on her.
You think you are in a difficult situation but really you need to think you have the power
You can grant access to her grandchild so you can do this
Change your mind set slightly every time you engage.
Withdraw and be unavailable with vague p,and first of all
Be in s hurry when you have to speak on the phone
Get you dh to step up to being the point of contact more wi